Footprints

by Nicky Jayne

  Reaching for my cell, I dial her number, wanting to hear her voice. I’ve been sheltered for so long. I feel like I’ve brought her down with me. Have I given her the chance to move on?

  The call clicks over, there is some shuffling while she brings the phone to her ear.

  “Mom?” I ask.

  “Riley, are you alright? Marcie called, she’s worried about you,” her hesitance to ask the question is plain in her voice.

  “I’m okay, Mom. Just sitting at the beach,” I brush my fingers over the fabric seats.

  She doesn't answer straight away, but the loud sigh coming through the phone tells me all I need to know.

  “I love you, Mom!’ I declare.

  It doesn't take much before her tears begin to fall. I can hear them drop, as she struggles to answer.

  “Mom, I’ll be over in a little bit. I have somewhere to be first, okay?”

  “Uh huh,” she says, before I end the call.

  Turning the key, I wait for the purr, but again it doesn't come. I have to make a decision here and soon, but I need some guidance. I need some help and there’s only one person who can do that for me.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Tanner

  With each mile that passes, I get closer to my family home. Dammit, Tanner how could you be so damn callous? I left her there, sitting on the beach. I took her into my arms, I kissed her like my life depended on it and then I left. When I sank my lips into hers I could feel that zing of attraction. No, it wasn’t attraction it was lust, I lie to myself. My feelings for her have become overwhelming.

  I spoke the truth, I am broken and she doesn’t need to be around someone like me. Not yet anyway, but honestly, how do I know that? I haven’t even tried. I never gave us a chance. I forced myself into her life, whether she wanted it or not. Just like she’s found her way into mine.

  Eloise moved from her dorm shortly after dad was released from hospital, but I always made an excuse to go to the dorm, hoping, praying even that I’d get a glimpse of her. I stood outside her door, hoping that she’d feel my presence and open it. There’re so many things I want to say to her. There are so many things that I want to do with her, but I am lost I don’t have the capability to do so. Or so I keep telling myself.

  Frustration seeps through my veins, the closer I get to the house.

  DAMMIT.

  Slamming my foot on the brake I flip the car around and haul ass down the street. I can’t leave things this way. She’s found her way into my head and no matter how much I try, I can’t get her out of it. This can’t end this way. I will be back, I will be free. No matter how much I try to pull myself away from her, I can’t. I’m more than just attracted to her, my heart beats a whole new speed when I’m around her. I wonder if I affect her the way she affects me.

  The speedometer flies up when I push the accelerator. The weather’s changed, no more rain, just beating sunshine, even though it’s cold as hell. I can feel the small warmth from the rays beating down on me. I’m agitated, so nothing is moving as fast as it should. I want to get to her now. Blaring my horn, dodging slow cars, I push closer and closer to where I last left her.

  The parking lot’s only seconds away. I can see the waves as they crash on to the shore. Pulling into the parking lot, I look frantically around for the old truck that she was driving. It had to be hers, there was no one else on the beach.

  The truck is gone and so is she. Stopping my truck in the middle of the road, I run to the walkway, hoping and wishing that she’s still on the beach, but where she once sat is empty. Footprints along the sand show me all I need to know.

  For some odd reason, I have an overwhelming feeling to yell, scream, and kick. Dammit, I don’t know what. My body is so wound up that I fear it may break. Running back to the truck, I can only hope that she hasn't gone too far. I push through cutting up traffic and fly onto to the main road.

  Where could she be? I left her in a state…would she run to Annie? Her Mom? Marcie? I know she won’t go to Mason’s, she hasn't been there in weeks. I can only assume, from the way I walked away, that she’d try to limit her exposure to me as much as possible. Then, like the flash of lighting that crashes in the distance, I have an idea.

  There is only one place that she would go, especially on a day like this.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Riley

  I sit and stare, long and hard outside of the truck. The rain has stopped and a single ray of light bounces off the white marble. The tears that I once shed are history. Sucking in a deep breath, I take a step down from the truck.

  Taking one step at a time, I wrap my arms around my body, shielding me from the cold sensation that bites at my skin. It’s no use. This feeling’s from inside, not out. The weather is no longer affecting me, I’m cold internally. My heart’s beating fast, but the warmth of the blood flowing through my veins does nothing to warm me. I’m here for a reason. I’m here to finally say goodbye.

  Everything happens for a reason. Tanner coming into my life may have been by accident, like thieves in the night, but the endless thoughts of him that raked my mind were no accident. Was Tanner sent to me? To make me understand that no matter how much I hide away, my life will always come back to bite me? Especially, if I keep blocking the one thing that my dad would want for me the most. Happiness and even love. There’s that word again. It seems so alien, roaming around my head, but deep down I know that no matter what words came out of his mouth, no matter how much he attempted to push me away. I have some sort of love for Tanner and I think he knows it.

  The grass is wet. I can feel the cold fluid soak into my jeans, as I sit cross legged in front of his grave. I reach over and trace my fingers along the carved words.

