Monkey Business

by Anna Wilson

  Mum sighed and picked up some bags.

  Once inside the house, Flo made a beeline for Hammer’s cage, as ever, and started fussing over him and calling him ‘the cleverest little cutie-pie in the world’ because he could sit up on his hind legs and she thought he was begging for food when he did this. Felix thought it was because it was the only way he could see what was going on outside his cage.

  Dyson jumped up and licked Zed and tried to get inside the food bags.

  Colin meanwhile sat on the bottom stair in the hall and glared at all of them as if they had invaded his private sanctuary and ruined his peace and quiet. Which, in a way, they had.

  ‘What’s on the menu, Clive?’ Mum asked, kicking her shoes off.

  ‘We’re having beany-cheese crunch,’ said Zed. ‘Cool with that?’

  Mum shrugged. ‘It could be cheesy-bean crunch, or crunchy-bean cheese,’ she said. ‘I don’t really mind, as long as someone else is cooking it.’

  ‘There’s not any actual real beans in it, is there?’ asked Flo, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. Hammer was running up and down her arm wildly as she spoke. ‘Only I am not Keen On Beans of any kind. In fact, even thinking about beans can actually make me sick. Like this,’ she added, clutching her throat with a free hand and rasping and choking.

  Hammer went berserk at the noise and tried to run up Flo’s sleeve.

  ‘Yeek!’ screamed Flo, grabbing the poor hamster and holding on to him a bit too tightly.

  ‘Flo!’ cried Felix. ‘Put Hammer back in his cage.’

  ‘I think I might, yes,’ said Flo, hastily dropping Hammer in and shutting the door firmly.

  Mum was rolling her eyes and pursing her lips which was something she often did, and seemed to do more and more when Flo was around. ‘Flora, I don’t think it’s very polite of you to comment on someone else’s cooking like that. Particularly when you are a guest and Clive has been very kind—’

  Zed cut in quickly to avoid a stand-off between Mum and Flo: ‘Oh, these beans won’t make you sick,’ he said confidently. ‘They’re magic beans.’

  Flo turned her award-winning scowl on Zed and said sneerily, ‘Yeah, right.’ Her eyes were narrowed so much that they were just slits.

  But they popped wide open again when Silver lifted up a wodge of Flo’s blonde curls and whispered in her ear, ‘Chocolate brownies and strawberries for afters. Awesome or what?’

  Flo beamed. Even she did not have an answer to that.

  ‘OK,’ said Flo. ‘I’ll help with the tea. Felix, you and Zed can start the research and then I’ll come and see what you have done.’

  Felix thought this was a bit Typical of Flo, leaving the actual work part of things to him. But he very quietly breathed a huge sigh of relief as Flo disappeared with Silver and Mum. He was glad of the chance to be alone with Zed: he had to talk to him about this elephant business in private. It was Doing His Head In, as Merv would say.

  ‘So, you ready, dude?’ Zed asked him, making his way into the study where Mum’s computer was. He pulled out the swivelly chair and leaned down to switch on the computer. ‘We’ll do the Google thing first, yeah?’ he said, grinning at Felix.

  Felix gave his uncle a sideways glance and shuffled from foot to foot.

  Zed put his head on one side. ‘What’s up?’ he asked.

  Felix stared at the floor and concentrated hard on not panicking. The thumping in his chest had reached a level of such painfulness that he wondered if it might explode in a minute.

  ‘Come on, dude, I know something’s up – tell me!’ Zed insisted, putting a large warm hand on Felix’s shoulder.

  Felix chewed his lip. He could not meet Zed’s eye.

  How am I going to say this? he thought.

  Then: ‘I – Idon’twantyoutoadoptmeanelephant!’ It all came out in a rush before he could think of a better way of putting it.

  ‘You don’t want me to?’ Zed repeated. ‘Well, that’s cool. We can look at other animals instead if you like.’

  Felix felt a warm rush of affection for his uncle. Why had he been so worried about talking to Zed? Nothing was ever complicated with Zed. He didn’t get suspicious and say, ‘What are you up to?’ He just asked a question and, when you gave him an answer, he accepted it and that was that. Felix suddenly knew everything was going to be OK. He took a deep breath and went on: ‘There’s another thing I’m rather worried about too, now I come to think of it.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I don’t think we should tell Mum about any kind of Actual Adoption as she’s not likely to be keen what with Dyson and Colin and Hammer and all the cleaning out she says she has to do,’ Felix said.

