Rae of Hope

by W.J. May

  Rae touched her hair, twirling a lock around her fingers.

  Devon coughed. “Well, I should probably get back over to Beth, or I won’t hear the end of it.” He sighed, his eyes traveling back and forth from Beth to Rae. His gaze lingered on her.

  “Are you banned from talking to other girls tonight, or is it just girls from Guilder?” She tried putting on her most innocent face. Seems I’m not the only one with rules.

  “Originally, it was just the Guilder girls, and then you walked into the Oratory looking all beautiful. When Beth found out you’re the girl I tutor, I was mainly banned from talking to you.” Devon grinned mischievously. “Personally, it’s worth the risk. However, I’d better head over before she has a coronary.”

  Rae didn’t want him to walk away but didn’t know what to say to make him stay. She clenched her hands, feeling her nails dig into her palms. Beautiful…he thinks I’m beautiful…Rae was full of competing emotions.

  Devon took a few steps toward Beth. A slower country song started playing and he paused. “Ahh, screw it.” He turned around, his dimple appearing on his cheek.

  “Pardon?” Rae raised her eyebrows at him, wondering what he meant.

  He reached for her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. “If she can’t understand I’m only trying to help a friend fit in, then she can brew.”

  Like a witch. Rae’s heart stuttered faster than her feet as she stumbled to keep up with him. She suddenly felt lightheaded, his warm, rough-skinned hand against hers the only anchor she knew. She wondered if he worked out. It felt like even the tendons in his hand were super strong. If Beth stood scowling at her, Rae had no idea. She couldn’t focus on anything past Devon’s back, then his face when he turned around. He released her hand and slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her tight.

  His body felt firm and muscular as she tentatively brought her hands around his neck. They fit together in all the right places. Perfect. Not too tall and her forearms rested comfortably along his chest and shoulders. She felt his upper body shake and brought her eyes up to meet his. She was shaking deep inside, as well.

  Then she saw the crinkle by his eyes and realized he was laughing. Not mocking, but a guy’s way of giggling. “Wha—”

  “The song.”

  She cocked an ear and tried to make out what the band was playing. When the chorus started, she recognized it and smiled, whispering the words to the song. “…Things will change…People will see…The walls…la la na de da…will fall.”

  “Don’t know the words? Just seems to be your song. Things changing, you knocking down some walls, you against the world.”

  “Hey, you’re the one who taught me about my past. This is your fault.” She squeezed his neck lightly, loving the feel of his soft hair against her fingers.

  He pulled her tight against his hips, trapping her arms against his lean chest. His eyes grew wide, but he didn’t release her. Neither said another word and too soon, the song finished.

  Devon’s hands slid across her back as the last chord rang out. She took a small step back, only to bump into someone very warm and tall.

  “Hey,” Andy said. “I planned to ask you to dance. You didn’t have to jump right into my arms.” He winked at Devon as he spun Rae around in a circle. “Your girlfriend seems pretty pissed.”

  It seemed like it took a conscious effort for Devon to pull his eyes away from Rae’s. “Who…What? Oh shoot, Beth. I gotta go.” He slipped away before Rae had a chance to say anything.

  “So,” Andy said as an upbeat slow song came from the band on the stage. “You’ve had your American cheeseburger, what about the British werewolf?”

  Rae stared at him blankly. Her thoughts were still on Devon, wondering what he was doing behind her.

  “The movie. You know, American Werewolf in London. It’s from, like, eons ago. Probably the seventies.” Andy’s large, sweaty, hot hands pressed against her mid back as he stepped on her toe. She couldn’t help but compare his clumsy presence to Devon’s effortless performance.

  “Oh yeah. I watched that with my uncle years ago.” Rae began concentrating on keeping her tender toes from turning into mashed potatoes. She didn’t get Andy’s joke or what he hinted at.

  “My bad. I’m a bit into all the werewolf movies at the moment.” Andy swung her around and Rae banged into a couple dancing beside them, earning a pair of dirty looks.

  Thankfully, the song ended in time to save her toes and eardrums from Andy. He was really nice, but she just wasn’t interested. I thought he’d never stop talking!

  The rest of the evening sped by. As Molly and Rae waited for Maria and Haley to come outside, they watched the Roe Hampton girls step into their bus. Unable to turn away, Rae watched Devon walk a now happy Beth to her bus, then kiss her in front of everyone. The taste of jealousy lingered in Rae’s mouth and no amount of swallowing helped.

  Chapter 13

  Mail

  October drifted, like the leaves, into November. Her magical dance with Devon and the subsequent disappointment of seeing him kiss Beth didn’t fade so much as it became lower on her list of important things. Midterm exams kept everyone busy. Rae excelled in all her classes, pleased to send a good midterm report back home.

