Where My Heart Belongs

by Tracie Peterson

  Kathy drew a deep breath. “I think God is humbling us both.”

  EIGHTEEN

  SUNNY DIALED LANA’S FAMILIAR NUMBER and waited as the telephone rang. Just as Sunny was about to give up, Lana answered the phone.

  “Hello?” She sounded breathless.

  “Lana, it’s Sunny.”

  “Oh, goodness. I’m so glad to hear from you. I was just heading out to do some shopping but heard the phone ring and thought I ought to come back. Now I’m glad I did. Where are you, and how are you?”

  “I’m still in Kansas. My father passed away, and Kathy and I are trying to get the house in shape. We’re having an auction to sell off most everything.”

  “How are you handling your father’s passing?”

  “Well, for the most part, I think I’m in shock. I knew he was dying, but I guess I still wasn’t really ready for it. I wasn’t ready for anything I found here.” Sunny toyed with the metal cable that connected the receiver to the pay phone. “It’s so hard knowing they’re both gone. The grief is fierce, but like most of the grief in my life, I’m afraid to let it come to the surface.”

  “But why, Sunny?”

  “I guess I’m worried about it overwhelming me. I don’t feel that strong. I worry that I’ll turn to drugs or alcohol for help. I don’t want to and I don’t plan to, but it’s always there in the back of my mind because that was my old nature.”

  “But it’s not your new nature. You know that God has a plan for your future. He has promised to never leave you or forsake you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

  Sunny looked down the long dusty road that led out of town. There were very few trees beside it and no curves to the road, so it looked as though the thing went on forever. It seemed endless and empty, and that was exactly how Sunny’s life felt at the moment.

  “How are things going with your sister?” Lana asked.

  Sunny sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I get hopeful that we can work through things. Then something happens or one of us says something, and I feel like we’ve gone back to step one. We both seem to have a lot of frustration in dealing with each other.”

  “Give it time. You may have to take two steps forward and one step back for a while.”

  “I know, but I really wanted to make this work before leaving Kansas. Kathy’s trying to sell the farm, but even if it doesn’t sell right away she plans to leave within a couple of weeks. That’s all the time we have. Then she’ll go to Colorado.”

  “And where will you go, Sunny?”

  The question caused tears to come to Sunny’s eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “Look, I don’t want to divulge confidences or create false expectations, but you really need to call your mother-in-law. Nancy has been so worried about you, and I think it would be encouraging to you to just talk to her. Please promise me that you’ll call her as soon as we finish talking.”

  Sunny thought about it for a moment. She had wanted to call her mother-in-law for some time but wasn’t at all sure her contact would be welcomed. “I . . . uh . . . I want to.”

  “Then do it. It’s important that you stay connected. Sunny, she’s half sick with worry about you.”

  Sunny loved her mother-in-law. Nancy had been nothing but supportive and kind. Even when Brian had treated her with contempt and suspicion, Nancy had shown Sunny unconditional love.

  “I’ll call her as soon as I hang up.”

  “Good. Why don’t we just postpone any further conversation so you can do that right now? You can always call me tonight and discuss things further if you’d like. I have the day off.”

  “Okay. I guess I’ll do that.”

  Sunny hung up the phone and found herself tempted to forget about the second call. Her nerves were on edge and her emotions felt raw. How would she ever be able to talk in a normal manner and not reveal her misery and pain? But what if she did reveal those things? Why shouldn’t Nancy know that she was unhappy? It wasn’t like she’d brought any of this on herself.

  Looking at the phone, Sunny contemplated the call. What if Brian answered the phone? He could be visiting his mom and then . . . well . . . then nothing. He’d hang up on her. Sunny was certain of this.

  The phone seemed to beckon her. Reaching for the receiver, Sunny decided she could always be the one to hang up. If Brian answered the telephone, she would end the call. He’d need never know it was her. At least this was what Sunny told herself over and over as she punched in the numbers of her calling card.

