The Vampire Memoirs

by Mara Mccuniff

  My back was to the door when I heard it open, followed by the sound of somebody being shoved in; and then it slammed shut again. But I remained where I was. There was a brief pause before a familiar voice sounded behind me.

  "Mistress?" Lara said. "Are you all right? The master said—you needed me."

  I needed her, all right. Oh, gods, how I needed her. I remained where I was, and the girl—the foolish little girl—moved around the couch to face me. She even dared to sit beside me. I had my head down and my eyes shut, and I felt her hand reach out to my chin.

  "Mistress?" she said as I raised my head and opened my eyes to look at her. Gods, she was just a child…

  "For-give me," I croaked, and lunged forward with everything I had. She screamed once and fell backward, and my teeth searched for and found her throat, and the vein that would feed me.

  Blood poured into my mouth—hot, fresh, young blood, and all of it was mine. Despite my weakness horses could not have pulled us apart in that moment. I was beyond rational thought the moment I tasted the girl's thick red life juice, and I just kept on sucking, and sucking, and sucking, and I imagined that I could have sucked her completely inside out if I'd wanted to.

  I hadn't bothered hypnotizing her first. I had not learned to do that yet, and I was too ravenous to care, anyway. I simply dove in and drank. But she did not fight back. Yes, she screamed once, but more out of surprise than horror or fear, I'm sure. Eventually she started making soft, sighing sounds the way I had when I had been bitten, and they grew weaker, and softer, the more blood I took.

  Then she made no sounds. No movement. No pulse. Nothing. She was dead now; I had killed her, but that was what she had been prepared for all her life, it seems. She expected it, and I suspect that she even wanted it, in a way. Damn him, I thought. Damn him and his grotesque world of blood and death.

  I finished the feeding. I drained her dry in less than five minutes, and I let myself fall off the couch and onto the floor in exhaustion. And there was still more blood—on the couch, on the floor, on her, on me. I shut my eyes tight and gasped for breath. I wanted so much to sleep now.

  The door opened again—slowly, quietly. I kept my eyes shut; I already knew who it was. He knelt beside me and placed a hand on my chest. I sighed loudly to let him know I was awake.

  "I'm sorry it had to come to this," he said. "It could have been such a pleasant experience, if you'd only let it."

  "You're right," I said, my eyes still shut. "Everything that's happened to me is my fault. All my own."

  "It is," he agreed. The idiot. "But I hope you've learned your lesson."

  "Do whatever you want to me, Agyar," I said. "You win. There's nothing worse you could possibly do to me."

  "As I said before, you do these things to yourself. But here," he said, taking my hand and placing something in it. "You wanted these. They're yours now."

  I rolled my rings over and over again in my hand while the door opened again, and I could tell by the stench that his creatures had come in.

  "She's over there," said Agyar. "Take her and prepare her."

  I opened my eyes to see some of the creatures taking Lara from the couch and head for the door.

  "Wait," I murmured. Agyar motioned for them to stop.

  "What is it?"

  "Not like them," I said. "I don't want her to be like them. Like those creatures of yours. I want her mind intact. I want there to still be a Lara that I can talk to. Please."

  "Very well," he said, then: "Leave her mind!" to the creatures. The door closed again, and we were alone.

  "Well," he said. "Are you just going to lie there all night?"

  "For a while, at least."

  "Very well," he said. "But only for a few minutes. Then I want you to wash yourself off and join me on the roof. I have many things to show you there. Wonderful things," he whispered.

  "As you wish," I said in a dead tone. The war was over, and Agyar was the victor, that much was certain.

  Chapter 16

  I changed into a bright green dress that was laid out for me. I had assumed that my clothes for the night would be chosen by him at all times in the future—I was right, too.

  He stood by one of the towers on the roof, in the darkness, and waited for me. I approached him silently, my eyes to the ground. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek lightly, but I gave him no reaction.

  "You look lovely," he said.

  "Thank you."

