The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘Nope. You were right. Your piece of gossip is crap,’ Doreen says, her face falling. ‘Oh and there’s something else you should know,’ she leans in close to my ear, ‘they’re turning you into a hippy!’ she whispers.

  I dig her in the ribs with my elbow. ‘I wasn’t at the good part yet,’ I mutter.

  ‘Oh, thank heavens for that. So, what else happened?’

  ‘Bay turned up.’ I swallow. Now I’m telling someone about it, the moment feels really precious, like I want to hug it close and savour it for a bit longer. But there’s no hope of that. Doreen’s eyes have gone wide.

  ‘When you say “turned up” . . . ?’

  ‘I saw him watching me from the yurt and dragged him out into the rain.’

  ‘This place is definitely doing you good,’ Doreen nods approvingly. ‘Go on, what happened next?’

  ‘Just this moment, you know? This look? And then he brushed a strand of hair off my face and it was like you said, all the space between us seemed to disappear.’

  ‘You didn’t?!’

  ‘No, we didn’t. Not if you mean like what you guys got up to—’

  I’m interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. We both look up guiltily to find that the rest of the group has rocked up while we’ve been chatting, and Bay is staring at us from his position up in front with Russ. They’ve clearly both been waiting for us all to calm down and shut up so that they can start this part of the session, but it looks like Doreen and I have managed to outstrip even chilled Russ’s patience quota.

  Oh God. What if Bay just heard everything I said? I feel the now familiar blush hit my cheeks again.

  ‘Doreen, where’s Geoff? Is he okay?’ asks Russ gently.

  ‘Oh, yes. He’s . . . okay. Just tired. Really tired. He needed a rest. This morning took it out of him,’ Doreen widens her eyes, trying to look as innocent as possible.

  Russ nods. I can’t help letting out a little snort of laughter.

  ‘Tired? I bet he is!’ I mutter.

  Doreen chuckles and settles back comfortably against the side of the shed to let the session unfold around her.

  ‘This morning’s session was all about the senses,’ says Russ, addressing the whole group. ‘What you saw, heard, felt . . . maybe even smelled and tasted. It was about staying in the moment and witnessing what was happening without letting random thoughts distract you. The key to the second part of the session is getting you all grounded again.’

  ‘Already done that bit,’ Doreen whispers in my ear, and I have to bite my lip.

  ‘We’ve all done plenty of sitting and talking, so this afternoon is going to be about work. Getting our hands dirty and doing something useful.’

  ‘Great!’

  It’s Than. He’s come to stand right next to us, slouching against the tool shed, legs crossed, arms crossed and, as I peep up at him, a truly pissed- off expression on his face.

  ‘There’s actually no better way to practise mindfulness than by doing something practical to help keep your attention rooted in the moment,’ Russ continues. ‘You’ll find that it’s incredibly balancing too.’

  ‘So we’re not going to talk about this morning’s session?’ Emma asks.

  ‘Oh, we will, but we’ll do it as we work. Over to you, Bay. What have you got lined up for us?’

  ‘Well, there’s always plenty to do in the garden, but especially at this time of the year. Lots of weeding,’ he gestures around at the raised beds, ‘and there are some tomato plants that I want planted in the bed at the back of the tool shed. We should be safe from the frosts by now, but the shed will give them a little bit of extra shelter and the warmth of the tin in the sun will create a microclimate for them.’

  Microclimate? He’s lost me. I pick a blade of grass and start twisting it around my fingers absently. As I watch Bay talk, I think about his fingers gently brushing the hair off my face in the rain.

  ‘Tori?’

  I jump at the sound of my name, and everyone looks around at me. It’s Doreen’s turn to dig me in the ribs this time.

  ‘Um, yes?’ I say guiltily.

  ‘We were just going through jobs. Are you happy to do some weeding? We need to get the beds cleared for the courgettes to go in soon.’

  ‘Of course. Yep. Fine!’ I say. Must learn not to daydream in public. Mindfulness – stay in the moment . . . May need a bit more practice at that.

  I feel Doreen shaking with silent giggles next to me as Bay turns to Beardy Weirdy to see if he’s happy to lead the tomato crew.

