The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘Oh God!’ Lizzie gasps.

  Have I just landed Bay in it? I look up at her in surprise, expecting to be questioned some more. Instead, Lizzie is looking down at a pool of water surrounding her feet, darkening the slates.

  ‘What the . . .’

  ‘Erm, I think my water just broke.’

  ‘What?!’

  ‘It’s fine, don’t panic.’

  ‘Okay. Okay. I’ll go and get Ted!’ I say.

  ‘No. No, he’s gone over to Than.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll go and get Claire?’

  ‘She’s gone for a walk in the woods. Let’s not worry, I’ve got plenty of time to call the midwife. Then when she’s here we can sort out getting Ted back! I don’t understand, I’ve not had any contractions yet . . .’

  ‘Is that normal?’

  ‘No, with Rowan I had contractions for hours before this happened.’

  ‘Rowan. Let me call Rowan . . .’

  ‘She’s out somewhere!’

  ‘There must be someone around?’

  ‘Okay, Tori, deep breaths,’ laughs Lizzie.

  ‘Hey, isn’t that meant to be my line?’

  Suddenly, all the drama from this morning, my worries about Than and what Bay might think, just don’t matter.

  ‘Let’s call that midwife and go from there,’ I say.

  ‘Good pl—’

  The ‘aaaaannn’ part of her last word comes out as a shriek as she clasps her stomach and bends forward, clearly in pain. I’m guessing that this is one of those missing contractions, and it’s going on way longer than I would have guessed.

  Lizzie starts to pant, and I rush to her side, gingerly putting a hand on her back. Finally she straightens up and takes several deep breaths to steady herself.

  ‘Sorry, sorry!’ she says. ‘Look, I’ll go in and make the call and get changed. I’ll be back . . .’ Still holding her stomach, Lizzie disappears through the door.

  I don’t know what to do. I nip back through the gate to have a quick look around the yard, but typically there’s no one to be seen. I can hear the vague murmuring of Lizzie on the telephone inside. I really need Ted. Or Doreen. Or maybe some professionals here right about now!

  ‘TORI!’ The yell of pain from inside the house brings me back to reality, and I rush straight back through to the garden.

  ‘TORI!!’

  Okay, if Lizzie’s calling me from inside the house, this has got to classify as one of those dire emergencies they mentioned when we first arrived. I head straight through the back door and into the kitchen. Lizzie’s on her hands and knees on the floor, and the old phone handset is dangling from its cord.

  ‘What happened?’

  I rush to her and go to help her up, but she shakes her head, breathing hard.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I whisper, ‘you’re okay.’

  ‘This. Is. Too. Fast!’ she breathes.

  I rub her back ineffectually until she breathes easier again.

  ‘Let me help you up,’ I say.

  ‘No. I’ll stay here.’

  ‘Okay. First things first. Midwife?’ I catch up the dangling phone and put it to my ear. There’s no one there, just a dial tone.

  ‘She’s on her way. She’s just finished a visit to someone else. May be a while though.’

  ‘Shit,’ I say, without thinking.

  ‘My thoughts exactly!’

  ‘Look, let’s get you comfy. I’ll grab some pillows and stuff?’

  ‘Our bedroom’s upstairs. End of the hall then to the right.’

  I leg it straight up the stairs and along the hallway, not caring that I sound like a one-woman heard of elephants as I rush to gather things and get back to Lizzie. I don’t want to leave her alone for too long.

  I don’t even take a moment to marvel at their epic, canopied four- poster bed. I just bundle two pillows under one arm, grab a massive bath sheet off a pile on a chair in the corner and, as an afterthought, snag a big, fluffy dressing gown from the back of the door. I hurry back down to the kitchen, dump the whole lot unceremoniously onto the floor and then take the pillows over to Lizzie.

  ‘You’re an angel!’ She smiles. We place one behind her back so that she can lean more comfortably up against the edge of the old dresser. ‘I’ll move in a minute.’

  ‘There’s no . . .’

  I was going to say that there was no rush, but Lizzie’s straining forward again. I crouch down next to her and hold her hand, which she promptly crushes in a vice-like grip.

  ‘Tori, I feel like I need to push!’

  ‘What? Already? But the midwife’s not here yet!’

  She moans.

