The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  As one, the whole group seems to take a step back. What does this guy think he’s doing? Now he’s the only one left in the tub. We’re all standing around, dripping, watching open-mouthed.

  With a quick thrust, Bay plunges the stick into the water, then brings the point up slowly into the air. I don’t understand why he’s laughing, or why Claire and Russ are laughing – and now Geoff too.

  ‘Got it! You might be wanting this . . .’ And with a flick, Bay sends the snake flying through the air straight towards Messa. He lets out the most unearthly squeal, slips on the grass and falls, todger akimbo, in a heap with the dead snake on top of him. He hurriedly flicks it off of him, and then, sitting up slowly, stares at it.

  He turns to Bay, whose lips are quivering. ‘Bastard!’ he says mildly, and, picking up the ‘snake’, lobs it back at Bay.

  Bay catches it, wraps it around his neck and pretends to be sinking under the water, only to surface again, laughing his head off with it dangling from his fingertips.

  A lone dreadlock. Clearly one of Messa’s.

  *

  It takes ages for the laughter to die down. Just when it looks like it’s about to stop, someone yells ‘Snake!’ and off we all go again. Even Than is chuckling along next to me as we take it in turns to feed the fire.

  When Bay finally declares he’s calling it a night to make a bit more room in the tub, he starts a kind of mass exodus, and within twenty minutes it’s just me, Than and Messa left.

  ‘You coming in now it’s quieter?’ Messa asks me, gazing up at the sky.

  ‘Erm . . . maybe.’

  ‘I’ll chuck some more wood on the fire,’ says Than, and heads over to the depleted pile.

  ‘It’s not just you facing your fears tonight, you know,’ says Messa quietly. ‘What Bay doesn’t know is that I’m absolutely terrified of snakes!’

  ‘Oh my God!’

  He shrugs. ‘I survived,’ he smiles at me. ‘Might have a bit of a bruise on the arse tomorrow, but hey, at least Bay saved my dreadlock.’

  I nod. ‘You know, I might get in for a few minutes before heading off. Could do with it after all that weeding!’

  Messa grins. ‘Atta girl.’

  As Than comes back over, he slips off his jeans and tee and hops into the tub in his pants. I quickly avert my eyes until he’s sitting on the bench opposite me.

  ‘Right!’ says Messa. ‘That’s quite enough excitement for me for one night. My roll mat’s calling.’

  ‘Night!’ I say, and close my eyes quickly as he hauls himself out of the tub. I just don’t need to see that again.

  When I open my eyes, he’s wandering away with a towel around his waist, one hand raised in farewell. All of a sudden, I’m very aware that I’m alone with Than.

  ‘You okay?’ he asks.

  I nod.

  ‘Sure?’

  ‘I will be if you stop asking me that and talk to me about something else,’ I snap.

  He gives me a hurt look.

  ‘Sorry, sorry. Inner anxiety bitch surfaces again.’ He doesn’t need to know that it’s not anxiety about the water this time. We sit in silence for a minute.

  ‘Anyway,’ I say, ‘it’s my turn. Are you okay? After earlier? I couldn’t really ask you properly with everyone else here.’

  Than shrugs. ‘I’m fine. I just had to get away before the urge to smash Bay’s smug face became too much.’

  ‘Oh.’ I don’t really know what to say, but I find myself wishing I’d left with everyone else.

  ‘Look, Tori, you need to be careful around him,’ he says.

  I shake my head. Not again! What is it with these two?

  ‘Than, Bay’s a good guy.’

  He shakes his head at me, looking angry.

  ‘He is,’ I say. ‘Earlier, in the garden, he was . . .’

  ‘Don’t tell me he was trying to help,’ Than growls.

  ‘Well, he was,’ I say, ‘just like they all are in their own, weird ways.’

  ‘Trust me, that’s not what he was doing. And anyway, he’s all over you like a rash. I mean, living with you, watching you, joking around just to get your attention.’

  I laugh. ‘Bay had no choice in the matter when it came to sharing the yurt. I was dumped on him because I booked last minute.’

  ‘So did I, and I’m not staying there,’ he says sulkily.

  ‘Because you opted for camping.’ I’m starting to feel cross.

