Monkey Business

by Anna Wilson

  Zed coughed loudly and said, ‘Last one to the table gets NO chocolate!’

  10

  FELIX GOES

  BANANAS

  The next morning Flo told Felix that the minute she had got home her mum had made her take all the braids and bits of ribbon and beads out of her hair.

  ‘And if it wasn’t for the fact that having braids in your hair looks Totally Mega Lush, I am really not altogether positive that I will be going through that all over again in a hurry.’

  Her mum had tugged and pulled so hard that Flo said she was sure her eyes were going to actually fall out of her head and roll on to the floor. ‘It felt like my head was truly bleeding. I said to Mum, “You will have to take me to the Accident and Emergency place which is called A and E and they will make you sign a form to say that you have hurt your own child.”’

  But Mrs Small had not been worried about going to the A and E. She had been more worried about Flo ‘looking like a rubbish tip’ and had washed Flo’s hair twice, which was not something Flo liked happening even once. The result of all the pulling and brushing and washing was that Flo’s hair was extremely fly-away-ish the next day.

  ‘Well, it serves you right, Flora Eleanor Small!’ Her mum was still going on about it when they reached the pedestrian crossing right outside the school gates. ‘I mean, I do not wish to be rude about your uncle’s girlfriend, Felix, but doing Flora’s hair like that on a school night? It is quite obvious that she does not have children of her own! And, Flora, you KNOW your teachers will not put up with—’

  ‘Oh-KAY, Mum!’ Flora interjected. ‘Gotta go now – the bell’s gone.’

  Flo rolled her eyes at Felix as they leaped from the car, dragging their rucksacks behind them.

  ‘Honestly, Mum is being quite impossible at the moment,’ Flo huffed as she and Felix made it to the classroom with seconds to spare. ‘And you should have heard her ranting when I just mentioned that it might be nice to have an orangutan as a pet. I think to start with she thought my Extremely Brilliant Idea about the orang-utan was all a big joke. She laughed even more than a hyena when I told her that the reason for my Extremely Brilliant Idea was that Silver had said I had possibly been a monkey in a previous life, so it made sense that I would totally and utterly understand a monkey’s brainwaves. And then Mum realized that I was absolutely deadly serious, so she just screamed at me about how it was a shame that I didn’t put as much effort into my General Good Behaviour as I did into coming up with crazy idiotic make-believe plans and that I was old enough now to really know better.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Felix. His eyes were out on stalks. He was sorely tempted to correct Flo over the minor detail that it had in fact been his Extremely Brilliant Idea to adopt an orang-utan instead of an elephant. But then he remembered Flo’s mood from the night before.

  ‘So,’ he said tentatively, ‘you reckon . . . an orang-utan?’

  Flo arched one eyebrow at Felix and said, ‘Absolutely. An orang-utan will make a perfect pet. After all you can play games with an orangutan, Silver says. Silver says they are so intelligent. That would make sense about me being an ape in a previous life. Did you know they can actually work a computer? And Silver says that they make tools like humans do. Orang-utans make umbrellas for themselves out of big leaves when it rains, and they use sticks to get honey from beehives. They are very, very brainy. Silver says orang-utans have hands like humans! Not like – I don’t know – elephants, for example, which do not even have hands and are so big and difficult to manage as pets. And they are used to being on their own because they are Solitary Beasts, so if we adopt one it will not be missing a huge family of other orang-utans, unlike an elephant, which lives in a group so it would miss all its relations. Honestly, who on earth would want something as huge as an elephant for a pet?’ And she roared with laughter as if the whole idea was the most preposterous idea any living person could ever have.

  ‘Right,’ said Felix.

  He couldn’t help thinking that he had been let off very lightly. He had been expecting Flo to make him suffer an awful lot longer for changing their plans.

  What a relief. He could stop worrying now and just get on with planning for the arrival of Reggie the orang-utan.

  *

  The next day, Felix didn’t see that much of Flo as she had her music lesson at lunchtime, so she went into second lunch while Felix was out playing at the bug base on his own. Sometimes he was lonely when Flo wasn’t there to do bug base with him, but sometimes he secretly quite liked it. Although she was his best friend, Felix thought that Mum was right when she said Flo could be a Bit Much. Besides, being on your own when you’ve got Things to Think About, like orang-utans and how to adopt them, was no bad thing.

