The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘Okay, so we’re all here. Great!’ says Claire. ‘Lizzie usually takes this session, but as you know, she’s asked me to step in for her this once. Today is going to be all about vocalizing. Now, I know that sounds a bit vague and fluffy, but it’s actually something incredibly powerful. We are all here to deal with things. Emotional blocks, fears and barriers. We’ve started to share what they are with each other, but what we haven’t worked on is saying, out loud, how these things make us feel.’

  Doreen shifts uncomfortably next to me, but this might just be down to the fact that these cushions are really not that supportive.

  ‘I hope we’re now at a point where we all feel that we can place our trust in this group. You have all come to know each other, shared experiences and, from what I saw last night and this morning, have developed a lovely, playful bond. So, it’s time.’ She jumps to her feet in one yoga-honed movement and indicates for the rest of us to join her. We do, much slower and with a lot more groaning involved, which sends another giggle around the room.

  Or, at least, it makes most of us smile. Than is still stony-faced.

  Urgh, is he going to keep this up for the whole day?

  I fold my arms protectively across my chest and look back to Claire. Actually, I don’t much fancy sharing anything today. Not with the group. Well, not with one of the group. How can one person affect the whole dynamic so quickly?

  ‘First things first, I want you all to scream.’

  ‘Scream?’ says Emma.

  ‘Scream. As loud as you can!’

  ‘Snake!’ squeaks Moth.

  Claire grins at her. ‘Exactly, but maybe more like this: SSSNNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEE!’ Claire screams the word using every last ounce of breath. The strength and pitch of her voice is awesome. My teeth get that feeling in them like I’ve just bitten into ice cream, and I wouldn’t be surprised right now if the windows of the barn started to shatter. When she’s done, we break into a spontaneous round of applause and she takes a tiny bow. ‘Now you!’ she says. ‘On three . . .’

  As she counts us in, I suck in a breath, but when it comes to screaming, I let it whoosh out of me with no sound attached. I’m too caught up in listening to the insane cacophony around me. I catch Than’s eye again and feel a bit like I’ve been punched. His arms are crossed, and he is still glaring at me, his mouth firmly closed.

  ‘Okay, great!’ says Claire. ‘But there’s even more in there. Some of you are still holding back, and I know I was completely missing a couple of you just then . . .’

  I could kiss her for not naming and shaming.

  ‘Everyone close your eyes and choose your own words to scream. No one’s going to know what you’re saying. It’ll all mix into one big noise.’

  *

  When I close my eyes, I can still see Than’s glaring face. Right . . .

  ‘Three, two, one . . .’

  ‘PISS! OFF!’ I scream. Over and over and over, until the words lose all sense and shape. Until my breath runs out.

  I open my eyes and suck in another deep breath.

  That. Felt. Amazing.

  My fingertips are tingling and I feel properly, fully awake. I look over at Claire and she nods back at me, a big smile on her face.

  ‘You know how many things your voices can do, how many emotions they can convey. It’s my belief that when we feel an excess of emotion, it can get caught up in our chests. If we don’t let it out somehow, this can just keep building.’

  Claire could be describing one of my panic attacks. I’m so accustomed to the feeling of the build-up in my chest and not knowing how to get control of it before it leads to a meltdown.

  ‘Of course, it’s not just the scream sound we can use to let it out. In a way, you had all started working on this session before we even reached this room. Can anyone tell me how?’

  ‘The laughter!’ says Messa.

  ‘Exactly that. The release of the joyful emotions you are all experiencing here together. So what other common ways do we express emotion by voice?’

  ‘Anger,’ says Geoff.

  ‘Right,’ says Claire, ‘but how does that tend to sound when vocalized at its absolute peak?’

  ‘Shouting. And sometimes screaming, I guess,’ he replies.

  ‘So let’s look at shouting next. Describe how shouting makes you feel . . .’

  ‘Mean?’ says Doreen.

  ‘Maybe after the fact, but what about in the moment?’ prompts Claire.

  Doreen looks confused.

