My Mother in Law's Lover

by S M Mala

  ‘Why would I want a relationship with you?’ I reply. ‘You know, this situation is a little bit odd, don’t you think?’

  ‘Yes, you’re an odd choice to sleep with, that’s true,’ he smirks.

  ‘Excuse me?’ I know an insult when I receive it. ‘I’m not gagging for it, thanks very much.’

  ‘Maybe I am,’ he sighs and places his head against the steering wheel. ‘Stop taking everything I say to heart.’

  ‘You’re quite rude sometimes.’

  ‘And you’re not?’

  Good point.

  ‘What do you think she’d do if she knew I was sleeping with you?’

  ‘Let’s make sure she doesn’t find out, okay?’ he says and smirks before honking his horn.

  Here I am on his doorstep to this bloody almighty large house an hour later and he’s not answering the door. I check my watch and it’s five to nine. My mobile rings. It’s Joan.

  ‘Hello,’ I say cheerfully gulping hard at what I did to her man in the last twelve hours.

  ‘Where are you?’ she snaps.

  ‘Outside Hal’s house waiting for my interview,’ I say. ‘How’s Beth?’

  ‘She’s adorable,’ Joan gushes.

  ‘Yes I know that, she’s my daughter. I’ll come round after this and pick her up.’

  ‘Don’t bother,’ she says. ‘I’m going to take her out to lunch so I’ll bring her back afterwards, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ I sigh.

  ‘And Belle,’ she says in a lowered voice. ‘Please don’t show me up.’

  Hal suddenly opens the door, making my tummy do a flip. He’s all changed and looking gorgeous. But he’s not smiling.

  ‘Hello,’ he says formally. ‘Thank you for coming at such late notice. Let me show you the way.’

  Now I’m not sure if he’s taking the piss but he then puts his fingers to his lips. I figure someone else is in the house.

  As we walk through I see this rather large lady beaming at me.

  ‘Hello,’ I say, smiling back, wondering what’s going on.

  ‘This is Jenny,’ he says. ‘She popped in to see me.’

  ‘Hello,’ she says and is beaming brightly. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stick around to make sure everything’s okay?’

  ‘No,’ he says turning to her and she looks like she’s in love with the mania think I’ve got enough experience to know what good food is.’

  ‘If you’re sure,’ she says and kisses him very gently on the cheek before walking towards me. ‘Good luck!’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say a little confused as I stare at him as he darts out of the kitchen.

  I examine the space and it’s humongous. It’s very high tech and I’d hate to be the one who has to clean it.

  ‘What’s that about?’ I ask as he returns to the kitchen and opens the fridge. ’Who’s she?’

  ‘A friend of Joan’s keeping an eye on me,’ he says from behind the fridge door then takes out a box of eggs. ‘You’ve not met her before?’

  ‘No and you’ve had breakfast,’ I say seeing he’s walking towards me and puts the eggs down on the counter.

  ‘Can you please make me an omelette?’ Hal seriously asks. ‘I need to know you can cook.’

  ‘Of course I can cook,’ I say slightly put out.

  ‘Well make me an omelette and I’ll be the judge.’ He walks past me and out of the kitchen.

  ‘Well where’s the bloody frying pan?’ I yell.

  ‘You’ll find it.’

  Now I’m all of a fluster as I can hear his footsteps above me and I’m opening every cupboard until I find a frying pan.

  His hob isn’t straight forward and it takes me a while to figure out how to turn it on.

  Why am I nervous?

  Shit!

  He has no bloody ingredients other than twelve organic eggs. I can’t see any butter, milk or seasoning. I think he’s set me up.

  I search the cupboards and come across various dried lentils and rice then I stumble on a bottle of oil. I sniff it and it makes me laugh. I’ll show him.

  I burn the first omelette and wave the tea towel, so he won’t notice the dense smoke, before I find the button to the extractor fan. Then I start again and this time it’s perfect.

  ‘It’s ready,’ I shout trying to get rid of the small layer of fog lingering above my head. He walks in and I see he is waving something invisible out of his face.

  ‘I told you to make an omelette not burn my house down,’ he says pretending to cough.