  At the end of the day Flo ran to catch up with Felix as he made his way to the front to look out for Mum.

  ‘So,’ Flo said, pulling Felix round to face her and fixing him with a determined steely glare. ‘What will it eat?’

  ‘What will what eat?’ said Felix.

  ‘The orang-utan!’ Flo said exasperatedly. ‘I tried to ask you about it in that lesson on the Romans but you weren’t listening.’

  ‘Bananas, I s’pose?’ offered Felix, yawning. It had been hard to concentrate on all those Invasions the Romans had done while at the same time worrying about how Mum would react when Reggie arrived. One of the only interesting facts about the Romans was that they had been used to having Really Wild Animals like lions around the place. It was a shame his mum was not a Roman, Felix pondered.

  ‘Hmm,’ Flo was looking thoughtful. ‘But it can’t just be bananas. If you eat too many of them you get a Dire Ear, you know.’

  Felix sat up. ‘A Dire Ear? What is that?’

  ‘It is something very bad which means you cannot go swimming or go to ballet lessons. It happened to Millie Hampton after Sophie Disbry’s birthday party where they had all these banana-and-honey sandwiches, which Millie ate thirty-six of,’ Flo said, with great authority.

  Felix burst out laughing. ‘Well, serves her right for being a great greedy whatsit! Anyway, we are not going to give the orang-utan banana-and-honey sandwiches, just bananas on their own. And I think that they eat other vegetables too.’

  ‘A banana is not a vegetable,’ said Flo.

  ‘I never said it was,’ Felix protested.

  ‘You said that they eat “other vegetables”—’

  ‘Flo!’ Felix butted in. ‘It doesn’t matter, just listen – they eat vegetables and fruit – and probably peanuts as well. I can check in my book on apes anyway. So we’d better start collecting vegetables and fruit and peanuts for when the orangutan comes to be adopted. By me,’ he added firmly. Flo was not going to take over that part of the plan.

  Flo stared hard into the distance for a moment and then she said, ‘The vegetables are no problem at all. Dad is already starting to grow a load of disgusting things that I will never eat, so when they are grown I will pick them and give them to the orang-utan. What’s his name? Ronnie?’

  ‘Reggie. What kind of disgusting things?’ Felix added suspiciously.

  ‘Brussels sprouts,’ said Flo, curling her top lip disdainfully.

  ‘Uuuuurrrgh!’ spat Felix. ‘I’m not giving Reggie Brussels sprouts! They might poison him!’

  Flo put her hands on her hips and said in a low, menacing kind of voice, like those baddies on the telly who are mean but also a bit cool: ‘The orang-utan will eat the Brussels sprouts, even if we have to wrap them in banana skins to fool it into thinking they are something more tasty than what they really are.’

  Felix sighed heavily. He reminded himself that things could be a lot worse, so he swallowed all his words about Flo being a bossy old boot and instead he said, ‘OK.’

  Flo smiled. ‘Great. So I’ll be in charge of the Brussels sprouts then.’

  Felix had a thought. ‘When do the Brussels sprouts actually sprout?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, what I mean is, normally you ea
t them for Christmas, and it’s May now, so will they actually grow in time for Reggie to arrive? Cos, if I am getting Reggie for my birthday, that is only one week away.’

  Flo put on her Mum-type voice and said, ‘Don’t worry about that. I’m sure it will be fine,’ which didn’t really answer Felix’s question, but that was all she would say on the matter.

  After Felix’s mum had dropped Flo back at her house, Felix asked if he could go on the computer.

  ‘Why?’ Mum asked. ‘Haven’t you got some homework to do?’

  Felix crossed his fingers behind his back and mumbled, ‘I need the computer to do my homework, actually. It’s all about orang-utans and their Habitat, which is a very scientific word which means “where animals live”,’ he added.

  The phone started ringing, so Mum ran into the kitchen to answer it, calling over her shoulder, ‘OK, but you’ll have to get off it when Merv comes in cos he’s got to finish his science project for tomorrow.’

