The Snowmaiden, A Bride for Krampus

by Jeanette Lynn

  Blinking, the Elkfen glanced down at his chest. His hand rubbed the spot. “What was that?” Ded asked.

  Bel’s lips parted, his mouth slowly opening. “I- I don’t know. It wasn’t you?”

  “Of course not,” Ded lied, the first and only fib he’d ever told. It came so easily to him it startled him. He knew he mustn’t lie, it was one of the tenants of being on The Team, but it was like he couldn't help himself. How could he admit this strange feeling to his friend? It had just... happened. And now that he’d told the lie, he didn’t want to admit this slight in him to anyone else. He’d keep it and it would be his.

  One more glance at the house and he felt that rumble wanting to start up in his chest again. What would she taste like? Feel like? Would her skin be as soft as her silky, long looking head fur? The impure thoughts assailed him, one after the other, until his feet were moving, taking him towards her back door.

  A yank on his arm brought him to. Glancing to his left, he peered down at the Elf at his side and it was like sense came back to him. The tiny claws digging into his arm kept him grounded.

  “Not yet, you fool,” Bels hissed. “Not until she falls asleep!”

  What did she wear sleeping? Ack. Ded shook his head. Something was wrong with him. “Why do we have to wait until she’s sleeping?” And before he could stop himself, “What if she sleeps without her sleep coverings?”

  Bels blinked. “It would certainly make it easier to detract her from running once we have her,” Bels mumbled uncertainly under his breath. The Elf eyed Ded funny. “You’re sure you’re alright?”

  “I said I was, didn’t I?” Ded snapped, scowling down at him.

  Bels glanced away under Ded’s intense regard. “Right,” he clipped out, pretending to buff his claws on his jolly vest. “Just fine.”

  “Exactly,” the Elkfen muttered, shuffling away from him a ways so he couldn’t see the funny reaction he was having to thinking certain things about the curvy Snowmaiden. Ded liked curves, he decided, once more eyeing the strange bench stool, defecating device. What would she look like, were she to sit on it, he wondered. Scrubbing a hand down his face, he was tempted to dump his bum into the snow and scoop the icy cold slush down over his groin. Ded groaned internally. A slither of fear made its way up his spine as he took note of a few things, a few very strange and alarming things.

  He was feeling out of sorts, a sudden onset. Was that not one of the symptoms of the sickness?

  No. Not possible. He wasn’t a naughty Elkfen. He was good. His thoughts were fleetingly curious, he’d admit, but he was no different than any other. This was all nature. He was fine. “I’m fine,” he whispered, then plopped his bottom down and began scooping up snow by the arm-swipes-full to dump it onto the thickening of his shaft.

  Chapter 7

  Lumi

  I’d fallen asleep at some point, the player eventually finishing and the laptop screen timing out. I had no idea what time it was, how long I’d been sleeping, but I was certain of one thing as I began to stir and a startled gasp issued too close for comfort: I was not alone.

  With my purse near my bags across the room, my options for self-defense were limited. My body tensed, readying for what was to come next, though my face remained lax, as if I was still asleep.

  A clank sounded. “Ow. Blasted- What are you doing just standing over her, Ded? Stop staring at her like a Santa sized chocolate and douse her?!”

  Douse me? Like hell! Popping up, grabbing my laptop to swing it at the closest warm body, I hit the tall figure in shadow first.

  A shocked shout rent the air and the tall shadow fell. Sparkles flew from his hand, dusting the air. They shot up to come dancing down, a dazzling display of crackling silver and gold. The tall one stumbled where he stood. His antler strapped head began to go wonky, like that dust was causing confusion. Drugs. Some kind of fast acting drugs. He’d just doused himself with them. Oh god, they’d snuck in here to drug me! Ded, the one Bels was yipping and yapping instructions at him, from the corner of the kitchen, to douse me already, tumbled to his ass. Grabbing up the table tray, lifting it high by one of its legs, I swung it at Ded’s head as he picked himself up off the floor, then Bels’ short form.