  ‘I didn’t realise your stove has the same heat as a rocket exhaust,’ I say pushing the plate under his crinkled nose. ‘Try it.’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ he hesitates and frowns.

  ‘It’s not going to kill you,’ I sigh seeing the bad publicity on my cooking from Joan seems to be spreading but today I don’t care. He picks up the fork and looks at me.

  ‘Here goes,’ he says putting it into his mouth.

  ‘It has no seasoning and you have no butter but I found a bottle of oil on the side to use-.’

  Hal then starts to choke on the omelette and spits it out.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I innocently ask.

  ‘That’s green chilli oil,’ he says running to the sink to put his mouth under the tap. ‘Couldn’t you smell it?’

  ‘Ah, I wondered what that was?’ I say wanting to laugh and knowing he’s going to tell Joan.

  I don’t care.

  I knew perfectly well what was in the oil and if he wants to play games then the last laugh will be on his botty hole when the chilli gives him a ring of fire.

  ‘Didn’t you taste it?’ he asks wiping his mouth with the tea towel and shaking his head. I notice he has gone bright red and I’m trying hard not to smile.

  ‘I had to use my initiative,’ I reply and taste the omelette feeling the kick instantly. ‘I really like it. I take it I’m not hired then.’

  ‘I’m not sure you’re going to make it onto the short list,’ he splutters.

  ‘I don’t get into your sex chart or your cooking short list. I’m not doing very well today, am I?’ I take the omelette and put it into the bin before plonking the plate and pan in the kitchen sink. ‘I’m not doing the washing up.’

  ‘Right,’ he says composing himself and trying to smile. ‘I’ll let you know in a few days if you’ve got the job.’

  ‘Is that it?’

  ‘I have a cleaning job if you’re up for it,’ he seriously says. ‘I pay good-.’

  ‘No thanks.’ I walk towards my bag and pick it up. ‘This was all a show to cover your arse.’

  ‘Sort of,’ he smirks and walks up towards me. ‘Did you use the chilli oil on purpose?

  ‘Me?’ I turn to leave then grin. He shakes his head from side to side. ‘I better go.’

  I don’t care if Joan rips the shit out of me for the rest of my life. He deserved to gag.

  ‘Aren’t you going to say goodbye,’ he says walking up to me.

  ‘Goodbye?’ I say and he looks serious. ‘So that’s it? Shall I ask when I’m going to see you again or is that a nonstarter?’

  ‘It’s a nonstarter,’ he smirks pushing his hands into his pockets and shrugging his shoulders.

  Oh bollocks! No more shags for another 3 years!

  ‘Fine,’ I say trying to hide my huge disappointment. ‘You’re right. Thanks for the-.’ I really don’t know what to say?

  ‘Sex?’ Hal says smirking.

  ‘Yep,’ I reply and walk down the corridor.

  The next thing I know he has turned me around and we’re kissing. I feel his tongue and lips suck me into his face. He tastes of chilli as lust rides high through my loins, my omelette now forgotten about.

  There’s something about this man that’s both addictive and totally wrong.

  ‘Come here,’ he says and pulls me into the living room, which is full of boxes, then pushes me down on to the rug.

  I let his fingers explore my body and wait with eager anticipation. His
hands are quickly pulling off my clothes. I look at the top of his head as it mauls my body.

  Who needs a job as a cook when I get a farewell like this! Can you imagine the bonus? Blimey, he’s making me feel all giddy.

  His swift licks my excited skin and I really don’t want him to stop. I catch his eye. He goes into his back pocket and opens a condom then smiles.

  The man is always so prepared or can he tell I’m completely easy when it comes to him? I take a moment to look around the large room.

  ‘What are you looking at?’ he says unrolling the rubber onto his winking demon.

  ‘It’s massive,’ I say looking at the high ceilings.

  ‘Why thank you,’ he says.

  ‘I didn’t mean-.’

  ‘Turn around.’

  Suddenly he flips me over as I munch the carpet, probably to stop me from talking then pulls me up on to all fours.

