The Shibari Knot

by Eliza Master

  Originalle’s issue was that the engineered corn and vegetable seeds couldn’t reproduce because those seeds were terminators – infertile single-generation plants. Their seeds were fragile and rotted on the stalks. But these terminators lived twice as long as non-hybrids and produced four times the amount with proper care, so the Guatemalan farmers supplied by Agri-Gen were very thankful. And they received fresh seeds every year, so as far as Agri-Gen was concerned, there was nothing to complain about.

  Unfortunately, bees had transferred the pollen from the terminators to the native Guatemalan seed, and according to Originalle, the neighboring crops had become terminators too – but without the extra production and life span. The farmers didn’t have the means or knowledge to protect their virgin crops and were unable to harvest viable seed for next year’s plantings. The Yohimbe-Guatemalan project now belonged to the Fitzer Pharmaceutical Company, but Renata felt uncomfortable about her involvement with it. She didn’t want to harm anyone.

  It was Monday, and for some reason, the coffee wasn’t kicking in. Renata couldn’t concentrate on Agri business. She lined up her pens and shifted her laptop parallel to the desk edge. Tomorrow night she was going to the shibari group again. She hoped to show Dmitri something new.

  Renata’s attention lingered on her shoelace. To tie a shoe was an elementary school benchmark. The typical lace-up of diagonal crossings leading to a bow was part of everyday life. That basic knot was akin to learning how to write one’s name. Renata thought of other knots that fell into the same category. Gift-wrapping, tying a man’s tie, and braiding hair were all innocent human training. These were functional knots all about presenting something for looking at. They fastened things together, and elicited human response. Renata next pondered the knots that didn’t fasten. Knots in hair and tangles of fishing line were a nuisance. Even muscles could knot up. The unpleasant kinds of knots were fastened around themselves. They were unintended knots. Renata wondered if her relationships were knotted. Was the fetus like a knot inside her?

  Then there were shibari knots. Their purpose was for expression and art. Although they were built of practical fastening knots to support and dress the subject, their use wasn’t about need but rather desire; sexual desire.

  Renata contemplated the lines in life as if they formed a long string pattern. Commuting between home and work was like looping a skein. When stuck with a frustrating problem, the mind twisted round itself like tangled hair.

  Renata’s dragonfly tattoo fluttered between her shoulder blades. She remembered Japan and her deep sadness about losing Danny. She had felt then that her life rope had been cut. The tattoo had marked the beginning of a new journey and flew at the start of her new cord, one she had been living since.

  Concentrating, Renata imagined the perfect knot; a spiritual knot. It would be a knot with no end or beginning. This knot would be a pattern of locked circles floating independent of a subject. They would be interwoven rather than fastened. The knot would appear as a pattern of unbroken rings, serving no purpose except to exist. Tibetans and Celts were some of the first to illustrate these spiritual knots based in mathematical theory. Renata had heard that DNA was formed this way. Could her body really be composed of trillions of sublime knots?

  Someone tapped on her office door. Renata looked up and saw that it was new CEO, Gayle Anderson. “Come in,” she said politely.

  “Ms. Alvarez. How are you doing?” Gayle paused, but not long enough for Renata to reply. “How’s everything going with the project evaluations? Have you reached any conclusions?”

  That was a broad question to ask out of the blue, and Renata wondered why the woman was really here. This was the first time she’d talked to Gayle alone. Something felt off; but then again, Renata had felt in the clouds all morning, so perhaps she was overreacting.

  “Still working on them. We might start prospecting for some more space for a new sample farm, I’m thinking,” Renata replied.

  “Yes, Erik had mentioned that too,” Gayle interrupted, without letting Renata finish her answer. So why did she bother asking? “Well, let me know if there’s anything I need to know.” Gayle turned to leave. “And Renata, I’m looking forward to working with you.” She spoke with controlled friendliness.

