The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “The SOS brigade chief, Haruhi Suzumiya. These two are subordinates number one and number two.”

  You didn’t have to call us subordinates.

  “I order it in the name of the SOS Brigade. Stop your grumbling and hand one over.”

  “I don’t know who you people are, but no means no. Buy one yourself.”

  “In that case, I have my own ideas about that.”

  Haruhi’s eyes shone with audacity. Not a good sign.

  Pushing Asahina, who had been spacing out nearby, in front of her, Haruhi approached the president. And just when we realized that she’d grabbed the president’s arm, she pressed his palm onto Asahina’s breast with lightning speed.

  “Ahh!”

  “Noo!”

  Click.

  With two varying screams playing in the background, I clicked the shutter on the instant camera.

  As she held down Asahina, who was trying to escape, Haruhi used her right hand to direct the president’s hand in firmly groping the little girl’s breast.

  “Kyon. Take another shot.”

  I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Forgive me, Asahina and unnamed president. The president finally broke free of Haruhi’s grip and leapt away right when Haruhi was about to thrust his hand into Asahina’s skirt.

  “What are you doing?!”

  Haruhi gracefully waved her finger in front of the president’s bright red face.

  “Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I’ve got pictures of your sexual harassment now. If you don’t want me to spread these pictures around school, hand over a computer.”

  “That’s ridiculous!” the president furiously objected. I feel for you.

  “You forced me to do it! I’m innocent!”

  “And how many people do you think will believe you?”

  I looked towards Asahina to find her unmoving, sprawled on the floor. She’d moved beyond shock and into a coma.

  Meanwhile, the president continued to protest.

  “All the members here are witnesses! It was against my will!”

  The three computer members who had been petrified with their jaws hanging open apparently regained their senses and nodded.

  “That’s right.”

  “It wasn’t the prez’s fault.”

  However, such weak reciting in unison wasn’t going to work on Haruhi.

  “I’ll say that the whole club gang-raped her!”

  Everyone in the room, including Asahina and myself, turned pale. That’s going too far.

  “Su-Su-Su-Suzumiya…!”

  Haruhi lightly kicked away Asahina’s arms, which were clinging to her leg, and haughtily puffed up her chest.

  “What will it be? Are you going to hand it over or not?!”

  The president’s face, which had already gone from red to white, now became ashen.

  He was finally defeated.

  “Take whichever one you want….”

  The president collapsed into his chair. The other members ran over.

  “Prez!”

  “Hang in there!”

  “Get a hold of yourself!”

  His head was hung like a marionette whose strings had been cut. I may have been an accomplice in this travesty, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

  “Which one’s the newest model?”

  She was as cool-headed as ever.

  “Why do I have to tell you that?!”

  Haruhi responded by pointing to the camera in my hand.

  “Damn it! That one.”

  Haruhi took a look at the tower computer’s brand and model number and took out a slip of paper from her skirt pocket.

  “I stopped by the computer shop yesterday and had an employee show me all the newest models. This wasn’t one of them.”

  Her attention to detail was scaring me.

  Haruhi circled the table checking every computer before pointing to one of them.

  “Give me this one.”

  “Hold on! We just bought that last month….”

  “Camera, camera.”

  “… Take it! You thief!”

  We are indeed thieves. I cannot deny it.

  There was no end to Haruhi’s demands. After disconnecting all the cables, she ordered that the monitor and every little thing be moved to the literary club and reconnected. She even had them run a LAN cable between our rooms so we could access the Internet and connect through the school’s domain on top of that. All of this was done by the Computer Society members. This is what you call extortion.

  “Asahina.”

  Having been rendered helpless during this whole incident, I turned to the petite girl curled up in a fetal position with her hands over her face.

  “Let’s go back for now.”

  “Uhhh…”

  I helped the sobbing Asahina up. Haruhi could have just let her own breasts be groped. If she doesn’t give a damn about changing in front of guys, she probably wouldn’t have a problem with that. As I tried to comfort Asahina, still crying, I wondered what the computer was going to be used for.

  Well, I would find out soon enough.

  The launch of the SOS Brigade Web site.

  Apparently, that’s what Haruhi wanted to do. “So? Who’s going to make it? The Web site or whatever.”

  “You.”

  That was Haruhi’s response.

  “You’ve got free time, don’t you? Do it. I have to find more members.”

  The computer was on the desk with the “Brigade Chief” pyramid. Haruhi was moving the mouse around and surfing the Web.

  “Have it finished in a day or two. We can’t participate in any activities until a site’s up.”

  Yuki Nagato, reading her book, and Mikuru Asahina, sprawled on the table next to her, shoulders trembling, acted like they had nothing to do with this. It would appear that the only one listening to Haruhi talking was me. And since I was the only one who heard Haruhi’s order, I had to follow through on it. At least, that’s what Haruhi thought, no doubt about it.

  “Easy for you to say.”

  At least, that’s what I said, but I was actually pretty psyched. No. It’s not that I’d gotten used to following Haruhi’s orders. I was psyched about making the Web site. I’d never made one before, but it sounds pretty fun, right?