  Oh gosh, he’s kissing my neck! He’s demon is now examining my insides. I have to concentrate hard to keep up as I know I’m going to graze my face against the rug if my arms buckle. I slowly move down to balance on my elbows. I examine the pile. It looks pretty expensive, what would I know? I shop from Ikea.

  ‘You feel good,’ he whispers into my ear, making me jump.

  ‘Oh yes,’ I say concentrating on what he’s doing and realising I’m getting some pleasure but this is all about him. Then I feel a hand creep in between my leg and before I know it.

  ‘Oh my word!’ I groan as he has made my whole entire body convulse in ecstasy and I’m trying not to collapse. Burying his face in my hair, he groans as he finishes. We both flop to the carpet still joined.

  ‘We should shag more often,’ he breathlessly says.

  ‘You said this is the last time.’ I’m beginning to think this man is more trouble than it’s worth.

  Hal turns me over.

  ‘I keep changing my mind about you,’ he says. ‘On one hand I want to see you again and on the other, I know you come with baggage. Maybe I should tell Joan we’ve been screwing.’

  ‘No!’ I say holding his shoulders. ‘This is a lust thing. We don’t want to rock the boat, do we?’

  There’s a shock in my loins. I want him. This is awful, what has the man done to me? I’m hooked. We start kissing on the floor for what seems like ages.

  ‘Let me give you a special kiss goodbye,’ he says, moving down my body. Twenty minutes later I let him put carpet burns on my back and bottom to match the ones on my elbows and knees.

  Eleven

  Did I hear from him since that day?

  Of course not!

  The weeks have gone by and everything has been peaceful. My grazes healed up nicely and I managed to disguise them from Beth, which was no mean feat.

  Joan thought it was hilarious I didn’t get the job as Hal’s cook. She kept going on about the embarrassment it would cause should I poison and kill one of their mutual friends.

  Now my mother in law is standing in my kitchen, eleven in the morning, giving me strange looks.

  The kitchen’s in a mess and I’m making, what seems like, thousands of won tons for my next door neighbour’s party. All they ever want me to make is dim sum or more importantly, a shit load of dumplings! Beth and I turn up in authentic Chinese outfits as we dish the dumplings. I get smashed; Beth has fun and gets fed. Perfect!

  ‘Heard from Hal?’ Joan asks sweetly.

  ‘No!’ I reply. Chance would be a fine thing though the last session brings a smile to my face.

  ‘You must have scared him off with your cooking because you’re absolutely dire when it comes to food.’

  ‘How would you know? You don’t eat!’ I slap my hand down very hard, flattening a dumpling and thinking it’s her head.

  ‘He probably feared for his life,’ she laughs.

  ‘Why the visit and why do you want to talk about Hal?’ I ask giving her a sideways glance. ‘Haven’t you got an appointment with your doctors?’

  ‘What doctors?’ she asks frowning.

  ‘Your plastic surgeons? Jekyll and Hyde?’ I smirk

  ‘How droll,’ she says through gritted teeth. ‘You know occurred to me Hal might be interested in the novelty of screwing an exotic, fat, working class girl but then I thought no.’

  ‘Why would you say that?’ as I stack the dumplings on trays ready for steaming the next day and start to feel edgy.

  ‘You wouldn’t be screwing him behind my back?’ she suddenly asks and I stiffen for a moment wondering if she knows.

  ‘I haven’t seen him for weeks,’ I gulp.

  ‘Why do you have to get involved with the men in my life?’ Her voice gradually gets louder which grates on my ears.

  ‘I’m not involved with him but it’s obvious he’s a bit of a slut.’ I watch her face turn into a scowl.

  ‘Have you said something to make him turn against me?’ she snarls and grabs my shoulders making me turn to face her.

  She looks really angry so I better play nicely.

  ‘The handful of occasions I met your bloke he hardly ever spoke about you, okay?’

  ‘What do you talk about then?’

  ‘How my heart was broken by the death of my husband,’ I reply trying to look dignified and wondering if my nose is getting longer like Pinocchio’s. ‘And my love for Josh.’

  ‘Not that old crap!’ she says unsympathetically before pushing me away. ‘Heard from Josh?’

  ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ I say, slightly taken aback.

  ‘Thought about him much?’