  ‘Forceful?’ I say. I’m imagining words flying out of my mouth towards a target.

  ‘Yes,’ says Claire. ‘Forceful, powerful.’

  ‘And out of control . . .’ says Emma, frowning.

  ‘Shouting can certainly stem from feeling out of control, or lets out so many emotions that it can lead you in that direction, yes,’ agrees Claire. ‘But let’s focus on the power behind it. Take a minute to think of the main issue you want to deal with while you’re here, and what element about that makes you feel angry. It could be a particular person, situation or anything about it. What do you want to take control of?’

  We all look around nervously at each other.

  ‘Okay, I think we need to move for a minute. Take a walk around the space and think about what you want to shout at.’

  I move off, grateful to escape the beam of everyone’s nervous energy. You can feel it in the room now; it has shifted away from self-consciousness to fear – fear that Claire is about to start taking us near the bits that really matter.

  I scoot around the corner of the room and walk in a diagonal path to the other end, head down, avoiding eye contact. What am I angry about? That I lost my mother? That her death weighs me down with guilt every single day? That I’m still grieving for someone I struggled to even like and who had come to hate me in return? I swallow. That she’s still managing to ruin my life even now she’s gone? My heart rate’s climbing and the sound of running water is creeping into my mind.

  I come to an abrupt halt near the centre of the room, bend over for a second and place my hands on my knees.

  ‘Okay, Tori?’ Claire asks quietly.

  I don’t answer. I just take a deep breath in and let it out slowly as I stand up. The roaring water calms back down to a trickle.

  ‘Tori?’ Claire prompts gently.

  I nod. ‘I’m okay.’ I spot Than leaning against the opposite wall watching us.

  ‘Okay, everyone, when you’re ready,’ Claire calls, ‘I want us all in a line, facing the wall,’ she points to the far end of the room.

  Than pushes away from the side and comes to stand next to Claire. As the others join us, the sense of fear builds. Most faces are pale and set. Doreen is chewing her lip. Geoff is looking petrified.

  ‘Now remember, this is a safe space. There is no judgement here.’

  Doreen stands next to me and her hand slips into mine. I give it a gentle squeeze.

  ‘Who wants to go first?’

  Before anyone can move, before there’s even a second to think, Geoff bellows at the wall, ‘I want my wife back!’

  I feel Doreen go stiff beside me. I squeeze her hand again, but this time there’s no response.

  ‘Okay, guys, don’t leave Geoff hanging, who’s next?’

  ‘I never told you I loved you.’ Bob’s the next to hurl his voice across the room.

  ‘None of you really know me!’ Emma yells. I’ve never heard her voice so strong and so loud.

  ‘I’m not ready for this!’ Sam follows her.

  My heart rate is going insane. I have to get this out.

  ‘I’m sick of feeling guilty!’ The words rush through my throat, feeling like they’re tearing their way out, leaving me raw, hurting and shaking.

  Then Doreen’s yelling, and Moth, and Messa.

  ‘Than?’ Claire prompts.

  I glance across at him. He is shaking his head.

  ‘Just yell at the wall. It doesn’t matter what comes out,’ she says.

/>   Than takes a step forward out of the line. He looks like he’s gearing up, and my heart goes out to him. I think he’s got so good at keeping a lid on how he’s feeling, it must be nearly impossible to let it out.

  ‘Than?’ Claire gently prompts again.

  I watch him take in a deep breath. Then he swivels towards us and stares straight at me. In a voice that’s more shocking than any of our shouts, he whispers.

  ‘You’re a fucking liar.’

  Chapter 21

  Control the Controllables

  ‘It is not possible for anyone to completely control their environment. This desire for control, coupled with its inherent impossibility, can lead to anxiety. By refusing to spend energy worrying about aspects we have no influence over, life becomes ours for the taking.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  There is complete silence for a couple of seconds. It’s like everyone is watching this bullet travel towards me in slow motion.

  I catch the blow straight to the chest and stumble back a couple of paces.

