Sween Myth-tery of Life m-10

by Robert Asprin

  It was my turn to rub my chin thoughtfully.

  "That makes sense" I said. "Thanks, Nunzio."

  "Hey. I just had an idea," he said brightly, apparently buoyed by his success. "There's a real easy way to tell if you're drinkin' too much. Just lay off the sauce for a while. Then see if there's any big change in your thinkin' or judgment. If there is, then you know it's time to back off. Of course, if you find out that quittin' is harder than you thought, then you'll have another signal that you've got trouble."

  A part of me bristled at the thought of having to ease up on my drinking, but I fought it down ... along with my flash of fear at what that bristling might imply.

  "Okay, Nunzio," I said. "I'll do it. Thanks again. I appreciate how hard that was for you."

  "Don't mention it, Boss. Glad I could help you."

  He reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder in a rare display of comradeship.

  "Personally, I don't think you have that much to worry about. If you've got a drinkin' problem, it's marginal at best. I mean, it's not like you've been blackin' out or anything."

  Chapter Twelve:

  "Let's see the instant replay on that!"

  H. COSSELL

  "HEY PARTNER! How's it going?"

  I had been heading back toward my room with the vague thought of getting a little more sleep. The hail from Aahz, however, reduced my odds of success noticeably.

  "Hi Aahz" I said, turning toward him. That put the sun in my eyes, so I stepped back slightly to find some shade.

  He drew up close to me and peered at me carefully. I, in turn, tried my best to look relaxed and puzzled.

  Finally he nodded to himself.

  "You look okay," he declared.

  "Shouldn't I?" I said, innocently.

  "I heard you had quite a time last night," he explained, shooting me another sidelong glance.

  "Thought I'd better look you up and survey the damage. I'll admit you seem to have weathered the storm well enough. Resilience of youth, I guess."

  "Maybe the reports were exaggerated," I suggested hopefully.

  "Not bloody likely," he snorted. "Chumley said he saw you and your date when you rolled back into the castle and, as you know, if anything, he's prone to understatement."

  I nodded mutely. When he wasn't in his working persona of Big Crunch, the troll was remarkably accurate in his reports and observations.

  "Whatever," Aahz waved. "Like I say, you seem to have survived pretty well."

  I managed a weak smile.

  "How about a Hair of the dog? A quick drink to perk you up," he suggested. "Com'on partner. My treat. We'll duck into town for a change of pace."

  A moment's reflection was all it took to realize that a stroll through the town around the castle sounded good. Real good if Bunny was on the warpath.

  "Okay, Aahz. You're on," I said. "But as to the hair of the dog ... I'll stick to regular stuff if you don't mind. I had enough of strange drinks last night."

  He gave off one of those choking noises he used to make during my days as an apprentice when I said something really dumb, but when I glanced at him, there wasn't a trace of a smile.

  "Aren't you forgetting something, partner?" he said without looking at me.

  "What?"

  "If we're heading out among the common folk, a disguise spell would be nice."

  He was right of course. Even though I was used to seeing him as he actually was, a Pervect with green scales and yellow eyes, the average citizen of Possiltum still tended to react to his appearance with horror and fear ... which is to say much the same way I reacted when I first met him.

  "Sorry, Aahz."

  Closing my eyes, I quickly made the necessary adjustments. Manipulating his image with my mind, I made him look like an ordinary castle guard. If anything, I made him a bit more scrawny and undernourished than average. I mean, the idea was not to intimidate people, wasn't it?

  Aahz didn't even bother checking his reflection in any of the windows we passed. He seemed much more interested in prying details of my date out of me.

  "Where did you find to go on this backwater dimension, anyway?" he said.

  "Oh, we didn't stick around here," I said loftily. "We ducked over to Limbo. Cassandra knew a couple clubs there and we ..."

  I suddenly noticed Aahz was no longer walking beside me. Looking back, I realized he had stopped in his tracks. His mouth was working, but no sound came out.

