The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  Haruhi grabbed the bag containing the flyers.

  “Let’s go, Mikuru!”

  Asahina, with her arms crossed over her chest, looked toward me for salvation. I could only stare at her in her bunny outfit.

  Sorry. To be honest, I can’t get enough of that outfit.

  Asahina fussed like a child as she clung to the table, but being no match for Haruhi’s ridiculous strength, she and her soft cries were swiftly dragged off, and the two bunny girls disappeared from the room. I sank into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

  “There.”

  Yuki Nagato pointed at the floor. Upon looking, I found two sailor uniforms lying in a scattered heap and… was that a bra?

  The short-haired, bespectacled girl remained silent as her finger shifted to the garment rack before she wordlessly went back to reading as though her job was finished.

  You do it, her gesture said.

  Sighing, I picked up the girls’ uniforms and hung them on the garment rack. Gah. I could still feel the warmth from their body heat.

  Thirty minutes later, a worn-out Asahina returned. Whoa. Her eyes were red like a real bunny’s. This isn’t the time to be saying that. I quickly stood and gave her my chair. And just like before, Asahina collapsed onto the table, her finely-shaped shoulder blades trembling. Apparently, she didn’t even have the energy to get changed. Her back was half exposed, making it difficult for my eyes. I removed my blazer and covered her quivering, pale back. The uncontrollably sobbing girl, the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered, castrated bastard (me) spent the following period of time silently in the club room with a record-setting strained atmosphere. In the distance, I could clearly hear the lousy horns of the brass band and indiscernible yelling of the baseball team.

  It was around when I started thinking about such insignificant things as what dinner would be tonight that Haruhi made her heroic return. The first thing out of her mouth was…

  “I’m pissed! What’s with those stupid teachers? They had to go and get in my way!”

  She was venting while in the bunny outfit. I had a general idea of what happened, but I asked anyway.

  “Was there some kind of a problem?”

  “Way beyond that! We hadn’t even distributed half the flyers when the teachers came running over and told us to stop! Who do they think they are?!”

  You know, if two bunny girls start handing out flyers at the front gate, people who aren’t even teachers are going to come running to stop you.

  “Mikuru started sobbing. I was dragged to the student guidance office. Even that handball moron Okabe was brought in.”

  The guidance counselor and Okabe the homeroom teacher probably had a hard time figuring out where to put their eyes.

  “Anyway, I’m pissed! That’s enough for today. Dismissed!”

  Haruhi tore the bunny ears from her head and threw them on the floor and began removing the bunny outfit. I quickly ran out of the room.

  “How long are you going to keep crying?! Come on, get changed already!”

  I leaned against the hallway wall as I waited for them to finish changing. It’s not that Haruhi’s an exhibitionist. She probably just had no idea what effect their scantily clad bodies had on males. Similarly, she didn’t choose the bunny girl costume for its sensuality; she simply thought it would attract attention.

  She’ll never be able to have a serious relationship.

  I really wish she’d start being concerned about guys who may be watching, or at the very least, me. All the stress was wearing me down. I had to hope for some kind of improvement, if only for Asahina’s sake. In any case… Nagato should really have said something.

  Asahina eventually exited the room, staggering and stumbling, looking like a student who had just failed all her tests to get into college for the second year in a row. Not knowing what to say, I remained silent.

  “Kyon….”

  She sounded like a ghost returning from a fancy cruise ship that had sunk deep into the ocean.

  “… If I become ruined for marriage, will you take me…?”

  What should I say? And wait, you’re going to call me by that name, too?

  Asahina, moving like a robot out of gas, returned my blazer to me. For a moment, I perversely hoped that she would jump into my arms and start sobbing, but she walked off with an expression like rotten, green vegetables.

  Kind of a pity.

  The next day, Asahina didn’t come to school.

  The name Haruhi Suzumiya had already been floating around school, but thanks to the bunny mess, her name had transcended mere notoriety into the realm of common knowledge for the entire student body. That was fine with me. I couldn’t care less if the whole school knew about Haruhi’s eccentric behavior.

  The problems were that the name Mikuru Asahina had begun spreading in association with hers and the fact that I felt as though the people around me were giving me strange looks.

  “Man, Kyon… You’ve finally become one of Suzumiya’s merry friends,” Taniguchi said in an irritatingly sympathetic tone during break. “I never would have expected Suzumiya to make friends. I guess the world is a crazy place after all.”

  Shove it.

  “Seriously, I was so surprised yesterday. I was going home when I saw bunny girls standing at the front gate. Didn’t even have time to wonder if I was dreaming. It made me question if I was losing my sanity.”

  That was Taniguchi. He was waving a familiar piece of paper around.

  “What is this SOS Brigade? What do you do in it?”

  Ask Haruhi. I have no idea. Don’t want to know either. Even if I did know, I probably wouldn’t want to put words to it.

  “It says to tell you about mysteries. What exactly does that mean? And I don’t really understand this part about how a normal mystery won’t do.”

  Even Ryoko Asakura came over for a bit.