  ‘What the hell?’ comes Doreen’s voice.

  Muttering breaks out along the line and everyone breaks ranks, crowding around me.

  ‘Okay, everyone, settle down,’ says Claire.

  But I don’t want to settle down. What the fuck was that? I push my way past the concerned faces grouped around me and take a step towards Than. ‘What is your problem?’

  ‘Tori . . .’ Claire says warningly.

  ‘I can’t take any more of this bullshit,’ Than gestures around at everyone. ‘Oh, look at my problem . . .’ he says, doing a whiny child’s voice.

  ‘Than—’ Claire tries to intervene, but I interrupt her.

  ‘Don’t you dare question anyone else’s feelings just because you don’t understand them,’ I say.

  ‘You of all people have the nerve to say that? You’re a hypocrite. You know it and I know it.’

  I can feel white-hot anger pulsing out of him, and there’s no doubt it’s directed straight at me.

  ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘I’m forbidden to tell anyone, remember? And even I have too much integrity to blab a secret to the group.’

  ‘Okay, Than, that’s enough.’ Claire’s voice cuts across him. He’s now glaring at her, and I can see his chest rising and falling, his anger still building. ‘This is not about Tori or any of the rest of the group. Please don’t mistakenly direct your anger and fear at them.’

  Than turns back to me and I feel the full weight of accusation hit me. ‘My fear?’ he hisses. ‘Seems that even if I can keep a secret, you can’t. Tell lover boy and everyone else everything about me, did you? Well fuck you, Tori.’ He turns on his heel and heads straight out of the room.

  For a second, there’s complete silence.

  ‘Break time, I think,’ says Claire. ‘Can I suggest that you all head back to your separate camps for a while? Go home, decompress and we’ll get together again later.’

  She starts to usher everyone out of the door. We’re all a bit slow to respond. I think everyone’s in shock. I know I am. My legs feel like jelly and navigating my way down the outside steps is quite tricky.

  When I get to the bottom, Geoff, Doreen, Messa and Emma are already waiting for me, but Claire beats them to it.

  ‘Tori, walk with me for a minute,’ she says, giving me no choice but to send a longing look back towards the others as I follow her. It’s pretty clear they’re not going to take up Claire’s suggestion of separate camps.

  She leads me towards the farmhouse but then, to my surprise, lets us in through the side gate and ushers me through to Lizzie and Ted’s private back garden. They’re both there drinking tea in the sunshine. Ted looks hot and sweaty and must have only just got back from his session in the garden with Bay.

  They both look surprised to see us.

  ‘Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Ted, you might need to bring that one-to-one session we discussed last night forward?’

  This means absolutely nothing to me, but it clearly does to the other two. They both look solemn and Ted gets to his feet straight away.

  ‘I’ll just change out of this stuff,’ he says, pulling at the neck of his sweat-soaked T-shirt and hurrying inside.

  ‘Tori, have a seat and wait for me a sec?’ Claire says. ‘Lizzie, can I borrow you for a mo?’

  Lizzie nods and looks surprised, but gets to her feet with difficulty and follows Claire inside the house, rubbing her back as she goes.

  I sit on one of the garden benches against the back wall of the house and stare at a bed of early roses, their buds just about ready to flower fully. It’s quiet here and incredibly beautiful, so why do I feel like I’m sitting outside the head teacher’s office, waiting to be told off?

  I don’t get it. Is Than really so cross about the fact that I didn’t want to kiss him that he decided to give me a public flailing?

  I sigh. I feel like shit. That session was proving to be hard enough as it was without all his crap coming my way too. It feels like he’s trying to punish me for something. Maybe just knowing about his issues is enough to make him resent me.

  ‘Tori, Claire’s asked me to spend a bit of time with you, if you’re up for it?’

  I look up in surprise. It’s Lizzie. I notice she’s still clutching her back, and seems to have quite a lot of trouble manoeuvring herself back into her seat.