  The week of her birthday she received a thick letter in the mail from her uncle. She dashed up the marble stairs, hoping Molly wouldn’t be in their room. Instinct told her she needed to be alone when she read it.

  Rae opened the door and stopped dead in her tracks. Molly sat at her desk working on her laptop. Rae glanced around the room for an escape. She spotted her wool coat on the back of her chair. She ran in, grabbed the sweater and turned back for the door.

  “Hey, you just got in. Where’re you going now?” Molly didn’t bother to look up from her computer.

  “Hi.” Rae quickly hid the letter under her sweater. Not that it mattered, Molly paid her no attention. “I’m just going to head out for a walk before dinner. For once, it’s not raining.”

  “Cool. I’m still trying to fix my computer.” She hit the top of her desk with a vengeance. “I buggered it up the other day when I tried to use my tatù in the room. Stupid electricity!”

  “Good luck.” Rae pulled the door shut behind her.

  She trotted down the stairs and outside into the brisk air. She thought about the past week as she headed down the concrete steps. Dean Carter had come to talk to her over the weekend to remind her again he expected her to sleep in the Infirmary the night of her birthday. He said the school felt it would be in her best interest if she was there when she woke up with her tatù – a better way to help explain her ink and learn to control it. She couldn’t be sure if the dean felt it was for her benefit or for the school’s. She didn’t argue, only because it hadn’t really been a choice or a question and it didn’t really matter in the end. So, whether she liked it or not, Rae would be spending the night of the fourteenth of November at the stupid Infirmary.

  She’d kept silent about the mix-up on her birth certificate. It’s the one thing I can do on my own. I’ve every right to experience this the way I want, like everyone else.

  Striding past the buildings, she decided to take the path that led through the forest. She’d been on it a number of times in the past month, on walks with Andy, Riley and Nicholas. She felt like a broken record, always maintaining she just wanted to be friends with each of them. Each said they understood but continued to vie for her attention. Even reminding them of the unwritten code didn’t seem to deter them. It soon got tiring trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

  As she headed toward the forest, she contemplated telling Devon the truth about her birthday. After all, it would be nice to have one person she could completely confide in. Checking her watch, she stumbled, realizing her birthday fell on Friday – the thirteenth. No way would she tell Devon. Plus if he got caught knowing, Dean Carter would probably have his head on a platter and she didn’t want to leave him in that situation.

  Rae ente
red into the quiet forest, continuing on the path until she came to the first park bench and plopped down. The cool wind turned into a light breeze inside the forest. The temperature actually felt a few degrees warmer. Relieved no one was around, she pulled out Uncle Argyle’s letter.

  Inside the large envelope were two cards. One a faded pink with creased corners and rather thick, and the other had Uncle Argyle’s quirky handwriting with a note for her to open first. She tore the backing, pulling the card out. A single sheet of paper lay inside, again in the quirky writing.

  Dear Rae,

  I thought to write or phone you many times. I simply did not have the courage to answer your questions. I’m sorry for that. I promised your mother a long time ago I wouldn’t tell you about your ink until the right time. It never seemed to be the right time. When Guilder offered me the chance to have them explain, I believed that was in your best interest. The school knows how to tell you, and the students are whom you’d need to be around. I’m sure you’ve learned about your mother and me. Please do not think ill of me. I never once felt jealous of your mom, and I tried to help her as much as I could. Your mother was very special, and it broke me when she fell in love with your father. I was frustrated with her and kept telling her she’d be making the biggest mistake of her life. I should have done more but, as always, I lacked the courage. When you were born, you became her lesson of love. You were worth everything she had sacrificed and endured.

  I hope you’re able to remember her and recall how much she loved you. Your father had other plans and grew furious when she refused to give him another child – the son he so desired. She knew something was going to come to pass. She sent me a letter to ask me to take care of you should anything happen. She also sent an envelope I should give you on your sixteenth birthday. I’ve enclosed it with this letter.

  Your aunt and I wish you a wonderful birthday. Aunt Linda knows nothing about the ink-stamp, as I have never told her.

  I fear for you and what your ink might be. You are a smart girl and I see so much of your mother in you. However, I repeat the words I told you before you left:

  You can’t undo the past. The sins of the father are the sins of the son. I wish you all the best as you figure out your talents and find out who you are.

  Sincerely,

  Your uncle Argyle

  Rae sat staring at the letter for a long time. It took all her courage to turn to the decade-old envelope beside her. Inside were the last words her mother had wanted to tell her, the last piece of advice she would ever give Rae. Tears welled up in her eyes for the mother she’d lost. It felt like she was losing her mom all over again. However, this time she knew what she’d be missing and how much it hurt.

  Wishing desperately her mother could be here with her now, she tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Her uncle’s letter brought little comfort. No surprise, it’s typical of him.