  ‘Breathe!’ I say. That’s what they all say in films, isn’t it? Lizzie instantly starts doing some weird breathing pattern. Okay, this is ridiculous.

  ‘Phew. Okay. It’s easing off . . .’

  ‘Lizzie, I think I need to call an ambulance,’ I say.

  ‘No, we’ll be fine. The midwife’s on her way.’

  ‘But . . .’

  ‘Tori! What the hell?’ Rowan’s face appears, pale and worried-looking. ‘What was that noise? I heard it from outside . . .’

  ‘That would be your mum,’ I say.

  ‘The baby’s coming, love!’ Lizzie says.

  ‘But . . . where’s Dad?’

  ‘He’s talking to Than, I’m guessing over at the campsite?’ I say.

  ‘Do you want me to run and get him?’

  ‘Please!’ I nod.

  Rowan dashes off, but before I get the chance to say anything else to Lizzie, she’s scooted around so that she’s on all fours and is groaning again. Right, I don’t care what she says, this isn’t normal. I’m calling an ambulance.

  I pick up the phone and dial 999.

  ‘Emergency, which service do you require? Fire, police or ambulance?’

  ‘Ambulance, please,’ I say, my heart hammering. There’s a click on the line. I must be being transferred.

  ‘Ambulance service. What’s your emergency?’

  ‘My friend. She’s gone into labour and there’s no one else here. We’ve called the midwife but things have ramped up rather suddenly. She just said she wants to push!’

  Lizzie promptly gives a bellow of pain.

  The operator quickly takes my details, Lizzie’s name, The Farm’s address and a contact number, which I read off the body of the phone on the wall.

  ‘Has her water broken?’

  ‘Yes. And she’s having really awful contractions.’

  ‘How far apart?’

  ‘Um . . . I don’t know . . . maybe every three to five minutes.’

  ‘Okay, and how long are the contractions?’

  ‘Well, one started just before we connected and it’s only just easing.’

  ‘It sounds like the baby is going to be there very soon. An ambulance is on its way to you. I need you to keep me on the phone while you wait for the midwife or ambulance to arrive.’

  ‘Okay. Can I put you on speaker?’

  ‘Please do.’

  I click a button on the old-fashioned set on the wall and cross my fingers that it’s going to work. ‘Hello, can you still hear me?’

  ‘Yes. I’m still here,’ comes the woman’s calm voice. At least I’m not on my own anymore. ‘Hi, Lizzie, I’m Georgia. I’m just going to talk to you while you’re waiting for some help to arrive, okay.’

  ‘M’kay,’ Lizzie pants.

  ‘Are you somewhere safe?’

  ‘She’s on the kitchen floor on all fours.’

  ‘Lizzie, it sounds like the baby is going to be there soon. Now, Tori, I need you to look around for me. Is there enough space around your friend for the midwife and paramedics to be able to help when they arrive?’

  ‘Yes, plenty,’ I say.

  ‘Okay, good. And is she comfortable?’

  ‘I am,’ says Lizzie. ‘I . . . oooohhhh!’

  Another contraction starts and I can barely hear Georgia’s tinny voice over the handset, but I can
hear she’s counting.

  ‘I need to push!’ yells Lizzie again.

  ‘Lizzie, blow out three short breaths. Did you do that pattern in your classes?’

  Lizzie nods. I’m glad this makes any sense to her, because it’s Greek to me. She starts a strange panting rhythm over and over.

  ‘Tori, I need you to get some towels, and if you can find a bucket or washing-up bowl to have on hand, and some bin liners?’

  I quickly get to my feet. I’ve already got the towel from upstairs. I locate the bin liners and a plastic tub in the cupboard under the kitchen sink and place them on the floor near Lizzie.

  I lay the towel on the floor for her as she sits back down, prop the other cushion behind her back, then fetch the dressing gown from where I dumped it and hold it out to her. She just cuddles it to her.

  ‘Lizzie, love?!’ Ted flies in through the back door with Rowan at his heels. They’re both completely out of breath and must have run all the way back from the campsite.

  ‘Ted?’ Lizzie pants.

  ‘Who’s arrived, Tori?’ Georgia’s voice comes from the phone.

  ‘It’s Ted, the baby’s dad,’ I say.

  ‘Who’s that?’ says Ted, catching hold of Lizzie’s hand and peering around, bewildered.

