Wizard's Guide to Wellington

by A. J. Ponder

  “Um,” the wizard said. “What happened to our finest hour?”

  Snickers were quickly stifled as Bignose regarded them all balefully. “Think, fellow wizards, Wellingtowne will become a hub of enormous magical power. Just imagine what we will be able to do.”

  “Yes,” the long-haired wizard said, “but is it wise to – “

  “Shut that fool up,” Bignose said.

  “But it’s just-”

  As if of its own accord Bignose’s wand flicked out and the wizard gasped and fell to the ground, her mouth foaming in a rainbow of bubbles while her body dissolved until all that was left was a robe drenched in foam.

  The night was blood-chillingly silent. Bignose regarded the wizards around him with a cold smile. “This is my council. Mine. Is there anyone else who believes otherwise?”

  The silence curdled in Alec’s ears as Bignose’s grin widened. “Right. Now back to business.”

  Alec sat there and couldn’t stop watching the empty robe. He wanted to. Every time he thought of the wizard who’d occupied it his stomach lurched. Only he couldn’t move, not even to throw up the burnt toffee taste clogging his mouth. His stomach heaved again, and again.

  He felt like was going to choke. He tried to think of something else but it didn’t seem to help much. Face turning red, he hiccupped, choked, and emptied the contents of his guts onto the grass. The burnt toffee taste was gone and at last he could move. He tried to grab Perrin, but she fell over onto her side, stiff as a board, with only her eyes moving.

  “Deal with that for now would you, O’Kreafly?” Bignose said, turning in their direction. “We’re going to be a little longer yet.”

  “O’Kreafly?” Alec whispered as the man approached. Fortunately the rest of the Coterie seemed to be busy watching Bignose to pay any attention. “Are you the guy who wrote that book on taniwhas?”

  “Why?”

  “It was just...really interesting.”

  “Oi,” Bignose yelled. “Shut him up, would you?”

  “I was just asking him...”

  “I will ask him questions later,” Bignose snapped.

  O’Kreafly waved his fingers at Alec and Bignose looked away.

  Alec cautiously tried to move his jaw, afraid the finger-waving had been a spell to stop him talking. No problem. “I need to know everything about the Wellington taniwha,” he whispered. “You know, you could help us save – “

  “What did I say?” Bignose yelled. “Shut that boy up. Try a NoMU charm on him.”

  “I’m trying,” O’Kreafly called back, desperately waving his hands and waggling his fingers. “Any magic I use just slides off.”

  “Try harder. Remember what happened last time you disobeyed me?”

  O’Kreafly waggled his fingers harder.

  “What did Bignose do to that wizard?” Alec asked as softly as he could.

  O’Kreafly shuddered, but didn’t reply.

  Alec grimaced. “You know they’ve got my father. What if they decide to...” Alec looked meaningfully over at the empty robe. “You know, do that to him?”

  “They’ve got a lot of people, boy,” O’Kreafly muttered with a quiet intensity. “Now please shut up or they won’t have got you any more – what they’ll have is a little piece of smouldering charcoal wearing your clothes.”

  This time Alec’s whisper was little more than a breath. “So what do they want? Why all those people?”

  Turning away as if he hadn’t heard, O’Kreafly stared into the distance a long time before he replied. “They need every scrap of magic they can get. It’s kind of complicated, but it’s like this: you need a spark to start an engine and you need a pretty big spark of magic to wake a taniwha. At least that was my theory. I – “

  “What?” Bignose yelled, striding towards them. “Can’t I even leave you to do a simple spell?”

  Face paling like frost, O’Kreafly did a magnificent job of nodding and shaking his head at the same time.

  Bignose sniffed. “Boy, you reek of old power. What secrets are you hiding?”

  Ike? Alec thought, but no. Ike was gone, taken.

  Alec looked at Perrin. Perrin turned bright purple but did not move. Not much help, still at least she was alive.

  “Boy? Have you got anything to say?”

  Alec did. “Where’s Ike?”

  “That’s no kind of answer – it’s a question. What is your business with Mr Kettleson?”