  ‘OK,’ said Zed slowly, swinging round on the chair to face the computer screen. ‘But tell me,’ he went on, ‘why the change of plan about the elephant, man?’

  Felix hoisted himself up on to the desk and swung his legs awkwardly. ‘I just think they’re too big,’ he said.

  ‘But that’s no problem, is it?’ Zed said, looking puzzled.

  ‘Well, I think it is a problem really,’ Felix said. ‘I did try last night to see how big a Real Live Elephant would be – I started to build one using those cardboard boxes Dad has been keeping in the shed – but once I had built one leg there was no more room. I didn’t even get to do the body. And then there’s those ears and the trunk. Those beasts are utterly ginormous!’

  ‘Wow, that’s a cool idea – building a cardboard elephant!’ Zed grinned. ‘I still don’t get what the problem is, though.’

  Felix sighed. Why didn’t Zed understand? He had been to Africa – he knew how big elephants were. He must see that there was no room for one in Felix’s house, and it certainly was not possible to hide one anywhere. Felix’s heart had started up again. He blinked and swallowed hard.

  Zed was frowning at him. ‘You OK, man? You’ve gone kind of green.’

  Felix nodded and gulped in some air. ‘Fine,’ he croaked.

  Zed shook his head and turned to face the screen. He clicked on the Internet icon. ‘Hey, no worries. If you’ve changed your mind, it’s no sweat to me. Let’s have a look at the WWF site. There are, like, heaps of other animals that need help.’

  Felix turned his head so he could see the screen better.

  It’s OK, he told himself. Maybe I can get Zed to adopt me a monkey after all. Cos a monkey is bound not to be so much work as an elephant, he reasoned, and definitely not as big. And I already know loads about monkeys and what they like to eat and stuff. And then when I tell Flo I don’t want an elephant any more I can at least say I’ve chosen something else instead. In fact, he thought, brightening slightly, I might be able to say, ‘We are getting monkeys this time as they are the best animals to start a zoo with. We can get the elephant later.’ She might forget all about the elephant and the zoo once we have the monkeys, he thought hopefully.

  But then he suddenly remembered the look of determination on Flo’s face when she had first thought of the whole idea. He shivered. He did not want to make Flo angry: she was his best friend ever, and if she got cross with him he would have to go back to digging holes to Australia on his own at break-time.

  ‘Look at this!’ Zed cried, interrupting his miserable thoughts. His uncle was pointing at the screen excitedly. ‘There’s tigers and polar bears and rhinos—’

  ‘Anything smaller?’ Felix asked, anxiously scanning the list.

  ‘Listen, if it’s the cost you’re worried about . . .’ Zed began, looking at Felix’s concerned expression.

  ‘No – not that,’ Felix said. ‘I just think, well, adopting a smaller animal would be easier.’

  Zed laughed and shook his head. ‘You kill me, man! Anyone would think you were going to invite it to live with you right here!’

  Felix frowned. Was this one of Zed’s jokes maybe? Felix had always had trouble working out when Zed was joking and when he wasn’t. Like the time Zed told Felix that bananas grew in the ground like potatoes. Felix loved bananas, so h
e’d taken one from the fruit bowl and dug a hole in the garden and planted the banana in the hope that he’d soon have his very own banana plant right outside the back door. When he’d told his uncle what he’d done, Zed had laughed so much that he had keeled over on to the floor. Felix went red at the memory. Yes, he decided, his uncle was teasing him again. Of course he was going to invite the animal to ‘live right here’ – where else would it go?

  ‘So, what other animals are there, then?’ Felix asked.

  ‘What about gorillas?’ Zed asked.

  Felix twisted his mouth to one side thoughtfully. ‘Hmm,’ he said, ‘gorillas are cool. In fact, it says in my book on apes that gorillas are very intelligent—’

  ‘Whoa – this is one heavy guy!’ said Zed, who had been clicking his way through a load of pictures on the screen and had stopped at a picture of a very moody-looking silver-backed gorilla called Kabirizi. ‘It says here that this guy is the “main male in a family of endangered mountain gorillas”,’ said Zed, reading the information. ‘And, oh man! Listen to this! “An adult male gorilla can weigh as much as two hundred kilos!” Sheesh! I would not like to meet one of them on a dark night. Two hundred!’

