Heroes & Ghosts

by SA Payne

  but it came out sounding bitter. "I think I might understand, you're scared, things are changing, I know they've turned up your libido, but I can't do this. As attracted as I am to you," he found

  himself speaking slowly, picking each word carefully and still he felt clumsy. "As much as like the fantasy of us together, I won't have it be as simple comfort or re-payment, or from obligation or

  duty. I want to touch you, pleasure you, and I can't begin to imagine why that frightens you. All I need to know is that it does and that's okay but Rye, this is why I say no."

  Ichi rubbed his eyes and leaned against the counter again but this time it was because remorse

  was making him feel exhausted. "I'm a fool, I know it, I mean as soon as you've got your mind

  back you're not going to look twice at me but I can't do this. I want you, Rye, God, when you

  touch me..." He shook his head and had hoped something he'd said would gain some reaction.

  Rye still stood, staring at the floor. "Until you can meet me as an equal, touch and be touched, until you're ready to face that, this is wrong. You may never get there and that's okay too. Or you may never get there with me and I can deal with that. For now, you focus on getting better and

  we'll deal with this," he waved his hand between them. "We'll deal with this when you're ready to deal with it. Okay?" He felt like pounding his head against the wall, or crawling in bed and

  sobbing in frustrated anger.

  Rye simply stood where he'd retreated to, unmoving and unresponsive.

  It was too much, the swings of mood and emotion, worry and fear, lust and crashing stops, left

  Ichi exhausted. If Rye was an insect, he'd have no doubts how to handle the situation but Rye

  wasn't even a pet, he was a human and Ichi knew he was horrible dealing with people. It just felt

  really important not to mess this up.

  "I'm exhausted, let's go to bed." He pushed himself from the counter and moved to Rye's crate.

  The lid popped open far more easily now and he fished the blanket and pillow out. "No more

  sleeping in here, Rye, okay? Until I can think of something, the sofa is way more comfortable."

  He made up a quick bed on the sofa and patted it until Rye came over and stood near it, eyes

  still down. "Well, sleep when you're ready."

  He shook his head and lowered the room lights down to the dim night light levels he'd been

  setting them at since Rye arrived. When he wandered to his bedroom, Rye was still standing

  next to the sofa, eyes downcast, looking as lost as Ichi felt. When Ichi woke the next morning, he

  found Rye curled up, asleep inside his crate. The blanket and pillows lay on the sofa untouched.

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  "Afternoon Ichi, Rye." Will tossed out in happy tones as he swung into the small lab. "What's new?"

  Like always, Ichi was bent over his bugs doing whatever odd bug thing he did and it made Will

  grin to see it. Rye sat in the corner, as he always did, perched on the blankets. It was still an odd sight to see the red headed man wearing pants but he was getting used to it.

  "The swarm, they're on their fourth metamorphosis. I've never seen anything like this, the mouth is still malformed and the wings are barely functional."

  Will rolled his eyes and knelt near Rye. The small smile at Will's quiet teasing grew into a wide

  grin when the chocolate was slipped from one hand to another and Rye quickly popped it into his

  mouth.

  "What did you just give him?" Ichi asked without turning around.

  "Nothing."

  Ichi sighed and shut his system down. He turned and could tell by the way Rye was trying not to

  smile just what had transpired. "Chocolate, really, Will, it's not healthy." He scolded but his eyes danced. Rye had developed quite the love of the sweet candy and the darker the chocolate, the

  better.

  "Hush, it was just a small piece."

  "Well, what do you say, Rye?"

  Rye grinned and nodded his head.

  "Use your words." Ichi stood up and stretched his back. His spine popped as he worked the kinks out.

  "Th... th... th... thank y...you." Rye managed to stutter out and blushed a little at the difficulties.

  The voice was shy, soft, with a quality of long disuse but it was there.

