Footprints

by Nicky Jayne

  Wiping my eyes, I try to make myself presentable. For what end, I don’t know. I can only imagine what I look like. I try to brush off the excess flour that clings to my jeans. His voice gets closer and a sob catches in my throat. My racing heart has my pulse beating like a drum under my skin. Wiping my eyes, I frantically search for some sort of escape. My eyes roam around the room and spy the back door only feet away from me. The muffled voices that were so fogged up are now clearer. I can’t let him see me like this.

  In a matter of minutes, everything I have tried so hard to escape has come crashing down in my life. I can’t let him see me this way, he can’t see that he’s affected me so deeply.

  I hold my body tight and walk into the cold air. It stings the moist skin on my face as it nips away at me. If I’d known that I needed to make a quick escape I would’ve driven, but no, I wanted to walk and enjoy the late fall air around me. Watch the remaining leaves fall from the trees.

  Leaning my frazzled body up against the wall, I bide my time, hoping that they’ll quit searching for me. Marcie’s voice rings through, as does the deep, panicked voice of Tanner. I stop and question myself. My reaction’s completely uncalled for, but the reasons for it are justified.

  The door swings open wide, so of course I panic and run down the thin alleyway. My lungs scream, but I just run faster. Never looking behind me, faces become a blur while they pass by. I mean to head towards my dorm, but my feet lead me elsewhere.

  A tall metal-chained gate stops me dead in my tracks, leaving me searching my bag for my key ring, in hopes that I brought it with me. My fingers stumble, losing grip on the smallest of things. Yanking the bag from my shoulder and over my head, I throw it to the ground and the contents spread everywhere, like debris. Fumbling through, I can feel my temper rise when I can’t find my keys. I search the horizon looking for anyone that may be following me or watching me. I’m like a heated bull right now. The tension, the stress and the loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and there’s only one thing that I know of right now that would help relieve this.

  The cold bite of my keys lock into my hand and draws my attention to a small key pass is attached to my key-ring. We moved dad’s truck into the storage facility a few years back, when mom and I couldn’t bear to part with it. Well let’s be honest, I couldn't, but I also didn't want it out and about for everyday use.

  This right here is my stress reliever. This right here is where I come to remember him. The indentations of his hands on the steering wheel, the old air freshener tree that hangs from the mirror. One of my first shoes that had become sun bleached over the years. Small things, some insignificant things that remind me of him. I don’t need a shrine, I don’t need a wall of pictures. I just need his truck.

  Walking with purpose, I countdown the units until I stood in front of the sun-dried red door. I place my hand on the door, and the cold metal shocks my hand.

  “I love you, daddy,” I whisper.

  Holding the old rusted lock in my hand, I think that I really must change this thing. It won’t be long before I won’t be able to get the key in it. The lock thankfully clicks beneath my fingers and I lift the door while a cloud of dust flows out of the unit, swirling around on the ground in the wind.

  I stand and look at the old thing and picture him sitting in the front seat. Cap turned backwards, while he smiles and pulls faces at me in the passenger seat. My fingers run gracefully over the hood, leaving finger trails in the dust. It’s been a while since I’ve came here. I haven’t needed to in a long time. The once brilliant blue is now more of an over washed jean color, the seats desperately needing to be reupholstered.

  No one’s touched the truck for years and sitting has taken its toll, but it’s his. Everything about this screams my dad. I walk around checking the tires and kick the back rear one. It’s given me a hassle in the past, so I need to make sure the pressure is right. It seems solid enough for now. Just being close to the truck warms my heart, memories flood back flushing through my head like waves on the sandy beach. An idea comes to me and I know where I’ll go. As much as I need to run amuck, expel this pent up emotion, I need to calm down, too.

  Pulling the stiff door open, I jump up into the truck. The seat squeaks a little when I sit down. My hands roam over the dash, wiping away the dust that’s formed in the last couple of years. A pang of guilt suddenly bites at me and I realize that I’ve neglected this truck and in a way, my dad. I’d found a replacement truck, one that I totally got my ass chewed for the other week, but a replacement none the less. I found something bigger, brighter, with more power, something to drive me along and give me a rush.

