Heroes & Ghosts

by SA Payne

  Ichi tried to protest and pull away but Will held on and at the gentle, comforting hand across the

  nape of his neck, he gave in. It wasn't his way but his way felt cold and lonely. In his throat, his breath hitched and didn't quite sob but he let himself wrap his arms around Will's back and he

  clung to his friend, feeling small and young.

  "Shh, it's alright." Will soothed and the group around him moved. Some made tea, and others moved furniture around to form a comfortable grouping and occasionally some came by where

  Ichi clung to Will and stroked his back or hair and whispered words of comfort. It was okay to let

  them see grief and pain because they were a people that had seen more pain in their short

  lifetimes than most people saw in three. They understood and he didn't need to say a word.

  Part Nine:

  Little needed to be said. Eventually Ichi was sat on his sofa and tea was pressed into his hands.

  Around him were his friends and they made dinner and saw to it he ate. Not one of them offered

  pity of false sympathy, they just sat with him and expected nothing. It was in that emptiness

  away from all expectations that Ichi understood why they gathered together in times of joy and

  pain. The biting sting of the sudden news would have been sharp if he'd been alone but with so

  many around him to cushion the shock, it merely ached.

  Eventually, they said good night. At his door he was hugged and kissed and patted in comforting

  acceptance. Offers of comfort and care were exchanged and he was left to his privacy. The

  apartment felt heavy with the fragrant scent of the incense still in the air and Rye sitting tucked in a corner looking uncertain.

  It was easier to think about Rye than his mother. "You okay?" He asked.

  Rye nodded carefully.

  "Do you understand what it means, when someone dies?" He still wasn't sure how strong of a grasp Rye had on more abstract ideas.

  "Yes." Rye answered without a stutter. More often then not, when alone with Ichi in the safety of the apartment, he barely stuttered at all. It was only around other people that he grew fearful and uncomfortable and the stutter shook him up.

  Ichi stood in the middle of his apartment. "Do you remember your mother, Rye?"

  Rye just shook his head no but he climbed to his feet and padded softly over to the small table.

  He knelt on the red carpet and stared at the picture. "She looks li... li...like you."

  "Technically, she was here first so I look like her." But the observation made Ichi smile softly.

  "We weren't very close." He moved to kneel beside Rye. "She had six children but left it to the nannies and tutors to raise us. Her research was what she lived for, she did her best, loved us as

  much as she was able." They were words he couldn't say to Will and the rest of the folks from

  Avalon but ones that came easily when he spoke to Rye.

  Ichi bowed again but didn't want to think about his mother. "Rye, you had another owner before me, didn't you?" He asked the question he hadn't directly asked yet. It had been an ongoing hope that as Rye learned not only how to speak again but that it was okay to speak, that he'd share

  some clues to his past.

  Rye hadn't ever willingly volunteered a single scrap of information. The question made him

  pause and he considered it for a long moment. "Y...y...yes."

  "He wasn't kind to you."

  It wasn't a question but Rye shook his head. "No, he wa...wa...wasn't."

  "You know, I don't own you. No one does, you own yourself. You know that right?"

  Rye shook his head no and lowered his eyes to the floor.

  "You're not a pet, Rye, and you're not stupid or a child. You don't need a caretaker. No one here is going to turn you out, there are other sets of rooms. You're welcome to one."

  "No." Rye shivered.

  "You're going to have to eventually. You can't keep sleeping on my bedroom floor. You deserve

  your own life."

  "I ha... have a life."

  "You don't need me, Rye. You can take care of yourself and you've been able to for a while

  now."

  "No."

  "Of course you can, you're even learning to cook." The things that Rye knew how to do were random and some very basic things like cooking even prepackaged foods were totally unknown

  to him.

  "No. I d...d...do need you."

  "No you don't. We both know it. It's okay to be scared about being on your own."

  Rye shook his head but his hands balled up in fists. He struggled but no words were willing to

  come out and he swallowed hard hoping to dislodge them.