  Ded yelped and then slumped, toppling to the ground like a felled oak. The guy was freaking tall. Bels went flying back, slamming into the cupboards with a screech. With his fall, came the stench of cinnamon and sugar. It came out of him like a visible fart cloud reeking of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. If I hadn’t seen it for myself, I’d never have believed it. Did he swallow cinnamon pills by the handful? What the hell?!

  Before I could give that another thought I was moving. Walking right over Ded’s prone form, wondering if he’d decided to croak and be fitting of his name, I had the zipper on my purse open, hand on my gun, grabbing it out to aim, when a strange noise rent the air and I felt something, or more aptly, someone, leap onto my back.

  Clawed fingers tore at my hoodie as I thrashed and the bastard clinger-on fought. Dropping forward, sending him flying over me, his claws raking down my back with the action, I screamed and lifted my hands to shoot as he dropped to his scrawny ass.

  It was dark in the room, and he was fast—scarily inhumanly so. I got one shot off, aimed right for his pale, freckled, bright red haired head, but then it was like he was gone. My gaze swung around wildly, but then I spun around and scrambled for the back door.

  I was out of the back door and rushing through the snow with double layered socks on, sweat pants, and my favorite hoodie, all tore up from the Christmas gremlin from hell, faster than I was currently capable of thinking.

  My hands shook, the gun clutched tightly in my swiftly numbing grip felt unnaturally heavy. I was just past the sex sofa when something hit from my side. A flash of tiny, pointed teeth filled my field of vision as a weight settled on me. There was the spark of gold and silver, the strange scent of pumpkin pie on the air. One second I was coughing, gagging, then I was slumping, dumping to my side to slide down into the snow.

  A glaring Elf came into view then, staring down at me like he wanted to beat me with the gun that fell from my limp grasp. I was sleepy, and quickly getting sleepier by the second.

  “Bels?” The bellow across the back lawn had my heart racing, even as everything else slowed.

  “No,” I garbled out, the words unintelligible.

  “Out here! Got her! The dust has got the same effect on her as us, apparently,” Bels murmured with disapproval. “That’s not normal.” Shaking his head, he started to wander back towards the house.

  Bleary eyed and blinking, a soft whimper left me as Ded came into view. If he was upset I’d doused him, he wasn’t showing it. Kneeling down next to me, he adjusted my limp form into a more comfortable looking position. His hands shook as our skin met. A breath left him on a soft gasp. Our eyes met as my lids threatened to droop.

  “Lumi,” he murmured, like we were intimate acquaintances. Leaning in, pausing to glance up towards the house, he gave my hair a deep sniff. A strange rattling started in his chest but then he shook his head, then himself, and it abruptly shut off. “Lumi,” he murmured again, a weird, soft smile tilting his lips. “It means snow,” he whispered, reaching a shaking finger out to run it through my hair.

  I was so freaked out I was screaming at my body to work.

  Cocking his head, he eyed me. “Lumi Arddduzzzmunnn, your identifying card says. Lumi Ardzman, Snowmaiden. You’re special, Lumi.” Ded’s face lit like he’d just said something rather clever. “You’re going to help Shnikel. I know it. You’re the one.” His thumb brushed my cheek bone, lingering there. I wished I could bite his damn hand, snap my teeth at him to get him to back the hell off.

  I was stuck, in this horrible nightmare, not a damned thing I could do.

  “We’ll need to secure her!” Bels called. “I only have enough dust left for a second dousing, then we’re stuck with her until we get to the cave.”

  Cave? Dust? Holy…

/>   Ded’s expression lit as he stood and his gaze unerringly found Dad’s sex bench.

  A garbled protest left me, but then he was lifting me, hauling himself back to his feet with me in his arms. I was being drugged and made off with by a demented man dressed as an Elf and his seemingly sex-crazed lunatic furry friend?!!

  His heartbeat was a wild thud against my side, pressed up to him like this, and he was freakishly warm.

  My eyes finally lost the fight, the rest of me following, as I felt my face pressed into an ice cold piece of padded foam I’d planned on burning on the first thaw.