  “He’s my...” Alec started, only to have second thoughts. The truth wasn’t going to help. He needed to keep these people ignorant of who he really was. Their enemy. “What’s in it for me?” he asked, surprised how effortless it was to sound bitter and calculating.

  The man’s eyebrow arched. “You a hireling, then? You know, I can be most generous.”

  Alec swallowed to give himself a little more time. His mouth was so very dry.

  “Or most annoyed,” Bignose said a long moment later. “So, boy, do not test my patience.”

  Alec looked at him steadily, and said the first thing that came into his head. “We came to stop you from waking the taniwha.”

  “You and who else?”

  A tricky question that. Alec wasn’t exactly prepared to tell him it was only him and Perrin. Neither did he have any names to draw on. “We...er...were working with...” He paused and looked to Perrin for inspiration, but Perrin only rolled her eyes.

  What could he say that this man would believe? What made sense in this world he hardly knew? A secret employer. That might work. Alec opened his mouth – and the ground beneath him rocked mightily. It felt like it might swallow him up and spit him out.

  At first he thought he’d been hit by a spell, or nerves, or both – but it wasn’t just him. Everyone was ducking for cover. Alec followed suit, throwing himself down beside Perrin.

  Only Bignose remained on his feet. Even when a tree creaked and snapped, and the building behind him swayed alarmingly, he stood rooted to the spot, hands raised to the sky as if in jubilation.

  Terrified voices echoed around the clearing.

  “What’s happening?”

  “Is this going to cause a delay?”

  “Help!”

  In all the chaos nobody was watching Alec or Perrin. Not even Bignose, who was staring out towards the harbour and smiling with a look of joy so profound it scared Alec half to death. Still, this was their chance to escape. He shook Perrin.

  She groaned.

  Had anybody noticed? Alec looked around in a panic. No. If they could just get behind the trees they had a chance of getting away unseen. He dragged Perrin upright.

  “’elp!” someone spluttered close to them. Alec looked around but couldn’t see anyone near.

  “Ike,” Perrin croaked.

  Alec could see only chaos. “Where?”

  “Look,” Perrin said. Her finger seemed to be twitching to the right before she vomited, heaving black sticky stuff up onto the grass.

  Alec blinked. The dirt was moving. No. The cover was so different he hardly recognised it. A neutral gold-brown, but it was Ike all right, inching towards them like a caterpillar by using his cover as ungainly legs.

  After pulling Perrin’s arm over his shoulder, he lugged her over to Ike and picked up the book.

  “I’m okay,” Perrin said letting him go, and they began to run – only to collide with O’Kreafly.

  The Taniwha author looked at them with wide grey eyes as an angry call rose up over the night’s chaos. “Where are they? And where’s that book?”

  O’Kreafly looked behind him.

  “I’ll kill them,” Bignose ranted. “I’ll find them and kill them, and then I’ll tear that book of theirs into little pieces over a fire...”

  Looking longingly out into the distance, O’Kreafly seemed to make a decision. “Run, ‘zids! Go on, run as far and as fast as you can, and don’t look back.

  “We won’t run. They have my father.”

  “Then you must take the dragon-sword it’s the
only thing that will sever the link they are creating between Te Keo and the taniwha. But first you must find the phone booth that has no phone. It’s...just remember and go. Go!”

  Alec hesitated just long enough to hear O’Kreafly mutter, “Walk between worlds, child of both and son of neither. Go free your father.”

  They pushed on through a large bush, as fast and as quiet as they could.

  “See anything?” a voice called.

  They both stopped, hardly daring to breathe.

  “No one,” O’Kreafly replied, his footsteps receding. “You?”

  “Nope,” the man said much to Alec’s relief. “Come on, then – Bignose won’t want you wanderin’ around alone.”

  There was more mumbling, and then they were gone.

  As Perrin and Alec crept off Perrin sucked in air through her teeth. “Child of both and son of neither. That O’Kreafly ain’t half asking a lot of you. Still magic does slide off you and anything you touch unless you don’t want it to.

  “Right,” Ike piped up, “this has gone on long enough. It’s time to talk to the GORMS.” (Short for GORMLESS, Guards of Renegade Magical Lawbreakers, Evildoers, Sociopaths and Such.)