  "Limbo?" he managed at last. "You went bar crawling on Limbo? Excuse me, partner, but I was under the impression we were persona non grata in that neck of the woods."

  "I was a little worried at first," I admitted casually, which was only a little lie. As you'll recall, I had been a LOT worried. "Cassandra said she could blip us back out fast if there was any trouble, though, so I figured what the heck. As it turned out, nobody seems to be holding a grudge there. In fact, it seems I'm ... I mean, we're ... minor celebrities over there. That's partly why the evening ran as long as it did. Half the people we ran into wanted to buy me a drink for putting one over on the local council."

  "Is that a fact?" Aahz said darkly, starting to move again. "Just who is this Cassandra person, anyway? She doesn't exactly sound like a local."

  "She's not," I confirmed. "Vie set me up with her. She's a friend of his."

  "Nice to know he didn't set you up with an enemy," my partner quipped. Still in all, it seems to me . , ."

  He broke off and did another double take.

  "Wait a minute. Vie? The same vampire Vie that you hang around with over at the Bazaar? You mean this Cassandra babe is ..."

  "A vampire," I said with a careless shrug. The truth was, I was starting to get a bit of a kick out of shocking Aahz. "Oh, she's okay. No one you'd want to take home to mother, but ... what's wrong?"

  He was craning his head around to peer at my neck from different angles.

  "Just checking for bite marks," he said.

  "Com'on, Aahz. There wasn't any danger of that. She was drinking her blood out of a glass last night."

  "Those weren't the kind of bite marks I was checking for," he grinned. "Vamps have a rep of being pretty wild women."

  "Um ... speaking of destinations," I said eager to change the subject, "where are we going?"

  "No place special," my partner said. "These local bars and inns are pretty much all the same. This one should do us fine."

  With that, he veered through the door of the place we were passing, leaving me to follow along behind.

  The inn was refreshingly ordinary compared to what I could remember of the surreal clubs I had been to on Limbo. Ordinary, and more than a little dull.

  Dark wooden tables and chairs were the main feature of the decor, with occasional candles scattered here and there to supplement the light which streamed in through windows and the open door.

  "What'll you have, Skeeve?" Aahz called, heading for the bar.

  I started to say 'Wine/ but changed my mind. Whether or not Bunny was right about my drinking getting out of hand, it wouldn't hurt to ease up a bit. Besides, Nunzio's comment about blacking out had me more than a little uneasy.

  "Just some fruit juice for me," I waved.

  Aahz paused, cocking his head at me.

  "Are you sure you're all right, partner?" he said.

  "Sure. Why do you ask?"

  "A while back you were talking about looking forward to having your usual, and now you're switching drinks."

  "All right. Have it your way," I grimaced. "A goblet of wine, then. No need to make a big thing of it."

  I leaned back and looked around the room, though it was mostly to break eye contact with Aahz before he realized I was upset. It was funny, but I found myself somehow reluctant to tell my partner my worries about my drinking. Still, it was difficult to change my drinking patterns around him without raising questions that would require an explanation. I figured that, for the moment, the easiest thing to do would be to go on as before ... at least, while I was around Aahz.
Later, more privately, I'd start tapering off.

  One thing I noticed about the inn was that there seemed to be a lot of young people hanging around. Well, to be honest, they were about my age, but I spend so much time with the team, I tend to think of myself as older.

  One table of girls in particular caught my attention, mostly because they seemed to be talking about me. At least, that was my guess, as they kept glancing my way, then putting their heads together and giggling, then glancing over again.

  Not long ago, this would have made me nervous. My recent excursion to Limbo, however, had gotten me a bit more used to notoriety.

  The next time they glanced over, I looked directly back at them, then gave a brief, polite nod of acknowledgment with my head. This, of course, caused another hurried huddle and burst of giggles.

  Ah, fame.