  ‘It’s Georgia, the 999 operator, on speakerphone,’ I say. ‘She’s going to stay on the line with us until the midwife or ambulance arrives.’

  ‘Ambulance?’ says Rowan, looking freaked.

  ‘The baby’s coming very quickly, Rowan,’ I say.

  ‘Nothing to worry about,’ comes Georgia’s calm voice.

  The scream that comes from Lizzie rather contradicts what Georgia’s saying. Rowan goes pale so I get up and go over to her.

  ‘Can you help me?’

  She nods.

  ‘Find me as many clean towels as possible.’

  ‘Small or large?’

  ‘Both. And then put a full kettle on to boil.’

  ‘Why the kettle?’

  ‘They always do it in films,’ I say.

  Rowan dashes off upstairs.

  ‘Knock knock!’ calls a woman’s voice from the back door.

  ‘Hello?’ I rush over and spot a kindly face peering around the open door.

  ‘Hi, I’m Val, Lizzie’s midwife.’

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ I say, breathing a sigh of relief. ‘She’s over there. And we’ve got Georgia on the phone. I was on my own with Lizzie and she kept wanting to push, so I called 999.’

  ‘Okay. Good. Can you get me towels?’

  ‘Already on their way,’ I say, and hurry off to check on Rowan and leave the people who actually know what they’re doing to get on with it.

  After delivering the towels into a kitchen that seems to be full of the sound of pain, I check if Val needs anything else, and when she shakes her head, I beat a hasty retreat with Rowan at my side. I was aiming for the back garden, but the wailing from inside the house is still way too loud. ‘Fancy coming back to the yurt with me?’ I say.

  ‘Shouldn’t we be doing something?’ Rowan asks, looking desperate.

  ‘We’ve done our bit,’ I smile at her. ‘Your mum and the baby are in safe hands now. Thanks so much for helping!’

  Rowan shrugs, looking scared.

  As we traipse down the yard, an ambulance appears at the bottom of the track. Rowan runs to open the gate for them and, pointing them in the direction of the house, tells them to go straight round to the back door.

  *

  Bay’s sitting outside when we get to the yurt.

  ‘Tori, you okay? I heard—’

  I shake my head quickly to cut him off and say, ‘Lizzie’s gone into labour. Looks like the baby’s nearly here!’

  ‘What? But . . . what?’

  ‘I was with her when it kicked off,’ I say, pointing Rowan into one of the wooden chairs around the cold fire pit. ‘We left her with Ted and the midwife, and the ambulance guys arrived just as we were headed over here.’

  ‘Ambulance?’ he says, looking worried.

  ‘Well, we weren’t sure how long the midwife was going to be, and I needed help, so I called 999,’ I say a tad defensively. ‘She’ll be okay,’ I add gently, turning to Rowan.

  ‘I thought you got more warning than that,’ she says. ‘I heard that Val person say the baby’s coming really soon!’

  I nod. ‘Well, seems your little brother or sister is in a hurry.’ I sit on the bench next to her.

  ‘I’m going to have a brother or sister,’ Rowan says in amazement, and then buries her face in my shoulder and starts to cry. I pause for just a moment and then put my arm around her.

  Chapter 22

  Sometimes ‘No’ Is Enough

  ‘“No” is an important word. Anxiety can make us feel like we’re not allowed to use it. So, instead, we go against our instincts simply because saying “yes” is just more comfortable. Learning to say “no” again can be a powerful game-changer. And you don’t need to use excuses to justify it. Sometimes “no” is enough.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  Val comes to find us about an hour after Rowan and I beat our retreat. After calming Rowan down, Bay and I decided that we’d light a fire and settle in for the afternoon, assuming that things might take a while to work themselves out. As it is, we’ve only just got the wood together, the fire going and the kettle on before our visitor arrives.

  ‘Your mum and dad asked me to come and tell you that it’s a girl. You’ve got a beautiful baby sister,’ Val says kindly to Rowan.

  Rowan starts cheering, I promptly burst into tears, and Bay leaps to his feet and starts doing a little dance next to the fire, unable to keep his bum on the chair.

  Val grins at us. ‘They’ve all gone in the ambulance to the hospital. The baby came so fast that Lizzie needs a few stitches, and that’s best done there. They’ll be able to check baby over too.’