  And that was that. The next day would be the first chapter of my epic struggle to make a Web site.

  That being said, it wasn’t much of a struggle at all. The Computer Research Society, living up to its name, had already installed most of the necessary programs. All I had to do was open up a template and do a bit of copy-and-pasting.

  The problem was what to put on the site.

  After all, I still had no idea what kind of activities the SOS Brigade was involved in. I couldn’t possibly write about club activities that didn’t exist yet, so after pasting an image saying Welcome to the SOS Brigade’s Website! on the top page, my fingers stopped moving. I could hear the chants of “Hurry up and make it!” incessantly ringing through my ears, which is why I was sitting there with mouse in hand as I ate my lunch.

  “Nagato, do you have anything you want to put on the site?”

  I tried asking Yuki Nagato, who sat reading in our room even during lunch time.

  “Nothing.”

  She didn’t even look up. Not that I care, but she does go to class, right?

  I returned my attention from Yuki Nagato to the 17-inch monitor and went back to thinking.

  There’s another problem. Isn’t it a bad idea to use a school domain address for the Web site of a questionable brigade that holds lower status than a school-approved student association?

  “What they don’t know can’t hurt ’em.” That was Haruhi’s defense. “If they find out about it, just drop the site. With these things, whoever takes action wins!”

  I was a bit envious of her optimistic attitude.

  I added a free CGI access counter, put up a text message address—still too early for a message board—and uploaded the Web site consisting of a
top page alone with no actual content.

  This should be good enough.

  After confirming that the page was loading properly on the Net, I closed all the programs and shut down the computer. Then, as I was about to stretch myself out, I noticed Yuki Nagato standing behind me and jumped out of the chair.

  It’s like you couldn’t sense her presence. Before I knew it, Yuki Nagato was standing behind me with a pale face that resembled a Noh mask. With a poker face you’d find yourself hard-pressed to match, she stared at me the way one would stare at an eye chart.

  “Here.”

  She held out a thick book. Out of reflex, I took it. It sure was heavy. Looking at the cover, I saw that it was the sci-fi book Nagato had been reading a few days ago.

  “I’ll lend you this.”

  With that brief statement, Nagato left the room before I even had time to refuse. What’s the point in lending me such a thick book? Left alone in the classroom, I could hear the bell signaling the approaching end of lunch break. It appeared that I was surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about what I thought.

  Upon returning to the classroom with the hardcover book, I was greeted by the point of a mechanical pencil poking me in the back.

  “Well? Is the site done?”

  Haruhi was sprawled on her desk with a sullen look on her face. She was furiously writing away about who knows what on a torn-out sheet of notebook paper. I feigned casualness to avoid the attention of fellow classmates.

  “It’s done, sure. But it’s an empty site that’ll probably piss off visitors.”

  “That’s good enough for now. We just need an e-mail address.”

  “Wouldn’t a text message address work, then?”

  “That won’t do. It wouldn’t be able to handle the flood of e-mails.”

  “Why would a newly created e-mail address get flooded with e-mails?”

  “That’s a secret.”

  Then she got that disturbing smile on her face again. It gave me the creeps.

  “You’ll find out after school. For now, it’s top secret.”

  I’d rather you keep it top secret forever.

  Haruhi was nowhere to be seen during the following period. One could hope that she’d quietly gone home, but that was frankly impossible. Merely a prelude to her evildoings.

  After school, I still had my misgivings about what we were doing—so why is it that my legs were taking me toward the club room? As I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself in front of the door.

  “ ’Sup!”

  Yuki Nagato was already there, naturally, along with Mikuru Asahina, sitting in a chair with her hands together.

  I’m not one to talk, but are these two really that bored?

  Asahina greeted me with what was obviously an expression of relief upon my entrance. I guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato was stressful.

  “You still came today after what happened yesterday?”

  “Where’s Suzumiya?” asked Asahina.

  “Beats me. She was already gone during sixth period. Perhaps she’s off extorting more equipment.”

  “Will I be forced to do something like yesterday again?”

  Seeing that her brow was creased with worry, I tried to sound as kind as possible.

  “Don’t worry. The next time she tries to force you into something like that, I’ll do everything I can to prevent it. She can use her own body for that stuff. It’d be a cinch for Suzumiya to pull off.”

  “Thank you.”

  The sight of her bowing her head with a shy smile on her face was so adorable that I wanted to throw my arms around her. I didn’t, though.

  “I’m counting on you, then.”

  “You can count on me.”

  My guarantee might have meant something if it hadn’t fallen apart like a baseless theory, a house of cards, or an atom of hydrogen inside the sun, before even five minutes had passed. I’m worthless.

  “Hey, hey!” Haruhi said as she entered the room. My eyes were drawn to the large paper bags in both of her hands.

  “Took a little longer than expected. Sorry about that.”

  It’s safe to assume that whenever Haruhi is in a good mood, she’s plotting some scheme that involves inconveniencing other people.