  ‘Oi!’ I whisper in her ear.

  ‘You should see your face,’ she laughs. ‘Thinking of a certain moment in the rain by any chance? All very Four Weddings!’

  ‘Shhh!’ I say. I don’t like the way Than’s looking at me. I could really do without having to tell him about what happened with Bay. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he wouldn’t be quite as enthusiastic as Doreen.

  *

  Russ was right; I find the weeding incredibly therapeutic. Bay has designed the garden so that most of it is set out in raised beds. Huge wooden railway sleepers piled on top of each other form the edges and bring the level of the soil up by a good couple of feet. I’m perched comfortably on one of them, pulling greenery out of the wet earth to my heart’s content, Bay having told us before we started that there is nothing that needs saving in this patch.

  Than, Doreen and Emma are all dotted around the same bed, and we’ve been listening to Emma describe a tiny patch of grass she’d decided to focus on this morning. She tells us about every single little critter she’d spotted in about a square metre, and I can’t help but smile at how different her experience was to mine.

  Bay joins us part way through Emma’s description and becomes so entranced by what she’s saying, he’s barely touched a single weed.

  ‘Oi, slacker!’ I laugh, tapping his empty bucket as Emma finishes her story.

  Bay grins at me. ‘Sorry. It’s just so amazing. I’ve done this exercise so many times, and I’ve literally never heard anything like that before.’

  Emma beams at him.

  ‘It’s like you discovered a whole universe in that patch of grass!’ He smiles at her.

  Emma nods enthusiastically. ‘That’s exactly it. I was there for ages, and I just kept noticing more and more.’

  ‘And that’s why this work is just so incredible. We all learn to look at the world differently through each other’s eyes,’ says Russ, wandering over to see how we’re getting on.

  I smile at his earnest tone.

  ‘What about you, Doreen?’ asks Russ. ‘How did you find this morning’s exercise?’

  Doreen’s suddenly weeding with such concentration you’d think she’s performing heart surgery.

  ‘Care to share?’ I ask, grinning at her.

  ‘It was good,’ she mutters. ‘Lots of connection with the land and stuff.’ She clears her throat.

  ‘Any details . . . ?’ I’m laughing now. Bay catches my eye and raises an eyebrow.

  ‘Nope. No details. It felt . . . private,’ mutters Doreen.

  ‘Fair enough. Sometimes it’s too close to the bone to share,’ nods Russ.

  At the word ‘bone’, I promptly dissolve into a fit of giggles, and Doreen joins me. I almost manage to sober up at the sight of the bemused look on Russ’s face, but a snort from Doreen sets me off again and we just keep getting worse. In fact, it’s not long before Emma joins the hysteria, tears pouring down her face even though she’s got no idea why she’s laughing. We’re practically unable to breathe by this point.

  I’ve just about managed to calm down, with the occasional hiccup of mirth, when I catch Bay’s eye again and notice that he’s completely given up on trying to keep a straight face too. Even Russ is grinning as he shakes his head in despair and heads off to check on the tomato crew. Clearly we all needed to let off a bit of steam after this morning.

  The only person who seems to be immune is Than. As I look around me, tak
ing deep, steadying breaths, I notice his face, and there’s only one word to describe it: grim.

  I sober up immediately. Maybe today’s been too much for him to even think about smiling.

  Bay looks up at him too. ‘How about you, Than? What did you get from this morning?’

  ‘I didn’t.’ Than rips up a handful of weeds and lobs them into his bucket as if they’re a hand grenade. He straightens his back and glares at Bay.

  ‘Care to elaborate?’ Bay asks.

  I glance back at him. The mirth of just a couple of seconds ago has been replaced by barely suppressed irritation.

  ‘How can I?’ bites Than. ‘I sat in a field. I got bored. It was cold, wet and windy. I came back. The end.’ Than stares at Bay as if daring him to contradict him.

  ‘So you didn’t bother with Russ’s exercise?’ Bay prompts mildly.

  Next to me, Doreen has gone back to weeding with intense concentration.

  ‘If it had been a proper exercise,’ says Than, voice full of heavy sarcasm, ‘I would have bothered.’

  ‘Obviously you didn’t engage in it with an open mind.’

