Where My Heart Belongs

by Tracie Peterson

  This had been an ongoing argument with them since Lucy turned a year old. Brian wanted a son. In fact, he wanted several sons. Sunny wasn’t opposed to more kids, but she felt it unfair to bring them into a home where their father was never around.

  “Brian, I’ve tried to talk to you about this. You’re never home. I feel like this is the first time I’ve seen you in weeks. Even when you’re here you’re so worn out you don’t know which end is up. You go for a swim or lift weights, take a shower and read, and then go to bed. I’m not sure when we’d make another baby even if I thought it was a good idea.”

  He slammed the glass down on the counter. “Maybe I’d be home more if I thought there was something to be here for.” He stormed out, not even bothering to look back.

  Sunny found his attitude confusing. She’d done nothing but baby and pamper him since they married. She tried always to be considerate of his schedule. Maybe she’d been too considerate.

  Three weeks later, as Christmas and Lucy’s birthday drew near, Sunny found herself facing another argument. She’d cornered Brian as he got ready for work. She was determined to get his promise that he’d be a part of Lucy’s third birthday.

  “It’s just one day. Christmas and your daughter’s birthday. Everyone takes Christmas off.”

  “Doctors can’t. People are still sick and injured. You know how it is, Sunny. Some of the worst accidents we’ve seen have happened around the holidays. I can’t make big plans because I promised to be on call in case there are emergencies. Lucy is a baby. She doesn’t care what day we celebrate her birthday.”

  “Fine. Then tell me which day you’ll take off, and I’ll plan her party around that.”

  Brian finished knotting his tie and shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way and you know it. Look, Sunny, my patients need me.”

  “Your family does too,” Sunny replied, her voice edging on hysteria. “You don’t even care that we need you. You don’t care how often we want to spend time with you. I’ve thought about making appointments for Lucy and me, just so we’d get at least fifteen minutes of your undivided attention.”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’re such a drama queen. Why can’t you be happy with what you have? Go shopping—put Lucy in day care and get a job. I don’t care. Just find something to do that doesn’t involve me.”

  “But I got married to you because I wanted to be involved with you,” Sunny countered. Tears began to fall, and she knew Brian would despise her for them. He thought tears were a woman’s game to control men. He said his mother had always used tears to manipulate his father— before she got religion.

  “Look, I’m not going to fight anymore about this. I can’t take time off and you need to accept it.”

  “Then you need to accept that there will be no more children. I won’t bring another baby into this house.”

  “Are you threatening me?” Brian asked, crossing the room in three steps. Sunny cowered instinctively, which seemed to take him by surprise. Then he grew angry. “I’ve never touched you in anger. Why do you dodge away from me like I’m about to hit you? You know better.”

  “Then why stomp across the room like some kind of force to be reckoned with?” Sunny straightened and wiped at her tears.

  He shook his head and waved her off as a complete irritation. “You’re a child, Sunny. Grow up and realize that you can’t run the world or me. If you want to take a trip, take one, but leave me out of it.”

  Sunny followed him from the room, her anger sufficiently stirred. “Maybe I will take a trip. A nice long trip— just me and Lucy.”

  “Leave Lucy out of this,” he said over his shoulder as they went down the stairs.

  “Why should I? I’m the only parent she knows.” Sunny was thankful her mother-in-law had kept Lucy overnight for some extended time together. She wouldn’t have to witness their angry words.

  “Lucy knows I love her, unlike you. You’re so insecure, you have to be constantly fed a line of praise and compliments.” He cursed and went from table to table in the foyer as he searched for something. Probably his car keys.

  Sunny smarted from the insult but knew there was some truth to the matter. She fought to keep from crying, but it was impossible with him acting this way.

  “You know, I figured you’d be difficult. Drug addicts always are.”

  “I’ve recovered,” she protested.

  “Once an addict, always an addict. You’re weak, Sunny. It’s why you ran away from home. It’s why you ended up married to a wife beater. You draw tragedy to you like ants to ice cream. I despise it and you know it.”