  "What are you smiling at?" Aahz said as he set my wine in front of me and slid onto the bench across the table, cradling his own outsized drink.

  "Oh, nothing," I smiled. "I was just watching that table of girls over there."

  I indicated the direction with a tilt of my head, and he leaned sideways to scope them out himself.

  "Kind of young for you, aren't they, partner?"

  "They're not that much younger than I am," I protested, taking a long swallow of wine.

  "Don't you have enough problems already?" Aahz said, settling back. "Last time I checked, you were suffering from an overabundance of women ... not a shortage."

  "Oh, relax," I laughed. "I wasn't figuring to do anything with them. Just having a little fun, is all. They were looking at me, so I let them see me looking back."

  "Well don't look now," he grinned back, "but at least one of them is doing more than looking."

  Needless to say, I looked.

  One of the girls had stood up and was approaching our table. When she saw me looking in her direction, she seemed to gather her courage and closed the distance in a rush.

  "Hi," she said brightly. "You're him, aren't you? The wizard from the castle?"

  "That's right," I nodded. "How did you know that?"

  "I thought I heard him call you Skeeve when he went to fetch your drink," she gushed.

  "Probably because that's my name," I smiled.

  Okay, so it wasn't the wittiest thing I'd said. In fact, it was pretty lame compared to the usual banter that goes on within the team. You'd never tell it, though, from her reaction.

  She covered her mouth with one hand and shrieked with laughter loud enough to draw the attention of everyone in the room ... in the town, for that matter.

  "Oh! That's priceless," she declared.

  "That's where you're wrong," I corrected. "Actually, my rates are rather high."

  This, of course, set off another gale of laughter. I caught Aahz's gaze and winked. He rolled his eyes in disgust and turned his attention to his drink. That seemed like a good idea, but when I went to sip my wine, the goblet was empty. I started to ask Aahz to get me another, but changed my mind. That first one had disappeared with disturbing speed.

  "So, what can I do for you?" I said, as much to take my mind off the wine as to get an answer.

  "Well, everyone in town has been talking about you," the girl chirped, "and my girlfriend ... the cute one over there ... has a real thing for you since she saw you in court when you first came back. Anyway, it would just make her whole incarnation if you'd come over to our table so she could meet you personally."

  "I don't know," I said. "There are things to be said for meeting people im-personally as well."

  "Huh?" she said, giving me a blank look, and I realized I had pushed beyond her sense of humor.

  "Just tell her I'll be over in a few moments, as soon as I finish my conversation here."

  "Great! She'll die!"

  I watched her scamper off to tell her friends, then turned back to Aahz.

  "I may throw up," he announced.

  "You're just jealous," I grinned. "Keep an eye on my drink for me, will you?"

  With that I rose and headed for the girls' table. At least, I started to.

  There was a gangly youth blocking my way. I started to move around him, but he stepped sideways, deliberately putting himself in my path again.

  I stopped and looked at him.

  I'd been in fights before. Sometimes against some pretty tough customers when I wasn't sure I would survive it. This joker, however, was different.

  He couldn't have been more than my age. Probably a few years younger. What's more, he didn't hold himself with the confident poise of a brawler or even a soldier. In fact, if anything, he looked scared.

  "Leave them alone," he said in a shaky voice.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "I said leave them alone!" he repeated, his voice gaining a bit of strength.

  I let the ghost of a smile play across my face.

  "Young man," I said gently, "do you know who I am?"

  "Oh, I know all right," he nodded. "You're Skeeve. The big bad wizard from the castle. What's more, I know you can make me sorry I ever breathed, much less got in your way. You can turn me into a toad or make my hair burst into flame, or even whistle up some nasty creature to tear me apart if you don't want to get your own hands dirty. You can squash me or anyone else you want just to get your way ... but it doesn't make it right. Maybe it's about time someone stood up to you even if it means getting killed just for trying."

