Wizard's Guide to Wellington

by A. J. Ponder

  “Nasty,” Nathaniel said, smiling as Perrin stood there crying, her defiance broken along with her broomstick. He pulled his cowl back over his head.

  Alec looked at her. He had to do something to save them both. He had a sword but he didn’t know how to use it, and he had Ike. Who was hiding just as things were getting dangerous. Typical. And what use was a book against a wizard anyway? Just one more thing that needed to be protected.

  Nathaniel was laughing now, all gleaming white teeth under his dark cowl.

  Alec raised the sword in one hand and tried to hide Ike behind his back with the other.

  Ike snapped shut on his fingers.

  “Ow! What did you do that for?” Alec said, reflexively snatching up his hand.

  Ike flipped open and a bolt of light erupted from his pages.

  Nathaniel yelled, and charged blindly, bolts of fire erupting carelessly from his fingers until Melvin shrieked in pain. He stopped and blinked. “Now you’ve made me angry,” he said, walking slowly towards them.

  Alec didn’t care. He had seen something important – a shadowy doorway marked “security.”

  “This way,” he said, tugging at Perrin’s jacket. She followed.

  They got inside. “Ike, where does this go?”

  “Go? You’re not going anywhere,” a voice said.

  It wasn’t Ike. It was a dark-blue man in a matching blue uniform, and he wasn’t alone. His partner, a severe woman, had identical skin colour and a voice as hard as her bun.

  “Stealing important swords and misusing magic?” the voice added. “You boys had better come with us.

  “I’m not a boy,” Perrin muttered.

  “And we weren’t the ones using all that magic,” Alec protested. “This guy came and attacked us.”

  “Be quiet the pair of you,” the man said, “or I’ll turn you both into frogs and put you into this here jar.”

  He pulled a pickle jar from his utility belt and waved it in their faces.

  “You wouldn’t,” Alec said confidently.

  “Ah, but I would,” Nathaniel said, appearing behind them. “Reckless endangerment, officers. Throw the book at them – and not my book, they need to give that back.”

  THE GORMLESS

  “But Ike’s not Nathaniel’s,” Perrin protested. She’d said so several times already, but nobody seemed to be listening.

  “I am not anybody’s property,” Ike humphed. Not that anyone was listening to him either.

  “They’re lying,” Nathaniel said, overwhelming anything anybody else was saying by casting his hands wide and employing his ever-ready smile. “I can assure you – ”

  “Yes, of course, Mr Nugget.” The man smiled back, showing disturbingly bright blue teeth. “We are apprehending them right now.”

  “Officers,” Ike spat with seething anger, “I can assure you I am telling the truth, and even were I not, article nine section five says that a truly sentient book cannot be owned. A law that is being flagrantly disregarded,- and I have – “

  “Ridiculous,” Nathaniel snapped. “I’m – ”

  “The book is right, sir.” A disturbingly blue eyebrow lifted. “Right then, Mr Nugget you’d better be moving along. These two are now under my authority – unless you would like to come down to the station with us to make a formal complaint? Maybe you could explain exactly what has been going on.”

  Perrin recognised the rather thinly veiled threat, and so did Nathaniel, who quickly sputtered, “No, no. Sorry, I can’t right now. Bit of a hurry – Coterie business, you understand.” He managed to grate a laugh through bared teeth. “I guess so long as they’re all safely locked away tonight I can handle a few youthful high-jinks.”

  With a last calculating look in Ike’s direction he lifted his cowl and hurried away.

  “How could you just let him go?” Ike spluttered. “He was attacking us. Besides, he’s a member of Bignose’s – ”

  “That’s Mr Bignose to you,” the lady said crisply.

  “You mean, Mr Blegneuse,” the man said, finally looking up from his notepad. “Now, I’ve finished the incident report, so if you would – ahem – hand over that sword you’ve been trying to hide. I think it’s time we got you two down to the station, and then Officer Lillz and I can come back and keep a better eye on this Event.”

  “I need this,” Alec said.

  “Stolen property. You will hand it over now.”

  And much to Perrin’s disgust Alec did.