  “Stop throwing the past in my face. You have your problems too,” Sunny said, her voice breaking. “I . . . I’m . . . doing the best I can. I thought you cared about my needs.”

  “Maybe I’d care more if there weren’t so many of them.” He finally located the things he’d been looking for and headed for the attached garage.

  Sunny couldn’t help herself. She followed after him like a lost puppy—a kicked-in-the-ribs, lost puppy.

  “Look, stop smothering me and putting demands on me that I can’t fulfill. I’m not going to put up with this. I’ll divorce you before I put up with much more.”

  His declaration stopped Sunny in her steps. Brian continued to the garage, however. She heard his Jag roar to life, then listened as he peeled out of the garage and down the drive.

  Sobbing uncontrollably, Sunny sank to the kitchen floor. Why did he have to be so mean? How could he possibly say the things he had said if he loved her?

  No more than ten minutes had passed when the doorbell rang. Sunny rose slowly from the floor but figured to ignore it. She had no desire to see anyone. Then she worried that it might be Nancy bringing Lucy home. Something might be wrong. Composing herself as best she could, Sunny went to the door and answered it as it rang a third time.

  “I was beginning to think nobody was home.” It was Rick Anniston, Brian’s partner. That is, if partner could even be used to describe the relationship those two shared.

  Rick frowned. “You’ve been crying. What’s wrong?”

  Sunny pulled back and shook her head. “It’s nothing.” She tightened the sash on her robe. “Brian’s already left.”

  “Seriously, Sunny. What’s going on?”

  “We fought. That’s all.”

  “I’m a good listener if you want to talk about it.” He flashed her a smile.

  “I appreciate that, but you can’t fix this. It’s the same old thing. Brian won’t take any time off to be with Lucy and me. I called him on it and he blew up.” She shrugged. “It’s that simple.”

  “I’m sorry, Sunny. I guess we’re both suffering from Brian’s drive to be all things to all men. I’ve been turning to spiritual renewal for my peace of mind. Maybe you should consider the same.”

  “I was raised religious,” Sunny said. “I didn’t care for the hypocrisy. I certainly don’t need to listen to one more speech about how bad I am.”

  “He said that?” Rick took a step toward her. “He said you were bad?”

  “He threw my past in my face and accused me of things.” Sunny began to cry again. “It’s all so unfair. I love him so much, and he treats me like dirt. I don’t understand. In the beginning he really seemed to care. I guess I’m just a trophy wife to him.” Blinded by tears, she turned to find a tissue, but instead found Rick’s strong arms around her.

  “I’m so sorry, Sunny. You’re a good woman and he should never have hurt you like that.”

  Sunny resisted his touch, then gave in. It had been so long since anyone had held her—just hugged her or offered words of encouragement. Now Rick was here, and he seemed to know all the right things to say.

  Mindless of wetting his suit with her tears, Sunny let her emotions drain. Neither one said a word. Rick simply held her and let her cry. There seemed to be something almost paternal in his touch. She thought of her father and cried all the harder.

  “I should have known something
like this was going on.”

  Brian’s angry words caused both Rick and Sunny to jump. Neither one had heard him come back. Sunny raised her tearstained face to her husband. His rage was clear. He called her a string of ugly names, then grabbed her arm and pushed her to one side and faced Rick.

  “Is this how you repay me for the support I’ve given you? For allowing you to come into my clinic and practice under my reputation and name in this community?”

  “You don’t allow me to do much of anything in your practice,” Rick declared. “You’ve misjudged this situation, just as you generally misjudge everything. Sunny’s done nothing wrong. I came here a few minutes ago and found her crying. I didn’t come for some illicit affair.”

  “Then why are you here?” Brian’s face grew beet red. “Why are you here with her dressed like that?” Sunny pulled at her robe self-consciously.

  Rick reached into his pocket. “I came to give you this. It’s my resignation. I had my lawyer draw up papers. You can buy out my investment. I’ve decided to join another group.”