  Felix smiled. Using the word ‘homework’ had well and truly Put Mum Off the Scent.

  He went into the study and turned on the computer. A fizzy feeling built up in his tummy as he thought of how perfect life with Reggie would be. Maybe Reggie would even teach him how to swing from the trees himself! Maybe once Mum had got used to the idea he might be allowed to spend one night a week up in the tree and he and Reggie could have sleepovers.

  Felix spent the next half hour surfing the Internet for information about orang-utans. He found a very interesting site that told him exactly what he needed to know:

  What do orang-utans eat?

  Orang-utans eat mostly fruit – their favourites are huge spiky fruits called Durian. These fruits smell terrible, and taste a bit like custard and garlic, but orang-utans love them! Orang-utans also eat some flowers, honey, bark, leaves and insects.

  How many babies do orang-utans have?

  Orang-utans only have one baby at a time. There is a lot to learn about life in the forest and so babies stay with their mother and learn from her until they are seven or eight years old – this is longer than any other mammal except humans.

  Where do orang-utans sleep?

  Orang-utans sleep in nests in the trees which they make every day from leaves and branches. Orangutans are arboreal, which means that they spend nearly all their time in the trees and hardly ever come to the ground. This makes them different from other apes like chimpanzees, gorillas and humans, who all spend a lot of time on the ground.

  A fruit that tasted of custard and garlic? Felix wasn’t sure he wanted to have anything to do with that. And would he have to go around collecting insects for Reggie to crunch on? No, Reggie would probably go out into the garden and find his own ants, Felix reasoned. And probably Mum would be pleased about that, because she hated it when there were ants’ nests on the patio in the summer. She usually went out and put ant powder down to try and kill them.

  Felix was about to shut down the site when Merv came into the study with his headphones on. He was wearing his worst kind of don’t-come-near-me-or-I’ll-flatten-you scowl, a beanie pulled down as far as it could go without blindfolding him and a pair of jeans showing so much underwear he might as well have gone without them altogether and worn just pants.

  ‘Hey, low-life,’ Merv snarled. ‘Wot you up to? Let me guess . . .’ He peered at the screen. ‘Apes! I should have known. Figures anyway – takes one to know one. Har, har, har!’

  Felix scuttled out of the room while his brother was too busy enjoying his own joke to thump him or throw something at him.

  He ran into the kitchen. ‘Mum! Did you buy any bananas or plums or any kind of fruit today?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mum, looking puzzled. ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m – I’m staaaaarving!’ said Felix, putting as much feeling into his voice as he could.

  ‘Sorry? Am I hearing correctly? Or am I perhaps dreaming? My younger son who survives on a diet of Monster Pops, toast and chocolate is asking me for some FRUIT to EAT?’ Mum said, talking to the wall in an over-the-top outraged and surprised kind of way.

  ‘Yeah, well, I do love bananas you know that.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Mum said, nodding. ‘How could I forget the famous banana-tree incident?’

  Felix blushed a bit. Then he crossed his fingers behind his back for the second time that day and ploughed on, ‘And it’s kind of part of my PSHE homework about, er, healthy eating,’ he said. ‘We have to eat some fruit, and then write down what it tasted like and, er, stuff like that,’ he ended lamely.

  ‘I thought you said your homework was to do with apes and their habitat?’ Mum asked suspiciously.

  ‘Oh, yes, that too,’ Felix said. Rats, this was getting complicated. ‘The PSHE homework is a week-long project where we have to write down all kinds of things about healthy food,’ he said rashly. Uh-oh. This would mean healthy meals for a whole week now.

  ‘OK,’ said Mum. ‘Take a look in the fruit bowl – we have some bananas and apples and a few oranges.’

  ‘Great!’ Felix rushed to the fruit bowl and helped himself to three bananas and two oranges.

  ‘Hey!’ Mum exclaimed. ‘I’m cooking tea – don’t ruin your appetite.’

  Felix was already halfway up the stairs with the fruit in his hands. ‘It’s OK! I’m so hungry – I’ll eat tea too.’

  ‘And don’t eat in your room! You’ll only leave the skins lying around . . .’

