Sween Myth-tery of Life m-10

by Robert Asprin

  "I don't get it, Aahz. Doesn't everyone want to be liked?"

  "Maybe at some level," my partner said. "But most people realize it's a wistful hope at best ... like it would be nice if it only rained when we want it to. The reality is that it rains when it bloody well feels like it, and that some people aren't going to like you no matter what you do. The up side is that there are also people who will like you no matter what you do."

  "I can't accept that," I said, shaking my head.

  "It's too fatalistic. If you're right, then there's no point in trying at all."

  "Of course there is," Aahz snapped. "Just don't take everything to extremes. Okay? Reality always lies somewhere between the extremes. Not trying at all to have people like you is as silly as trying too much."

  "Is that what I've been doing? Trying too much?"

  My partner waggled his hand in front of him in a so-so gesture.

  "Sometimes you drift dangerously close," he said. "I think that sometimes you let your desire to be liked get out of proportion. When that happens, it starts to warp your perception of yourself and the world."

  "Could you give me an example or two?"

  "Sure," he said easily. "Let's start with an easy one ... like taxes. Part of your job right now is to be a consultant on the taxes being levied on the citizens. Right?"

  I nodded.

  "... Except that people don't like to pay taxes. If they had their druthers, they would get the protection and services of the kingdom without paying a cent. Of course, they also realize that something for nothing is an unrealistic situation, so they accept the necessary evil of taxes. They accept it, but the don't like it. Because they don't like it, there is going to be an ongoing level of resentment and grumbling. Whatever the tax assessment is, it's too high, and whatever the level of services is, it's too low. That resentment is going to be forced on anyone involved with setting the taxes, which includes you and everyone else who works at the castle."

  He shook his head.

  "What I'm saying is that if you're in a position of decision making and power, such as you are now, you can forget about being liked by the people who are affected by your decisions. The best you can hope for is respect."

  "Wait a minute," I said, "are you saying that people can respect you without liking you?"

  "Sure," Aahz said easily. "That one I can give you dozens of examples on. Since we're on the subject of taxes and finances, consider Grimble. You respect his skill and dedication even though you don't particularly like him as a person. Right?"

  I had to admit that he was right there.

  "Better still," he continued, "think back to when you and I first paired up. I was pretty rough on you with the magik lessons, and made you practice even when you didn't feel up to it. You didn't like me for drilling you constantly, but you did respect me."

  "Um ... Well, I didn't know you as well then as I do now" I said uneasily. "At the time, though, I guess I had to believe that you knew what you were doing, and that what you were putting me through was necessary for the learning process ... whether I liked it or not."

  "Precisely," Aahz nodded. "Don't feel bad. It's the normal reaction to an authority figure, whether it's a parent, a teacher, a boss, or a government representative. One doesn't always like what they make us do, but even in the midst of disliking being forced to do something, one can still admire and respect the fairness and expertise with which they do their job."

  He shrugged easily.

  "I guess that's it in a nutshell," he said. "You're a likeable young man, Skeeve, but sometimes I think you should worry less about being liked and more about being respected. If nothing else, it's a more realizable goal."

  I thought about what he had said for a few minutes.

  "You're right, Aahz," I said finally. "Being respected is more important than being liked."

  With that, I veered off to head in a different direction than the one we had been walking.

  "Where are you going, partner?"

  "I'm going to see Bunny," I called back. "There's a conversation we started this morning that I think we should finish."

  I had a fair amount of time to think about what I wanted to say before I reached Bunny's room. It didn't help. When I got there, I was still as much at a loss of how to express my thoughts as when I started out.

  I paused for a few moments, then rapped lightly on her door before I lost my nerve. Truth to tell, I was half hoping she was out or asleep, which would let me off my self-imposed hook.

  "Who is it?"

  So much for half-hopes. Maybe next time I should try a whole one.

  "It's me, Bunny. Skeeve."