  The phone began to ring. Sunny drew a deep breath and gripped the telephone so tightly her hand ached.

  “Hello?”

  Sunny let out her breath and steadied her nerves.

  “Hello?”

  “Nancy, it’s Sunny.”

  “Oh, Sunny! Oh, sweetheart, I’m so glad you called. I’ve been so worried.”

  Tears streamed down Sunny’s face. “I’m . . . sorry. I didn’t . . . mean . . .” She fought to keep her voice even, but it was no use. She sobbed softly. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sunny, it’s all right. You have nothing to apologize for. Just tell me that you’re all right. Where are you?”

  “Didn’t . . . Lana tell you?” Lana was Nancy’s best friend in all of California. In fact, when Sunny’s world had fallen apart yet again, Nancy had sent Sunny to stay with Lana.

  “Lana told me you’d asked her not to reveal where you were going. She respects people’s confidences, Sunny. She told me that you were all right, but not where you were.”

  “I came to Kansas. I wanted to see my mom and dad— and Kathy, of course.”

  “And did you?”

  Sunny gave a deep sigh as the tears continued to pour. “Mom is dead. She died not long after I left. Dad just passed away on the second of July. Cancer.”

  “Oh, Sunny. I’m so sorry, honey. How awful for you. What about your sister?”

  “She hates me. Well, maybe not as much as she did. We’re trying to work through things, but she’s . . . she blames me for most everything, and in truth . . . I blame myself.”

  “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”

  “How’s Lucy?” Sunny could no longer keep from asking the question. She longed for news of her daughter. Craved it like the air she breathed.

  “She’s right here. You need to talk to her. She asks about you constantly. The day care has been beside themselves. Lucy goes on and on about you. Wanting to know where you are and when you’re coming back.”

  “Oh, please put her on. I’d love to talk to her.” Sunny could hardly draw a breath. She fought to control her tears, not wanting to upset Lucy.

  “Mommy! Mommy!” Lucy yelled into the phone.

  “Hi, baby. Mommy sure loves you.” Sunny trembled from head to toe. The precious voice of her daughter, not yet four years old, filled her with a joy she’d not known since coming to Kansas.

  “Mommy, you come home right now.”

  “I wish I could, baby.”

  “You can. Just come right now.”

  Sunny closed her eyes. “Oh, Lucy, I want to. I miss you so much. Please don’t forget that I love you.”

  “Mommy, please come home.”

  Lucy’s pleading was Sunny’s undoing. She began to cry in earnest. “Oh, Lucy. Lucy, I’ll come soon. I promise. Mommy loves you, Lucy. Please . . . please remember . . . Mommy loves you.”

  Sunny hung up and fell against the pay phone hood for support. She felt as though all strength had left her body. Crying uncontrollably, Sunny made her way blindly to the car. The heat inside was unbearable, but Sunny didn’t care. She turned on the ignition, then laid her head against the steering wheel and let the pain of the last few months wash over her.

  Oh, God, I’ve made such a mess of everything. Why do you let me live? Why do you allow me to go on when I can’t even make the tiniest thing right?

  Sunny thought of her daughter standing there holding the phone, listening to the disembodied voice of her mother. Did she understand at al
l what had happened? Could she possibly believe in Sunny’s love for her—when Sunny hadn’t seen her for nearly two months?

  I try so hard, Lord, but it seems no matter what I do, I hurt people. I don’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want to hurt Mom and Dad when I left. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn’t think it would hurt them like it did.

  She thought of Kathy and the relationship she’d once known with her sister. At one time they’d been very close. Kathy had been the one person Sunny could turn to in her young life. Everyone and everything else was prone to change. Even when Sunny really messed up, Kathy always forgave her and even seemed to understand.

  But not this time.

  Everyone had their limit, and apparently she had found Kathy’s. Sunny was certain that Kathy could never forgive her.