  Michael Crass

  Lt. Colonel USAF

  Killed in Action Afghanistan

  Feb 1966 Oct 2004

  Loving husband and father.

  Behind the dim unknown standeth God within the shadow

  keeping watch above his own.

  The marble is smooth when I run my fingers over it. Even after all these years, the grave is clean. A small flag sticking out of the ground, whips in the wind. I’ve stood here so many times, but I’ve never really taken in all that’s around me here. Sucking in a deep breath, pulling my hand away from the marble. I was always told as a child that talking to him would help me. That I’d be able to find some closure by holding him close to my heart, but yet giving us some distance. I’ve never said more than just those few words, our secret pledge. No matter where he is, he is always listening. All I have to do is talk.

  “Dad…I wonder if you can hear me. I wonder if you can see me. I have so many questions.”

  As the words leave my mouth, I feel a little stupid, but with each word, with each question that runs through my head, I feel sated. Relieved even.

  “Why did you leave me? You promised me you would always come back. I’m not the girl you raised daddy, I’m so lost. So broken. I want nothing more than to show those around me the love that they deserve and so desperately need, but I can’t. I swore to myself so many years ago that I’d never love anyone like you daddy, but my heart is telling me otherwise. I’ve fallen daddy, hard and I have no idea what to do. He’s broken, too. I want to love him, I want to have something with him, but your memory, your life is holding me back. Tell me Dad, tell me how I am supposed to move forward without you!”

  I ramble on. The words won’t stop, the questions keep coming, but the hurt is fading. He may not be here physically, but I can feel him. My body feels locked in some tight embrace while it sheds years of endless questions.

  “Riley!” my name echoes through the wind.

  I jump scared out of my skin before staring longingly at the grave. It can’t be him. Again, my name whips past me. I’m on my feet in seconds, feeling like I’m in some horror movie. I wait for him to rise from the ground. Taking small steps back, my cold hyper sensitive body bumps into something.

  “Riley,” he whispers
behind me. That voice, it’s so smooth that it practically sings. I don’t move when his hands wrap around mine, grabbing me and spinning me on the spot to face him. Tanner stands before me still dressed in his uniform. I look long and hard at his chest before my eyes work their way up to his face. He looks angry and frustrated, but the minute that my smile creases my face, his face turns soft. His fingers are cold as he works them across my face.

  Bringing his head down to mine, the warmth of his breath sends goose pimples across my skin. He sucks in all the air around us, like he’s trying to keep me for himself. I watch him as he moves, I am waiting for him to say something. I want him to say something.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, in hushed tone.

  The second those words leave his mouth, a rush of emotion shoots through me. He may be broken, but I am too. I’m strangely enraged with him. I want to beat his chest and scream at him, but the cooler, calmer side of me stops. We both have our reasons to be sorry. My past has collided with his future and we were stupid if we thought we could stop it. I wait for more, but it never comes, instead his hands grip my body bringing me close to him. I rest my head on his chest.

  As I rest my cheek against his chest, a sudden flash of a memory comes back to me. I haven't held a man like this for years. I feel no medals, no insignia of any kind, but his name tag digs ever so slightly into my moist, cold skin. The last time I held someone so close like this, I said a farewell to the man that lays behind me. A sob escapes my mouth and I tuck my head further into his chest. His arms wrap closer, tightening while my tears begin to fall freely.

  “Shh, Riley, I’m here. I am so sorry I walked away. Look at me,” he says.

  I don’t dare look at him. I’m hiding once more, but this time I’m hiding from showing him how much his life hurts.

  “Look at me, Riley,” he pleads, pulling back from me ever so slightly, raising my tear stained face with his fingers.

  Slamming my eyes closed, I can’t look at him, not just yet.

  “Riley, this’s crazy. What I’m feeling for you, I’ve never and I mean never felt this way about someone before. I walked away. Damn, I walked away because of this. I know, Riley. I know what this has done to you and I don’t want to lead you down the path that you swore so long ago you’d never go.”

  What? My mind is reeling as the words leave his mouth. I move away from him, shocked. How does he know? Who has he been speaking to? I raise my hand to stop him just as he begins to speak again. I need to digest this. Has he been thinking of me? Has he been asking questions about me?

  “How did you know, Tanner? No one knows about this except…”

  Well fuck me, he’s been talking to Annie. God that girl has a big mouth! If we weren’t related, I’d kick her ass. No one knows about my little pact other than her. My mother doesn't even know and every time the question of a boy came up, I told her that I wasn't interested. School was more important. Of course, I was lying. Protecting myself, but she didn't need to know that I was struggling. She didn't need to deal with that burden, too.

  Deep down, she blames herself. Deep down, she holds herself responsible for so much. This isn’t her fault though. This is mine and mine alone.

  “It’s not important, I promise you. What’s important is that we have something going on here. Something that only you and I can work out. Riley, please listen to me. I have a little over five hours before I have to leave. I can’t tell you where and I can’t tell you for how long, but I feel strongly that there’s something between us and if you will, I want you to wait for me. Can you wait for me? This is the last one and I swear I’m done with this. Please Riley, just wait.”