  “It looks like you people are having fun. But it would be best if you didn’t violate moral sensibilities. That stunt went a bit too far.”

  I should have skipped school too.

  Haruhi was still mad. Not just about the fact that she was interrupted during flyer distribution, but about the fact that a day had passed without a single e-mail arriving at the SOS Brigade address. I was expecting to get one or two prank e-mails, but it looked like the world had more common sense than I thought. I’m positive that was because everyone realized that getting involved with Haruhi would only bring trouble.

  Haruhi glared at the empty inbox with a wrinkled brow as she moved the optical mouse around.

  “Why haven’t we gotten a single e-mail?”

  “It’s been one day. Maybe there are people with incredible tales of supernatural happenings, but they don’t want to tell such a dubious, untrustworthy brigade.”

  I said that to appease her. In reality…

  Do you know of any mysterious events? Yes, I do. Oh, that’s wonderful. Please tell me about it. I understand. It’s like…

  As if that could ever happen. Listen up, Haruhi. That stuff only happens in comic books or fiction. Reality is far more severe and serious. This little prefectural high school in some random corner of Japan doesn’t have any ongoing conspiracies involving the end of the world. There aren’t any non-humans wandering around quiet residential areas. There isn’t a spaceship buried in the hill behind school. None of this will ever happen. Not a single one of them. You understand, right? The truth is that you actually understand, right? It’s just that you have nowhere to vent the frustrations of youth, and that restlessness is leading you down a different path. Snap out of it already. How about you go find some handsome guy and walk home from school together or go see a movie together on Sundays? And join some sports club and knock yourself out. They’d make you a regular member in a flash.

  … At least, that’s what I would have liked to tell her, but I got the feeling I’d be eating Haruhi’s fist after about five lines, so I refrained.

  “Is Mikuru absent today?�
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  “She might not ever come back. The poor thing. I hope she wasn’t traumatized by the ordeal.”

  “I even brought a new outfit for her.”

  “Wear it yourself.”

  “Of course I’m going to wear it too. But it’s no fun when Mikuru isn’t here.”

  Following precedence, Yuki Nagato and her virtually nonexistent presence had become one with the table. There was no reason to be so particular about Asahina. Haruhi could use Nagato as her dress-up doll. Or I guess that’s not exactly better. But I got the feeling that unlike the crybaby Asahina, Nagato would calmly put on the bunny outfit as ordered. And I realized I wouldn’t mind seeing that.

  The long-awaited transfer student had come.

  I was informed of this by Haruhi during the short period of time before morning homeroom.

  “Don’t you think it’s amazing? One really came!”

  Haruhi was hovering over her desk with a stellar smile like a preschooler receiving a present she’d been waiting for.

  I didn’t know where she heard it from, but apparently the student was transferring into class 1–9.

  “This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. It’s unfortunate that the student isn’t in our class, but it’s still a mysterious transfer student. No doubt about it.”

  “How can you tell before you’ve even seen the student?”

  “Didn’t I already tell you? Survey says that a student who transfers in halfway through the year is practically guaranteed to be mysterious!”

  Just when, by whom, and how was that statistic derived? There’s your mystery.

  If any student transferring in the month of May can be considered mysterious, then you’d have to assume that Japan has an excess of mysterious transfer students.

  However, this trademarked Haruhi theory did not follow common sense. Haruhi took off as soon as first period ended. Probably off to 1–9 to scout the mysterious transfer student.

  And right before the bell rang, Haruhi returned with a dour look on her face.

  “Was the student mysterious?”

  “Hmm… Didn’t seem that mysterious.”

  Obviously.

  “We talked for a bit, but I don’t know enough to be sure yet. Might just be pretending to be a normal student. I’d say that’s the more probable scenario. It’d be a waste to reveal your true identity the day you transfer in. I’ll go do some more questioning during the next break.”

  Don’t. You probably startled the 1–9 people.

  Let’s picture it: Haruhi, who’s practically never initiated a conversation with anyone, suddenly comes into your classroom and grabs the nearest person. “Which one’s the transfer student?” she asks, and the second someone answers, she charges in that direction. Then she probably barges into a happy cluster of friendly students getting acquainted and makes her way to the center, drawing close to the surprised transfer student. “Where did you come from? What’s your true identity?” Like a cross-examination.

  I thought of something.

  “Was it a guy? Or a girl?”

  “Could have been disguised. But for now, he looked male.”

  Then it’s a guy.

  Which means the SOS Brigade would finally get another male member. He would probably be forced to join no matter what he said, for the sole reason that he was a transfer student. But he might not be as good-natured as Asahina and me. Would things really go so well? No matter how overbearing Haruhi is, a stronger-willed person would probably be able to resist her, right?

  If she assembled enough members, we would really have to make this foolish student association, “The Save the World by Overloading It with Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade” official, huh? Setting aside the matter of whether or not the school would accept it, the person who would have to complete the paperwork would be, ten to one, me. And then I’d be stuck with the label “Haruhi Suzumiya’s subordinate” for the next three years.