  The air-conditioning cooled the interior of the car and helped to settle Sunny’s unstable emotions. She straightened and pulled on her seat belt. She didn’t want anyone to find her in this state. She thought of the only place that might offer her any comfort, and despite the building storm clouds in the west, she threw the car in gear and hit the gas.

  Gravel flew as the tires fought for traction. The car easily maneuvered onto the short run of pavement on Main Street. Sunny tore through town faster than she knew she should. She didn’t care. There was no real law here. Someone might call her on it later, but it wasn’t like anyone would pull her over.

  She glanced at the skies, remembering the brutal storms she’d experienced as a child. Spring was usually the worst time for violent thunderstorms and tornadoes, but she’d seen them come to the area during most every month of the year. Kansas weather was notorious for its flexibility and quick change. There was no telling what they might be in for today.

  I don’t care. Let the storms come. Maybe they’ll take me away—take my life and give me some peace.

  Kathy was just climbing into her car when Sunny’s car went streaking past. Sunny looked very upset, and Kathy couldn’t be certain, but she thought her sister might be crying. Without giving it further thought, Kathy got into her car and decided to follow Sunny.

  “What can she be up to?” Kathy muttered as she accelerated to catch up.

  Sunny was well ahead of her, but as she turned her car onto a narrow gravel side road, Kathy knew where she was headed and slowed her car.

  Countryside Cemetery was located at the end of the road. In fact, the road just sort of dead-ended at the cemetery gates. You could either enter the tiny fenced-off cemetery by driving through the closely set wrought-iron gate or you could turn around and head back to town.

  Sunny had chosen to enter, as Kathy had known she would. Slowing even more, Kathy followed. Row after row of ancient white stones marked the oldest part of the graveyard. Here the final resting places of old pioneers could be found. Slocum had been settled in the late 1880s and shortly thereafter had endured a measles epidemic that had taken the lives of half the settlement. Kathy remembered walking in the cemetery with Kyle and noting so many stones that showed the deaths within days of each other. It seemed unnatural.

  The cemetery progressed in years the farther Kathy drove onto the grounds. At the very back rows, she spied her sister’s car. Sunny had already parked and gotten out. Kathy couldn’t see her but knew she’d find her sister on the other side of the car, where their parents’ graves were.

  Kathy parked her car and prayed for strength. The air outside was heavy. The weather report had called for the possibility of thunderstorms, and Kathy could see that thick gray clouds had already formed and were darkening the sky in the west. If they spent too much time out here, they might well find themselves drenched.

  “I don’t know what to say to her,” Kathy whispered as she reached for the door handle. “Lord, I need your help.”

  NINETEEN

  “DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU?” Kathy asked.

  Sunny was nearly sprawled on the ground. She was reclined against their parents’ headstone, her head bent in sorrow. When she looked up, Kathy saw her tears.

  “You looked upset when your car passed me in town. I thought maybe I should follow you.”

  “Go away. I’m no good to anyone—especially right now.”

  Kathy knelt on the ground beside Sunny. “I want to help, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel like I even know you anymore—in fact, I’m not sure I know myself.”

  Sunny shook her head. “There’s no way to help me. I’ve been making messes of my life and everyone else’s for years now. It’s what I seem to do best.”

  “No it isn’t. You aren’t half as bad as you tell yourself.” Kathy shifted to sit on the ground. “Sunny, I don’t know what’s got you so upset, but I do wish you’d talk to me about it. I know I haven’t been good to you, but I do want to try. I’m finally starting to understand some things.”

  “You’ve been very good to me, Kathy. I have no complaints where you are concerned. I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been for you. Like you’ve said to me over and over, I knew where you all were. I knew that you were probably safe and sound, but you had no idea about me. Now I come back here trying to amend the past, and all I end up doing is hurting the people I love.”

  “That’s not true. Dad died experiencing a peace that he’d not have had if you hadn’t returned. You know that very well.”