  ‘But you can’t deny that he watches you.’

  ‘Look, this is ridiculous,’ I say. ‘Just because you don’t like him, don’t expect me to feel the same way, because I don’t.’

  Than holds his hands up. ‘Fine, fine!’ He sounds huffy again, and I sigh.

  ‘I think I’m going to head back.’ I start to get to my feet, but Than jumps up and grabs one of my hands.

  ‘Don’t,’ he says urgently. ‘Don’t go. I’m sorry.’

  I look at him, shake my head and sit back down again. He sits next to me. ‘Really, I’m sorry. It’s not fair to take it out on you. You’re still the only person I’ve trusted enough to tell about my brother,’ he sighs.

  I settle back onto the bench. Poor guy, he’s got so much to deal with. I just wish he’d share it with the others, especially the instructors. Let’s face it, they’re definitely better equipped to deal with the fallout than I am.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I say.

  Before I know what’s happening, he’s leant forward. His face is right in front of mine. Oh my God, he’s going in for a kiss. I whip my head sideways and his lips catch me on the corner of the mouth.

  ‘Than, no,’ I say, pushing him away as gently as I can.

  ‘Why?’ he says, his voice hoarse.

  ‘Because I don’t want . . . this,’ I say, pointing back and forth between us. I can feel the first stirrings of panic. Time to get out of here, I think. ‘This isn’t the place. I’m not here for . . . this.’

  ‘But we—’

  ‘We’re friends,’ I say, standing up and quickly climbing over the side. ‘That’s it. Friends.’

  ‘But you—’

  ‘Nothing, Than. I’ve done nothing. Look, let’s just forget it. I’m tired, I’m going to bed.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Tori. I’ll walk you back,’ he says, getting to his feet.

  ‘No. Thank you. I’m fine.’

  I grab my towel, wrap it around me and bundle my clothes up off of the floor. Then I turn back to see him, still standing in the tub, watching me.

  ‘We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?’ I say.

  He just shrugs, so I turn and walk as quickly as I can back towards the farmyard.

  Oh God, how did that just go so wrong? My first thought is to get straight back to the yurt, but I realize that I need my friends. My real friends. I need the Warriors, which means I need to find Rowan.

  Despite everyone having headed back to their various camps, it’s not dark yet. I make my way towards the farmhouse, hoping to bump into her.

  As if by magic, I spot Rowan heading towards me as soon as I get into the yard.

  ‘Rowan!’ I say.

  ‘Ye–s,’ she grins at me, seeing a sale in the offing.

  ‘I need to use your phone for a couple of minutes.’

  She whips it out of her back pocket. ‘Call, text or internet?’

  ‘Internet, please,’ I say.

  ‘Knock yourself out. You know the price!’

  I nod. ‘Mind if I take it around to the fire pit for a minute, just so I can sit down?’

  ‘I wouldn’t. That’s where Mum and Dad are hanging out. Come down to the barn with me for a sec, I’ve got to get some feed for the chickens anyway, and there’s a bench in there.’

  ‘Thanks!’ I smile at her and pull the towel tighter round me.

  ‘You know,’ she says as we walk down the yard, ‘it might be a good idea for you to put that jumper on. Don’t want you catching a chill!’

  As soon as I’m ensconced on a little wooden bench which is sandw
iched between an old chest freezer full of chicken food and a pile of straw bales, I follow her advice and pull my jumper on over my wet T-shirt. I really don’t much fancy nursing a cold here on top of everything else.

  Grabbing a scoop of feed, Rowan leaves me to it. I log into the chatroom and send a bunch of messages as quickly as I can.

  *

  WriterTori: Hey, guys. Still alive. Really miss you all. Need to offload – am being charged by the millisecond though so have to be quick . . . Than, that guy I told you about before, he just tried to kiss me. Totally out of the blue. It made me feel awful. I don’t think I feel like that about him. Thought for a sec I might, but I think I was just excited to have someone on my side, someone who wanted to spend time with me. I just abandoned him in the hot tub. Feel really bad. Tomorrow is going to be awkward! What do I do? Give me advice? Pretty please.