  I couldn't help but notice there were some nods and mutterings of support for the youth at the other tables in the inn, and no few dark looks cast in my direction.

  "All right," I said levelly. "You're standing up to me. Now make your point."

  "The point is you can't just waltz in here and put moves on our women. What's more, if you try, you'll be sorry."

  To emphasize his words, he reached out and gave me a shove that knocked me back. I had to take a step to recover my balance.

  It was suddenly very quiet in the inn. The moment seemed to hang in the air as everyone tensed and waited to see what would happen next.

  Blood was pounding in my ears.

  I heard the bench behind me slide as Aahz started to get up, and I signaled behind me with my hand for him to stay out of it.

  "I have no intention of putting any 'moves' on these women either now or in the future," I said carefully. "The young lady there came to my table and said that her friend wanted to meet me. I was about to comply. Period. That's it. It was an effort on my part to be polite. If, as it seems, it is somehow offensive to you or anyone else here, I'll forego the pleasure."

  I looked past him to where the girls were watching.

  "Ladies," I nodded. "Another day, perhaps."

  With that, I turned on my heel and marched out of the place ... angry and embarrassed, but confident that I had correctly handled a dubious situation.

  It didn't help, however, that as I passed through the door, a shout from the youth came wafting after me.

  "And don't come back!"

  Chapter Thirteen:

  "The secret of popularity Is confidence. "

  W. ALLEN

  "HOLD UP A minute, partner. We're still together, you know."

  I slowed my pace a bit, and Aahz caught up with me, falling in step beside me.

  "If you don't mind the observation," he said, "that little scene back there seems to have gotten you a little upset."

  "Shouldn't it have?" I snapped.

  "Don't let it bother you," my partner said easily. "Locals always get upset with outsiders ... especially when their women start flirting with them. It's a problem as old as the hills. Just ask any soldier or carny person. Don't take it personally."

  He gave me a playful punch on the arm, but, for a change, I wasn't reassured.

  "But they weren't reacting to an outsider, Aahz.

  They were reacting to me. I live here, too. What's more, they knew it. They knew who I was and that I work at the castle, but they still treated me like an outsider."

  "As far
as they're concerned, you are."

  That one stopped me.

  "How's that again?"

  "Take a look at the facts, Skeeve," Aahz said, more serious now. "Even ignoring your travels through the dimensions, you aren't the same as them. Like you say, you work at the castle ... and not as a chambermaid or a kitchen worker, either. You're one of the main advisors to the Queen, not to mention a possible consort ... though I doubt they know that. Things you do and say on a daily basis affect everyone in this kingdom. That alone puts you on a different social ... not to mention economic ... level from the folks here in town."

  That made me pause and think.

  My new life and lifestyle had sort of grown up around me over the years. Socializing and/or clashing with kings or mayors had become pretty commonplace, though I had never stopped to consider it. Rather, I had always assumed that it sort of went with the territory when one was a magician. Then again, how many magicians had I met while I was growing up?

  Aahz was right. My work with the team had cocooned me away from the rest of society to a point where I took things for granted. The extraordinary had become so ordinary to me, that I had ceased to be aware of, or even consider, how it must seem to the ordinary citizens.

  I shook my head abruptly.

  "No. There's more to it than that, Aahz. Those people back there didn't like me."

  "Uh-huh," my partner nodded. "So what's your point?"

  "What's my point*" I echoed a little shrilly. "Maybe you didn't understand me. I said ..."

  "... They didn't like you," Aahz finished. "So what?"

  "What do you mean 'So what'?" I said. "Don't you want to be liked?"

  My old mentor frowned slightly, then gave a shrug.

  "I suppose it would be nice," he said. "But I really don't give it much thought."

  "But ..."

  "And neither should you."

  There was a levelness and firmness, almost a warning, in his tone that brought me up short.

  Instead of protesting, I struggled for several moments trying to understand what he was trying to tell me, then surrendered with a shake of my head.