  “But I should have come back years ago. We both know that and it sits between us like a wide canyon. There’s no way to bridge it.”

  Kathy heard thunder rumble in the distance, but she chose to ignore it. “I can’t imagine anything too big for God to bridge.”

  Sunny looked at her for a moment, then shook her head. “But even God says no sometimes. This may be one of those times.”

  “I doubt that. I can’t think of a single verse that says that when a person repents of their sins and asks to be forgiven, we’re supposed to ignore them and say no. I think this is just a whole lot harder than either of us could have imagined.”

  Sunny began to cry fresh tears. “You can . . . say that . . . again.”

  Kathy thought the storm appeared to be moving near them. She hoped she could get Sunny to calm enough to move this conversation home. “Sunny, I really want to work things out with you. I know that it’s just as much my responsibility as yours to overcome the past. And I want you to know that I’m trying.”

  “I appreciate that.” Sunny buried her face in her hands and seemed to fight to control her tears.

  “Can you tell me what’s brought all this on? Was it what I said at breakfast this morning?”

  “No,” Sunny said, raising her face. “I . . . no . . . it wasn’t that.” She met Kathy’s gaze. “I miss my daughter. I miss Lucy.”

  Kathy knew she would have to proceed carefully. “Where is she?”

  “California. With her father.”

  “Why aren’t you with them?”

  “Because Brian told me to leave and never come back.”

  Kathy frowned. “But why? Why would he do that?”

  “Because like most everyone else in my life, I’ve disappointed him. He believed something of me that wasn’t true.”

  Kathy said nothing for a moment, then gently touched Sunny’s shoulder. “Please tell me about it.”

  Sunny seemed resigned. She closed her eyes. “It started around Thanksgiving last year.”

  Sunny felt pretty good about the upcoming holidays. It was a few days before Thanksgiving, and she hoped she might convince Brian to take a little vacation. Just the three of them. Lucy was almost three and quite easy to travel with. Sunny had been looking into accommodations in Mexico, thinking they could fly down on a Thursday and be back on Sunday night. She was hopeful that if she suggested just the short getaway, Brian would allow for it. And if not—if this was simply too soon to give him time to change his schedule—then she had in mind to suggest a little longer trip at Christmastime.

  She heard him come into the house through the garage and squared her shoulders. It was never e
asy to convince him to take time off, but she felt it was absolutely necessary this time. He had promised after Lucy’s birth that he wouldn’t work so much, but he’d never honored that pledge.

  “Hi . . . you look tired,” Sunny said as he came into the kitchen. She leaned back against the counter. “Rough day?”

  “You could say that.” He reached for a glass and went immediately to the refrigerator. Opening the door, he pulled out a carton of orange juice. He poured himself a glass and drank a good portion before adding, “Everybody was in a bad mood. You’d think with the holidays coming up and the fact that we closed the office for Thursday and Friday, they’d be a little happier.”

  Sunny thought this the perfect time to bring up her ideas. “Speaking of which, I was checking online and found some great deals to Mexico. Just tiny trips—no more than three or four days. I thought maybe we could take Lucy and go. You know, get a little sun and fun.”

  “The sun’s bad for your skin and you know it,” he countered.

  She laughed. “Well, I didn’t say we wouldn’t go without our hats and sunscreen.” She came to him and put her arms around his neck even though he held the glass of orange juice.

  “It won’t work. I have too much paper work I’ve been putting off. I planned to use this time to get caught up.”

  Sunny tried not to show her disappointment. She let go of her husband and backed up a few steps. “How about at Christmastime then. We could do something special. Maybe take a week.”

  “How do you think we pay for all of this?” he questioned. “I have to work, Sunny. Money doesn’t just fall off trees.”

  “I know that, Brian, but neither does good health. You’re wearing yourself out. Besides, you promised me. You promised you’d spend more time at home with Lucy and me.”

  He grimaced. “Yeah, well you promised me more kids. I don’t see you trying to get pregnant.”