  “Please, it’s so unfair.” Perrin dragged her feet.

  “Step this way,” the man said, and her feet did just that – against her will.

  “We didn’t do anything wrong,” Alec said, goose-stepping beside her. She thought he almost looked funny, until she realised she was walking in much the same way.

  “You blew up half the museum,” the lady snapped. “Most of the walls in the lobby are gone. You know, it’s going to take all night to sort the place out.”

  “I know my magic’s good,” Perrin said, “but it aint that good. ‘Sides, I have proof Ian and his Coterie are up to something. I’ve got a note.”

  “Is it from your mummy?” the lady muttered under her breath.

  The male officer choked off a giggle.

  Perrin’s fists clenched. “The note’s from the AMO. It’s important.”

  “Later,” Officer Lillz said with a careless shrug. “Here we are.”

  They walked into a large space with a tiled compass on the floor, and a hundred other guards all similarly dressed running around and looking busy.

  “But you can’t do this,” Alec said. “I need my phone call.”

  “Your what? Don’t be ridiculous.” The lady tutted and shook her head. “Look, we promise you’ll see someone soon enough. Now, the cells are through here. In you go.”

  The rusty iron key clanged in the door and they were pushed inside.

  “No!” Alec yelled, and stopped in surprise.

  BEHIND BARS

  Alec looked about the prison. It wasn’t the cold flagstones, darkness and dripping water he’d expected, instead the cold flagstones were covered with rugs and pot-plants, and comfortable couches formed attractive nooks.

  But that wasn’t the most surprising thing in the room.

  “What is it?” Perrin asked – just as a shrill voice piped up.

  “Alec! I knew someone would come and rescue me. I was just following a fairy at the party and I came to this door, and well it looked like that door in Alice and Wonderland, and I wondered if any fairies or talking rabbits lived behind it and-”

  “Molly?”

  “Boy, do you know this...this troublemaker?” Officer Lillz asked through the grate. “She simply won’t shut up yet she never says anything – or nothing that makes any sense anyway. At a fairy party indeed! She’s far too young. The Fay would never have her.”

  “Well,” Alec said, “she kind of was – ”

  “What!” Perrin and the officer exclaimed at once.

  “It’s, um, hard to explain.” Alec said. “It’s for kids.”

  “Goats?” the woman asked. “What have goats got to do with anything?”

  “They’re NoMUs,” Perrin said, “Nothing they do makes any sense.”

  The man frowned. “Lillz, come on, let’s not listen to their fabrications or they’ll have us all believing that Mr Blegneuse is part of some huge conspiracy. If we go and watch the Event now we’ll get to enjoy the show and maybe catch some real bad guys instead of these ‘zids.”

  “You could start with the people who kidnapped my father,” Alec said. “After all, they’re planning on waking a taniwha.”

  “That’s right,” Ike said, rustling for all he was worth. “The Coterie is about to wake the taniwha – you need to get out there and sort it out.”

  “That’s enough stories,” the lady said crisply. “Officer Tarben and I have more important things to do than listen to weird nonsense.”

  “We’re not telling stories. My dad
, Mr Kettleson, has gone missing. You can check, it’s true.”

  “Dad’s only a little missing,” Molly said. “Mum said he’d turn up.”

  “Your dad’s Mr Kettleson?” Officer Lillz asked.

  Molly nodded, wide-eyed.

  “Hmmm. Strange case. Didn’t know he had children. Still, just because your father’s gone missing, young lady, there’s no need to go out to parties and overdose on magic. It’s extremely dangerous.”

  Molly rolled her eyes and pouted. “Did not.”

  Alec gritted his teeth. “Please, I need to find-”

  “Quiet now.” Officer Tarben rolled his eyes. “The Chief will decide what to do with you two.”

  “But-” Perrin started.

  “Don’t worry, the Chief’s part of the Wellington Coterie and he’s twice got awards for...something? Being nice? I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask him next time I see him because...well, he doesn’t seem to do much. Still I’m sure he’ll help you out – he’s a really nice guy.”

  “But-” Perrin said again as the door was closed in her face.