  WriterTori: There’s something else too. There is someone I might actually like . . . like that. Completely unexpected, and also awkward as it’s Bay, the guy I’m sharing the yurt with. We had this moment earlier in the rain, and it made me see him properly for the first time. But we’re living together . . . I think Than hates him and . . . GAH! I need to talk to you. Why aren’t you online? Helloooooo?

  WriterTori: Damn. Gotta go. This message has just cost me about a gazillion pounds. I love you guys. Thanks for listening.

  ‘You done?’ comes Rowan’s voice as she wanders back into the barn, empty feed scoop in hand.

  ‘Yep. Give me a sec to log off.’ I do so quickly and then erase the site from the phone’s history. Don’t know why, I just always do.

  ‘That’ll be six quid, please.’

  ‘I don’t have any cash on me,’ I say.

  ‘No probs . . . just log on to PayPal. Make sure you add an extra fifty pence though – transaction fee.’

  I roll my eyes. This girl’s going to go far.

  Chapter 20

  Let Your Lion Loose

  ‘For those who suffer with anxiety, it’s natural to avoid confrontation, but there are moments when we have to let our lion loose. When a situation demands it, it can often be the right move to let that roar out.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  I’ve never been so glad to see my bed in my life. Bay is already snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket. I’m so tempted to flop down next to him, but I’m still wearing a semi-dry jumper over very wet clothes, so I drag my feet over to my bed and start to get changed into something warm. I feel strangely shy around him after what I’ve just told the Warriors.

  ‘Bay . . . can I borrow a thick jumper?’ I ask, cringing as my voice comes out all breathy.

  ‘Sure.’ He goes to his pack and then throws a chunky, woolly sweater to me. ‘I left you something next to your notebook too,’ he says, pointing at my little makeshift bedside table.

  I look over and there’s a travel mug. I pop the lid off and take a sniff. Hot chocolate. It’s official. I’m smitten. Just a moment ago, I felt incredibly lost and lonely and, without even trying, Bay’s managed to hit upon the one thing that’s guaranteed to cheer me up.

  ‘You’re a saint,’ I sigh, sitting on my bed and cradling the warm drink.

  ‘Hope it’s still hot? You were a bit longer than I thought you’d be.’

  ‘Mmm,’ I mumble.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Mmm?’

  ‘Difficult evening? Was it the water? You did really well.’

  ‘I got in,’ I say. I feel a bit like a six-year-old showing off my swimming badge for the first time.

  ‘Good for you!’

  ‘Thanks. And it wasn’t that.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘It was . . . people.’

  ‘Bit of group dynamics come out to bite you?’

  ‘Erm, something like that.’

  ‘Well, if you need to talk . . . I’m always here, you know.’

  I smile at him. ‘Thanks, Bay. I’m okay. I think I just need my bed.’ There’s no way I can tell him about Than. I mean, that’s a sure route to ‘I told you so’ if ever there was one, and right now I could really do without that.

  ‘Not surprised. That’ll be the fresh air, gardening and running around like a lunatic in the rain,’ he laughs.

  I feel a weight land on my feet and look down to see Dennis slinking up next to me for a hug. I snuggle back into the pillows, hot drink in one hand and my other arm wrapped around Dennis’s warm body. He leans his whole weight against me, head lolling on my shoulder. It’s possibly the best cuddle I could have asked for right now.

  ‘Well, looks like whatever’s bothering you, Dennis knows you need some love,’ says Bay. ‘You’d better be careful or you’ll end up sharing that bed again!’

  *

  I wake up the following morning next to a large, snoring mound of dog, and can’t help but smile. Bay’s words to me last night before I drifted off to sleep seem to have come true. He must have covered me up with the blankets and taken the cup out of my hand, as I’ve got absolutely no recollection of doing either.

  ‘Morning, sleepyhead,’ Bay grins over at me as he bounds into the yurt carrying the kettle. ‘Coffee?’

  ‘I’d love one,’ I yawn, ‘but I owe you some treats, you know. All this pampering with coffee and hot chocolate.’

  ‘Ah, I’m sure we’ll figure it out,’ he says, busy pouring the hot water into his cafetière. ‘You look better for a good sleep.’

  ‘I feel better. Thanks for last night. I felt a bit weirded out, you know?’