  Turing the key, she starts with a jump. Her old engine stutters and spurts, clicking noses come from everywhere. She shimmy's and she shakes while I pump her accelerator. All I need to do is warm her up and she will be right as rain. I wait for her to purr, but it doesn’t come. She still sputters and strains. Shifting her into first gear, she takes off slowly. The old girl is worn, tired and old, but she represents everything I love so very much and everything I’ve lost.

  The tears fall freely while I drive the miles towards the beach. I think back to the day when he left us. Left me. I think back to the day they came to my home and ruined my life. Watching them lower him into the ground, draped in all the colors he loved so much. Sometimes, I wish it would’ve happened when I was younger. I knew him, I knew what he was about. I don’t have an idea or an ideal of him. No, I had the real thing. I felt his breath when he kissed me goodnight. I felt the warmth of his strong arms when he held me close and heard his voice as he spoke I love you into my ear. I felt his heart beat in his chest, filling my little body with butterflies.

  The miles have passed so quickly. I pull the old girl into a parking spot. The waves chop and dance before me, the wind blows the long grass that lines the parking lot. The clouds are pushing along the murky sky, blocking out the sun. As I draw closer to the sand, the white grains grab my attention. No matter how dark the sky is, this beach illuminates and brightens everything around it. It’s truly beautiful.

  The beach and I are old friends. I’ve spent many an hour sitting here, wiping the tears from my eyes as they fell, but when I look out into the horizon, I swear I can see the spot where the clouds meet the ocean and I pray desperately, that he’s looking down at me, keeping an eye out for me. I’ve watched before as the sunsets came and went. I’ve wept as the clouds turn from white to dark and I could no longer see that place. As with everything, time’s faded it too. I look back at the truck before I take my first step down on to the sand below. She glistens in the sunlight, but only slightly. The warmth is no longer here, the color has faded and the life has dwindled.

  Slipping my shoes off, sinking my feet into the cold sand below me, I shiver when a cold burst catches me off guard. The closer I walk towards the water, the colder the air gets. The wind’s picking up the spray from the crashing waves, which coats my skin like a thin layer of rain. It’s cold, but also so refreshing.

  Stopping just feet from the water, I lower my body to the ground and lift my knees up to my chin wrapping my arms around them, trying to fight off the cold. Not that it’d do much good, while I stare long and hard at the sun before it disappears behind the clouds.

  Time passes with ease, and yet I sit. Running my cold hands through the even colder sand thinking of how life once was and how I wish it could be. Dreams, memories and thoughts fly through my head like kites in the wind. I see my dad’s face, I speak to him. He doesn't respond, he just smiles and keeps walking on. My mom comes to me and she’s happy. Happier than I’ve seen her in years. I wonder what could’ve made her smile so brightly. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her smile like that and I miss her warmth. I miss the pieces of my mother that I lost along with my father. My frozen hand reaches out into the cold breeze, trying to grasp the figure standing before me smiling away, but just like my dad did, she melts in the clouds.

  I feel so defeated, that I lay
back down into the cold, damp sand. My arms fly in the air and my legs lock together, as I search the clouds above for them. Closing my eyes, a small laugh catches me and I search my memory for the source. Right there, under that yellow tree, are two sets of feet. One kicking up in the air, making the blossoms fall to the floor like snow. A deep voice echoes through me, while I watch them move. A small child and a grown man move into the distance, hands clasped tight. Her hair flying away in the breeze.

  The figures move away, but the voice still calls my name. I can hear it clearly. The sound is familiar, and it makes me smile. I open my eyes slowly to see the sun has beat its way through the endless clouds and is now raining down on my face. Then suddenly, before my eyes completely focus, the sun is blocked, blinded by a face.

  I sit up with a start, jumping back a step or two. Rubbing my eyes, I try and clear the dancing rainbows.