  “Get out of here. I should have known you’d pull something like this. You never were worth trusting—that’s why I didn’t turn over my patients to you.”

  “I was completely trustworthy, Brian. Just like your wife.”

  “I said get out here. Both of you. I want you both out of my house.”

  “This is my house too,” Sunny shot back. She took a step forward then halted at the look Brian threw her.

  “Not anymore. I want you out of here. Go get dressed and pack your things.”

  “You can’t just throw her out,” Rick protested. “She’s done nothing wrong.”

  Brian threw a swing and narrowly missed connecting with Rick’s nose. “If you don’t go on your own, I’ll put you out myself.”

  “Don’t fight. Please,” Sunny said, her mind a blur of unanswered questions. “I’ll get some things and leave. I just don’t want you to fight.” Desperation made her voice thick, and she knew something had happened that day that could never be fixed. Never be overcome. It was the end of the fairy tale, and no one was living happily ever after.

  TWENTY

  A LOUD CRASH OF THUNDER brought Sunny into the present. She looked at the ugly sky and shook her head. “Guess we’d better head home, huh?”

  Kathy looked up as if seeing it for the first time. “I was so engrossed in your story that I lost track of the weather. I think you’re right. We’d better get out of here.”

  They hurried for their cars and headed back out the way they’d come in. The greenish sky swirled with thick billowing clouds. Sunny knew from her childhood that this usually meant hail—probably wind too. And sure enough, just as they reached the farm, the sky started chucking pea-size hail. The orange and yellow marigolds that lined the walkway were already drooping from the barrage.

  Sunny got out of her car and started to make a dash for the porch, but Kathy called to her. “We need to get to the storm cave. Didn’t you hear? We’re under a tornado warning.” Sunny felt a chill go through her. All of their young lives they’d lived with the threat of violent weather. She had to admit in the years that she’d lived in California, she hadn’t missed it. The threat of earthquakes was unnerving at times, but tornadoes were horrific storms that Sunny had hoped to never again endure.

  “I didn’t have the radio on,” Sunny told her sister.

  They ran for the backyard as the hail grew in size. Kathy opened the shelter door and motioned Sunny inside. “There’s a flashlight at the bottom of the stairs,” she called and pulled the door down just as Sunny managed to locate the piece.

  Sunny turned on the flashlight and felt an eerie sensation wash over her. Overhead the hail beat down on the metal door, but otherwise there was no sound.

  “I didn’t realize the storm was so close—or so bad.” Kathy secured the latch before coming down the stairs to find the battery-operated lantern. “There, that helps,” she said as she switched on the light. “You can turn the flashlight off. Now for the radio.” She went to the small cupboard and took down the weather alert radio they’d used for years.

  “I’d almost forgotten what this was like,” Sunny said, turning off the flashlight. She placed it back where she’d found it. “At least I tried to forget. This place has always scared me. You’ve made it nice in here—well, at least nicer than I remember.” She motioned to a metal rocker with a plastic-covered cushion. “That’s definitely new. Better than the old wooden benches.” She noted they were gone. Other cushioned metal chairs were in their place.

  “We’ve probably been down here at least once a year since you left. One year, I can’t remember now which one,” Kathy said, “we were down here almost every night from April through June. It was one storm after another, and most were tornadic. Dad even put cots down here, because there were nights when it was just a good idea to grab some sleep while the storms raged.”

  Sunny heard the wind pick up outside and sighed. “I suppose it wouldn’t have been a fitting trip home if I hadn’t endured a good old Kansas storm.”

  “What about—”

  The weather alert radio cut off Kathy’s words, the dull drone of the weather service’s computerized voice announcing that an important message was about to be delivered.

  The news wasn’t good. The sheriff had sited a tornado touching down just southwest of Slocum. If it continued in the path it was on, it would pass very close to the farm. Sunny whispered a prayer for their safety.

  “Remember when Mom would sing ‘Shelter in a Time of Storm’ when we’d have to come down here?” she asked her sister.

  Kathy nodded. “I do. That’s a pleasant memory in light of all of this.”