  ‘I do. And it’s fine, that’s what friends are for.’

  Friends. That word should have my little heart jumping with joy. Instead it has curled up in disappointment. Uh oh.

  Still, I force a smile and take the hot cup of coffee out of his hands as if it’s life-saving nectar.

  ‘Warned you that would happen,’ he says, nodding down at the still snoozing dog.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ I say, hyper aware of my change of tune since I got here. ‘That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages.’

  ‘No nightmares,’ Bay says matter-of-factly.

  ‘No. How did you know?’

  ‘You didn’t do your usual whimpering along with the dawn chorus.’

  Oh. My. God. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I’d been disturbing you!’ I say.

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I’m awake on and off all night.

  ‘You looking forward to Claire’s session this morning?’ I ask just to change the subject.

  ‘Ah, actually I’m going to miss this one. I promised Ted I’d help out again. We need to do some bits in the garden and get some of the outdoor work finished before the baby comes. He’s having to do more with the course than usual as Lizzie’s had to slow down, and he’s starting to fret that he’s going to get behind.’

  ‘But . . . surely it’s not good for you to miss a session?’

  Bay shrugs. ‘I’ve done it plenty of times before. And besides, this is a part of the deal. I get to come here and benefit from the retreat and in return I make sure I do as much as I can to help on the gardens and anything else they need a hand with while I’m here. They’ve done so much for me over the years, it’s the very least I can do.’

  ‘Pfft, but another day in the garden?’ I say, trying to hide my sudden disappointment that Bay’s not going to be around today. ‘I’m tired just thinking about it.’

  ‘Ah, you get used to it,’ he grins at me.

  *

  There’s a big part of me that really wants to skip breakfast this morning. Because I’m a wuss, and the thought of facing Than after what happened last night in the hot tub makes me squirm. But then, that would make me a coward, and I don’t want to make any bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. With any luck, he’ll have shrugged it off.

  Bay comes down to breakfast with me, and Dennis trots along between us. I’m grateful for the company, as it stops me disappearing into my own head and chasing my wo
rries around in circles.

  As it happens, all the worrying is completely in vain anyway. Than is nowhere to be seen. It actually turns out to be a really joyful meal. Everyone else is here, and the party atmosphere from last night seems to have spilled over into the morning. We’re all just starting to tuck in to breakfast when Sam screams ‘snake’ and we all fall about laughing. The look of complete confusion on Ted and Lizzie’s faces just makes matters worse, and my sides start to ache. Messa takes it all in his stride as the tale is told again. I get the feeling that this little anecdote is going to become a bit of a legend here at The Farm.

  *

  We’re all still giggling and chatting as we head off to get started on Claire’s session. As she is one of the gang from last night, there’s a general sense that this morning’s going to be a lot of fun. My heart is light as I follow the others up the stairs into the loft space where we had our welcoming ceremony.

  ‘Okay, gang, pull up the cushions for a minute while I explain what we’re doing today.’

  Like a hoard of eager toddlers, we surge over to the pile of cushions. I grab the end of one just as Emma grabs the other end. I give it an almighty tug, managing to snatch it from her and promptly beat her over the head with it. She snatches up another one, and before I know what’s happening I’m begging for mercy, laughing so hard I can barely breathe as she pummels me over and over again with the supersized pillow. It’s far from a fair fight, though, as Doreen and Moth have both taken their own cushions and have leapt into the fray, all three now focusing on obtaining my surrender.

  We end up in a tangled, squashy heap of cushions and limbs, all four of us laughing and trying to extricate ourselves from the pile.

  ‘All right, you lot, get your behinds over here so that we can start!’ calls Claire, who sounds like she’d actually quite like to join in.

  I sit up only to be met by the look on Than’s face as he walks through the door. The smile drops from my lips the moment I catch sight of his expression. I know I sound like a complete drama queen, but he is looking nothing short of thunderous.

  I quickly look away and drag my cushion over to join the others in the circle, plonking myself down between Messa and Doreen. Suddenly I’m not quite so excited about this session anymore. Than sits down across from me and I feel like he barely takes his eyes off me, though I guess it’s likely that my anxiety-prone brain is just imagining the waves of hostility he’s sending my way.