  Perrin sighed. “GORMS are even worse than librarians. My Auntie Muriel told me she once went to the guard to find a stolen necklace, and not only was it never found, but they took the matching crocodile-tear earrings.”

  Ike snapped, “Your Auntie Muriel is a great big liar.”

  “Is not!”

  “Crocodile tears? She might as well have worn a t-shirt that said ‘liar.’”

  “I saw them when I was younger. They were beautiful. Why would you – ”

  “Um.” Alec pointed behind him. “Aren’t we supposed to be running away from the bad guys?” They weren’t safe yet, not nearly, but fortunately the magical world wobbled and stretched. Alec took Perrin’s hand and ran.

  “Where do we go?” she asked.

  “The cable car.” Alec forced himself back into the world he knew best. “Look.”

  A red tram was stopped at the platform. They leapt on board. The bell stopped ringing, and the tram lurched off down the hill.

  “Seems a strange way to get anywhere,” Perrin said peering at the gardens out the tiny window as they rattled down the hill. At Lambton Quay they skipped back into the magical world. It was still rocking. The feeling of being swept away intensified. They ran through the city streets in amongst hundreds of strange people all rushing for Courtney Place.

  “This is a pretty big Event,” Ike said.

  “And?” Perrin asked.

  “Wellington is a magically unstable zone – ”

  “Yes, yes,” Perrin said. “I meant what happens here when there’s an Event?”

  “You name it,” Ike said. “Giant apes, trolls, and flying creatures out of your worst nightmares. What kinds of things do you want? Look!”

  A strange dragon swooped overhead and landed on the movie theatre. A horse reared, pulling its handler towards the roaring crowd, hooves flailing desperately close to the people all around. Someone screamed, but no one really seemed frightened. Couldn’t they see the nightmare perched on the building above them?

  It screeched and took flight, swooping low and parting the expectant crowd right down the middle.

  “Why is nobody frightened? And why do some of those people look like NoMUs?”

  “Usually magical events aren’t really dangerous. And the NoMUs aren’t seeing what we’re seeing – they’re just getting a little magical bleed-through. Don’t worry, it’s all pretty harmless.”

  Instinctively Alec ran, ducking through the crowds. The creature followed, extending wicked claws as it dived. Alec ducked, too slow. Claws raked his back. He screamed with pain as they bit deep. The creature also screeched as it pulled up, soaring past.

  “You’re overreacting,” Ike said. “I know it looks scary but it’s unreal, so it should be pretty harmless.

  “Ow!” Alec complained. “That didn’t exactly feel harmless.” He could feel the blood dripping down his shirt and his back felt like it had been torn into strips.

  “No,” Perrin said pulling up beside them. “I think that thing’s real We should get outta here.”

  They both started running again as the beast wheeled around and charged after them down the crowded streets.

  Ike spluttered, “But this...this shouldn’t be happening. Something is wrong.”

  “Yes, I’ve got that far,” Perrin muttered, breathing hard.

  An arrow sizzled overhead. They ducked as it crunched into the mortar of a nearby building, narrowly missing the reptile. It swerved, shrieking, and came back at them, hot breath erupting from its jaws and scorching the clothes on their backs.

  “This way,” Alec yelled, pulling Perrin towards the waterfront. “The museum.”

  He rounded the corner past the supermarket and there it was, a little brighter than usual and rocking like a boat in the harbour. Very odd.

  Perrin shook her head. “Don’t tell me you’re going to get that dragon-hide sword? Yeah, that’ll be easy. Let’s break into a highly protected case and grab one of the most valuable artefacts in the museum. Good plan.”

  “I think you’re wasting your breath,” Ike pointed out.

  Alec ignored them; he was too busy running. There was a nightmare dragon not far behind, and were those sails being deployed from the top deck of the museum?

  A bearded mariner in a blue Royal Navy Lieutenant’s uniform was yelling at his crew, “Ye splice the mainsail like this, ye useless lubbers. Don’t put that there. “Whad’re ya doing?”

  Puffing, they reached the courtyard.