  “Sounds like the hail stopped.”

  “I’m glad for that,” Kathy said. “The farm will be even harder to sell if there’s a lot of damage. I’d hate to have to replace the roof. Dad and I just did that a couple of years ago. We had a storm come through with baseball-sized hail that totally destroyed the windows and really beat up the roof.”

  Silence engulfed them for several minutes. Sunny felt a nervous tension that always came with storms, while Kathy seemed calm. Or maybe she was just bored. After all, there was nothing they could do but wait out the storm. Perhaps that was the most maddening thing. All they could do was sit and wait to see what destruction they might face.

  “What were you going to say before the radio went off?” Sunny questioned.

  Kathy looked a bit uncomfortable. “I guess . . . well . . . I was hoping you’d tell me what happened after you left Brian. If you don’t mind.”

  Sunny nodded. She was actually glad to be focused on something else. “Things calmed down a bit, but I realized things had changed. I went to stay at his mom’s because I didn’t have anyplace else to go. The thing that made me saddest was that Lucy never asked about Brian. He wasn’t home enough to miss. She thought staying at Grandma’s was such a great treat, and nothing else really mattered.

  “I got tired of waiting to hear from him, so I took Lucy and went home on Christmas morning. He was there— quiet, but at least not angry. I figured with Lucy in tow, he wouldn’t be as likely to make a scene, but I hated risking her comfort. We said very little. He had bought a large red rocking horse for Lucy and she thought it was the best thing in the world. She practically rocked herself to sleep on it. After I put her to bed, I tried to talk to Brian, but he didn’t want to talk. He said talking wouldn’t fix what was wrong with us.”

  “I’m sorry. That must have been so frustrating—being accused of something you didn’t do.”

  Sunny felt the pain of the memory threaten to strangle her. “No matter what I said, he didn’t want to listen or talk. His mother tried to talk to him too. That only made him mad. He accused me of putting her up to it, but I told him I’d said very little to her about anything.”

  “What happened to Rick?”

  “Brian bought him out and he went to a firm in Houston. Before he left, h
e came to the house one night to talk to Brian. I’d already gone to my room—Brian and I had separate rooms by this time. Anyway, I’d gone upstairs, but I heard the sound of voices and went to investigate. Rick was telling Brian he’d misunderstood everything. That was when I found out about Anita.”

  “Who’s Anita?”

  “She’s Brian’s office manager. It seems she was jealous of me. She had thought she had a chance with Brian prior to his marrying me. From what I could discern, she had all sorts of things planned, but then Brian connected with me and we married very quickly.”

  “Did Brian have an affair with her?”

  The weather radio went off again. This time the news sounded better. They were still under a tornado warning, but the storm system was shifting north and the tornado that had been spotted earlier was no longer on the ground.

  “Well, at least the storm will pass mostly over open ground,” Kathy said, resetting the radio. She turned back to Sunny. “So did he cheat on you?”

  “Brian didn’t have an affair as far as I know. But Anita planted thoughts in Brian’s mind, and he thought I was having an affair with Rick. She’d been telling him for months, probably years, that the two of us were sneaking around behind his back.”

  “That probably explains his reaction when he came home and found you together.”

  Sunny nodded. “I know he figured the worst. Nancy came over one day and we talked about everything. I told her I hadn’t cheated on Brian—that I loved him. She believed me, and that comforted me in a way I can’t even begin to explain. I felt that everyone suspected me of the worst, but not Nancy. In fact, she told me she was worried that Brian was going down the same road as his father. Brian’s dad had divorced Nancy when Brian was about fifteen. He left her for another woman and married soon after the divorce was final. He was actually into his fourth marriage when a heart attack caught up with him.”

  “So are you divorced?” Kathy asked.

  “Not yet. Things went along in a strange kind of unspoken agreement. We didn’t talk about anything. We didn’t share meals or time together. I lived at the house, but in a separate room. I took care of Lucy as I always had, but Brian wanted nothing to do with either of us.