  ‘Like they say ‘out of sight is out of mind’.’ I turn away as I grit my teeth, knowing I’ve thought about him constantly, when I’m not thinking about having sex with Hal. That’s a sort of a fifty, fifty split, at the moment.

  ‘You couldn’t have really loved him. Did you ever love my son?’ What a question! She’s purposely trying to wind me up.

  ‘Of course I loved Kai!’

  ‘No man can resist it on a plate,’ she mumbles.

  ‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ I say knowing she’s right.

  ‘Or should I say a platter,’ she sniggers before walking closer to me. ‘I know you’ve been up to something with Hal.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘You’re not denying it then,’ she says and I feel the spittle on my face.

  ‘I really don’t know what you’re talking about and anyway I thought you’d gone through the menopause about ten years ago.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ she snaps.

  ‘Your bloody mood swings and irrational thinking,’ I smile. ‘No, you’ve been menopausal since the day I met you.’ I push her away and open the kitchen door hoping the guilty look will subside from my face.

  ‘You had Kai, then you wanted Josh and now I bet you’re after Hal.’

  ‘I’m not!’ I’m focussing on the grass outside and I swear I can feel the stabbing action under my right shoulder blade from her eyes as I stand with my back to her. She throws her cigarette butt into the garden just missing my hair.

  ‘What are you doing for lunch?’ she asks, swiftly changing the subject and taking me by surprise. I answer by looking down at the food on the table then back at her. ‘Can’t you leave that shit for a moment?’

  ‘Why?’ I don’t trust her. ‘And it’s not shit.’

  ‘You obviously don’t eat your own food. Look, this little dump of yours winds me up. Why don’t we go out to lunch and bury the hatchet?’

  ‘In your head?’ I say, wiping my hands and I know she’s up to something. She hates being seen publicly with me at the best of times.

  ‘Yes or no? Free food?’ she says dismissively.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Are you coming or not?’ She walks out, not before rolling her eyes at me and yelling. ‘I’m waiting in the car.’

  I run upstairs, quickly throwing on some clean clothes then follow her out. She’s not speaking to me when I get in the back seat next to her, which means she
’s the perfect lunch companion.

  We get to the restaurant and sit at a table near the window, as Joan orders two vodka and tonics. I wait for her to say something. She’s quiet for about five minutes as she glances around the room.

  ‘I can’t imagine what Josh saw in you?’ she blurts out. ‘My poor son was always a kind soul so he can be forgiven, god bless him.’

  ‘Are you going mad?’ I ask as the drinks arrive. She glares at me while she sips her vodka.

  ‘When did you throw yourself at him?’ She’s sucking hard on an ice cube.

  ‘Josh came to me after-.’

  ‘I’m talking about Hal,’ she snaps and is glaring at me again.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I know when you’re lying.’

  ‘You can’t prove anything,’ I hiss and knock back my drink quicker than I intended, nearly choking on an ice cube.

  ‘I told him you’d been unceremoniously used by two married men. He probably thought you’d make ideal screwing material.’

  ‘Well, you told him enough about me didn’t you?’

  ‘I was telling Hal how you made a foul daughter in law and the idea of being related to you makes me feel sick.’

  You would think I’d be hurt at this comment but it’s no surprise.

  ‘I also said, I couldn’t wait for you to find someone more suitable to your type,’ she continues. ‘Then you’ll get done for murder when they drop down dead.’

  ‘What is my type?’ I ignore the murder bit.

  ‘As long as it’s got nothing to do with me I don’t care.’

  ‘Including Josh?’

  ‘Most certainly Josh! I think you’re ridiculous pining for someone who doesn’t care about you but like I said, it didn’t last long and you didn’t keep your legs closed.’

  ‘Thank you!’ I raise my glass to her and shake my head.

  ‘For what?’ Joan’s really scowling at me.

  ‘For always being a bitch!’ She doesn’t drink to that and I take several big mouthfuls from my glass and slump into my chair.

  ‘Did you sleep with Hal?’ Joan asks, sipping her drink, looking anxiously at me. ‘I wouldn’t put it passed you.’

  ‘Why don’t you ask him?’ I say knowing full well he wouldn’t say anything.