  Chapter 8

  Waking, I balked, unable to bring my hand to my face. Jerking, I came to sluggishly, like I was waking from a weird dream, to realize I was back in my nightmare come to life. Staring at the snow covered ground, my heart started pounding wildly, hands jerking in the restraints holding them in place. My legs were loose in the stirrups, but the strap around my middle eliminated any wiggle room. A soft cry left me as I fought their hold anyway. Movement off to the side of me had me freaking out, losing my shit.

  Panicked noises left me as I fought hard enough I heard something pop in my shoulder, a burning pain rolling up my neck following. “No. No-no-no,” I whispered, fighting more frantically as a set of hooved feet entered my field of vision. “Please,” I pleaded. “Please, I-”

  The knees of that form bent and the blanket over me was thrown off my head. Cold air kissed my skin as I was forced to peer down at a rather pronounced part of someone’s furry suited groin. My cries grew louder as a hand fell on my back, giving it a gentle pat that only made my panic double.

  Tears blurred my vision, but I could make out the furry face that came into view.

  “I’m sorry, but Bels said we had to restrain you. Are they hurting you? Are they too tight?” Lower, he leaned in to whisper, “Do you need to evacuate? Do you wish to use the defecating stool? Shall I remove your lower garments for you?”

  “No!” I screamed on a wail, fighting so hard I was sure I’d pulled some shit I’d be feeling later. Everything in me tensed. Defecating? What the fuck?

  Jerking back, tumbling to his ass, Ded stared up at me as I screamed down at him.

  As my throat quickly grew raw sucking in cold gasps of air to then attempt to break the sound barrier with them, my screams tapered off into loud sobs. I was still sleep addled, confused, and beyond panicked. The stump practically waving at me between his legs quickly deflated.

  “Don’t cry, Snowmaiden,” he crooned, reaching out to swipe the tears and snot leaking down my face away. With a yelp, he yanked his hand back at my renewed screams.

  “What the figgy pudding are you doing to that creature?!” Bels demanded. “I’m sure they could hear her carrying on like that all the way over at that ugly little store we found her at!”

  The jingle of little bells as he walked had me trying to scream but forgetting how to breathe. All I could manage in this moment was frantic pants as my heart threatened to explode.

  “You’ve terrified the thing, is what you’ve done.” Bels let out a huff as his tiny little pointed feet came into view. They’d jingled all the damned way over here.

  A small, humorless laugh suddenly left me, followed by more hysterical crying.

  An Elven face came into view as bony knees bent. “What have you done to her? She’s positively apoplectic.” A scowl crinkled an ageless brow as he glanced from me to his accomplice.

  “Me? Why is it my fault?” One of three hoof ended looking fingers on his wide palm lifted, jerking towards Bels. “You’re the one that made me tie her down.” Ded fairly pouted, crossing his arms over his wide chest. “She should be mad at you, not me,” he muttered sullenly. Hooking his thumb at himself, he informed his friend primly, “I even offered to help her use her defecation stool, if that was what she required.”

  Bels just stared at him. “You’re a marshmallow brained half cup of cocoa,” he told the furry dressed Ded, like that was a grievous insult.

  Ded gasped as if it indeed was, hurt flashing across his expressive brown eyes. “You take that back,” he sputtered.

  Bels snorted. “No.” The Elf straightened. “And quit messing with the maiden.”

  “I’m not a maiden,” I blurted. My throat worked convulsively. Bile filled the inside of my mouth.

  “Course you are, m’dear.” The sound of rustling reached my ears as Elf boy made a clicking sound with his mouth. “Oh,” he said as his hand flicked and I watched one of my credit cards flutter to the ground. “Now that is interesting…”

  “What?” Ded asked, standing so I was just staring at their feet as they conversed over the top of me like I wasn’t there.

  Reserving my energy, realizing fighting right now was useless, I slumped against the padding beneath me.

  “She was born under the winter solstice,” Bels murmured, a curious note in his voice. “You don’t think… No.”

  “What? Don’t think what?” Ded demanded.

  “Could be, but maybe not…” I could make out my driver’s license as the Elf began tapping the laminated card in his hand.

  “What?!” Ded barked.