  Will marveled at that. Ichi had refused all outside help and took up working with Rye nearly every day. The red head had made massive amounts of progress in a fairly short amount of

  time. Even the latest scans showed a shocking rate of healing and the only thing to attribute it to was Ichi's care.

  "You're welcome, Rye. Amanda's waiting for you, want to go ahead?"

  Rye glanced to Ichi before he forced out more newly found words. "Ma...ma... May I?"

  "So long as you're not a pest." Ichi grinned to take the scold from the words. "We'll be right behind you, I just need to close up here."

  Rye grinned again and the smile was almost heartbreakingly lovely to see. He nodded his head

  and hurried out of the lab.

  Will shook his head. "That guy loves music."

  "It's been good for him. The only nights he sleeps soundly anymore are after these weekly

  sessions." They'd stumbled on Rye's love of music by chance. Ichi had popped in one night to

  the common kitchen when the small group was playing and Rye'd stood in awe. Music was as

  much a part of Avalon as their drinking and he figured of the two habits this was the better one to pick up.

  Ichi had never felt comfortable joining the group, he wasn't from Avalon. When he boiled down

  his excuses, he'd always been to awkward. He lacked a rhythmic bone in his body and couldn't

  sing to save his life and everyone sang along to the old songs. When Rye responded with such

  delight, there was no way he could miss the weekly gathering and while Rye stuttered when he

  spoke, he could sing along to the songs without a hitch.

  "He's still having nightmares?"

  "They're getting worse, not better." Ichi ran his nightly checklists and finished his work. "He woke me up screaming last night."

  "You're doing amazing things here, Ichi, you know that right?"

  Ichi just shrugged one shoulder. "He's the one doing the work. He still won't say a word about before he got here. Will, do you think, maybe, you and Amanda could take him for a while? He's

  really grown very fond of you two." He couldn't meet his friend's eyes without blushing so he kept them down while he fussed at the last of the nightly busy work.

  "Why would you even ask that?" Will cocked his head to the side and frowned. "What's changed?"

  "Nothing, it's..." Ichi gave in and sat down. "You're going to die laughing at me."

  "Most likely, if I must go, it will be while laughing at you."

  "When he has a nightmare, the only thing to be done to get him back to sleep is to let him sleep in bed with me." He confessed.

  "Whoa, Ichi, you dog!" He didn't laugh, not quite.

  "That's the problem. I'm fairly sure he isn't thinking about me in those terms but I'm not getting any sleep. He stays on the far side of the, but he doesn't need to touch me. I, god, Will, he

  smells sexy to me, I can't say no to him but it's driving me insane." He ran a hand across his hair and tried to show Will how serious he was.

  "Why would you think he isn't interested in you sexually?" Will knew better, Rye my still be hiding a lot of what he was thinking or feeling but every time he stared at Ichi, Will nearly blushed.

  "Why should he? He needs a big brother or a father right now not a lover and frankly, Will, we've no way of knowing if he was gay before they made these modifications. What if he is naturally

  heterosexual? What if they altered his preferences when they amped up his libido?"

  "And what if they didn'
t?"

  "That's worse. I'm not a fool, I know what I am. I'm out of his league that's for certain and the only reason he's even looked twice at me is because they've programmed him to be gay and I'm

  the only option. I may not have much pride but I won't be a lover of last resort. Celibacy isn't

  going to kill me, maybe, if I can get Rye out of my bed." The words tumbled out, chasing each

  other to be aired.

  "You're an absolute idiot. Rye doesn't need a father or a big brother, he needs someone to love him, which you do."

  "I don't."

  "Bullshit. And you're very cute, in a geeky way, I'm straight and I might consider it, if we were the only two folks on the station and I was drunk."

  In spite of himself, Ichi found himself laughing.

  "My point is, there isn't any reason why he shouldn't be fond of you and there is every reason why he should be sexually attracted to you. I can talk to Amanda about it but really, Rye is doing

  amazing in your care and he doesn't seem to take to change well."

