The Vampire Memoirs

by Mara Mccuniff

  I raced over to a dresser and searched desperately through the drawers, throwing out piles of clothes and papers and other bits of junk all over the floor until I found what I was looking for—a mirror.

  I was almost afraid to look. But without hesitation I thrust the glass before me and barely kept myself from crying out again in horror.

  My lips were already parted to reveal a mouthful of hideously sharp teeth—or at least, hideously sharp canines. My face was pale, sunken, and drawn, and it only made the eyes look that much worse. They were bright red—perhaps redder than Agyar's even, only they did not burn as his did when he used his power. I looked on this horrible image that could not be me—I would not let it be me. I tried to wish it away, but my face only got worse—paler, more sunken, more drawn—the harder I tried.

  I screamed again and let go of the mirror and heard it shatter at my feet. I was a monster. I was a hideous monster, with hideous thoughts going through my mind, and there was nothing I could do about it!

  "What's happened here?" a familiar voice called at my side. "Mara, did you cry out? Lara! But you should be—"

  "YYYOOUUUUU!" I roared, whirling to face Agyar. "YYOOUU did this to me! YYOOUU made me a monster! I'll kill you for this! I'll kill you!" I screamed, and threw myself at this thing that dared to call itself my husband.

  I went straight for his throat with my hands, which had actually become claws without my knowing it, and hoped to squeeze the life from him. He was taken by complete surprise, and I managed to catch hold of his throat and push him back, slamming him hard against the wall. His eyes widened in surprise and, I hoped, terror, and I listened for the sounds of his wheezing and hoped to see his face turn red.

  Neither came to pass. His eyes widened, all right, but only in surprise. If he was in any pain he did not show it as he slowly brought his arms up to my hands and forced them away from his throat. I tried with all my might to hold them in place, but I was too weak then, too hungry, and I'm certain he had already dined and therefore had all his strength about him.

  "Die, you monster!" I screamed. "In Gaar's name—die! DIE! DIE! DIE!…"

  I repeated that command over and over again, kicking and struggling at him all the while. But he remained completely calm, holding me firmly where I was, his eyes smoldering again, and my concentration was slowly being broken by his thoughts replacing my own.

  "DIE! Die! Die… Die… die… die…" I continued, each command growing softer and weaker as I watched his eyes. Soon I said nothing, but only watched him, and waited.

  He released my hands finally, and I let them drop limply to my sides.

  "I thought you would understand… by now," he said, shutting his eyes and letting his head fall back in exhaustion. "I thought you would see we are not—'monsters.'"

  "Monsters," I whispered. He straightened his head back up and smiled helplessly.

  "What has happened is part of the past now, Mara," he said. "You can change nothing. Killing me will change nothing.

  "I knew," he continued, "that you would remember, eventually, but not—everything. I tried to prepare your mind myself, but your memories… they must have been burned into your mind irreversibly. But that will not stop me; I can still teach you to love me."

  "Love you," I echoed. He nodded his head and smiled.

  "Yes," he said. "You will love me. No matter what you believe about Gaar, you will understand soon that you were never meant to be his wife."

  "Yes…"

  "No," he said firmly. "Not his. It was never his destiny to be immortal. It was yours. Yours, Mara; yours, and you will never die, but spend eternity with me, my forever young, forever beautiful companion. My immortal goddess…"

  "I wanted… blood…" I said. "Wanted to kill her…"

  "You would not kill her, Mara," he said. "When you feed, she will not die, but—only seem to. And when you are finished, she will rise again and be your servant forever."

  "Want to wake up…"

  "This is no dream, Mara," he said. "It's real. And resisting your hunger is quite pointless now. There's no turning back now. The longer you resist, the more ravenous you'll become, and—the more dangerous, as well."

  He turned me to face Lara, who was cowering by the dresser. She was shivering and covered in sweat.