  "So…" he said, "Now is the time for you to learn the wonders of what you are. You seem to think only of the disadvantages to being a vampire. But tonight you'll see how glorious it can truly be."

  "As you wish."

  "Watch me, Mara. Watch me, and learn."

  I watched him, and he stepped away from me quickly and lowered his head slightly, and his eyes turned up to gaze at me intensely. They began to smolder, and I assumed he meant to hypnotize me again—for whatever reason, I didn't care anymore, but my mind was untouched. Instead I watched as his features and form seemed to begin melting, shifting, and I furrowed my brow in disbelief, wondering if he really was playing with my thoughts.

  His face was growing longer, thinner, his dark hair spreading all across his face and body. His hands shortened and his feet lengthened, his body contracted and grew leaner, and a tail of all things was growing from his rear. He let his body drop until he stood on all fours, like an animal, but then, he was an animal. A wolf.

  I should have cried out in horror, least of all surprise, but I made no noise. The entire transformation lasted some five seconds, and my gaze never left it for an instant. I had seen all of it, he couldn't have tricked me—or could he? I didn't know yet how subtle his mind manipulations could be.

  Our eyes locked together for an endless time, this wolf's and mine, yet nothing was said, no sound was made. And then—much faster than before—he transformed back. Transformed back into Agyar. He moved close to me and placed his arm around my waist, much to my revulsion.

  "You share this power with me, Mara," he said. "You, too, have power over the animals of darkness, of the night. Come; I'll help you through your first change."

  "I'd rather not."

  "But I want you to, Mara. You will change."

  I shut my eyes slowly and sighed.

  "As you wish," I whispered.

  "Think of the wolf, Mara. Think of its form, its shape. Think of its color and smell. Now think of yourself. Think of your form, your shape, your color and smell. Now think of you and the wolf, coming together, joining, merging, until both of you remain, but as one. As the wolf, but with your thoughts, your mind. That's it. Breathe deeply, and think of the wolf. Now you—now the wolf. Bring them together, Mara. Let them be one!"

  I did exactly as he told me. I thought of wolves, limited as my knowledge of them was at the time, and concentrated on making my form match its. Then I would feel a strange, quivering sensation at the back of my skull, and I could feel my eyes glazing over and a trancelike feeling beginning to set in. Then I would feel parts of my body begin to move, and once that began I panicked and broke concentration. I would then have to start over, trying to make myself get used to that unsettling feeling of physical metamorphosis.

  This was my fourth attempt. I was beginning to change again, and I almost panicked again, but I shut my eyes tight and bit my lip—or at least tried to, and let myself fall onto all fours. I continued thinking of wolves, and thinking of myself as one, until I heard Agyar's voice again.

  "Excellent," he said, and I opened my eyes wide.

  It is difficult to understand what it is to see as a wolf unless one has directly experienced it oneself. It is an entirely different world. Colors mean virtually nothing here, for they are not as clear as in human vision. Here shapes and forms make up the wolf's world, or at least of the vampire as a wolf.

  I found myself staring at two dark columns directly ahead of me, until I raised my head, watching the columns join together and thicken, ending some four feet above me in
a spheroid shape. It was Agyar, and here I was seeing him as he actually was—a joining of columns and spheres and box-shapes of different sizes and thicknesses. His body was black, his skin gray, and his eyes white, but no other colors were noticeable to me.

  "You make a beautiful wolf," he said. Even his voice sounded different—much sharper and clearer. And louder. "Fur of the purest gray, and silver. This is what you were meant for, Mara," he continued, and I watched his shape begin to blur and shift, until within a few seconds we were watching each other eye-to-eye. Two wolves standing beside each other in the moonlight. If I hadn't loathed him as I did, I might have considered it romantic.

  "We shall run together in the night," I heard him say directly to my mind. Ah, I thought. We can think to each other. I made a promise to myself to guard my thoughts whenever we transformed.

  "Come with me," he thought, and turned away to head for the stairs. I followed him silently.