  Which was the truth, it had taken over a month to wean him of his crate and even then, when

  really upset, Ichi found Rye sitting in the clothes closet or in the shower stall. "He still feels safest in small spaces."

  "And he might never change that. Just cause we're pretty sure he's going to make a solid

  recovery doesn't mean he'll ever be back to what he was before they did this. He may always

  have oddities that he won't be able to shake."

  "I just want him to be happy."

  "Compared to what he was when he got here? You've done that."

  "And the nightmares?"

  Will shrugged. "A lot of folks have nightmares." The tone he used was wistful, distant, while holding a stab of personal experience. "Sometimes talking about it helps, just keep trying." He grinned again and tossed and arm around Ichi's shoulders to guide him from the safe world of his

  lab. "I can get you some medication to turn off your sex drive if you want?"

  "I'm not even going to dignify that with a witty come back."

  Ichi took his normal place in the back along the wall and tried to pretend to be invisible. It was

  enough that Rye had a good time and watching the happy smiles dart across his face or the rapt

  attention he paid the musicians made the night bearable. He'd have sent Rye on alone but the

  red head simply refused to stay if Ichi wasn't there. Like most weeks, as the night progressed

  Rye found his way over to sit near Ichi. Tonight Ichi let him sit on the floor without scolding him and toward the end of the night Rye was leaning against his leg, his head tucked tight to Ichi's

  knee.

  Rosie came tumbling over, breathless from dancing with Henry for most of the night and

  stumbled to a stop. "Hey Rye, darling, how are ya tonight?"

  "G..g....go... go..good, thanks." He forced out.

  "Good! It's good of you to get this curmudgeon out of his lab occasionally." She smiled and winked at the red head and ignored Ichi's slight frown. "And speaking of curmudgeons, you've a vid call Ichi. It's marked urgent so it popped up here." She nodded to the screen along the side wall.

  The frown deepened. It had been months since his last call, his mother had briefly contacted him

  to let him know his youngest sister was now wed and the call had lasted all of a minute. No one

  called him let alone a call marked urgent. "Thank you Rosie."

  "Welcome." She nodded and squealed as Henry dragged her back out to dance.

  He set his drink down and slid a hand across the red hair out of habit before standing up. Rye

  followed silently behind him but paused outside of the vid screen's camera pick ups. It was

  something no one had shown him, Ichi was pretty sure of that but he knew it. Another odd

  fragment of knowledge from Rye's other life and one just as puzzling.

  Ichi clicked the accept command and it took a moment for the call to complete. When it did his

  father appeared, wider in his face, skin less golden and eyes less almond shaped than Ichi's. The

  elder's hair was going white and he'd made no efforts to alter the fact but his dark eyes were still sharp even if they held a look of exhaustion Ichi had never seen before.

  "Father." Ichi said and bowed slightly.

  "Son." But the elder frowned and glanced behind Ichi. "Are you at a party?"

  Ichi glanced behind him to where the music was still playing and the occasional dancer must

  have swirled into focus. "No, not really, it's just a thing they do here."

  "I thought you were working at a serious research station."

  "I am father, I..." He drew a breath and reminded himself that he wasn't a child any longer. "It's just their way. Forgive me, I will find a quieter screen." He bowed again but before he could push the pause button Will popped up behind him.

  Will ruffled Ichi's hair and grinned before turning behind him and shouting. "Knock it off you animals! It's Ichi's dad!"

  That stopped the music and a dozen folk tumbled over to hang on Ichi and ruffle his hair. They

  jostled each other with all the life and exuberance of Avalon to get closest to Ichi, to drape over his shoulders. They took turns waving and shouting greetings of "Hello, Ichi's dad!" Some stuck their tongues out and winked, others held fingers behind Ichi's bowed and embarrassed head to

  give him horns.