  "Look at her, Mara," he whispered into my ear. "Smell her. Feel the blood flowing in her veins…"

  I was shivering and sweating now to match Lara. I don't know who was more frightened: the victim or the monster.

  "It's not a horrible thing, this hunger," he continued. "It's part of the price we must pay, that we must feed on the living. But does that not make us master of those we feed from? To fight it, to reject this hunger, only makes it worse. It makes us into its servant, and that must never be. If you cannot enjoy it, Mara, you must learn to accept it. So go on. There she is, Mara; there she is, waiting for you. Go on, Mara…"

  Tears were forming in her eyes, and my own tears were matching hers. I was almost convulsing now, I was shivering so hard.

  "Take it," he kept whispering to me, "Take what is rightfully yours, Mara!"

  I started to whimper, and Lara's tears and mine were flowing freely now. I felt my leg move forward, and I could not stop it, and soon both legs were forcing me forward hesitantly, and Lara tried to move away, but she was too afraid of Agyar's wrath to try.

  Spit was dripping from me when I reached her, and I touched her cheek gently with my hand, and I let it caress her face down to her neck. She gasped quietly and cringed a little, but could not get away. I heard Agyar say "Yesssss…" while I pulled her toward me slowly, very slowly, until my teeth were almost at her neck, and then

  "NOOO!" I screamed, and turned away from her and tried to rush at Agyar again, but all my strength left me, and I fell to the floor onto my hands and knees. "No! No! No! No!" I cried over and over, feebly striking the ground at each cry.

  Chapter 14

  I refused to take any of Lara's blood. And Agyar promised me that I would eat nothing at all until I did. Taking from an animal, as his creatures did, was "beneath" me, he explained, and I was only to take from people. I still refused, and I could tell that he was sorely tempted to just hypnotize me and force me to convert Lara, but he did not do so. No doubt he meant to "master" me without having to cheat, whenever possible.

  I asked to see Gaar's body. I wanted to see him for myself, to see if he really and truly was dead, and, if so, to ask his soul for forgiveness. I had betrayed him, and to this day it is something I must carry in my memory. Again I was refused; Agyar claimed that his body—what was left of it—had been thrown to the wolves. For the time being I chose to believe him, and asked if he would at least allow me to be alone for a few moments. Naturally he was suspicious.

  "I shall not try to escape," I said.

  "You couldn't if you tried, anyway," he said. "For I could call you back at any time."

  He spoke the truth. "Calling" works not only on people "but on the vampire whom one has converted, as well.

  "I only want to be alone right now," I said, rubbing my hands together. Agyar nodded slowly and made as if to leave, gesturing to Lara to follow him, when I noticed something different about my hands. They felt… naked.

  "Where are my rings?" I asked. He stopped and turned to face me.

  "Elsewhere," he said slowly. "I assumed they might bring back old memories too well."

  "I want them back," I said. "One of them was my wedding ring. I want it back."

  "That part of your life is over, Mar—"

  "Both of them, Agyar," I said slowly, firmly. "I want—them—back. Please."

  "Very well," he sighed. "I shall have them—" Then he stopped and cocked his head defiantly. "—brought to you when you decide to comply with my wishes."

  "What?"

  "You heard me, woman. You'll have them back when you do as you're told, and accept my gift," he said, referring to Lara.

  We glared at each other for several long, tense m
oments before I broke away.

  "Fine," I said softly, sitting daintily onto a couch. "So be it, then."

  "Then you will do as I ask?" he asked a little eagerly.

  "No," I said firmly. "I said nothing of the kind. Keep my rings. Keep everything that ever meant anything to me. Keep my soul, even! It's what you want, isn't it?"

  I turned away from him, but I could hear him open his mouth several times to speak.

  "No. It's not what I want," he said finally. "You do this to yourself, Mara. I want you to be happy here, yet you won't let me or anyone else help you—"

  "Help me?" I said. "Help me be happy? Leave me alone, then. Let me fend for myself from now on. Give me the things that belong to me and let me out of here!"