  "Shh, it's okay."

  "No!" Rye forced out. "It's not!" He wrestled with his own hidden wounds that felt deeper than mere brain damage. "I do need you. I be...be...be...be..belong to you."

  Ichi shook his head. "No, you don't Rye, you don't belong to anyone. You just think you do.

  Maybe it's in the modifications they did. I'll ask Will and Amanda but no matter what it feels like you're your own man."

  "No!" His balled up fists lashed out and he hit his own thighs with enough force to bruise. "Not t...to, I be...be..belong with you." He corrected. "Please, Ichi." The red head bowed forward, hiding the emotions that Rye couldn't control. "Please, don't se...send me away."

  "No one's saying you have to go away, just that you need to move on with your life."

  "I am!" He snapped back defiantly.

  "Rye, you had a life before this happened to you. A family, a home, a real name. Will and

  Amanda think it's been over a year since this was done to you, you must have family that misses

  you, is worried about you." He folded his hands in his lap. "I can only help you so much and I know you're holding back from me. On your own, with your own space, you'll have the room to

  find what's been lost, maybe." In some small part of Ichi's mind he knew he was trying to push Rye out because he couldn't handle mourning when someone else was around. Especially if that

  someone else already could so easily knock his emotions off balance.

  Rye was bent so far over his own knees, his forehead nearly scraped the red carpet. Only it

  wasn't a bow of respect but one of internal struggle. His hands slid across the thousands of

  knots, scraping lightly. Inside, he felt twisted into as many knots, tied up and restrained and

  everything felt so close to coming unraveled. He just didn't know which thread to pull on to start

  the process.

  "It fe...fe...fe...feels like a dr..dream." He forced out around a clenched jaw.

  The painfully forced words startled Ichi. Rye barely spoke, even when they were alone the in the

  lab or apartment, the red head was silent more often than not. When he did speak, it was when

  spoken to first and little more than what was necessary.

  "What is?" Ichi asked carefully.

  "Before." Rye sighed. "Before here." He rolled slightly and curled up on his side on the red carpet of knots.

  "You remember it though. Do you remember who did this to you? Or where you're from, what

  your life was before?"

  "No." He closed his eyes. "Some. Being co...cold. Always cold and pain." He shiver a bit. "Ichi, I ju..ju....just remembered th...that m...much a couple of da...days ago. Before? He would

  be...be...beat me. He'd le...le..le..le...let oth..others use me."

  "Rye..."

  "No!" He stopped Ichi. "No. Let me sp..speak."

  "Okay, I'm sorry."

  Rye sat up and didn't look away. "When he p..put me to be dis..dis..disposed of, he said it

  wa...was because he'd broke me. Like an an...an...animal and now I was bor..boring. He was

  right. He only wa..wanted me to br..break me and he did. But I woke up here, with you. Ichi,
I

  ne...need you. You're the only thing that ma...makes me happy, makes me hu...hu...human."

  "You are human."

  Rye shook his head in protest. "Please, I'll li..li..live as your pet if you don't send me a...away."

  "I don't want a pet." Ichi hissed back, startled by the painfully confessed words. "I never did! But you have to understand Rye, I was drunk, when I filled in the specs for the doll I was honest.

  You're so close to those specs, I could have custom made you. It's like you've stepped from inside my head and it's not just how you look. God, every day, every time you let yourself be a

  little more alive, I like what I see more. That's not fair, to either of us because look how far

  you've come in a handful of months, you'll be twice as far in another six. You're going to find

  yourself and be whole and you're not going to want me and I can't do this." The words tumbled

  out, falling on each other with his unspoken fear of rejection and isolation. It was better to stay tucked away and forgotten than to risk and be so badly hurt.