  I hadn’t actually thought about what I’d do after graduation, but I somewhat wanted to go to college, so I hoped to avoid doing anything that would be put on my record. But as long as I was with Haruhi, that didn’t seem very possible.

  What was I going to do?

  I couldn’t do a thing.

  I should have stopped Haruhi and made her disband the SOS Brigade, even if my arms were virtually tied behind my back.

  Then I should have soundly lectured Haruhi and convinced her to live a normal life.

  Forget about aliens, time travelers, and espers. Find some random guy and put your effort into a relationship, or work out your body on some sports team. I should have forced her to spend the next three years as an ordinary student.

  If only I had.

  If I had a stronger sense of purpose or will to act, I wouldn’t have been washed away by this current called Haruhi Suzumiya and forced to swim in an ocean of idiosyncrasies. The world would have retained its dignity. We would have lived normal lives for three years and then graduated in a normal fashion.

  … Maybe.

  The only reason I say this now is because I experienced things that were anything but normal. If you look at the flow of this story, you should have figured it out already.

  Where do I begin?

  I guess I’ll start around the time when the transfer student came to the club room.

  CHAPTER 3

  Asahina, after being recognized as one of the two bunny girls, bravely recovered just one day later and showed up at the club after school.

  Not that our club had anything to do. I had brought an old Othello board I’d dug up from home and was currently playing a game with Asahina as we chatted.

  It was good that we had a homepage up, but seeing that the access counter wasn’t going up and we weren’t receiving any e-mails, it was pretty much useless. The computer was now used solely for surfing the Internet. This would make those Computer Society guys break down in tears.

  Yuki Nagato continued reading silently to the side as Asahina and I began our third round.

  “Suzumiya seems to be late,” Asahina murmured as she stared at the board.

  Her expression didn’t look overly downcast. That was a relief. All things considered, being in the same room as a cute girl one year my senior was enough to make my heart flutter.

  “A transfer student came today. She probably went off to solicit him.”

  “Transfer student…?” Asahina tilted her head like a little bird.

  “Some guy transferred into 1–9. Haruhi was overjoyed. She must really love transfer students.”

  Place one black piece. Flip one white piece.

  “Hmm…?”

  “In any case, Asahina, I’m amazed that you were willing to come back to the club room.”

  “Well… I was a bit hesitant, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my concerns.”

  Didn’t you say something similar before?

  “What are you concerned about?”

  Click. Pitter patter. Her willowy fingers flipped the pieces.

  “Umm… It’s nothing.”

  I suddenly felt something next to me and turned to find Nagato. Her facial expression resembled that of a china doll, as always, but for the first time, I could see glimmers of light in her eyes behind those glasses.

  “…”

  The look in her eyes reminded me of a newly born kitten seeing a dog for the first time. Her eyes remained glued to my fingers as I placed and flipped pieces.

  “Want to take my place, Nagato?”

  My question was met with a robotic blink of her eyes and a nod of her head so subtle that you’d have to be looking really hard to notice it. I exchanged positions with Nagato and sat down next to Asahina.

  Nagato picked up an Othello piece between two fingers and stared closely at it. Then, as though startled by its completely unanticipated mass and magnetic adhesion to the board, she drew back her hand.

  “Nagato, have you ever played Othello?”

  She slowly shook her head from left to right.r />
  “Do you know the rules?”

  “Negative.”

  “Well, you see. You’re black so you’re placing black pieces while trying to surround white pieces. Surrounded white pieces become black. Whoever has more pieces at the end wins.”

  “Affirmative.”

  Nagato placed her pieces in an elegant fashion and clumsily began changing her opponent’s pieces to her own.

  Asahina, with a new opponent, began acting rather strangely. It looked like her fingers were trembling, and she refused to look up. On top of that, she repeatedly snuck glances at Nagato before quickly looking away. It was like she wasn’t even paying attention to the game. Black quickly took an advantage across the board.

  What was going on? Asahina seemed overly conscious of Nagato. I had no idea why.

  The match quickly ended in an overwhelming victory for black, and just when they were about to begin the next match, the root of all our troubles appeared with a new sacrifice in tow.

  “Hey, sorry for the wait!”

  That would be Haruhi’s fundamentally flawed attempt at a greeting as she firmly gripped a male first year’s sleeve.

  “This is the transfer student from class 1–9 who arrived today and is already making himself useful! His name is…”

  She cut off at that point directing a look behind her suggesting that he should handle the rest. The captive young man smiled thinly and turned to the three of us.

  “Itsuki Koizumi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  A slender guy who had the whole energetic athlete feel to him. A tactful smile. Benign eyes. He was handsome enough that if they took a picture of him in some random pose and stuck it on one of those supermarket flyers, he’d attract a solid group of diehard fans. He’ll probably be pretty popular if he happens to be a nice guy to boot.

  “This is the SOS Brigade. I’m the brigade chief, Haruhi Suzumiya. Those three are members number one, number two, and number three. And incidentally, you’re the fourth one. Everyone get along now!”

  If that’s your idea of an introduction, I’d rather you not introduce us at all. The only things established were your name and the transfer student’s name.