  “Riley?” his voice calls softly. So much so, that my name flows effortlessly off his tongue.

  I’m shocked, no stunned that he’s here. How’d he know where I was? No one followed me. Well, at least I thought they didn't and I’ve been here for hours, so unless he sat and waited for me, he must’ve just got here.

  “Tanner,” I whisper. Turning my head towards him, he takes a seat beside me.

  I want to move away from him. I should be outraged that he’s so close to me, but I’m not. I just sit, staring at him as if he’s not real. My fingers itch to reach for him, but my brain tells me that it’s not a wise move. Like before, my body reacts to him, his smile melting me from within.

  Turning back, I check the parking lot for any other random visitors. My eyes fall once more on the old truck that sits there, loved beyond belief and yet beaten and torn. She reminds me of someone. Me.

  No matter the walls I build around myself, I am loved, but I’m also beaten and torn. My life has been one big roller coaster. So many ups and downs, so many twists and turns, but no matter what I’ve always put on a brave face and smiled at the damn camera. Regardless of how many flips and turns we take, the ending is always the same. No matter how much I try and fix the life that has been handed to me, I cant. I can’t stop what happened any more than I can halt the roller coaster when it’s in the middle of a turn. The only thing that I can do, is look to the future and try my best to get through. My mind wanders, it’s on over-drive, the internal battles and all these new reactions are making me nauseous.

  His voice breaks me from my endless stare. His hand upon mine’s warm and safe, but with this warmth, there comes risks. I’m not ready for those yet. The image of his bag comes back to me like a Polaroid. I gasp and his hand moves further into mine gripping my fingers. As though he’s trying to pull me from something.

  “Riley, please, talk to me?” his eyes plead with me for answers.

  I could lie and pass him off, like I’ve done so well in the past with others, but looking at him, I can see the emotion that’s rolling off him.

  I have so many words, but I can’t seem to articulate any of them. I just stare at him, my eyes burning into his. They seek answers…they seek the truth, but so far, their quest is unsuccessful.

  I feel his hand against my face and lower my head, breaking eye-contact. It’s then that I realize that he’s still dressed in uniform. This time my body does jump back. He’s still leaving.

  “When?” It’s all I can say.

  His eyes move from mine, giving me an opportunity to search his face.

  My reaction to him is puzzling. When he looks at me, I feel safe, I don't feel so lost. How can this be? We don’t know each other and I still need answers from him. I’m holding onto something when it comes to him I’m just not sure what it is.

  Somewhere, deep down he reminds me a little of my dad.

  I stare at him until he answers.

  “Tomorrow.”

  I can’t take the shock and feel sick the minute the word leaves his mouth. Our connection’s a strange one and I wonder how I could’ve fallen for someone so quickly, but I know now that this could never work. Regardless of whatever my body tells me. He’s leaving me tomorrow, for how long, I don’t know. His eyes search mine while he waits for me to respond, but I don’t have one for him.

  I want to reach for him, I want to hold him close and ask him a thousand questions, but they all drift from my mind like the tide.

  Just as the sun burst through the clouds in the morning, I begin to ramble. The words that once hid themselves from me, flow softly out of my mouth.

  “Where will you go? Will I see you again?” I sound so desperate, but regardless of how strange this connection is between us, I feel something for him. I’m just not sure what it is. The one thing that’s become clear to me over the last few hours, is that I can’t fight this anymore. I can’t go on living my life sheltered, no one, especially my dad would want me to be this way. Pushing the air from my lungs, I go in search of more words, but the bleeding eyes that stare at me, stop me. Could he feel the same way?

  Before I can say another word, he stops me and speaks. The sound of his voice warms me from the inside. His gorgeous eyes burn deep into me just like always. His voice echoes through my ears, like angels singing on the clouds and a warm feeling spreads throughout me. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. It’s like his hands have hold of my heart, reviving me from the grief that I’ve lived behind for so long.