  He led me to a hill overlooking the town. As usual only the barest flicker of light escaped some of the homes as we looked. They were quite distant from us, but I could see much farther, much clearer as the wolf.

  I heard the howls of other wolves far off near the mountains, and even contemplated answering them, but I fought off the urge, realizing how silly that would make me look.

  Then Agyar opened his mouth and howled himself. It was a long, low howl, and when he stopped, a dead silence followed, until, from the mountains again, more howls came. I wondered if Agyar was going to answer again, but he turned and looked at me expectantly.

  "Me?" I thought to him. He nodded.

  "I'd… rather not," I protested.

  "Answer them, Mara."

  "But I don't even know what they're asking."

  "They're not 'asking' anything," he thought. "They're taking each other's measure. And they need to be reminded that we are still their masters. Answer them!"

  I licked my lips once and cleared my throat—or at least as much as a wolf can clear its throat. I looked at Agyar again, who was sending flashes of anger and impatience to me, and then opened my mouth and howled.

  I had to stop myself and try again, the first howl was so feeble and high-pitched. Agyar rolled his eyes in exasperation, and I tried again, but for my sake, not his. My second howl showed improvement, but I doubt if it would have made any wolf turn tail and run in terror. It probably would have laughed, instead.

  We waited under the moonlight, and soon more howls sounded from the distance.

  Agyar shook his head. "They don't even acknowledge you," he thought.

  "But they howled back."

  "Not to you, fool. They're back to measuring each other."

  "How do you know that?"

  "Because I've been doing this for centuries now, remember? I've learned the ways of the wolf, and I've mastered them. And you will, too, if I can help it. I don't want them to start dunking they can come here and terrorize my people."

  Personally I wanted to cause him more trouble by being the most incompetent wolf I could, but then I began thinking of what else he might be able to do to me. He knew what we could and couldn't do, what hurt us and what didn't, and I knew barely anything. I had little choice but to obey him—at least until I, too, learned "the ways of the wolf."

  "As you wish, Agyar," I thought, and I felt a twinge of pleasure and triumph coming from him.

  I wondered if we were going to have to run all the way back to the house, and I believe I sent this question to him as we listened to the wolves. He shook his head slowly, however.

  "We're going back as humans?" I sent.

  "Not humans, my dear," he thought. "We'll be flying back soon."

  "Umm… I thought wolves couldn't fly."

  "They can't. But we can. Watch," he thought, and I turned to see him transform back into his old self. Then he held his arms straight out and leapt into the air, and in an instant his form shifted again, a smaller, darker form, and one with wings. If I had been able to catch all the details of his transformation, I would relate them to you, but it was quite fast and the lack of light did not help my vision.

  Agyar shot away from me like an arrow, and I heard a horrible, high-pitched shriek come from him before he soared back around to head for our small hilltop. I expected him to land, but first he shot over my head, forcing me to duck, and flew away to circle back again.

  When he landed, it was obvious that this form was not well equipped for standing or squatting on flat land. He spread his wings in an attempt to balance himself, and from this pose I was able to determine the shape of a huge, black bat.

  He transformed back a little slower, perhaps because he didn't have to worry about falling to the ground as when he first transformed. I was still a wolf, and he knelt down and lifted my chin to face him better.

  "Change back," he said.

  "Don't know how," I sent.

  "The same way you became the wolf," he said "Only picture yourself as you were, and make your form fit that image."

  I nodded in comprehension and concentrated. I had forgotten about the unsettling sensation of my body shifting, but I stayed any panic and allowed the metamorphosis to complete itself. However, I forgot to stand up while changing and was on all fours still when the process was done. I heard Agyar chuckling a little as he helped me up.

  "This time will be a little more difficult," he said, "because it must be quick. Otherwise you won't change before you hit the ground, and you'll be stuck flapping about like a dying fish."

  I nodded again in comprehension.