  "Don't be a fool, Mara. There's so much you don't understand about yourself yet, you'd be destroyed in an instant!"

  "Destroyed?" I said mockingly. "You said I couldn't be destroyed! I'm immortal now, right?"

  "Ageless, yes," he said. "But not—invincible. Steel will not destroy us, no, but there are… other things that can end our lives. So go out on your own, without understanding your weaknesses, and your first mistake would be your last."

  I folded my arms and looked down.

  "So… it seems that being a vanper—"

  "Vampire," he corrected.

  "Vampire…" I continued, "isn't as glorious as you made it seem. So what is there, Agyar? Fire? Cold? What will end our so-called endless existences?"

  I waited for the answers, but he only smiled coldly.

  "Those things…" he began, "will be made known to you in time. Some much sooner than others. Some will be obvious. For instance, yes, fire will burn us. But that's all I'll tell you for now."

  "I see," I sighed. "To keep me from trying to leave."

  "To make you understand better."

  "I'd still like to be alone, regardless."

  "Indeed," he said. "I'll give you that, then. And we'll see how long it takes before your hunger conquers your will."

  "Go to hell, my 'dear husband.'"

  He smiled again.

  "I already have, my dear wife. I already have."

  A predictable thing to say, but true. You see, as the first—the original—vampire, Agyar had gone through all sorts of horrors on his quest for immortality. Alchemy. Black and white magic. Bizarre, horrific rituals and journeys that apparently included a trip to hell and back. And finally, he reached his goal. He was ageless, immortal, but at the cost of his soul, not to mention a few other "inconveniences," as he put it.

  I was indeed still half starved by the end of the night, but I wasn't about to give in to him yet. I made plans to sneak away to where the servants slaughtered the animals for the next day, perhaps when Agyar was "in town," as he always was when Gaar and I were still together. But now he never seemed to be "in town."

  Morning was coming soon, and it took a while for it to sink in that I had really been up all night. I had never done that before, but apparently I had slept through the whole day after Agyar attacked me. He had told me earlier to be ready to go back to bed soon, but I knew I'd have a hard time as it was sleeping through those hunger pangs of mine, nor was I particularly interested in joining him any time soon for anything.

  I wanted to watch the sunrise before returning to bed. They were much nicer in Clovaine than in Castrill, in my opinion, which was actually about the only thing I liked better about this city—besides our balcony, of course.

  I was alone by the window, but somehow I felt as though Agyar were watching me from somewhere. But I couldn't tell from where; I eventually dismissed the feeling as silly suspiciousness.

  The sky was becoming lighter, and the stars were slowly disappearing, flickering out, a sight that never ceased to fascinate me. The characteristic blood-red of the presunrise sky filled the atmosphere, and I am ashamed to say that it was reminding me of the food I had missed.

  It was becoming so bright now, though. I couldn't understand it; the sun hadn't even risen and my eyes were starting to hurt. I held an arm up to help shade them, but as time went on, my arm began feeling hot. I pulled it away from my face, and, without such protection, my face was heating up, too. But the sun is not up yet, I thought to myself. How could it be so hot?

  The first ray of the sun poked over the distant mountains, and I couldn't help crying out as it stung into my eyes. I covered them with my hands and doubled over in my chair. Then I felt the heat on my scalp, and it felt as though my whole back was getting ready to burst into flames.

  Somebody grabbed my arm and yanked me off the chair, away from the window, away from the light. I remained doubled over, still covering my eyes and whimpering softly. The figure hefted me back onto my feet and brushed off my dress while I dared to find out if my eyes would still see.

  My blurry vision revealed Agyar before me, watching me expressionlessly.

  "Danger number two," he said. "Stay away from the sun."

  "Why?" I asked. "Why does it burn? Why didn't you tell me?"