  While he catches his breath from his rambling session, I watch him, intently absorbing his words. Can I really wait for him? What happens if he doesn't come back? How long will I be waiting? Can I take that risk?

  “Tanner.”

  His name once again rolls off my tongue like its familiar, like it’s meant to be. I turn, ever so slightly, to look at where he lays and I smile. He wouldn't want me to be afraid. He wouldn't want me to give up. He didn't, he fought to the very end and he did it for me.

  “Tanner. I don’t know. What if you don’t, Tanner…what if you don’t come back to me? I can wait yes, but what if you don’t come back? This-” I pause, pulling in a deep strengthening breath. “Whatever this is between us has thrown me for a loop. So many emotions, so many feelings, so many dreams. You’ve shaken all that I hold close to my heart and turned them upside down. I never thought I would be able to feel this way towards someone.”

  My eyes mist over at the memory of my father and the biggest fear I have with Tanner, before I continue. “He left me. Over and over again, promising he’d come home and I waited. We both did, and then one day he didn’t come back, instead they brought him back as he lays today and I can’t put myself through that again. You say it is your last time, but what do you mean it’s your last? How do you know? How could you know? I may be young, but I’m anything but naïve. I know the life. I’m fully aware of the threats involved with what you do. There will be a day that you are called away from me again and that may be the last time. Do you understand? Do you really understand that I can’t let someone who I love walk away from me again and never return?”

  His eyes dart to mine and a shocked expression runs across his face. It’s confusing, what did I say?

  “Love?” he questions.

  The word leaves his mouth and I realize what I said. I told him I loved him. Dammit. Before I can say, or even think anymore, my feet are pulled from the floor, my hands are wrapping around his neck. His hands hold tight around my waist, then he lowers his head and takes my lips in his. Sparks fly as we embrace. I thought I felt passion in the last kiss, but this is something much stronger. This is a promise. There’re so many things that I need to know simply by his words, but there’re so many emotions and feelings that don’t ever need to be expressed verbally. One simple passionate kiss is all that it takes.

  We break away as the rain beats down on us. It snuck up on us, coating our bodies. Neither of us move, we just hold each other tight, like our lives depend on it. Drops of rain fall from his hair roaming down his cheeks, disguising the tears that I’m sure have fallen from his eyes. I know for damn sure they’re falling from mine.

  “Wait for me, Riley,” he pleads.

  Words escape me and I nod in agreement before he claims me once more.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Tanner

  I couldn’t wait anymore, I sat and watched her for only minutes, but she was right there. Only feet from me, and every cell in my body was forcing me to go to her. As I approached, I could hear her pleas, her questions and it broke my heart. A few days back, on one of my many trips to the dorm building, Annie had snuck up on me, trying to get my attention, as always.

  I’m not proud of how I got answers. I’m not in the business of playing on people’s emotions or advances, but I let her hands roam a little further than they should. That was all, though. Leaned up against the wall, her hands worked their way down my body, gripping, pinching, stroking. I stopped her a few times, asking questions. I pushed her away a couple of times, you know, playing hard to get, kind of, but the minute I had all the answers I needed, I walked away.

  I felt shame for about all of an hour, but dammit she deserved it. I knew there’d be a time I’d get that girl back for her sheer nastiness and playing on the one thing she wanted was definitely the answer.

  Eloise chewed my ass, but hey you got to do what you got to do.

  This right here’s why it was so very worth it. Her body tight against mine, the feel of her soft skin against my rough hands. Her pure innocent beating heart against mine, stained and torn by the acts that I’ve committed.

  I plead with her to wait for me and I can see the internal battle raging a fierce war inside her. She has no reason to trust the words that come from my mouth, but I hope that she takes me for what I am. I hope that she can trust
me enough to know that no matter what happens, from this point on she has a place in my heart and I need to see where it will lead.

  As she speaks I listen, resisting every urge inside me to hold her close again and kiss her harder, faster. The word ‘love’ echoes through my head with a smacking realization. She said love. Does she? As soon as the word registers, really sinks in, I grab a hold of her, holding her close to my body. I smash my lips to hers, sucking the very words from her mouth.

  The heavens open up, soaking us to the core yet again, but it doesn't bother me. The heat from our bodies is all I need right now. I plead with her to wait for me, but she doesn't answer. I don’t need words, I just need to see her face. Her eyes tell me all I need to know. She’ll wait.

  Claiming her lips once more, my hands roam over her body. I never knew how small she was. She’s lighter than I remember and come to think of it, she looks thinner than before. I daren’t broach the subject with her. I’m a brother of a fiery girl, so I learned a long time ago never to mention weight. It doesn't ever end well.

  I release her body from mine, but grip her hand while we walk back towards my truck. She doesn't try to pull away from me, she just follows. I look down at her, then towards her truck. She smiles, looking back at it, though she pauses for only seconds.

  “Leave it,” she says confidently, starting to walk again.

  I don’t question her. Our hands are wound tight within each other. A strange feeling runs through me. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, I honestly thought that I could never feel this way, but with her it is different.