  ‘Is that a lot?’ said Felix. He knew Dyson weighed about twenty-five kilos because the vet had weighed him the last time he’d been in for his vaccinations. ‘How much do you weigh?’ he asked his uncle.

  Zed laughed. ‘Under half of what this dude does – I’m around seventy kilos,’ he said.

  Felix’s eyes bulged. A gorilla was twice the size of Zed! And Zed was already the tallest man Felix knew – his legs went on forever.

  ‘OK, definitely not a gorilla then,’ Felix said, shaking his head vigorously.

  ‘An orang-utan?’ Zed asked. ‘Look at this hairy guy. Says here that “orang-utan” means “man of the forest”.’

  Felix read the information out loud: ‘“Orangutans spend nearly all of their time in the trees. Every night they make nests, from branches and foliage in which they sleep. They are more solitary than other apes.” What does “solitary” mean?’ he asked.

  ‘Means they’re loners – they don’t like company,’ Zed explained.

  Felix peered at the photo of the fluffy, scruffy, orange ape on the screen. ‘That could be a good thing,’ he said thoughtfully. After all, he wouldn’t be able to have an orang-utan living inside the house with Dyson and Colin and Hammer anyway, not to mention with Mum and Dad and Merv. And if orang-utans liked sleeping in nests in the trees, there were two or three fantastic climbing trees out in the garden. Yes! The more Felix thought of it, the more he just knew that an orangutan would be a much easier animal to look after than an elephant. Mind you, there was something about the expression on the orang-utan’s face that reminded Felix a bit of Merv first thing in the morning. Felix frowned. He hoped the ape would not be as moody as his older brother.

  ‘Hey, look at this one!’ Zed hooted, pointing to a particularly fuzzy creature. ‘He’s called “Regis”. What a great name! You could call him “Reggie”.’

  But Felix was not listening. He was already completely captivated by what he was reading on screen. Regis had been in a really bad way before the WWF had found him: he’d been raised by humans who had mistreated him and not given him enough food. How could anyone be so mean to such a clever, fun-loving animal? Felix had already made up his mind. He didn’t care about the elephant idea any more. He didn’t care what Flo said. He didn’t even care if she went off with Millie Hampton and the Girly Pink Brigade and left him digging all the way to Australia on his own. He had decided: he was going to adopt an orang-utan. And not just any orang-utan. He was going to adopt Regis, bring him home and look after him forever.

  9

  FLO

  GOES APE

  Over tea, Mum and Silver and Zed got into a long and boring discussion about Energy. Felix didn’t bother trying to follow the details of it. He knew that Zed thought people used too much of it and Mum thought Felix had too much of it. That’s where he stopped trying to understand.

  The one good thing about Boring Conversations was that they could be used as a cover for Much More Important Conversations. Felix leaned in close to Flo and told her about Regis.

  ‘Flo,’ he started in a low and determined tone, ‘I need to talk to you urgently.’

  ‘So do I!’ said Flo, flicking a cautious look at the grown-ups. ‘Silver says I might have been a monkey in a Previous Life. Apparently there is this thing called ree-in-kar-nay-shun, which I think is a different language and which means that you can have a life as an animal before or even after your life as a human, anyway—’

  ‘Flo, it is animals that I need to talk to you about. Really, really urgently,’ Felix hissed.

  ‘Oh! Did you do it? Has Zed found you an elephant? What did he say about feeding it?’ Flo asked. She was suddenly so excited that she did not seem to mind that Felix had interrupted her.

  ‘That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about,’ Felix went on, his brain whirring as he tried to think of the most persuasive way of telling Flo that she was not going to get what she had thought she was getting, but something a whole lot better instead.

  ‘Go on then!’ Flo urged. She was shifting the bean part of her beany-cheese crunch from one side of the plate to the other to make it look as though she was eating it while dropping bits surreptitiously on the floor in Dyson’s direction.

  ‘What is in this? I can’t see anything that is truly real food for humans,’ Flo muttered.

  ‘It’s OK once you get used to it. Put ketchup on it,’ Felix advised, pushing the bottle towards her.