  "Now take a deep breath, close your eyes, and hold your arms out. That's it. Now do not think of the wolf this time, but of the bat. Think of leathery wings forming from your fingers, your body becoming smaller and leaner, a winged tail forming below. Think of your features changing, your nose lengthening and flattening, your ears pulling up and back on your skull, enlarging themselves. Are you thinking of all of this?"

  "Yes," I whispered.

  "Good. Now do not break your concentration for an instant, but when I give the word, think of the bat as I described to you, hovering over your form, covering it, enveloping it, transforming it. And leap as high as you can into the air, and at that instant change, and soar into the night."

  I kept all the images in mind, and waited for his signal. Strange how I felt no fear or anticipation in that moment; I was simply waiting. In retrospect I believe Agyar may have been much subtler at manipulating my mind than I had given him credit for. Perhaps he had suppressed my fear for me.

  "Fly!" he cried suddenly, and without hesitation I leapt as high as I could, which to my surprise was some fifteen feet, and concentrated. I felt my hands and fingers stretching and webbing up, my nose pulling out and pushing up, ears lengthening, teeth shrinking and sharpening, tongue thinning and lengthening, my whole body molding itself to the image I held in my mind.

  For an instant I felt lighter than air, until I realized I was indeed falling, and must do something about it quickly. Instinctively I began flapping my arms about, and the falling stopped, and I felt myself shooting forward into the air.

  It was then that I finally opened my eyes, and I shrieked in terror as the dark ground rushed beneath me in a blur.

  And my panic only made me flap faster, which made me fly higher and faster. Now what? I thought How am I supposed to get back? I don't know how to steer!

  "Slow down!" I heard in my mind. It was Agyar's voice. I dared not turn to look, but I knew he was close to me, flying after me with his own leathery wings.

  "Slow down or you'll drop from exhaustion!" he sent. I could only send him sensations of panic, however, and I shrieked some more. A second later I heard a faint shriek come straight back at me from the distance, and I wondered just how many bats were flying about here, anyway?

  "Stop that screaming and slow down!" he sent again. I could feel him trying to send sensations of calmness, of control, but my mind was not acknowledging them very well.

  I shifted my weight
to the side a little, and found myself turning at high speed toward the forest. Nothing like a good, solid tree to stop one's maniacal flying, I thought to myself. I shifted my weight again to turn away from it, which worked fairly well. I skimmed by the edge of the forest, fortunately missing any trees in the process. Agyar was still behind me, still strongly suggesting that I calm down. Well, I had no idea where I was by now, anyway, which I related to him as best as I could.

  "Follow my voice," he sent, and I heard a quick shriek to my left. I turned as best as I could toward the sound, and more shrieks followed, sometimes to the left, sometimes directly ahead or to the right.

  At last we reached the hilltop, but then I still had no idea how to stop. Agyar landed gracefully, transforming as he hovered and setting gently down onto his feet. I, on the other hand, went screaming by the hill and had to circle around to try again.

  Apparently we cannot use telepathy while in human form and I heard him shout "lift your—!" Uncertain as to what I was supposed to lift, I decided to at least try and slow down. I dropped my tail and headed for the hill in what might as well have been a dive bomb. Agyar was flailing his arms about, probably to get me to stop, no doubt, but it was too late. I was coming in fast, and, much to my chagrin, had no idea how to stop myself.

  Ahh, thank God for soft ground. Of course, it felt like a stone wall when I hit it, but I knew it could have been much worse. I plowed onto the hill facefirst, rocks and sand flying into my eyes, ears, nose, and mouth and scraping me up a bit, too. When I finally stopped skidding along I just lay there in the din, wondering what I had done to deserve this existence. I had never asked for what Agyar offered me—at least not willingly.

  I felt myself being lifted from the dirt and turned over. Agyar had knelt down and laid me onto his knee. I felt like a baby then, and I wasn't sure if I liked it, either.

  "I said, lift your tail," he said. "You let it drop."

  He could have asked if I was all right, at least. I stuck out my hideously long tongue and tried to lick the blood off my face.