  ‘How open-minded do you have to be to make up some crock-of-bullshit answer after sitting in a field, freezing your naggers off for a morning?’ Than’s on his feet now.

  ‘Maybe it just wasn’t the exercise for you.’ Bay is tight-lipped, and I can see that he’s struggling to keep a lid on his own rising anger.

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ says Than, shrugging. ‘Look, I’m going back to my tent. Like Geoff, I’m a bit tired.’ He does scare quotes around the last word with his fingers before turning his back on us.

  ‘Should I go after him?’ I ask, not because I particularly want to, but because it feels like maybe someone should.

  Bay shakes his head, an even darker expression on his face. I see him swallow.

  ‘Let him go,’ he says in a tight voice. ‘He needs a bit of time to calm down. Someone can check on him later to see if he wants to join us for the hot tub this evening if he’s up for it.’

  *

  By the end of the afternoon, I’m aching all over. In spite of the fact that I’ve discovered muscles in places I didn’t even know existed, I feel amazing, just like I did after the yoga session. Under Bay’s instruction, and with Russ’s ongoing input about staying mindful and grounded as we worked, we ended up weeding four massive beds. There’s only one left to finish, and that’s just because the weeds are way too well established to yank out by hand. The others have managed to plant out the tomatoes around the back of the shed as well as filling two little greenhouses.

  We’re all just about ready to drop, so I can’t believe it when Bay says he still wants to do a bit more work after dinner if anyone wants to join him. Apparently the potatoes need hoeing up in the evening because the leaves point upwards then. Who knew?

  I stare straight ahead, not wanting to catch his eye. As much as I’d love to help him out, I don’t think my poor back will take much more.

  ‘I know,’ says Doreen, and for a second I think she’s about to volunteer, ‘I’ll send Geoff down to help. He’s skived for long enough. Time for him to earn his place in the hot tub tonight!’

  Chapter 19

  Avoiding the Friendship Monoculture

  ‘There are three friendship scenarios that can lead to a monoculture; the “best friend as only friend”, the “romantic partner as best friend” and the “all my friends are in the same group” set-up. Should something cause any of these friendships to end, you could find yourself isolated far too easily. As in nature, friendships benefit from biodiversity.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  When I arrive at the hot tub, it seems that Doreen has been as bad as her word. Both Bay and Geoff are missing from the party, and I’m guessing they’re hard at work hoeing up the potatoes. I would feel bad for them, but right now I’m too achy and anxious to do much about it. In fact, the aching seems to have doubled since we stopped work, and there’s a part of me that is desperate to get into some hot water and soak myself. Unfortunately, that part is having to put up quite a fight with the anxious part of my brain, which is really starting to kick in. I know it’s not running water, but there are so many of us that I’m not going to have much control over the situation should panic start to creep in.

  I dump my bag and go to help the others shift wood from under a tarpaulin. There’s a solar-heated water tank, but a little wood-fired boiler helps to top up the warm water. I can’t seem to stop worrying about Than. He’s not here yet and I’m starting to feel like I should have followed him earlier. Actually, I’m wondering if he was kind of expecting me to.

  ‘Why the long face?’ Doreen asks, rescuing me from one of the two large logs I’m trying to heave over to Beardy Weirdy and Bob, who’re taking it in turns to wield an axe and chop the bigger bits down to size.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say, ‘just a bit worried about Than.’

  ‘Ah, he’ll be all right. Different things set us off, don’t they? Anyway, I think Geoff was planning to go up to see him after they finish off in the garden.’

  My shoulders sag with relief. Geoff. If anyone can talk Than down, it’ll be lovely, calm Geoff.

  ‘So, you ready for this?’ I ask, as we both potter back towards the tub.

  ‘Oh, yes! How can pulling a few weeds up leave you hurting quite so much?’ Doreen asks with a laugh.

  As soon as the tub’s full of warm water, everyone piles in. As if by magic, Claire, Russ and Bay appear to join in the fun.

  I turn just in time to see a white bum dash past me. Beardy Weirdy, keen to be first into the water, has dumped his clothes and leaps stark bollock naked into the tub. This seems to be the sign everyone has been waiting for. Before my eyes, trousers are being dropped, T-shirts cast aside with abandon and boxers are lying in the grass wherever I look.