  Flo shook her head violently and pulled an I-am-disgusted face. ‘You were saying – about the elephant?’

  ‘Actually it’s an orang-utan,’ Felix blurted out.

  ‘What’s an orang-utan?’ Flora asked, frowning in puzzlement.

  ‘The elephant – it’s not an elephant any more, it’s an orang-utan,’ said Felix.

  Flo gave a growl that sounded like an angry cat and pushed her plate away. ‘Are you telling me that we are not getting an elephant?’ she asked.

  Felix crossed his arms grumpily and said rather loudly, forgetting that he didn’t want Mum to be listening, ‘I just think an elephant is a stupid idea – there is no way there is room for it in the house OR the garden! I have tried with cardboard boxes and it is what Dad would call a No Brainer. Whereas I have at least three trees which would fit an orang-utan and which are very fantastic for climbing, and that is what orang-utans like.’

  Flo stared at Felix very hard. Felix shuffled his chair back from the table. He was worried that she might be able to melt him or zap him into tiny pieces with a stare like that. But he kept his resolve and said firmly: ‘It’s my birthday, and I don’t want an elephant. I’ve decided. I want an orang-utan. He’s been mistreated by nasty humans and he needs a good home. And he’s called Reggie.’

  ‘REGGIE?’ Flo exploded. ‘What kind of a stupid grandad-type name is that? You are a weirdo, Felix Stowe.’

  The grown-ups round the table had gone very quiet and were all watching this spectacle. Zed was the first to break the silence. ‘Hey, guys – don’t you like my cooking?’ he asked.

  Felix felt hot around the ears. ‘No! I mean, yes, I do. Flo is just a Fussy Eater, that’s all.’

  Flo made a noise halfway between a gasp and a shout and crossed her arms grumpily. ‘You are being horrible!’ she cried. ‘And I hate you and I hate beans and cheese and crunch and I absolutely TOTALLY hate orang-utans!’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Mum asked sharply.

  ‘Erm, Flo – ever had your hair braided?’ Silver interrupted hastily.

  ‘No. Why?’ Flo asked with narrowed eyes.

  ‘Well, I brought some stuff along to show you – wanna see?’ Silver asked, pushing her chair back. ‘Can we be excused, Marge?’ she asked Mum.

  ‘Good idea,’ Mum said enthusiastically. ‘Felix can help me clear these plates and bring t
he pudding over.’

  Zed winked at Felix. He waited until Flo and Silver had left the room and then whispered, ‘Girls, eh? Will we ever understand them?’

  Felix shook his head unhappily.

  ‘Be cool, man,’ said Zed. ‘Whatever it is, nothing is a match for Silver’s hair-braiding and chocolate brownies. Flo’ll be a pushover after that, just you see.’

  They went into the kitchen with the dirty plates and helped Mum stack the dishwasher and wash up the pots and pans and then they collected the strawberries and brownies to take back out to the table.

  ‘If we’re quick enough, we might be able to get a helping in while the girls are doing their hair,’ Zed teased, reaching for the plate of brownies and snaffling a couple.

  ‘Down, Dyson! Chocolate is really bad for dogs,’ Felix cried, pushing Dyson’s snout away from the plate.

  ‘Down, Zed, as well for that matter!’ Silver admonished. She had reappeared with a transformed Flo.

  Felix nearly choked on the chunk of broken-off brownie Zed had shoved his way. Flo looked like a frightened hedgehog who had fallen into a magpie’s nest and come out covered in bits of foil and multicoloured rubbish.

  ‘Wha—?’ Felix blurted out.

  ‘Ah,’ said Mum, biting her lip and trying not to laugh.

  ‘Doesn’t she look great?’ Silver cut in quickly.

  ‘Er,’ said Felix.

  ‘So. What’s up?’ Flo said casually, twirling a braid round her fingers and standing kind of sideways, with one hand on one hip: a position that she obviously thought made her look very grown-up and sophisticated. Like one of those people on the posters Merv had in his room. Not that Felix had ever had a proper close-up look at those posters, as Merv didn’t let anyone go into his room. He had a handwritten notice on his door that said ‘Come in here and you’re dead’, which sort of put Felix off.

  Felix puffed noisily to cover up the panicky laughter fit that was building momentum in his chest.