  "What do you want?"

  "I'd like to talk to you, if it's all right."

  There was a silence that lasted just long enough for me to both get my hopes up, and to start seriously worrying.

  "Just a minute."

  As I waited, I could hear occasional sounds of metallic clanking, as if someone was moving stacks of iron plates ... heavy iron plates, from the sound of it. This puzzled me, as I could think of no reason why Bunny would have metal plates in her room.

  Then it occurred to me that she might have someone else in there with her.

  "I can come back later, if this is a bad time," I called, shutting my mind on trying speculate who might be in my assistant's quarters at this hour ... and why.

  In response, the door flew open, and Bunny stood framed in the doorway.

  "Come on in, Skeeve," she said, rather breathlessly. "This is a surprise."

  It certainly was.

  Silhouetted against the light, at first I thought she was stark naked. Then she turned, and I realized she was actually wearing a brightly colored outfit that was skin tight and hugged her body like it was painted on.

  "Umm ..."I said smoothly, unable to tear my eyes from her form.

  "Sorry I'm such a mess," she said, grabbing up a towel and beginning to dab the sweat from her face and throat. "I was just working out."

  Now, as you know, I've gotten pretty intense while working out my own problems in the past, but I've never felt the need to wear a special outfit while doing it. Then again, I've never worked up the kind of sweat doing it that Bunny seemed to. Whatever her problems were, they must be dillies.

  "Is there anything I can do to help?" I said, genuinely concerned.

  "No thanks," she smiled. "I was pretty much done when you knocked. Maybe sometime you can come in and spot for me, though."

  Now she had lost me completely. Spot what? And how would spotting anything help her work things out?

  "So what's up?" she said, perching on the edge of her bed.

  Whatever her problems were, they didn't seem to have her particularly upset. I decided to hold off on trying to sort them out, at least, until I had settled what I came here to do.

  "Basically, Bunny," I said, "I wanted to apologize to you."

  "For what?" she seemed genuinely puzzled.

  "For how I acted this morning ... or whenever it was that I woke up."

  "Oh that," she said, looking away. "There's no need to apologize. Everyone gets a bit out of sorts when they have a hangover."

  It was nice of her to say that, but I wasn't about to let it slide.

  "No, there's more to it than that, Bunny. You tried to raise some valid concerns about my health and well being, and I gave you a rough time because I wasn't ready to hear what you were saying. I guess I didn't want to hear it. With everything else I've been trying to sort out, I really didn't want one more problem to complicate things."

  I paused and shook my head.

  "I just wanted you to know that since then, I've been thinking about what you said. I've decided that you may be right about my having a drinking problem. I'm not sure, mind you, but there's enough doubt in my mind that I'm going to try to ease up for a while."

  I sat down on the bed beside her, and put my arm around her shoulders.

  "Whether you were right or not, though, I wanted to th
ank you for your caring and concern. That's what I should have said this morning instead of getting defensive."

  Suddenly, she was hugging me, her face buried in my chest.

  "Oh Skeeve," came her muffled voice. "I just get so worried about you. I know you're in the middle of making some rough decisions, and I try not to add to your problems. I just wish there was something more I could do to ease things for you, but it seems that when I try to help, I just make things worse for you."

  Gradually, I became aware that she was crying softly, though I wasn't sure why. Also, I became very aware that there weren't many clothes between me and the body she was pressing against me ... and that we were sitting on a bed ... and ...

  I shut the door on that portion of my thoughts, vaguely ashamed of myself. Bunny was obviously upset and concerned for me. It was ignoble of me to taint the moment by entertaining thoughts of ...

  I shut the mental door again.

  "Come on, Bunny," I said softly, stroking her hair with one hand. "You are a big help to me. You know and I know that I'd be lost trying to straighten out the kingdom's finances without your knowledge. You've take that whole burden on yourself."

  I took her by the shoulders and held her away from me so that I could look into her eyes.