  "I really don't know," he said. "I only know that it burns. And I wanted you to find out for yourself. That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

  "That's why you only saw us after sunset," I growled. "You were never 'in town' at all. Ohhh, if Gaar had only known that before—"

  "But he didn't," he said. "And now you're as I am. Unable to see the light of day ever again. So unless you'd like to stand here and wait for this whole room to be flooded, and die painfully, you will come with me—to our beds. To sleep in peace."

  I had little choice then but to obey him and keep my rage inside me, and let it boil.

  Chapter 15

  The next day—excuse me, night—was much like the first. More confrontations. More threats, more refusals; only I knew I couldn't fool myself for much longer. I was ravenous and still was not allowed to eat. As far as Agyar was concerned I was surrounded by food. And my first meal was already selected for me.

  I was not left with much time to myself that night. Agyar made certain to "call" me to him several times. Obviously he wanted me by his side, and I was far too weak to resist, even with vampire strength.

  It was all to make sure I didn't sneak away to the stables and take blood from the animals, you see. Two nights in a row I had to watch Agyar's creatures take their fill from their mugs, and two nights in a row I was not allowed to touch any of their food. I was breaking down, too, I could feel it, but I was damned before I'd let Agyar know that. He might have been closer to breaking than I was, for all I knew.

  "I'll starve myself, then," I threatened him after I'd been called. Agyar angered me even more by smirking.

  "You can't," he said. "You won't die."

  "I'm weak now. I'm sure I'll only keep getting weaker until I can no longer move, and that'll be the end."

  "No, my dear," he murmured. "It'll only be the beginning. You see, you'll grow weaker, all right, even to the point where you haven't the strength to move. But you will not die. You'll simply lie there, immobile, until by some miracle blood is given to you. Or perhaps it never will be. Perhaps you'll never feed again, and be forever immobile, an ageless, unliving statue."

  "How do you know this?" I asked, a chill going down my spine.

  "Because I have reached that point of immobility before," he said. "You forget, Mara; I have existed for some three thousand years, and I have seen and experienced far worse things than any mortal mind could imagine. I assure you; as to starvation, the feeling is not pleasant. It was centuries before I came into contact with blood again."

  "How?"

  He smiled coldly again.

  "A rather long and disturbing story," he said. "Perhaps I'll tell you some night. Needless to say I wouldn't advise self-starvation."

  Defeated again. I considered facing the sun—to burn myself to death—but I was certain Agyar would call me to him or pull me away before it killed me. But not before I'd suffered; I'm certain of that, too.

  The stone lid of my sarcophagus wou
ldn't budge. I took another breath, braced my hands against the lid, and pushed. No strength remained in my arms. My throat was absolutely burning with thirst, and it was agony for me to make even the slightest noise. It felt as though my tongue would crack in two if I dared move it, and I could swear that my cheeks had become brittle. It was over. It was all over.

  I heard a soft knocking from outside the coffin, and I tried again to lift the lid, but could barely make a sound. I threw my hand out with what little strength I had left to knock on the lid, but it didn't seem like any sound that could be heard.

  Some moments passed before I heard stone grinding against stone, and I opened my eyes to watch the lid move away from my sight. It was removed completely, and I lay there passively, waiting. Soon Agyar's face peered over the edge at me, but he said nothing, as though waiting for me to make the first move.

  I watched him for a time, gasping for breath and vainly trying to lick my lips. It was time now.

  "You win," I croaked, and almost coughed from the pain, but I couldn't even do that.

  "What was that?" he said, bending an ear to me. Bastard. He knew exactly what I said.

  "You win, damn you…" I whispered. "I give up," I added, and shut my eyes in pain. I felt hands and arms move under me, and I was lifted completely from the coffin and hefted up into his arms. I didn't want him to even touch me, but I had little choice at this point. He carried me up the steps and into the kitchen, past wide-eyed servants who hastily made way for "the master" and his nearly unconscious wife.

  I was carried through endless hallways, up the flight of stairs, through more halls, and back into the room I had been brought to that first night. He lay me gently onto the couch, and I could barely keep myself up as he left me there.