Soul Remembered (Soul Series Book 2)

by Laura Winter

  “Nate, please don’t give up on me.”

  “Never.”

  So we stood there, making out in the middle of a summer day, dripping sweat in our sweat suits. We were boiling, but it wasn’t just the heat of the day. Finnley wanted to remember, and I wanted all of her back, so there was no way either of us were going to be the first to let go.

  Don’t Give Up On Me. RIVVERS.

  42

  Finnley

  My mom took the couch for the next week, offering her bed for Madeline and I to share. For some reason, Nate was sleeping in my room. I was surprised at first when my mom and his parents were so adamant about him staying over, but after reading their thoughts, I realized how much was actually missing from my head. Apparently my nightmares still haunted Clara, and she had a tendency to destroy things like I used to with my headaches. Still, I was surprised House hadn’t made a new room. Jeanie had assured me he would change based on what I needed. Well, I needed a new bed for my mom, but House refused to make one.

  I still didn’t have everything in my head about Clara and Nate and I was getting more frustrated. I could remember our first kiss, I could remember pulling him out of science the next morning, and I could remember fighting with him. It was the same loneliness I felt at the psych ward when I was overflowing with drugs. It was horrible, but we had made it through that month. That’s when he told me he loved me, and that’s when the memories stopped.

  The Blue Soul connection had helped break down some of the walls Jackson had put up around my head. I could feel them inside my mind, but every time I tried to break them down myself, searing pain would shoot through my body. It was less painful to get them back when I could feel the connection with Nate, but it wasn’t coming back as fast as I wanted.

  Madeline shifted next to me as I slid out of bed. I wasn’t going to fall asleep any time soon and I didn’t want to bother her. I thought about getting food out of the kitchen, but remembered that I’d just bother my mom who was sleeping on the couch. I groaned, my stomach mimicking the noise. After not eating for who knows how long inside that psych ward, my body was trying to make up for lost food.

  I moved toward the library. They had said Clara used to spend a lot of time in there. If she was anything like me, I know she would have hidden snacks inside there somewhere. I moved toward the door, but smacked into something. Strange, it wasn’t really dark enough for me to not have noticed walking into a wall, but I realized there wasn’t anything in front of me. The library door was still a few feet ahead, but I reached forward and hit something solid again.

  “House? Is that you?” I whispered into the hallway. I felt a cool breeze rush across my face.

  I groaned. “Please, I’m hungry. I know Clara stashed some snacks somewhere in there, and I don’t want to bother my mom.”

  I heard a quiet creak behind me and I turned. The gap under my old bedroom was leaking light into the hallway. Nate was awake too, even though it was almost two in the morning.

  My legs started moving forward despite my brain not telling them to move. I hadn’t been able to remember anything else since the first day we got back, and I could see it taking a toll on Nate every time he saw me. I tried to avoid him as much as I could now.

  I stood outside the door, holding my hand up to knock, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see his face and how sad he was to see me not remember him. I was about to give up and just go back to bed when House knocked for me. The door opened slightly, just enough to let me know it was okay to go in.

  Nate was sitting on my side of the bed, flipping through my old copy of The Magicians. I hadn’t seen that thing in forever. Well, since that night I ran away.

  “Have you read it before?” I asked, closing the door to lean against it.

  He looked up and smiled, an actual happy smile this time. “Yeah, you made me. And you’re right… it was worth it,” he said, setting it back on the nightstand. He looked closer at the clock. “Why are you awake right now?”

  I shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep and I was hungry. I thought about getting food, but I didn’t want to wake my mom up. Then I saw your light was on.”

  “What do you want to eat?” He asked, standing up. He waited for me to answer.

  “I don’t know, chocolate?” I said, biting my lip.

  He just smiled that happy smile again. “All things chocolate, coming up.” Nate slid into a shadow as I watched him move out the door.

  It was kind of cool to see everyone use their powers. For me, I was seeing them for the first time. I could experience that excitement again. But I could see how hard it was for everyone to be around me. They were all so sad, but they tried to hide it. As crazy, drugged up Finnley would have said, their thoughts betrayed their faces.

  I shuffled over and sat on the edge of my bed, thinking about how absolutely insane I had become inside that psych ward. I mean, I was crazy before from the voices, but this took it to the next level. The words that spilled out of my mouth, the things I did, the thoughts I held in my head… all of those things were still with me. Did that make me still somewhat insane? Even if it was forced out of me, I still lived through all of that. Nate had to remember all those things about me too.

  His shadow crawled back through the door and he popped up next to the bed, dumping an armful of every chocolate snack from the kitchen I could imagine onto the bed.

  “You brought me the entire pantry,” I said, raising an eyebrow. Nate pulled the desk chair over to sit in front of me. He was trying to be a gentleman, I think, by not assuming he could sit on the bed with me.