  “The Mrs had a sister who went missing several revolutions ago, at least a thousand, give or take a few hundred turns. It was thought Alfka’d been taken by a Krampus or run off with a Baumbel, but... If she’d taken refuge in the human realm, it stands to reason she could have chosen to stay in this crumbling ruin of earthen crust, given up her immortality, accepted the courtship of a human, and procreated.”

  “But why would she do that when she could stay in Hinter?” Ded mumbled, like that was the craziest thing he’d ever heard.

  Bels made a noise that gave me the impression he could name a few reasons but held his tongue.

  “That’s not her, Bels.” Ded let out a long sigh. “She’d be old and dead by now. Humans don’t live that long.” The duh hung heavy in the air.

  “Not that this was her, you popcorn headed, candy cane powder snorting nutcracker, that she was a descendant of Lady Lyddie’s lost kin. Ugh.”

  “Ohhh. That makes much more sense,” Ded replied softly.

  Bels snorted. “Well- ahem, yes, but enough about that.” Clearing his throat, he went on, “I was merely stating if it were true, her birth date added to her heritage would explain why our glamour doesn’t work on her, and why she’s desensitized to the dust the way she is.”

  “A Hinter with a human… Is that even possible?” The hope in Ded’s voice had my body locking up, it was tensed so tight.

  “If I’m right and she’s here, I think the answer is obvious enough,” Bels put in mildly. Turning, circling the sex bench his idiot helper thought had something to do with taking a shit, his toe began to tap, sending the jingling bell at the end of the pointed tip tinkling. “I don’t think that stool is necessarily for strict pooping purposes,” Bels said with a funny sound in his voice.

  Ded sighed heavily, like Bels was a trial to be around. “What else would it be for, then?”

  Bels said nothing, to which I was eternally grateful for considering the furry’s penchant for popping one at a moment’s notice. I had no intention of being the one he tried the bench out with.

  “Bels?” Ded mumbled quizzically.

  “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Bels said suddenly, and then he was moving, lighter steps crunching through the snow. “We should really be going now. Time’s-a-wasting.”

  Ded grunted. “Won’t be long now and the veil will thicken again as daylight takes over.”

  “Best be off, then.” Jingle shoes were once more in my field of vision. So intent on trying to focus on the conversation, while my heart still pounded wildly, I was feeling more in my head than I had since they’d drugged me. “Are you to come willingly, Lumi-maiden, or are we to… persuade you to come along… quietly?”

  I didn’t need to think about this, whatever these two crazy creeps were up to, whatever they were intending my part to be, if I
had any chance of getting out of this, I was better off alert and present.

  “I’ll- I’ll come willingly,” I managed to croak out. My voice was hoarse, a soft whisper.

  “Oo- I’ll carry her!” Ded called jovially, like that was a jolly good idea, to my and Bels’ jointly barked, “No.”

  Ded grumbled something under his breath as a beat passed, filled with unanswered, awkward silence.

  “Gather some winter things, dressings for the trek, and rope if you can find it,” Bels called after Ded as he dutifully rushed off to do the Elf’s bidding.

  This was the weirdest fucking successful kidnapping I’d ever heard of. If I lived to talk about it, I’d be writing my next novel based on this stupid nightmare adventure.

  To try and help assure myself I’d be left unmolested, because someone had to dress me and the idea of Ded’s further offered assistance made my skin crawl, “I’ll do whatever you want, Elf boy, just keep Rudy away from me.”

  There was a jingle, and Bels dipped to stare at me, Gumby-ing his form to stare at me upside down, bent nearly perfectly in half. With a steely-eyed stare, silver swirling unnaturally in his eyes, he gave a sharp nod. “That can be done.” Studying my face from his odd position, he ventured casually, a single ginger brow arching, “Your reticence-”

  “There’s something wrong with your friend. He’s not right in the head. I don’t like the way he looks at me,” I admitted on a whisper. They were both certifiable with all that Hinter and X-mas destiny crap or however it went. And they were running around dressed like loonies from a Christmas special… Strange as it was to admit it, there were moments I almost bought into their weirdness, right before common sense descended upon me once more.

  Just what the fuck was in that dust?

  Straightening, taking the troubled look that overcame his pointy features with him, I heard him mumble under his breath, “Beginning to think the same thing myself…”