All The Way

by Tricia Jones

  He hadn’t reached for her any more than she felt it appropriate to reach for him. She hadn’t been able to think straight since last night, couldn’t even start to get her head around what had happened. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, so much she needed to know. But she couldn’t ask him while his eyes were hollow with lack of sleep, while exhaustion racked his body.

  “I need a shower, then coffee.” He rose and went to the door. “I’ll sleep later.”

  He was exhausted, Grace reminded herself as she fixed coffee. He was always cranky when he was tired, so after everything they’d been through it wasn’t surprising he seemed less than amiable. What did she expect? That he’d throw a party?

  She found eggs and ham in the refrigerator and fresh bread in the larder. A fully dressed Gabrielle and Vadim came down and advised Grace that they were heading out for breakfast and to do some errands. They didn’t say, but Grace guessed from Gabrielle’s smile that they wanted to give her and Niko some time alone.

  A few minutes after they’d left, Niko came into the kitchen. “I checked in on Leah. She’s still sleeping.”

  Grace poured coffee for them both and placed it on the table. “The doctor said he’ll pop in later this morning. He said that she’s physically okay, but the emotional trauma might surface in odd ways. He suggested I get her some counseling. ” She drew in a shuddery breath as she closed her eyes. “I can’t bear to think what—”

  “Then don’t.” He picked up the coffee. “She’s tough. She’ll handle it.”

  Grace brought the bread to the table. “She might be tough, Niko, but she’s still a teenager. She’s had her heart broken, been subjected to God knows what with that monster. Not that she’ll tell me anything.”

  When he said nothing, just sipped his coffee, Grace sat. “What did the police say?”

  He fixed her with a steady gaze, pursed his lips, then after long moments said, “We came to an understanding.”

  “That’s it?” Grace didn’t even try to push back her frustration any longer. “That’s all I’m going to get?”

  “There’s nothing else. No point in rehashing it. It’s over.”

  It was, Grace thought as she watched him stare at the table as he drank his coffee. And not just his visit with the police.

  They were over. All the way over.

  His mood was evidence of that.

  The truth of it pushed into her heart and squeezed. “Thank you for what you did for Leah.” How could she sound so cool, so reasonable when he’d broken her heart all over again? “As soon as I can arrange it, we’ll be going home.”

  He snapped his cup down on the table. “For God’s sake, Grace. What the hell do you expect from me? Do you want to hear that I nearly blew an ongoing investigation because I couldn’t stand to wait another few minutes until everything was in place? That if things had gone wrong it would have cost the safety not only of Leah but of God knows how many other women?”

  An ongoing investigation?

  “You told me we couldn’t involve the police. You looked me in the eye and told me that. Yet all the time, you knew of this investigation?” Grace could barely get the words. “All the time, you knew my sister was in danger. You knew what that bastard was planning. You knew that.”

  “I suspected. Until they left for Marseilles, I had no proof.”

  “Did you think I’d need proof? I would have clapped her in bloody chains and stuffed her in a locked room rather than let him anywhere near her had you voiced your suspicions.”

  Mindful of Leah sleeping upstairs, Grace made herself calm down. “Why didn’t you tell me you were working with the authorities? Did you think I’d jeopardize that in some way?”

  “A possibility. You rarely do as you’re told.”

  Fired up, Grace plowed on. “Idiot Grace couldn’t handle something that important, could she? Not that you cared. No. As long as I didn’t get in the way. As long as I stayed in the background and didn’t interfere. You didn’t care what I thought, what I felt—”

  “Leah was never in real danger, not for one minute. She was in our sights at all times. We couldn’t chance that Pavel would disappear.”

  “So you used her.” She stabbed a finger in his direction. “You wanted Pavel and you used my sister to get him.”

  “Grace—”

  “I’ll never forgive you for that, Niko. Never. What’s worse, I can’t forgive myself. I let her stay with him. Virtually handed her over to him. Had I known any of this from the start, I would have moved heaven and earth to get her away from him.”

  Niko ran his hand over his jaw. “My hands were tied and—”

  “Don’t give me that. You used her. You put her in a terrifying position and you didn’t give a damn.”

  “What would telling you achieve? You would have worried over a situation you could do nothing about.”

  All they did was go around in circles, Grace thought as her stomach sank to her feet. What good would more talk do? He would never understand how she felt and she would never understand his logic.

  “I can’t do this any more, Niko.” She took in a long breath. “While they examined Leah, I spoke with a detective. He said I can take her home as long as I leave our contact details.”

  His skin went taut across his forehead. “I want you both in Paris with me until everything is sorted.”

  “Everything is sorted.”

  He stood so fast, the chair toppled back against the tiled floor. “Dammit, Grace.” He paced for a while, muttering harsh foreign curses as he stroked his jaw, pushed his hand over his head. Then he turned to face her. “I can’t…I need you.”

  The last remnants of her heart shattered. How often had she craved hearing those words from his lips? How many times had she prayed that one day he’d tell her he needed her? Yet now it had happened and it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for her.