  ‘But she’s okay?’ Rowan asks, looking worried.

  ‘Yes, they’ll both be fine after a little bit of TLC,’ Val reassures her gently.

  ‘Was that normal? How fast everything happened, I mean?’ asks Rowan.

  ‘It’s unusual, but it does happen to about one woman in every two hundred.’

  ‘Trust Mum to be different!’ Rowan says with pride.

  ‘Tea, Val?’ Bay asks, grabbing the kettle.

  ‘Don’t mind if I do!’ she says, and sinks gratefully onto one of the benches.

  *

  Supper tonight has turned into one great big celebration, and it’s like the difficult session we all shared this morning happened in another lifetime. Of course, Ted and Lizzie are missing as they’re still at the hospital, and Bay has taken Rowan in the Land Rover to meet her baby sister.

  Everyone wants to hear the story, and I repeat it several times. They’re treating me like some kind of hero, but in reality, all I did was use the phone. Even so, I feel so bloody proud and grateful. There’s a healthy new baby in the world, and I got to play a tiny part in that.

  ‘Can I talk to you?’ Than asks, coming over to me at the little outdoor kitchen as I’m refilling my cup of elderflower bubbly.

  ‘Erm. Okay,’ I say. I’m suddenly aware of eyes following us. I glance over to the table to find Claire watching us. She raises an eyebrow, and I give her a little nod. I hope she understands this as code for ‘I’m okay, no need for rescue.’ She’s plainly still on alert after this morning’s fiasco.

  ‘Look,’ says Than, ‘I wanted to say sorry.’

  ‘Because you really are sorry, or because Ted told you to?’ I ask, my voice flat.

  ‘Come on, Tori! Because I want to. I wanted to come straight back up those stairs the minute I left the session, but I was in such a state, I wasn’t thinking straight.’

  ‘Why did you do it? I don’t know what I’m meant to have done wrong,’ I say quietly. Maybe I should just accept the apology, but I’m genuinely curious, and there’s something about today’s turn
of events that makes me feel like I’m allowed to ask.

  Than shrugs. ‘I’m not sure.’ He doesn’t meet my eye, and I can’t read the look on his face. ‘But I’m really sorry for what I did. I guess I’ve got a lot more to work out than I realized.’

  ‘I’ve only ever been on your side, Than. What you did this morning was really shitty. I do understand that you’ve got a lot to deal with—’ I look at him, and he goes to say something, but I cut him off with my hand raised. ‘I do, I get it. But we’re all vulnerable; that’s why we’re here. We’re all working through something. But . . . that doesn’t give any of us the right to behave like you did this morning,’ I peter off. I know what I want to say, but it feels so alien to speak my mind that it’s coming out a bit jumbled.

  ‘Last night was difficult for me and, I don’t know . . . I just . . .’ Than lets out a huge sigh. ‘Look, it was a mistake.’

  I shrug. This just isn’t important anymore. ‘Okay, let’s just move on,’ I say. ‘Bubbly?’ I ask, offering him a cup.

  Than takes it, takes a sip and looks at the ground. I can’t help but do an inward sigh. I was enjoying this evening, but now I feel like I have some kind of responsibility to pull Than out of the slump he’s in.

  ‘Would you like to come for a walk?’ Than asks, looking up at me.

  I want to grind my teeth a little bit when I spot a hint of his usual smile is back in place. I may have said we could ‘move on’, but I’m not a complete sap. I know that there was more to this morning’s outburst than Than struggling with what happened – or didn’t happen last night.

  ‘Thanks, Than, but I want to stay here and celebrate with everyone,’ I say, keeping my voice as light as possible.

  ‘I could just use a friend right now. Someone who knows what I’m dealing with,’ he says, and the wobble that’s suddenly back in his voice is clearly designed to undo my resolve.

  I shake my head. ‘I can’t tonight. I’m tired and a bit wobbly myself after everything. Why don’t you ask if Russ or Claire have a bit of time free?’

  Than makes a snorting sound, and my irritation towards him turns into full-blown annoyance.

  ‘They just won’t get it like you do,’ says Than, and now he sounds like a stroppy teen.

  ‘Well, it’s their job, so I’d say they’d be a better bet than me this evening!’ I say. I want to rejoin the group. Now. I’ve had enough of whatever game he’s playing.