  The phone rang again, which meant Mum was distracted. Felix bolted up to his room and rummaged around under his bed until he found an old shoebox. It had once contained, amongst other things, a spider’s nest, which Felix had been closely observing over the winter months. Unfortunately he had forgotten to observe it one week and in that time, the eggs had hatched and the spiders had ended up all over his room. Some had even got inside his pants and socks and stuff. It had been a bit tickly.

  He put the bananas and the oranges in the box and stashed it back under his bed. I can add to this every day, he thought happily, and then by the time Reggie gets here there’ll be loads of food for him to eat.

  11

  THE TRUTH

  ABOUT ADOPTION

  Mum was unusually cheery when Felix came back downstairs. She was beaming all over her face and even occasionally chuckling to herself as if she’d just heard a fantastically funny joke on the radio. She often chuckled at the radio, although Felix could never understand what it was that she found so amusing. Most of the radio programmes she listened to were decidedly un-funny in his opinion.

  It turned out it wasn’t the radio, though, that had made her laugh.

  ‘I have just had the most hilarious conversation with Flora’s mum!’ she announced.

  Felix felt all the blood drain from his face and an icy-cold hand grasped his insides. He did not like the sound of this ‘hilarious conversation’. Mum and Mrs Small weren’t even friends. They only ever rang each other to talk about the school run or whether or not it was a school trip or a spelling test that day.

  Was Mum playing a trick on him? He shot her a very nervous glance. Or – much worse – had Flo Given the Game Away about Reggie?

  He swallowed dryly before answering, ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yes! You wouldn’t believe it, but Flora thinks you are getting an orang-utan for your birthday – as a pet to come and live with you here!’ she guffawed.

  Felix’s icy innards did a double back-flip. What was Flo thinking of?

  ‘Yes,’ continued Mum cheerfully, ‘apparently you were worried you didn’t have enough food for it, so she’s going to be getting all the Brussels sprouts from her dad’s allotment that (and I’m quoting Flora here) “no one in their right mind ever wants to eat”.’

  Felix felt intensely sick. He had been betrayed! He realized now that he had not thought about the details of it, but he had assumed that Zed would bring Reggie round on his birthday and that Mum would not be able to do anything about it, because the orang-utan would come with all the information from the
charity about how mistreated he had been and that would mean Mum couldn’t be cruel and send him back.

  But it was never going to work now. Mum was cross enough about Dyson and Colin and Hammer and the snails and the spiders and every other animal Felix had ever had anything to do with. She would never say yes to Reggie. Except, she was still smiling . . .

  ‘Erm, but you’re not cross?’ Felix ventured.

  Mum laughed again. ‘Cross? How can I be cross? It’s funny, that’s all – and rather sweet.’

  ‘Sweet?’ Felix was puzzled. Was Mum starting to talk like Uncle Zed? Did she mean ‘sweet’ as in ‘it’s cool that you are getting an orang-utan’? Or did she mean ‘sweet’ as in ‘it’s so cute’?

  ‘Yes,’ Mum went on, beaming. ‘It’s lovely that you and Flora play so imaginatively together. When I was your age I played “making house” or “cops and robbers” or things like that. But coming up with the idea of having an imaginary orangutan – and opening your own zoo – it’s amazing!’

  Imaginary?

  Then Felix thought again about what Flo’s mum had said about ‘make-believe plans’ and everything fell into place. The mums thought this was all a game! Felix squirmed and shuffled on his chair and drew pictures with his finger on the wipe-clean tablecloth. How was he going to explain this? What would Mum say when she found out that Reggie really was coming to live with them? Would she make him cancel the adoption? And, if she did, what would happen to Reggie? Would he have to go back and live with the people who had raised him and made his life so horrible? Felix felt a wall of tears back up behind his eyes and a rush of words push against his throat and before he could stop to think things through properly, he had blurted: ‘But it’s not imaginary! The orang-utan really is coming to live with us. And he’s called Reggie. Zed found him on the Internet.’ And he went on to tell Mum all about Zed’s promise to adopt him an animal for his birthday, and the research they had done on the WWF website.

  As Felix spoke, he saw the smile on Mum’s face fade away. Finally it had completely melted, leaving her with a distinctly stony expression.