  Rye reached out and strong slender hands cupped either side of Ichi's face and held his head

  still. The grey eyes held a horrible intensity, a seriousness to his level of focus that Ichi had

  never noticed before. "What makes you think you haven't stepped from inside my head?" The words came out, flawlessly and with more strength than Rye had ever managed. "That f..first

  day, all I saw was you. I th..th..thought, prayed, please, let h..him be my owner and I blacked out and wo..wo..woke up and it was so."

  The grip on Ichi's head lightened and the fingers took on a stroking touch. The thumbs traced his

  temples, the fingertips slid across his hair. "Rye..."

  "Say I ca..can stay?"

  He still wasn't sure if Rye was even capable of making such a choice and he certainly couldn't

  swear that he hadn't been modified to bond or feel loyalty to his òwner' but Ichi wanted to agree.

  "On two conditions." He drew a breath and waited until Rye nodded. "You share with me what's in

  your head. The things giving you nightmares, Will says it might help ease them if you talk about

  it. If it's something you can't share with me, you'll tell him or Amanda or someone."

  Rye shook his head and glanced down. "Only you."

  "Doesn't have to be me, just talk to someone. It might help."

  "The oth...other condi...dition?"

  "You let me touch you." The longing in his voice surprised Ichi and he hurried to correct himself.

  "Not like that, not... I mean..." He felt himself blushing at the implications. "Just, touch, casual, human. You can stop it at any point but avoiding contact isn't healthy. Just as friends, not more."

  The hands slid from Ichi's face down to cradle lightly to either side of his neck. "Maybe more."

  Rye whispered.

  The whisper made Ichi shiver and he scolded himself for getting hopeful. "So it's agreed?"

  Rye smiled lightly and his head tilted to the side. Words hadn't stripped the man of his easily

  expressed body language. "On one condi..dition."

  Ichi raised an eyebrow but he reached up and took the slender hands between his own. "Name

  it."

  "You won't se...send me aw.away for anything I might te..tell you."

  He raised the hands up and kissed them, softly, before rubbing the side of his face against them.

  "Never."

  It wasn't good enough and Rye lifted Ichi's chin to stare into his eyes. "Promise."

  Ichi nodded. "Promise."

  Part Ten:

  Rye sat and let the promise sink in, the way he imagined sunshine would sink into his skin but he

  couldn't remember ever feeling sunshine. "Sleep?" He asked when it was obvious Ichi wasn't going to move and equally obvious that the dark haired man was exhausted.

  "Sure."

  It was easy for Rye to glide to his feet but Ichi felt old and stiff and moved with none of the red head's grace. His body felt leaden and he moved about the nightly rituals of preparing for sleep

  without thought. His mother was dead, the idea was a cold fact and had no connection to

  emotion. Somewhere, Ichi knew he should be feeling more, or at least feeling something other

  than surprised shock, but it just wasn't there. The startled uncertain confession of Rye's trust and truths sat closer to the front of his mind and those were feelings he'd rather think about.

  In the bedroom, Rye lifted the stack of blankets from the bottom of the bed. Sleeping on the sofa

  wasn't restful and with the crate gone all he'd wanted was to fall asleep hearing Ichi breath, and

  occasionally snore. He'd taken to sneaking the blankets into the bedroom and sleeping on the

  floor and trying to wake early enough to sneak back out. After Ichi caught him the third time, he

  no longer pretended that Rye was sleeping on the sofa.

  In a timid voice, Ichi had offered to share the bed or have a smaller cot brought in but Rye hadn't wanted that. He was just as comfortable on the floor and it seemed to make Ichi more

  comfortable to have him outside of the wide but not nearly wide enough bed. It was only on the

  occasions after really bad nightmares that Rye accepted the offer and crawled in under the

  heavy covers. They smelled like Ichi and while he slept across the bed from the other man, he

  could feel his warmth. It was the only thing that soothed his mind after the dark images.