  "As to doing more," I continued, "you're already trying harder which is probably wise. Like this morning when you talked to me about my drinking problem. I appreciate it ... I really do. Some things I just have to work out for myself, though. That's the way it should be. Nobody else can or should make my decisions for me, since I'm the one who is going to have to live with the repercussions. All that you can do ... all that anyone can do ... to help me right now is to be patient with me. Okay?"

  She nodded and wiped her eyes.

  "Sorry about the waterworks," she said wryly. "Gods. The first time you come to my room, and I look like a mess."

  "Now that is silly," I smiled, touching my finger to the end of her nose in mock severity. "You look terrific ... like you always do. If you don't know that, you should."

  After that, it was only natural to kiss her ... a short, friendly kiss. At least, that's the way it started out. Then it started to last longer, and longer, and her body seemed to melt against mine.

  "Well, I better say good night now," I said, pulling away from her, "Big day tomorrow."

  That was a blatant lie, as tomorrow promised to be no more or less busy for me than any other day. I realized, however, that if I didn't break things up, and our physical involvement grew, I'd have trouble convincing myself that the reason I had come to Bunny's room was to apologize and thank her for her concern.

  For a mad moment, I thought she was going to protest my leaving. If she had, I'm not sure the strength of my resolve would have been sufficient to get me out the door.

  She started to say something, then stopped and drew a deep breath instead.

  "Good night, Skeeve," she said finally. "Come and see me again sometime ... soon."

  To say the least, there were many distracting thoughts dancing in my head as I made my way back to my room.

  Bunny had come on to me pretty strong when we first met, and I had backed her off. Having made such a big thing out of keeping our relationship on a professional basis, could I now reverse my stance without making a complete fool of myself? Would she let me? She seemed to still be interested, but then again I might simply be kidding myself.

  Then, too, there was the question of whether or not I had any right to be shopping around for a new relationship while I was still making up my mind on Queen Hemlock's proposal. The night with Cassandra had been an adventure and a learning experience, but even I couldn't kid myself that getting involved with Bunny would be a brief fling.

  What was it exactly that I wanted ... and from who?

  Still lost in thought, I opened the door to my room ... and found a demon waiting for me.

  Chapter Fourteen:

  "Take a walk on the wild side."

  G. GEBEL-WILLIAMS

  Now, THOSE OF you who have been following my adventures are aware that there is nothing new about my finding a demon in my room. It's not all that unusual these days, though I still have trouble from time to time getting used to it.

  Of course, some demon visitors are more welcome than others.

  This one was a cute little number. She had close-cropped brown hair which framed a round face with big, wide-set almond-shaped eyes, a pert little nose, and small, heart-shaped lips. She also had a generous number of curves in all the right places, which the harem outfit she was wearing showed off with distracting clarity. The only trouble was, she was tiny. Not "small," mind you ... tiny.

  The figure in front of me, delectable as it might be, was only about four inches high and floated in midair.

  "Hi!" the diminutive lady chirped in a musical voice. "You must be Skeeve. I'm Daphnie."

  There was a time when I would have found the effect unsettling. Courtesy of my recent travels, however, I had seen it before.

  "Don't tell me, let me guess," I said in my most off-worldly, casual manner. "You're a Djin. Right? From Djinger?"

  "Well ... a Djeanie, actually. But if we're going to be friends, no wisecracks about the Djeanie with the light brown hair. Okay?"

  I stared at her for a moment, waiting for her to provide the rest of what was obviously supposed to be a joke. Instead of continuing, though, she simply looked back at me expectantly.

  "Okay," I agreed finally. "That shouldn't be hard."

  She peered at me for a moment longer, then shook her head.

  "You must be the only one in the known dimensions who doesn't know that song" she said. "Are you sure you're Skeeve? The Great Skeeve?"

  "Well ... yes. Do we know each other?"

  Realizing how stupid the question was, I hastened to modify it before she could answer.