  “I’m sorry, Riley. I should’ve told you. I should’ve said something. I have so much, so very much to apologize for, but I just don’t know how. This feels so wrong, but it also feels so right. I feel something between us, but Riley…” he stops and I can see the fear in his eyes as I search them. I squeeze his hand once more, gently pushing him to continue. “I’m broken, Riley. In my life, with my job, I can’t feel like this. I can’t love you. I don’t have the strength to love you.”

  The words leaves his mouth, and my heart jumps into my throat. Am I reading too much into this, or did he just say he loved me? Well, no he didn't say it in so many words. He said he doesn't have what it takes to love me, but how could that be? How could he even think that, so early on? We aren't even together! We’ve had a brief encounter, we shared one horrific, mournful day together, so how could he?

  Over and over, my mind races.

  “You can’t what?” I ask shyly, trying to make sense of it.

  He doesn't say anything, but moves closer. I feel him, the heat from his body and my heart races like a jack rabbit. His face moves to mine and then it happens, his lips reach mine. He doesn't pull back and neither do I. We just sit there, lips locked together, soaking each other in. He shifts, pressing me to him more tightly and I feel his tongue as it swipes across my lips. A low moan comes from me to let him know to kiss me further.

  Just as when we first met the skies crack, and lightning flashes above us, but we don’t let go. Our bodies become more comfortable with each other, they pair as if they’re meant for each other. His body is warm and strong. I can feel his longing, I can feel the emotion that he’s expelling through this kiss.

  The skies break, rain falling down around us. While we slowly pull away, our heads meet in the middle and our eyes are locked in. I can feel his breath and he tries to catch it. I can feel his heart pounding in his chest with every pump of his pulse.

  “We should go,” he says.

  “No,” I snap.

  Why would I want to leave here? If I leave here, I leave him. Will I ever see him again? Will a kiss like that happen again? I sure hope so, but the look in his eye dashes my thoughts. He told me he’s broken, but so am I. Why can’t we be broken together?

  “Riley, I have to go and see Elli and Dad before I leave. I’m sorry, I just couldn't leave things the way I did the last time. I needed you to know I have thought of you, but you need to understand, I’m not the man for you.”

  He gets up, but my hand is still linked with his. My grip tightens when he pulls his body away from mine.

  “Tanner, please,” I beg.


  His head drops to the floor, his grip never loosens from mine. Deep down, He knows I’m as broken as he.

  “I don’t need your pity, Tanner.”

  The words burn as they leave my lips. Never has he given me any reason to think that’s why he came, but again, I’m reminded by my inner self that we don’t know each other.

  His head snaps back towards mine and I regret the very words that just came out of my mouth. I don’t expect him to say anything, let alone fall to his knees and grab me from the sand, but he does. He lifts me tight to his body and kisses me once more. This time there’s more passion, this isn’t a farewell kiss. This is something else.

  My body slinks to the sand when he releases me. Without another word, he gets up and walks away. I watch him go, never looking back, never faltering. The further he walks away from me, the harder it is for me to see his reaction. Until the sound of his truck starting shoots a pain through my heart.

  He meant it. He doesn’t want this-whatever this is. Just like the memories in the clouds, he’s vanished. Did I imagine everything? Reaching for my lips, running my finger across them and feeling the swell and the warmth of the blood rushing through them, I know it wasn’t.

  The rain hasn’t let up and I’m sitting in the middle of the beach, soaking wet. Pushing myself up from the sand, I can’t help but smile as I think of the time we first met. We were just as wet then as I am now. So much has changed since then. Only little things mind you, but enough to make me want to change.

  Reaching the truck, I pull the door open, jumping in out of the rain, but I don’t start it. Instead I sit and take in the interior. Every so often, a flash of me as little girl in the passenger seat will cross my mind. I was once that little girl, who wanted nothing more than her father’s love and I had it. I never lost. He may not be here, but he is always with me, one way or another. I’ve been so wrapped up in his memory and all the bad things that came with his life, that I never gave myself a chance. I never gave that boy a chance. He says he’s broken, but dammit we all are.