  Tonight would be different. Tonight, Rye was pretty sure Ichi needed him to sleep in the bed for

  comfort. The confessed words had been almost physically painful to force out but they'd won him

  security and a place in the quiet, thoughtful man's life. It wasn't something he was going to let

  slip by and he knew Ichi was too tangled inside his own head to ever ask.

  He watched as Ichi yawned and slipped into the bathroom to change, his modesty making Rye

  smile softly while he stripped off his own clothes and slid on the soft flannel pants that were so

  blessedly comfortable to sleep in. His fingers slid across the shirt he normally wore to bed and

  rejected the item. Promises were made on both their parts and he was going to have to get used

  to being touched sooner or later. The smile at Ichi's modesty became softly self mocking, he just

  wanted a chance for Ichi to brush against him in their sleep. The touch scared him silly but set

  his nerves on fire and made him feel whole at the same time. It was a conflict he wasn't sure

  how to resolve.

  Ichi was yawning as he left the bathroom only to find Rye sitting on the far side of the bed,

  shirtless and not looking in any rush to put the shirt he was gently touching on his body. It was

  one of the things he'd noticed, the other man had a tendency to touch things, to simple trace

  textures and fabrics with his hands, absorbing the feel.

  "Sleeping in the bed tonight, huh?" He tried to make the words sound light but his heart sunk. He was so tired and just wanted to be left alone.

  Rye nodded and re-folded the shirt.

  Ichi could feel his shoulders tensing up in nerves but he nodded and dimmed the lights down to

  near darkness before sliding into his side of the bed. "Good night, Rye." The covers were cool along his skin and it made him shiver a little. The bed moved beside him and fabric rustled

  against fabric. Warm fingers brushed across his shoulder in the dim light.

  "Ichi?"

  "Yes?" He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see or feel or think anymore then he had to.

  "I..." but the words caught and refused to move. Rye had learned to hate that shorted out, disconnected feeling when he knew what he wanted say inside his head but couldn't make his

  body give it voice. He
struggled for a moment and when he knew nothing was going to shake

  loose he gave up. It was easier to just pick up Ichi's arm and slid in under it.

  "What?" Ichi questioned until Rye pillowed his head on his chest and let the lifted arm fall to drape across bare shoulders.

  The touch of Ichi's hand along his shoulders made Rye shiver but the sound of the startled and

  too fast heartbeat below his ear helped chase away the fear. It felt good, right, to curl up so close to Ichi, to let their warmth intermingle and Rye knew this was better than anything he'd ever had,

  ever. He closed his eyes and struggled to reclaim his words.

  Rye settled in against his chest like he'd been doing it for a lifetime and Ichi shivered. The head pillowed on his chest was a comforting weight but the skin his fingertips brushed was too silken

  over too perfect of a body. Ichi tried to tell his body he was too tired to think about sex, no matter how good Rye smelled or how nice it was to touch him.

  "Ichi?"

  Ichi had to clear his throat a little before he could answer. "Yes?"

  "I'm ready."

  He made the choice to be especially dense. "Well, I won't make a very good pillow. So if you're ready to sleep you should slide over."

  "No." Rye whispered and found if he listened to the heartbeat below his ear and didn't think too much about it, the words almost slid out normally. "You said, when I was ready, we'd figure this out. I'm ready."

  Ichi's mouth went dry. "Maybe I'm the one who's scared now?" He whispered into the darkness.

  He wasn't sure he could morally have wild, sweaty sex on the night he learned his mother had

  been killed. He'd never heard anyone say it was specifically disrespectful, it just felt like it should

  be.

  "That would make us a pa...pair. I'm still scared too." It amazed him that Ichi's heart could be pounding so quickly but his voice could be so steady. Too often, Rye felt that every emotion he

  had slipped to his voice and face and he had no control, he wondered how Ichi was able to hold

  so tightly to his.

  "What're you scared of, Rye? We don't ever have to do more than this." He forced out but found his hand gently stroking the bare shoulder, tracing the contours of arm, muscle and bone.

  "I... I'm afraid wh...when you touch me."