  He blocked his thoughts from me as I dug into a pack of cookies. “I said I’d get you all things chocolate. I meant all of it.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, pulling my legs up to my chest.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked, pulling his legs up too. I liked when he did that. It reminded me of how kind he had been inside the crazy house. He hadn’t known better, and he thought I had lost my mind, yet he was still wanting to be my friend.

  “They, our parents, let you stay in House. I know I used to have nightmares, but I don’t understand exactly what happened.” I moved on to the chocolate covered pretzels, watching the frown grow on Nate’s face.

  “You remember when we were super drugged out and you started to have a panic attack?” I nodded and he continued. “Well, that was happening during your nightmares, but they resulted in outbursts like you used to have with the voices and headaches. When I was closer, you felt better, and I was able to keep you from destroying anything.”

  I sighed. “Being legitimately crazy for two months actually put a lot of things in perspective. I was always afraid of sleeping, and not just because my dad would kill me. It was when I was weakest, and I was terrified that something would happen when I couldn’t fight back.”

  Nate was quiet. I don’t know what exactly he could say to that so I kept talking.

  “I guess that’s why I wanted you around too. That’s why our parents let you stay. They were worried about me because I was unstable…” I pushed the rest of the food into a pile before looking back up at him. “Did it work?”

  He nodded, biting his lip.

  I frowned. “And that’s why they don’t want you to leave now. I’m still unstable.” My heart caught, remembering what I was capable of during my outbursts. “Did I hurt anyone because of it?”

  “Just your desk a few times,” he chuckled.

  I felt my shoulders relax. I didn’t want to think that I could have hurt Madeline when she was sleeping next to me.

  “Sorry, House,” I whispered. House purred around me, but then I fixed my eyes on Nate. “That makes me look like I’m still crazy, doesn’t it?”

  Nate was still smiling. “No, you always did that. I do it too. He really does look out for you, even if you don’t realize what he’s doing at the time.”

  That actually made more sense. House hadn’t made a new bed for my mom because he didn’t want me stay
ing in her room. He wanted me staying in my room with Nate. That’s why he pushed me here tonight too. I got food and a place to sleep.

  “Nate,” I said, hesitating. I didn’t know the right words to say in this situation. “I’ve been avoiding you.”

  He scrunched his nose. “I’ve noticed.”

  “It’s just… I’m so confused. I don’t know how to explain it,” I said, frowning. “How did you and Clara talk about the tough stuff?”

  Nate flashed a smile. “You used to play music for us when you were trying to sort through your emotions.”

  He handed his phone forward so I could scroll through his songs. The playlist was almost identical to mine. Did he have all these songs because of me? I found the one I was looking for.

  Save Me. Noah Kahan.

  I watched his reactions closely since he was still blocking me out of his thoughts. As much as I wanted to understand what he saw in me, I was a different person now. I wasn’t Clara.

  Nate lowered his head as the song finished, still sitting in silence. He felt just as conflicted as I did, and I was making it all worse by being here and reminding him of who I used to be.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re tired,” I said, standing up. “I can go.”

  It was heartbreaking to say those words, but I was already putting him through so much. I picked up all the food I hadn’t eaten and set it on the desk before turning to the door. Nate reached out and held my hand before I could get any further.

  “Wait, please don’t go.”

  Nate’s voice echoed around me as I found myself creeping up a ramp. I was following his voice, but it wasn’t what he was saying. It was what he was thinking. I timed my approach to a corner, and as soon as Nate turned, I threw my body into his and pressed him into the wall, kissing him hard.

  Just as quickly, I was laughing and running away from him… but I ran straight into Aidan. This version of me was afraid of him, but she had no idea what he was really capable of; what he had done to me for years. Nate pulled me into the alley before Aidan could hurt me. But when Aidan showed up again, I let the voices help me, using them to throw Aidan away as he tried to attack us.

  Unsurprisingly, the voices didn’t give up after that, digging into my head and forcing me to take it further. They wanted me to kill everyone around, and I easily could have. The buildings would have turned to dust under my strength. The waves were growing, swallowing me, but soon Nate’s touch pulled them away. He saved me by emptying my head.

  His hand was still in mine as he pulled me closer.

  “Please don’t go.”

  “Finnley?”

  Nate was standing in front of me now. I blinked and refocused.

  “You saved me from Aidan. You told me we killed him, but it was more than that. You saved me from him.” I tightened my grip on his hand.

  “His powers didn’t work on me, and I could keep them from affecting you by connecting our scars,” he said. I could tell he was confused since he had already explained this once.