  My heart is hammering, but it’s not the water that’s causing it this time. I just caught a glimpse of Bay’s surprisingly tanned behind as he slipped into the water. My case of butterflies has levelled up and I now feel like I’ve got a flock of pigeons in my belly.

  To my great relief, not everyone is baring all. Doreen is in her bra and pants, and grins as Claire and Russ shift up to make room for her.

  The tub is packed like a tin of sardines. We’re about to cook up a large vat of hippy soup and the water is already turning an interesting browny- beige colour. Actually, that might not be a bad thing – at least it’ll cover everyone up!

  I changed into my boxer briefs earlier and left my bra back at the yurt, so I just take off my jeans, fold them carefully and leave my T-shirt on.

  ‘Come on, Tori!’ Claire calls. ‘Hop in while it’s nice and clean . . . kinda,’ she laughs.

  I head over to the side where she and Doreen are lounging on a submerged ledge. I sit on the edge and dangle my legs over the side. There. That’s far enough. I can handle this without any trouble, as long as no one makes any sudden movements.

  ‘You not coming in?’ asks Doreen, looking up at me.

  ‘I’m good here for a bit.’ I smile at her.

  ‘We can make room if I sit on Bob’s lap!’ says Claire, winking at Bob.

  ‘Nah, I’m good thanks,’ I say. I’m starting to relax. There’s no pressure here. Just a bunch of people trying to be nice to me. I look over to find Bay watching me. ‘Like I said, I’m not good with water. Running water mostly, but I’m a bit weird with all water to be honest. It’s just one of my oddities,’ I laugh, trying to make light of it. An oddity that pretty much controls my life at times, but we don’t need to go into that bit right now. I don’t want this evening to turn into another therapy-fest just because of my issues.

  ‘Oh, wow,’ says Beardy Weirdy. ‘This is a big step for you, then?’

  I shrug. ‘I’m okay.’ Time to change the subject. ‘You know, this is awful, but I still haven’t caught your name.’

  ‘It’s Messa,’ he grins at me. ‘Nice
to meet you!’

  Everyone’s in full chat mode now. There’s lots of talk about the garden and how well we did with the work today. I act as main fire stoker, and every now and then hop up to add more wood to keep the water warm. The others keep offering to take turns, but I’ve laid claim to the role. For one thing, it stops it being strange that I’m still perched on the side of the tub, and for another, it means I don’t have to see a naked butt streak past me every twenty minutes.

  I feel a bit bad when Geoff turns up with Than in tow. I’ve been having such a good time that I’d actually forgotten they were still missing from the group.

  Geoff promptly strips down to his boxers and squeezes into the water between Claire and Doreen, throwing his arm around his wife.

  ‘Oi, you two,’ laughs Sam, ‘not in the hot tub!’ This causes much sniggering, and Doreen does her beetroot impression again.

  Than makes his way around the tub, takes off his shoes, rolls up his trousers and joins me on the edge. ‘Hey,’ he says with a smile.

  ‘All right?’ I ask quietly as the others noisily continue to rib Geoff for his late appearance.

  ‘Yeah fine,’ he huffs. ‘It’s just . . .’

  ‘SNAKE!’

  The scream comes from Emma. Everyone stares at her.

  ‘In the water!’ She’s scrabbling backwards out of the tub. Both Than and I draw our feet quickly out of the water. Doreen’s busy making a swift getaway too, and even Messa is retreating as fast as his little white backside will allow. There’s general uproar, squealing and a lot of laughter from Bay, who hasn’t budged.

  ‘Seriously, Bay, get out!’ shouts Bob from a safe distance.

  ‘No need!’ he chuckles. ‘I just saw it over there next to Geoff!’

  It’s Geoff’s turn to scramble up the side and sit dripping on the edge.

  ‘Tori, chuck me a stick,’ says Bay, calm as a cucumber.

  I dash to the pile, grab the longest one I can find and chuck it across the water to Bay.

  ‘Perfect. I should be able to get it with that!’ He grins, aiming it at the water like a spear.