  “Are you a fairy?” Molly asked Perrin as soon as the guards left.

  “No, I’m a person.”

  “You don’t live in the real world, so you can’t be a person,” Molly said and jabbed her finger firmly in one of her ringlets, all the better to glare at Perrin.

  “This is the real world,” Perrin snapped, “and you’d know it if you weren’t a little blind NoMU.”

  “A what?”

  “A good for nothing, no-magic Mundie.”

  “Really?” Alec asked. “Why don’t you remind me of that the next time I have to save your life?”

  “Oh, shut up, I didn’t mean you. She’s just...ergh. She’s – ”

  “Really annoying,” Alec said. After all, that’s exactly what she was. All the time.

  “Am not,” Molly said.

  He glared at her. “Yes you are. And you’re here without Mum, which means Mum’s going to be out of her mind with worry.”

  Molly sniffed. “I didn’t mean to. I just saw a fairy, and she was so pretty I wanted to know where she got her wings so I...followed. And then I couldn’t get back and the whole world was shaking and this lady found me and –

  Perrin let out a groan. “Burnt broomsticks, does it ever shut up?” she asked.

  “No,” Alec said, ignoring his sister’s baleful glare.

  “Your father’s kidnapped and all she can do is twitter on about some dumb Faye.”

  “Fairies are not silly, and besides...” Molly’s mouth dropped. “Kidnapped! You mean Dad is in trouble?”

  Alec shook his head before turning his own baleful glare at Perrin.

  “You’re lying,” Molly shouted her face all screwed up the way it got before she started bawling. “And I’m going to tell Mum on you. You’re mean, and your friend’s mean too. And you’re both big fat liars. And you won’t even let me look at that book. I know you’ve got it.”

  Before he could calm her down or reassure Ike (who had gone into hiding again), the door clanged open and a large blue man squeezed inside with the force of an army tank.

  “You can call me the Chief,” he said, holding out an enormous blue hand.

  Molly squealed and hid in the corner while Alec and Perrin had their arms half ripped off as he shook their hands.

  “So your father’s the infamous Mr Kettleson, eh?” he said heartily as if he were an overly jovial uncle announcing Christmas. “By all accounts he’s been tampering with the IMO accounts.” The Chief smirked, but whether it was at the really bad pun or if he was simply trying (and failing) to make them feel comfortable, it was hard to tell. “Nasty affair that, and now you two are causing trouble. And you, little one. Whoever you are.”

  “I’m Molly,” Molly sniffed. “And I want – ”

  “And I’m Ike, wizarding guide and – “

  “I’m sorry, I don’t talk to books. Completely outside my jurisdiction. You need a librarian for that.” The Chief deliberately looked away.

  Ike rustled with particular fervour. “For your information I’m a – ”

  “Article five section nine: anything written on paper must be personally signed by the author and should be verified as such by a libr-”

  “Does that mean you won’t even look at our evidence?” Perrin asked. “I have a note from the gnome at the AMO and he says it was Ian of the Coterie tampering with the AMO accounts.”

  “Everyone knows at the Coterie we work hard for the betterment of Wellingtowne, so be quiet and stop your nonsense. You’re just making it worse for yourselves. You did steal a sword as well, you know.”

  “But you have to listen,” Alec said. “We need that sword. We need to recue Dad from inside the taniwha-”

  Perrin nudged Alec and whispered. “Don’t you understand? He’s one of them. He’s from the Coterie.”

  “Yes, I am, and proud of it,” the Chief replied with a booming laugh.

  “How can you be? It’s stupid waking up a taniwha, and kidnapping people is terrible.”

  The Chief yelled, “That’s enough! I don’t know what you’re twittering about, but you’ve got it all wrong, so why don’t you apologise and I’ll let you off with a warning and a night’s home detention.”

  “A warning?” Perrin threw up her arms in despair.

  “A night’s detention?” Alec sighed. Why were adults so stupid?

  “Yes, quite right. Young ‘zids will get up to mischief. Well-known fact.”

  “I’m not a ‘zid!” Alec said. “I’m just...never mind.”