  “That’s not what I mean. It didn’t hit me until I just saw the memory. The fear that Clara felt was nowhere near what I felt when I was with him. I remember that fear, but Clara couldn’t. He…” I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to relive any of my own memories of Aidan. Clara had been so lucky to not know what he could really do; the real torture he was capable of.

  “I’m sorry,” Nate whispered.

  I didn’t have to open my eyes or read his mind to know he wanted to reach out and hold me. I could hear it in his words. And now he had just learned there was a lot more fear behind Aidan than he knew too. Just briefly, I could feel his thoughts fill with doubt. Nate was afraid he would do something to hurt me, just like Aidan.

  “Nate, you aren’t him. You are nothing like him. Aidan is gone, for real this time, and I never have to worry about him coming for me.”

  I leaned into his chest, finding his other hand so I could wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to hold me, and I wanted him to know how much I cared about him too.

  “I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “I will always do everything I can to protect you.”

  “I will always do the same,” I replied, not ready to leave his arms. “Do you think I could stay here with you tonight?”

  I could feel his heart skip a beat with mine. I just wanted to wake up in his arms. I felt horrible that the last time I was in the same bed as him I was still trying to recover from my drugged insanity. This feeling, when I was aware and not crazy, was what I wanted to share with him.

  “Of course you can,” he answered, sliding across the bed to let me take my side again. He stayed facing me, but didn’t get too close as I crawled under the covers. It was like he was worried I wouldn’t want him close.

  I reached up and held my palm to his cheek. “Nate, you aren’t a stranger to me. My mind is coming back. I know it’s slow, and I know I’m still not ready to say those words back, but I still care about you. I’m not afraid of you, or us. I might need time, but I still want to be with you.”

  He frowned. “I don’t want to push a boundary you aren’t ready to cross. If I say something wrong, or if you haven’t gotten there with your memory, I’m afraid I’ll drive you away.”

  I smiled, knowing how much he cared, and rolled into his arms. He tightened his grip on my hips as he sighed. That buzzing feeling was filling my body, and I’m sure he was just as happy as I was about it.

  “I don’t think it’s possible to be driven away when our touch feels like this.”

  I flicked my fingers to turn off the light.

  43

  Nate

  I felt Finnley move in my arms, waking me up from a slightly embarrassing dream. Embarrassing in that I was recalling the morning we woke up healed after the Cold Souls escaped. Then I flashed to pushing her against the building to make out, distracting her and making my parents uncomfortable so we could sneak away. Finally, she was sneaking into my bedroom window on my birthday before we ran away to the treehouse.

  Finnley pressed her lips into mine and I was fully awake now. Her hands were sliding around my back, pulling my shirt over my head before I realized what she was doing.

  Wait, are you sure? I had tried to speak, but I couldn’t get a breath in between her kisses. I was also seriously distracted.

  Your dreams helped me remember more. She slid more of her body into mine. Great, she was seeing what I was dreaming about. I could feel her smile as her lips moved down my neck.

  Her movements were different this time. She didn’t roll on top of me, but was waiting for me to take over. As I leaned over her and slid her shirt over her head, she didn’t flinch. Her scars were visible, but she didn’t have any hesitation about her stomach. I could feel her thoughts now that she was distracted, but she wasn’t thinking about her scars.

  I wanted her to be with me, but I had to stop. She felt my hesitation and pulled away.

  “I did something wrong, didn’t I?” Finnley asked, swallowing hard.

  “No, it’s just… you don’t remember this part, do you? Of being with me like this?” I asked, sitting back as her shoulders slumped.

  “No.”

  I felt my heart catch. I knew what that meant. “So the last time you… you only remember with Aidan.”

  I saw the pain flash across her face.

  “I was so close, I know I was. I just wanted to remember this, but I did it wrong. I’m sorry,” she sighed.

  Finnley wiggled and I realized I was still sitting on top of her. I rolled off and she sat up, pulling her knees into her chest.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she repeated to herself.

  I reached out to keep her from rocking. “Stop. You did nothing wrong. It’s hard, yes, to realize you don’t know about us, but it isn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have kept going.”

  “It isn’t your fault either. It’s Jackson’s,” she growled. Just like that, her cold voice brought me back to reality. “I’m going to end him. If
he ever crosses our path again, I’m going to make him pay for this.”

  It wasn’t just her voice that was harsh. I could see it burn in her eyes. There was no more fear of what he had done to her, it was just hate. I knew the look because I had it on my face too.

  “He’s not going to just casually run into us some day. He knows better than to cross us. I’m not sure if we’ll ever see him again, now that he knows I wasn’t messing around. I should have just killed him when I had the chance,” I hissed, my hands tightening into fists.

  Finnley, the fiery girl that was still alive when she was Clara, suddenly disappeared. Now she was the one concerned about me. Her voice softened. “You thought he would give me back to myself.”