  Haruhi set the paper bags on the floor and turned to lock the door. Asahina reflexively jumped at the sound.

  “What are you planning on doing this time, Suzumiya? Just so you know, I refuse to do any more burglary. Or blackmail,” I said.

  “What are you talking about? I’d never do anything like that.”

  “Then explain the computer on the desk.”

  “Obtained using peaceful measures. Forget that. Here. Look at this.”

  Haruhi removed a stack of printer paper from one of the paper bags. There was some kind of writing printed on the paper.

  “These are flyers I made to spread the name of the SOS Brigade. I snuck into the copy room and printed out 200 copies.”

  Haruhi passed out the flyers to us. So that’s what she was doing when she skipped class, huh? Pretty amazing how nobody caught her. I didn’t particularly want to look at the flyer, but for the time being, I took it and gave it a glance.

  PROCLAMATION

  OF THE SOS BRIGADE’S

  FOUNDING PRINCIPLES

  We members of the SOS Brigade are searching for the mysteries of the world. People who have experienced something mysterious in the past, people who have run into something mysterious recently, and people who plan on a mysterious experience in the near future should come see us! We will solve your problem on the spot! Guaranteed. However, a normal mystery will not do. It has to be a mystery that wows us. Make note of that! You can contact us at…

  I thought I was starting to understand the purpose of this brigade. It would appear that Haruhi wanted to immerse herself in the worlds of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror.

  “Let’s go pass them out now.”

  “Where at?”

  “The front gate. There should be plenty of students heading home right now.”

  “Oh, really,” was my response as I moved to pick up the paper bag, before Haruhi stopped me.

  “You don’t need to come. Mikuru’s the one who’s coming with me.”

  “What?”

  Asahina, holding the half-sheet of paper in her hands and reading its poorly written contents, tilted her head. Haruhi rummaged through the other paper bag and vigorously pulled an item out.

  “Ta-da!”

  Looking as triumphant as an Olympic gold medalist, Haruhi pulled out what first appeared to be a piece of black cloth. But oh no—! Once Haruhi had finished removing objects from her bottomless bag, I realized why Haruhi had designated Asahina for the task and began praying for her. May your soul rest in peace.

  Black leotard, fishnet stockings, attachable ears, and a bow tie along with a white collar, cuffs, and tail.

  It looked undeniably like a bunny girl outfit.

  “Um, um, um, what is this for?”

  That was Asahina, sounding quite frightened.

  “Can’t you tell? Bunny girl.”

  That was Haruhi, sounding quite calm.

  “Y-Y-You can’t mean for me to wear…”

  “Of course. There’s one for me, too.”

  “I-I can’t wear something like that!”

  “Don’t worry. The size should be right.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Um, are we going to wear those while passing out flyers at the school gate….”

  “Isn’t that obvious?”

  “I-I don’t want to!”

  “Shut up.”

  Crap. She had that flinty look in her eyes. Haruhi leapt onto Asahina the way a lioness would attack a stray gazelle and began removing the sailor uniform from the struggling girl.

  “Noooo!”

  “Stop resisting!”

  Making outrageous demands, Haruhi pinned down Asahina. She easily pulled off her top and moved her fingers to the hook
of the skirt, which is when I thought I better stop this and moved toward them only to meet Asahina’s eyes.

  “Don’t look!”

  Upon hearing that cry, I did an about-face and ran to the door—damn, it was locked—and wasted time rattling and turning the knob before I finally unlocked the door and tumbled outside.

  And based on a quick side glance during all of this, Yuki Nagato was reading her book as though nothing was happening.

  Don’t you have anything to say about this?

  As I leaned against the closed door, I could hear…

  “Ah!” “No!” “At least… l-let me undress myself… Noo!”

  … pitiable screams from Asahina…

  “Ergh! C’mon! Take it all off! You should have listened to me to begin with!”

  … and such triumphant battle cries from Haruhi.

  Meh. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to know what was going on in there, naturally.

  Some time later, I received a signal.

  “You can come in now!”

  When I hesitantly returned to the room, I was met by the sight of two unbelievably perfect bunny girls. Haruhi and Asahina both looked amazing.

  Low cut in front with an open back. High cut on the bottom with fishnet stockings wrapped around the legs. The bunny ears swaying on top of their heads and white collar and cuffs scored bonus points. Not that I knew what the points were for.

  The combination of Haruhi, who has a slender build yet with curves, and Asahina, who looks small yet sticks out in all the right places, was too much for my eyes.

  As I pondered if I should say “It looks good on you” to the sobbing Asahina, Haruhi spoke.

  “What do you think?”

  What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

  “This’ll be perfect for attracting attention! Most of the people walking by will take our flyers if we’re dressed like this. Right?”

  “Well, yeah. Two people dressed in costumes standing around school are bound to attract attention…. What about Nagato?”

  “I could only buy two of them. I got the full set so it was expensive.”

  “Where do they sell this stuff?”

  “I ordered it online.”

  “… I see.”

  I was wondering why I didn’t have to look down as much as usual when I noticed she was even careful enough to put on high heels.