  The creature shrieked and jaws open wide, plummeted towards Alec breathing flames. Alec stumbled backward and fell.

  “No,” Ike yelled as Perrin ran to help Alec; there wasn’t anything she could do anyway. Alec thought he was going to die – and then the bearded man in the Royal Navy Lieutenant’s uniform threw an anchor at the creature.

  The sickening collision only dazed it for a moment. It landed, shook its battered head and, screeching, flapped back into the air, circling and making to dive once again. Alec and Perrin didn’t wait – they jumped aboard the museum ship, the doors sliding shut behind them.

  A crocodile waddled down the corridor. Alec and Perrin gave it a wide berth, and then to Alec’s horror he saw something flying above him. The nightmare dragon? No, but it definitely wasn’t a bird either. Alec suddenly recognised that long toothy head – it was pterodactyl, and it swooped at them from above and careened away without attacking.

  “We should get out of here soon,” Perrin said nervously. It wasn’t just the crocodile and the pterodactyl – as they went further into the museum they could see more and more creatures were swimming, walking and flying. Skin and feathers, bones and plastic, they all seemed to be alive.

  “Yes, and hopefully by then the foul beast outside will have found someone else to torment,” Ike agreed as Alec plunged recklessly through the mass of creatures to where he knew the sword was waiting.

  It wasn’t even behind any casing. He reached out his hand, but then pulled it back lightning fast. His whole arm felt as though it had been dipped in fire.

  “I told you it would be impossible,” Perrin said. “Look at the notice. That thing is magically protected from here ‘til Sunday by the latest security. No ‘zid would ever have the skills to grab it.”

  And I’m not even a ‘zid, Alec thought. It did not stop him reaching out his hand, but slower this time. He needed to leave this crazy magic behind. It was so hard – it was pressing in on him in waves – and then the shimmers of magic faded as he slipped back into his own world.

  Nothing there at all. No sword, not even the case.

  He needed some form of middle ground. He tried again, and found that he could manage it so that he couldn’t see a sword but could feel something in his hands – a bit like when Ike was hiding, but more slippery. He drew a deep breath. S
omehow, somewhere he could hear alarm bells ringing.

  Perrin was dragging on his hand, but he couldn’t see her. He felt horribly lost and alone. Then abruptly he was back in the magical world and they were running again.

  “Good luck,” a little ghost whispered behind them. With a luminous smile the ghost turned to another wispy ghost, this one was wearing an old-fashioned nightie. “Do you think in a hundred years’ time people will tell the tale of these two?”

  “Maybe,” the other ghost said, waving brightly.

  Perrin waved back. “Thank you, Freddy – I’d be dead without your warning.”

  The older ghost pulled on the boy’s hand. “Hurry, Freddy, someone’s coming.”

  Freddy stayed a moment longer. “If you die, you can stay with us,” he said and disappeared.

  Alec turned to see a smartly dressed man in a business suit and cloak running towards them. Staff in hand and the black cloak streaming behind him, he had a stamp of authority on his face and a large affable grin. “Come with me and you’ll be safe,” he said, showing just how perfect his teeth were.

  Alec hesitated. Was this man really here to help?

  Perrin didn’t hesitate – she stepped up to the man, kicked him in the shins, grabbed Alec, and stopped cold.

  Their exit was blocked by the nightmare dragon spitting fire at the glass doors.

  “This way,” the man said with a fixed smile, apparently oblivious to kicked shins and the noise of the furious beast outside.

  “Nathaniel Nugget,” Perrin gasped, “if you haven’t noticed there’s a nightmare dragon – “

  “Oh no, that’s just Melvin,” Nathaniel said, his smile wider than ever as he waved his staff. The doors slid open and Melvin dived inside, claws outstretched, jaws slavering. “Isn’t he pretty?” Nathaniel said. “And don’t worry, he’ll only kill you if you’re not with me.”

  Perrin pulled out her broomstick and swept it along the ground, flicking sparks up into Nathaniel’s face. She yelled some gobbledegook but it didn’t seem to do anything. Then her broomstick bucked and broke free from her grasp, flying off and away into Melvin’s jaw.

  The teeth bit and the broomstick shattered.