  “What you really need is a woman who’ll stay in the background, someone who won’t question you, challenge you. I can’t be that woman, Niko, not anymore. I’ve spent the best part of my life trying to please people, trying to please my parents. It was never enough. They saw me as amiable Grace, to be pushed in a corner and ignored. Incapable Grace, always ready to screw up. I’m not those things, Niko. Okay, I screw up on occasion, but that’s allowed. I won’t be pushed in a corner ever again. I won’t be ignored, patted on the head and told to be a good girl and keep quiet. Not even for you.”

  “That’s not what I want.”

  “Yes, it is.” Her smile wobbled as she held back the tears that ached to be shed. “I really hope you find her, the woman who will make you happy.”

  As she made to stand, he stepped in front of her. “You said you wanted me to share, that you wanted to know. I’ve told you about the authorities and my part in this, what else do you want to know?”

  The look in his eyes was both ferocious and pleading, but it was all too late. He still didn’t get it and he never would.

  “I don’t want to know anything, not anymore.” Wearily, she touched her hand to his cheek, then reached up and kissed him. His lips trembled beneath hers. “We could never be happy, Niko, we don’t understand each other. Likely never will. I need more than we have and so do you.”

  Helpless to respond, Niko could only watch as she sidestepped him and moved to the door. Was she right? Did they both need more than they could offer each other? Was it so simple? The ache in his gut told him it wasn’t, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He’d never seen her look so resolute, so magnificent, and so damn beautiful she stole the breath from his lungs.

  Yet, beneath the need to pluck her up and make her see—make them both see—that they could make it work, was the all pervading memory of her with blood smearing her face, staining her shirt where the glass she’d used as a weapon had cut into her flesh.

  He’d felt a shattering agony at the thought of her being harmed, that he’d not been there to protect her. That the vow he’d made all thos
e years ago had been broken when it mattered the most.

  Which meant she was right. They both needed more. He needed to wrap her in that cotton wool she’d spoken of, while she needed someone who could protect her. It appeared he wasn’t the one to do it.

  He watched as she walked to the door, the pain in his heart like nothing he’d ever known. “Grace.” He waited until she looked back at him over her shoulder. “If you ever need—”

  “I know that. Thank you for everything, Niko. You take care.”

  He stood where he was, listening to her walk up the stairs, across the landing, then into their room. He imagined her packing…and knew he couldn’t be around when she finally left. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and called Vadim.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “I’m going out for a bit.”

  Grace looked up from her laptop as Leah swung her bag across her body. “Where are you going?”

  At Leah’s rolled eyes, Grace realized she was still being a proverbial pain in her younger sister’s rear, but it had only been two months since…God. She still couldn’t bear to think of what had happened. On so many levels.

  “I’m meeting Sheena. We’re going for a pizza then a movie. I’ll be back around midnight.”

  “Midnight? That’s too late. Eleven. You’ve got class tomorrow.”

  Leah grinned, wrapped a mile long scarf around her neck and sauntered over to Grace. “I was planning on ten, but thanks for the extra hour, sis.” She bent down and plunked a noisy kiss on Grace’s cheek.

  “You think you’re very clever, don’t you?” Grace returned her grin. It was lovely to see Leah getting back to her old self. She’d been clingy when they’d first returned home to London and half afraid to go anywhere without Grace. Being back at school helped and she’d soon begun to put what had happened behind her and get on with her life.

  If only Grace could do the same.

  “You’re not planning on going out, are you?”

  Grace frowned. “No. Why?”

  “No reason. Just that if I need to call, it’s cheaper to call the landline than your cell.”

  When the doorbell rang, Leah bounced over. “I’ll get it.”

  Grace watched with a smile as Leah peeked through the security hole. Their relationship had transmuted into friendship in the last few months and it was everything Grace had ever hoped for.

  Well, almost.

  Don’t go there, Grace warned herself. Don’t get all maudlin and emotional again. She and Niko had parted as friends, sort of, and she would always be grateful to him. She would always love him. But at some point she had to get over this awful sense of loss, of grief, which wasn’t going to be easy. She felt as if she had a big, fat hole in her soul.

  Sometimes the pain felt so intense she had to force herself to get up in the morning. She needed to take a leaf out of Leah’s book and get on with her life.

  “Wow!” Leah turned to look at Grace. “You’ll never guess who’s outside.”

  She flung the door open and disappeared into someone’s arms.

  Instinct kicked in even before Leah cried, “Nikolai!”

  Frozen to the spot, Grace could only stare as Niko stepped into the room, a briefcase in one hand and the other wrapped around Leah’s waist. Her heart beat erratically, mercilessly, as she watched the two people she loved most in the world embrace.

  Too shocked to wonder when the sea change had happened—when Leah had taken it on herself to treat Niko like a long-lost friend and Niko had returned the sentiment—Grace drank him in.

  Then he turned his head, lifted his gaze and met hers.

  The impact struck like a missile dead centre of her chest, kick-starting her lifeless heart.

  Holding Niko’s hand, Leah drew back. “What a surprise. Isn’t it, Grace?”

  It didn’t come close, but her sister’s grin and Niko’s indulgent frown, answered Grace’s unspoken question as to what he was doing here. Her meddling sister had arranged it.