  “Same here,” said Renata, hoping she meant it. She felt a movement in her belly, an inside scratch. Was that the baby? It felt like a fish flapping in water. She hated having to wear baggier clothes, and she was feeling a lot less attractive and confident than normal. The baby kicked again. Her belly was getting hard to hide. It had been more than four months, by her calculations. She didn’t even want to be a parent. Renata was flooded with anxiety. She needed a place to have the baby, and she needed to figure that out immediately. The obvious choice was at her casita in Brazil. Miguel would take care of her – she hoped – but what about work? She didn’t want to quit.

  In a quick minute, Renata was standing outside Erik’s former office. She saw Gayle inside working on her computer. She rehearsed her speech before knocking and entering the now unfamiliar office. Without any greeting, Renata blurted, “I think I need to visit the farm in Brazil to check parameters and temperature readings, and possibly look for another site nearby.” She took a deep breath while Gayle waited. “So that would mean flying down and staying for a bit, perhaps even a month or more, maybe.” That was pushing it, but hopefully Gayle didn’t have any idea what was really going on in Brazil. Renata had given her best pitch.

  “Sure. When were you thinking?”

  Obviously Renata would need maternity leave in some guise or another, and Gayle was counting on her desire to keep her pregnancy secret. The fewer people that knew about this special child the better, she thought. Gayle could have someone spy on Renata; perhaps someone who could pose as an Agri-Gen employee from the Chicago office.

  “Umm, I’m not sure, exactly. I’ll have Katrina arrange it, and then send you my itinerary. Is that okay?”

  “Of course. That sounds good. You can just forward the details to me when you have them.”

  That was too easy! But Renata was so relieved she didn’t overthink it. “Great, thanks!” Renata smiled and returned to her office. She had taken care of that problem in less than ten minutes. It was turning out to be a good day after all.

  I need you to make some travel arrangements for me, Renata texted Katrina. The girl showed up like she had been waiting outside the door.

  “Please book a round trip for me to São Paulo leaving in….” Renata wanted to push departure as far out as she could to get closer to her due date. Even though she hadn’t calculated that yet. “Let’s see. Leaving in two weeks.”

  “Sure thing. Accommodation too?” The girl was positively chipper.

  “”No, I’ll take care of that.” She would call Miguel later and see if he could send a car to take her to the villa.

  Renata went back to her project overviews and though more about the new sample farm. She mapped out some possible sites with the right climate. By five o’clock, her flight was booked and a heavy weight lifted from her mind. Still, Renata felt unsettled, though she couldn’t figure out why. Hopefully the shibari tomorrow evening would cheer her up.

  At home, even Kamber didn’t make Renata feel better. Her stomach hurt, and she had a pounding headache. Renata wished she felt comfortable calling Alexa. She imagined falling into her nurturing arms. But that would mean making a commitment, and Renata didn’t want to offer something that she couldn’t fulfill. Plus with the baby on the way, things would be much more complicated. And she was sure Alexa would notice the pregnancy right away.

  Who was the father? wondered Renata for the umpteen the time. And which man would she choose if it were up to her? If it was Erik’s, he might want to get married. But then he would own her in a sense, and that wasn’t going to happen. Renata had also been with a few one nighters who were possible fathers. However, all the guys had used condoms. But maybe one had leaked?

  She ordered her f
avorite takeout, pad thai with an extra serving of peanut sauce, and let her forehead sink into her hand. Why was she sweating? Everything had been so perfect until now. How had this happened? Agri-Gen was going so well, and she would probably get promoted again. If only she weren’t knocked up.

  Renata missed Erik suddenly. She had absolutely no one to confide in. She remembered resting on Erik’s bare chest, and how right that had felt. Her apartment felt lonely, and she was scared. For the first time, she truly thought about the birth. Would it hurt a lot? What if there were something wrong with the kid? Maybe she should consider getting an abortion. It wasn’t too late. Her headache teamed up with anxiety. She had been through so much; how did she know she was safe now? Was someone stalking her? She checked around the room, looking for any hidden surveillance equipment, but there was none to be found. She was just being paranoid.