  ‘Oh, okay,’ I say. She looks exhausted and far too hot. I guess that’s the reality of being ready to pop at any moment, but still, I feel guilty for disturbing her downtime. ‘Would you be more comfortable inside?’ I ask in concern, watching as she gently rubs her stomach.

  ‘No, no, not at all. Can’t have you disrupting your progress by going in there,’ she says. ‘So, Claire briefly explained what just happened in the session. Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes, fine,’ I reply automatically, then instantly change my mind. ‘Well, no.’

  Lizzie nods but doesn’t say anything.

  ‘I felt really awkward when I came here,’ I say, ‘a different person.’

  ‘A little less than a week ago?’ Lizzie asks gently, placing no weight on the words.

  ‘Yes,’ I say, surprised. I thought Lizzie of all people would be pleased to hear that. ‘A lot has happened and I’ve learned a lot.’

  ‘Of course. But you’re not a different person. Don’t worry, it’s a mistake that’s easily made.’ She winces slightly and shifts her weight in the chair, trying to get comfy.

  ‘So you’re saying the changes aren’t real?’ I’m feeling the prickle of tears. Maybe it’s not just Than who thinks I’m a liar.

  ‘The changes are real, but you’re not a different person. We provide experiences that help you learn about yourself. But the things you learn were already a part of you when you arrived here. So no, you’re not a different person, you’re a person that just happens to recognize more pieces of who you truly are.’

  I nod. I think that makes sense but I’m not sure how it really fits with what just happened with Than.

  ‘Did Claire tell you about Than?’ I ask.

  ‘Than’s behaviour? Yes. It sounds like it stems from a deep, personal fear. He has yet to open up and allow this experience to help him – unlike you, who are already benefitting from it.’

  ‘But this was personal!’ I say.

  ‘Yes. About as personal as it can get. You two became very close, very quickly . . .’

  ‘Oh, you noticed . . .’

  ‘You don’t run a place like this for twenty years and miss out on much of the hot gossip,’ Lizzie laughs, before clutching her bump again.

  ‘Can I get you some water or anything?’ I ask, concerned.

  She waves me away. ‘You and Than were partners in crime for a couple of days, and then you started to discover things about yourself.’

  ‘It was hard not to be drawn to him. He just seemed to really understand me, almost better than I understood myself, you know?’
/>
  ‘But then you started to make other friends here, and I think he’s missing having you all to himself.’

  ‘Hm. Given his behaviour in the hot tub last night, I’m not sure it’s just my other friends he’s worrying about.’

  Now Lizzie looks truly concerned. ‘What happened?’

  ‘He tried to kiss me,’ I say, looking at my feet. I feel incredibly awkward. I didn’t mean for that to come out.

  ‘And you didn’t want that?’

  ‘No. And I told him that,’ I say. I need Lizzie to understand the whole picture though. ‘It’s flattering to have a good-looking guy interested, of course it is. But any feelings I thought I might be experiencing for him . . . I think they were actually just this massive sense of relief. Someone actually wanting to spend time with me.’

  ‘What happened after you turned him down last night?’

  ‘I left.’

  ‘So this morning’s little performance could be all that angry rejection coming out?’

  ‘I guess so. But it felt like it was about more than that, somehow,’ I say. ‘I just didn’t think last night was that big a deal. It was awkward, but I thought he’d get over it.’

  Lizzie gets up slowly and paces along the slate path, walking over to the flower bed and back.

  ‘Can I ask you a personal question?’

  ‘Of course,’ I say.

  ‘Claire said he accused you of telling something to “Lover Boy”. Did he mean Bay?’

  Here comes that bloody blush again. ‘Yes. I think so,’ I mutter.

  ‘Are you and Bay . . . ?’

  ‘No, we’re not.’ I don’t feel the need to mention the moment in the rain. After all, that was probably just me getting thoroughly carried away. ‘Than was saying stuff about Bay last night, before he kissed me. Trying to warn me away from him.’

  ‘He was?’

  ‘Mind you, Bay warned me about Than a couple of days ago too, so I can hardly hold it against him, can I?’