  “What a shame I can’t stop.” She gave Nikolai another hug. “I’m meeting Sheena for a movie and pizza and won’t be back for ages. You two can catch up. Perhaps if you’re still here, I’ll see you later? Bye.”

  With one last grinning look at Grace, she disappeared out the door and made a point of closing it after her with a resounding thud.

  Alone in the room with him, Grace was helpless to find anything to say. She stood slowly, a need so consuming it surged through her like a train, yet her feet stayed glued to the floor.

  “How are you, Grace?” Nikolai remained just inside the room and placed the case he carried onto a side chair.

  All she could do was nod and try to hide the fact that the love of her life had just stepped over the threshold. Her heart threatened to jump out of her chest.

  The silence stretched between them until Nikolai moved into the room. “Leah is doing well, it seems. Her confidence appears to have returned.”

  Good. This was good. Talking about Leah would loosen her tongue. She nodded again. “It took a while, but she’s adjusting well.”

  “And enjoying school.”

  “She’s finally knuckling down to her studies which are… How do you know she’s enjoying school?”

  He stepped to a table and ran his finger along the edge. “She calls me each week.”

  Grace knew her mouth had dropped open. “She calls you?”

  He slipped his hands into his pockets as he looked at her. “Or emails, sometimes a text.”

  “I…you’re saying she contacts you every week? Why?”

  “To tell me how she’s doing.”

  Grace wondered if she’d slipped into a parallel universe. “I suppose I shouldn’t be that taken aback, seeing as you’re her hero. But I wish she’d told me.”

  “Apparently, she didn’t want to worry you.”

  “Leah contacts you every week.” It bore repeating, if only to settle into her consciousness. “And she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to worry me.”

  He stepped closer, looking amazing in a navy shirt and trousers and an exquisitely cut black jacket. “She said it would be best, as you’ve been trying to get over me.”

  Heat crept into her cheeks and annoyance flared in her chest. What the hell was Leah thinking? “She’s got a vivid imagination. A pity she doesn’t put it to better use, like doing her homework.”

  Another step closer and he was a mere arm’s length away. As his male scent hit her nostrils, every cell of her body danced. She wanted to step back, but stood her ground. The last thing she needed was for him to guess that Leah had been spot on.

  “So.” Grace had to clear her throat. “Other than Leah making up fairy tales about me, what else do you two talk about during these covert calls, texts and emails?”

  “School, her plans for her future, and then there’s the career in advertising. Although she may change to public relations as there’s more scope for meeting people, apparently.”

  His gaze roamed over her, as if he were reacquainting himself with every part of her body. Her skin heated beneath that perusal and she wanted, so desperately, to do the same. To check out every delicious, shiver-inducing inch of him. Which was so not a good idea.

  She kept her gaze firmly on his. “Leah changes her mind like the weather.”

  “A prerogative of youth. At sixteen, who knows what they want to do for the rest of their lives?”

  We’re both stalling, Grace thought. Why was he really here? What did he want? Was he expecting to renew his offer that they pick up their relationship again? Surely not. She’d made her feelings on the matter clear enough back in Marseilles.

  Even so, their history dictated that she take control of the situation before he did. That she remain in charge of her feelings, her reactions. She couldn’t afford to give him an inch.

  “Why are you here, Niko?”

  His steady gaze never left hers. “We have things to talk about.”

  Oh, no. She couldn’t bear t
o get into all that again. To rehash everything. She wasn’t sure her nerves, or her heart, could take it. “We said everything two months ago.”

  “Leah told me that you weep for me. That you cry yourself to sleep.”

  What?

  God. She was going to kill her sister. Strangle the life out of her meddling little neck.

  Grace managed to compose herself sufficiently to respond coolly, dispassionately. “That vivid imagination again. Apparently, her brush with danger has given her a desire for storytelling.”

  The suggestion of a smile indicated he wasn’t convinced.

  Grace folded her arms across her chest so he wouldn’t see the rapid rise and fall of her breathing. “Sorry, looks like you’ve had a wasted journey.”

  Another long, slow perusal. Damn. How was it he could stir up so many conflicting emotions? Was she such a head case that she couldn’t resist him? Even after everything they’d been through? How he’d broken her heart? How many times did she have to go through this, endure this?

  As her body stirred beneath that darkly dangerous gaze, Grace sidestepped. She had to get to the door and shove him out before she lost it completely and gave credence to Leah’s claims.

  Fast as a snake, he body-blocked her. “If what Leah says is untrue, why are you trying to escape from me?”

  “I’m not.” Damn and blast. She wanted to stamp her feet. Maybe that would help to get rid of the pent up emotion that was actually making her chest hurt. “What is it with everyone? Thinking they know what’s going through my head. Like they have some magic key to my mind.”

  He moved in as she moved back. “Do you, Grace?”

  “What?” This close to him she found it hard to breathe. “Do I what?”

  “Weep for me?”

  Every bloody night.

  “If I weep for anything it’s the thought of what might have happened to Leah. That’s the closest to hell I’ve ever been.”

  “Leah’s doing okay. She’s adjusting. The nightmare may never be far away, for either of you, but she’s dealing.” He laid his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. “You’re not.”