  12

  The Tea Cup

  That night Renata slept badly, and the next day she sat at her desk in a slump, waiting for her coffee. Lately it had become an obsession. She considered getting it herself, but didn’t want to interfere with her assistant. Hopefully it would do its usual magic; otherwise she could have Katrina pick up a cup from across the street.

  Katrina tapped on the door with a steamy mug in her hands. She had followed directions and had put a generous scoop of the gray powder into Renata’s coffee that morning.

  “Here you go.” Katrina said, setting the coffee down on Renata’s desk.

  Renata hungrily took a big sip. “Yum, thank you.” Today it was delicious.

  “Anything else I can get you?”

  “Not right now. Thanks, Katrina.” Renata sipped down the rest of the cup quickly after Katrina left. Her body and mind calmed. It was so good she wanted more. Another coffee please, she texted Katrina.

  Gayle hadn’t directed Katrina on the coffee refill situation, as Renata didn’t normally take more than one cup, but there was plenty of powder left in the zip locked bag. Katrina was curious to see the effect of a double dose on Renata. She knew it was loaded with sildenafil, and she wondered if it would make Renata sex-crazed. She chuckled as she imagined her boss humping the office chair.

  After she’d gulped down the second cup of coffee, the day sped by for Renata. She felt like a superhero. Only Katrina knew she was jacked up on the special yohimbe cocktail. The huge dose of synthesized Viagra was making Renata feel super sexual instead of dumpy and pregnant. The drug also helped Renata work. She accelerated through Agri–Gen business and easily read through all her paperwork. Five o’clock came early, and Renata raced home.

  She ate three crackers with cheese while standing in front of the fridge. Then she threw on her black leggings. They were easy to move in and didn’t bind anywhere. She hopped back into her Audi TT and played some Major Lazer to get pumped up. Renata was ready for anything. In record time, she stood in front of the Castro theatre.

  Had the place been cleaned since last week? The building was grand, and time had seasoned it. An art nouveau phoenix glinted from a cornice on the façade. This theater must have been built a long time ago, thought Renata. Even the dirty plastic bags and cigarette butts strewn along the sidewalk didn’t deter from its majesty.

  Renata definitely had her sexy on, and shibari was exactly what she needed. The door was unlocked, so she made her was through the vestibule and down the rows of seats.

  “Welcome,” called Dmitri from the stage. He looked exquisite tonight, and Renata couldn’t help lingering on his muscular physique. He picked up her vibe and bit back a smile. “So it’s just us tonight,” he said covetously. Only then did Renata look around. There were no girls, and Dmitri’s spider web was unwound to it base cords.

  “Oh,” said Renata, and the empty place echoed a little. “Okay.” She spoke more quietly this time, feeling suddenly awkward.

  “So you tie?”

  It was a challenge. Renata felt like she was on a cliff, looking down. Why had she come, especially without a plan? What was wrong with her? She normally didn’t have crazy mood swings. Being pregnant sucks.

  “Can I get you anything, sir?” Nima danced into the space without changing its energy.

  So they weren’t completely alone after all. Nima flashed Renata a warm smile, his dark eyes familiar. Renata’s cliff was gone, and her confidence was back.

  “Tea, yes. Ginseng.” Nima hurried off. “For two, please.” Dmitri called after him.

  Renata stared into her satchel of ropes, wondering what would happen next. She sat at the little tea table in the same Victorian chair as last week. Dmitri also sat in the same place. Gathering herself, Renata focused on her goal for this evening. She wanted to show Dmitri that she was an equal.

  Like a sparrow, Nima flittered back with two little cups and a porcelain pot. Apparently he wasn’t included in the tea party. Renata wanted him around, so she said, “I tie men. Could I use Nima as a subject?” Renata had felt it was disrespectful of Dmitri to have offered her Nima last week without his permission, so although she addressed the question to Dmitri, she made sure that Nima knew she was asking him too.

  “I’d love that, girlfriend.” Nima winked at Renata before Dmitri could respond. He’s a quick one, thought Renata.