  Through it all, Ichi held still and blushed. Knowing how it would look to his father and knowing if he protested it would only encourage his station mates to be sillier. He gritted his teeth and saw

  his father's tolerance level dropping.

  "I'm sorry, father, it's just their way. They mean no offense. What is it you wished to speak to me about?"

  "Yeah, Ichi-dad, what's the news?" Anna laughed and the group took up the chorus of pleading, ending with Rosie sighing. "It's an arranged marriage! Ichi's to be wed off to some buxom

  blonde!"

  That made him blush a brighter shade of red but he ignored them.

  "Kenichi, it's my duty to inform you that your mother has been killed."

  The laughter stopped and the hands nudging him and poking at him turned to soothing brushes

  and comforting weights. It didn't help the words sink in.

  "I'm sorry, father, what?"

  "She was collecting samples and her equipment failed. It was a fall of several hundred feet and it took the rescue team several hours to reach her, by than it was a recovery operation." The man spoke calmly, as controlled as ever. "There's no need to return home, her services were today. I know she wouldn't wish her death to disturb your work." The word work was a touch strained.

  Ichi bowed again. "She was kind that way." The words came out on their own but he felt his pulse beating in his head. "Thank you for informing me of her passing directly, father."

  "Of course, son." The father bowed again and the line cut off without a further word.

  "Oh, Ichi." Amanda whispered and tried to wrap her arms around him.

  Ichi pulled back and stepped from the group.

  "We're all very sorry about your mother, Ichi." Mark added.

  Ichi backed away a little more. He knew they were and doubted a one of them had a living parent

  but their way wasn't his. It was Avalon custom that the community was family. When the

  occupation and virus had taken so many, this tradition had become even more important and a

  birth, wedding or death was felt by the group. They gathered around each other as their strength

  was in their numbers. It wasn't something Ichi could do.

  He bowed slightly. "Excuse me." Ichi muttered before turning to hurry from the room. He was halfway back to his apartment before he even noticed that Rye hurried along behind him.

  Once home he moved on autopilot and found the items he kept in storage. The small, low table<
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  that didn't suit the Avalon provided furniture came out and he set it along one wall. On it went the ceramic bowl, made by his grandmother's hands and filled with sand from his home. It took a

  little searching to find the picture he wanted, the one of his mother smiling for a publicity image

  taken while he was still a child. She rarely smiled and the sight of it lit up her pretty face and

  made her look warm and approachable. He set the image on the table and gathered rice and

  water in two matching bowls to place beside the sand. Before the plain wood table he unrolled a

  red satin carpet made of thousands of tiny, intricate knots, work he'd made himself as a

  teenager. As all his people did to prove they were ready and mature enough to set up their own

  household. A tradition he'd found silly and old fashioned and now was grateful for.

  Out of a wood box he removed three sticks of incense and the lit them on the built in lighter. The

  sweet smoke flared and curled and filled his quiet rooms and Ichi balanced the sticks between

  his pressed palms as he knelt on the red knotted rug. The prayers that tumbled out were

  whispers, a comforting safe ritual she had taught him as a child. He bowed and repeated them,

  the incense smoke filling the room and bowed and repeated them.

  Behind him he heard his door open but didn't glance to see who was there. It was a small station,

  he could guess. Only it wasn't a single pair of feet but many and a half dozen men and women

  entered with subdued respect. On the small table, Amanda placed a glass of dark Avalon brewed

  porter ale before stepping back. Will moved to the other side and set a bottle of Avalon whiskey

  and again disappeared behind where Ichi prayed. The room was silent, and for once it was an

  uncomfortable silence. He finished his current set of prayers and tucked the incense into the

  sand.

  The living room was filled with comfortable faces and Rye had tucked himself against a wall.

  Watching with wide, uncertain eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the night." Ichi apologized.

  "Hush, you." Will shook his head and stepped forward. Without asking permission he wrapped strong arms around Ichi and pulled the dark head to his shoulder.