  “Yes, quite a stressful day, I’m sure. So just tell me where you live, and we’ll get you on your way for a quiet night in.”

  “But you can’t do that!” Alec said. “Dad needs us.”

  “Not nearly as much as we need him here to help sort out the mess he’s caused. Imagine altering the AMO books. Far too many residuals. You mark my words, we’re going to have a very busy night. I’m not sure what he thought he was up to, but don’t you worry about that; you just tell him that if he turns up here and confesses, things will go much easier for him. I promise.”

  Perrin’s hands bunched into fists. “I told you, he’s been kidnapped.”

  “No,” Molly said. “Dad’s away on holiday. Mum said so.”

  “Right. Whatever,” the big man boomed. “Now let me see, we’d better put a ‘go to bed and forget’ spell on you, just in case. The Blind People do get so overexcited if they see magic, and your mum’s pretty blind, isn’t she?”

  “But my dad-” Alec tried again.

  “You’ll thank me in the morning,” the Chief said with a friendly but devastatingly painful thump on Alec’s shoulder. “Things might seem grim tonight, but I’m sure your dad will be fine. So long as you remind him to give himself in.”

  GOING HOME

  “Why are adults so stupid?” Perrin asked, folding her arms crossly, and leaning forward as if she thought she could attack their GORMLESS driver with the force of her glare. Alec checked but his blue skin and blue uniform looked equally untouched.

  “You’re stupid,” Molly said, curling up on the seat and looking out the window. “This is fun. I get to stay up really late and ride in a flying car.”

  “It might be fun if we had a say in where the car was going,” Alex said. “And if the driver wasn’t taking the sword back to the museum afterwards. We need it.”

  “A sword?” Molly said. “I want to play with the sword too.”

  “No,” Ike said. “That sword’s dangerous.”

  Molly grabbed at Ike and missed. “I told you already. Your book talks and it’s pretty, and I want it. She tried to grab it again.

  This time Ike disappeared.

  Molly pouted. “I bet it has fairies in it. I’ll tell Mum if you keep making it disappear and won’t give it to me.”

  “You wouldn’t!” Alec said. “Because Mum won’t believe you. She can’t even see Ike at all. And anyway, he’s on
ly disappearing himself because you’re being a brat.”

  “But I want-” Molly whined.

  “Ahem,” Ike interrupted, reappearing with an angry flutter of pages. “Grab at me again and I’ll slam closed on your fingers, young lady. Also when you’re old enough to learn about the Fay I will think about chaperoning you. Until then you’d better start behaving yourself, or you can dance yourself to death at a fairy party and I won’t even care.

  Molly snapped her mouth shut and turned away, angrily pressing her nose up against the window and muttering. She probably didn’t even know what chaperone meant, but she had heard fairy parties could last for a hundred years and be quite dangerous. Alec knew because he remembered reading that story and telling her how dumb it was. Oops.

  Perrin leaned across and whispered in Alec’s ear, “We need to escape but it’s a long way down and there’s a spell-proof shield between us and the driver. And the doors are child-locked and force-fielded. So even if we could stop the car, there’s no way out.”

  Alec whispered back, “We’ll wait till later.”

  The driver laughed. “Be no ‘later,’ boy, we’re putting a seal around your house. You won’t be going anywhere ‘til morning. So listen to me and stop your nonsense. Lucky for you, this charm I’m going to put on your mum will mean she won’t even remember how naughty you’ve been tonight.

  “She won’t remember anything at all?” Molly asked, pulling away from the window and widening her eyes in a way some might imagine as innocent. Alec knew better.

  “Probably not,” the driver replied with all the gullibility of an adult. Perrin was right; adults were stupid, especially magical ones.

  “Yay,” Molly crowed. “When I get home I’m going to eat chocolate and marshmallows and watch TV. All night.”

  “Dad’s kidnapped,” Alec said, “and all you can think about is your stomach?”

  “You can stop pretending,” Molly said. “Everybody knows Dad’s not really missing – it’s just a big story to explain your girlfriend.”

  “His what!?” Perrin gaped.

  Molly innocently twirled her hair around her finger.