  “Okay, great, thank you.” Dmitri nodded to Nima and grinned pleasantly. Maybe Dmitri was mild mannered after all.

  Renata looked around for a prop. There was the spider web, but that was too masculine, and was also Dmitri’s territory. The only other options were the table and the chairs they were sitting on. She had never tied anyone to a table or chair before. Her chair’s cushion was soft and would be more comfortable for Nima. Plus his dark skin would be a pretty contrast against the cream fabric of the seat.

  She closed her eyes and let her mind empty, focusing on her own version of an endless knot. She let her mind travel along its path. Her meditation pushed away anxious thoughts. In Japan, Renata had learned the technique of viewing herself from the outside. She saw a strong, intelligent woman sitting at a table with two men. Renata reminded herself she was compassionate and capable. Holding these self-images, she reached for inspiration.

  Bowing her head respectfully, she addressed Nima. “Please change into these if you’re comfortable with that.” She pulled out her own spare pair of spandex shorts from the bottom of her satchel. They looked like they’d fit.

  “Of course, darling,” Nima said, whistling a happy tune as he pranced behind stage to change. He reappeared in the shorts and his own white tank. Renata could tell Nima was enjoying being the center of attention. Perhaps Dmitri didn’t tie men. She wanted to know when or if Nima had been shibari-ed before. Maybe she would ask him later; this wasn’t the time to break the mood with chitchat. Dmitri sat still, playing the part of a good audience.

  Not wanting to make Nima feel embarrassed or shy, Renata respectfully kept her eyes off of her new subject’s body. Instead she focused on the getting out rope and planning some patterns.

  “Can I use this?” Renata gestured towards the chair. Dmitri nodded, looking pleased. Renata set the chair on its back with the seat facing the table. She asked Nima to sit on the wooden bars that were now horizontal.

  “Are you comfortable?” she asked.

  He said he was, but Renata knew those bars could get uncomfortable fast. She pulled her hoodie out of the satchel.

  “How about this?” She slipped it under Nima’s sitz bones.

  “Oh yes! Nice and soft now.” Nima laughed contagiously.

  And then Renata began to tie. Starting at Nima’s waist, she looped a medium rope twice, and on the next round went under the loops and up around the back of Nima’s neck and back into the waist loop, creating a narrow deep V from shoulders to waist. This rope was almost used up, so she secured it on the belt with a strong efficient knot like a belt buckle. The belt was strong and would be a good torso foundation.

  Renata stepped away for a moment to examine her placements. Nima and Dmitri stayed quiet, respecting
her concentration. Next she pulled out a pack of magenta strips made of velvet. One was just long enough to wrap from the back bottom of Nima’s rib cage to cross between his breasts and secure in back. Then she added two small strips to make triangles around his pecs. It looked Nima was wearing a bikini top. Renata noticed his breasts were swollen, and not in a male way. Gently Renata touched Nima’s nipple while using her body to hide the action from Dmitri. His nipple hardened under her finger as she stole a glance at the boy. He smiled mischievously, without modesty.

  Dmitri and Nima were both grinning. Impulsively Renata tied two of her new Tigerlily knots over Nima’s chest, not sure if she were protecting or enhancing his breasts. She stepped back again to appraise her creation. Her shibari looked festive and light, which was a relief. The magenta velvet made a pretty flower form. Nima looked as if he were tied for a night on the town.

  As a final touch, Renata used a strip of teal velvet around Nima’s forehead and looped his right wrist securely to the back of his head. His arm bend looked like a leaf outline coming from the torso area. She tied the other arm behind Nima’s back into the belt foundation cord to make another leaf. Then Renata wrapped Nima’s arms in green cord around like a skein. She didn’t knot this except at the ends. Now the leaf arms looked solid.

  Renata danced back to take in her creation. Nima looked like a growing flower. The piece was absolutely fabulous and completely original. Dmitri applauded.

  Nima asked, “Can you take a picture for me? It’s my first shibari!”

  “I’ll take some with my phone and text them over.”