  "No. I'm sure I would have remembered if we had met before."

  For some reason, my clumsy recovery seemed to please her.

  "That's sweet," she said, floating forward to run a soft hand along my cheek, light as a butterfly's touch. "No. I haven't had the pleasure. We have a mutual acquaintance, though. Do you remember a Djin named Kalvin?"

  "Kalvin? Sure. He gave me a hand a while back when I was on Perv."

  "On Perv, eh?" she said, looking lost in thought for a moment, but then she brightened. "Well he mentioned you and said that if I was ever out this way, I should drop in and say 'Hi' for him."

  "Really? That's nice of him ... I mean, you."

  I was pleasantly surprised by Kalvin's thoughtfulness. I don't get many social visitors from off world, mostly just those who are looking for help on one thing or another. It also occurred to me that I had never thought of dropping in to pay social calls to any of the various people I had met on my many adventures, and made a mental note to correct that situation.

  "So, how's Kalvin doing? Is he fitting back into life on Djinger okay after being gone so long?"

  "Oh. He's okay," the Djeanie said shrugging her shoulders ... which had an interesting effect on a shapely body in a harem outfit. "You know how it is. It always takes a while to get back in stride after a sabbatical."

  "Say ... if we're going to be talking for a while, would you mind enlarging to my size? It would make conversation easier."

  To be honest with you, after having watched what happened when she shrugged her shoulders, I was interested in seeing her body on a larger scale. If nothing else, it would get rid of the uncomfortable feeling that I was getting physically interested in a talking doll.

  "No problem," she said, and waved her arms.

  The air rippled and shimmered, and she was standing in front of me at my size. Well, actually, a little less than a head shorter than me, which placed me in the tantalizing position of looking down at her.

  "Say, is this a monastery or something?"

  "What? Oh. No, this is the Royal Palace of Possiltum." I said. "Why? Do I look like a monk?"

  That
was, of course, supposed to be a trick question. I was really rather proud of my wardrobe these days, and any monk who dressed the way 1 did was way out of line with his vows of poverty.

  "Not really," she admitted. "But you seem to be showing an awful lot of interest in my cleavage for someone who's supposed to be as well traveled as the Great Skeeve, Don't they have women on this dimension?"

  I guess I had been staring a bit, but hadn't expected her to notice ... or, if she did, to comment on it. However if there's one thing my years with Aahz have taught me, it's how to cover my shortcomings with words.

  "Yes, we have women here," I said with an easy smile. "Frankly, though, I think your cleavage would be stared at no matter what dimension you visited."

  She dimpled and preened visibly.

  "As starable as it is, however," I continued casually, "my actual interest was professional. Aside from Kalvin, you're the only native of Djinger that I've met, and I was wondering if that stunt you do changing size is a disguise spell, or if it's true shape shifting."

  Not bad for a quick out from an embarrassing situation, if I do say so myself. Anyway, Daphnie seemed to accept it.

  "Oh that," she said, shrugging her shoulders again. This time, however, I managed to maintain eye contact. No sense pushing my luck. "It's the real thing ... shape shifting, that is. It's one of the first things a Djin ... or, especially a Djeanie ... has to learn. When your whole dimension is in the wish biz, you've got to be able to cater to all kinds of fantasies."

  My mind went a little out of focus for a moment as it darted across several unprintable fantasies I could think of involving Daphnie, but she was still going.

  "It's not just size either ... well, height, I mean. We can shift to any proportions necessary for the local pinup standards. Check this out."

  With that, she proceeded to treat me to one of the most impressive arrays of female bodies I've ever seen ... except they were all her! In quick succession, she became willowy, then buxom, then long-legged, while at the same time changing her hair length and color, as well as changing her complexion from delicately pale to a darker hue than her normal cinnamon hue. I decided then and there that where ever this pinup dimension was, I should make a point of dropping in for a visit ... soon.