  What if she turned into something bad, something evil? Maybe it would be better if she weren’t on her own. What if I hurt Molly? Even by mistake it could be serious.

  She understood from her lessons the ink’s powers would grow with her. It would be weak when it was born and would take time to strengthen within her. So she had assumed all this time that she wouldn’t be a danger to anybody. What if she were wrong?

  Rae shook her head, confused and unsure what to think or do. She debated about waiting to open her mother’s card until Friday. She stood and paced around the bench. Blowing her bangs away from her forehead, she swore. Walking in circles didn’t help.

  Angry at herself for being so indecisive, she plunked down onto the bench. She ripped open the envelope, pulling the card out quickly, making it impossible to change her mind.

  The cover of the card froze Rae in her tracks. It was very pretty, something a young child would like – something she had loved as a kid. Instantly the tears fell and no amount of blinking could stop them. Loads of sparkles in different shades of pink covered the card, with a beautiful princess in the middle.

  When she was five and six she loved to color and do crafts with sparkles, glitter glue and markers. She always used pinks. Her mom would hang everything up in the conservatory. The memory brought on a fresh flood of tears. After the fire she never used the color pink and seldom did crafts or coloring, unless she had to at school. She swallowed, wiping her eyes and exhaling a long breath. With shaking hands, she reverently opened the card. Inside sat a letter in her mother’s neat cursive. She remembered that writing. When she was little, she had thought it the most beautiful writing in the world. Taking another deep breath, Rae slowly read the page, trying to absorb everything straight into her heart, to a secret place where she could keep it all safe forever.

  My Dearest Rae,

  Happy 16th Birthday, love!

  It seems surreal I’m writing this letter to you now, as you sit here beside me drawing a picture, and only six years old. I don’t want to write this, but when something happens, I want to be able to explain to my daughter the choices I’ve made in my life. I also want you to know I am very proud of you.

  I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you when you receive your ink. I’ve wondered so often what your gift will be. You’re such a beautiful, talented little girl right now. I’m assured you will have that same inner beauty and talent go into your ink. I pray you will have the splendor and goodness from my gift and the capability of your father’s.

  I have asked Argyle to tell you nothing, unless he has to, or until you are close to sixteen. I’m sorry I never told you about the tatù, but your unknowing will have saved your life more times than you will ever understand.

  You will, by now, know what kind of man your father was. I’m sorry I didn’t see his true self at first, and sorry again that I couldn’t change him. I loved him once, despite his faults. That love gave me you and for that, I have no regrets. I may not have been able to help him, but I am able to save you.

  FLAMES TO DUST. That is what my father taught me of my ink. That was my destiny – my destiny, Rae, so that you will live. Others will see this differently, but never lose sight of the bare truth – you would live and become what you are meant to be – that is YOUR destiny. One day, I hope Argyle will tell you about your grandfather.

  Always stand tall and walk proud, Rae. You have such wonderful promise and I know, difficult as it may be, you’ll find your way. Your father’s demons will try to tempt you, but don’t listen. You’re going to be more powerful than your father ever was and that is why he fears you. The wrong temptations will challenge you, but every time you don’t give in to them, you’ll strengthen your gift. You have a tough road ahead of you, but I know you’ll create your own path and make your own stamps in life. Don’t ever lose sight of that, and know that you are special.

  Through you, I will always shine. My tatù is a sun and that is why I named you Rae. You are my Rae of Sun, my Rae of Hope.

  I love you more than life itself,

  Yours truly,

  Always and Forever,

  Mother XOXOXO

  Rae read the letter again and again. Her throat felt so painful and tight, she could barely breathe. No amount of swallowing made the throbbing lump disappear. She could hear her mother saying the words as if she were right beside her, whispering in her ear.

  When she tried reading it again, she tenderly put the letter away, fearing her salty tears might ruin the ink on the sacred paper. Her mother had sacrificed everything. She’d planned everything to make sure Rae reached her sixteenth birthday.

  Rae slipped the letters inside her coat and slid off the bench to walk.

  You can’t undo the past, Rae. Her uncle’s words jeered at her as she plodded further down the path. She wished her uncle was standing right in front of her so she could scream at him. She’d curse just about anyone right now.

  Glaring up to the encroaching darkness, Rae checked her watch and realized dinnertime had already started. She felt like skipping the evening meal, heading back to her room a
nd locking the door to have a good cry. The idea of trying to hold a conversation with anyone filled her with dread.

  Swearing, she turned around to head back to the dorms. With her birthday only days away, now was definitely not the time to show the professors anything might be amiss. The last thing she needed was more of them breathing down her neck, constantly monitoring her every move. She pounded the ground with each step, getting angrier and more frustrated by the moment.

  Exiting the forest, she made a conscience effort to take some deep breaths. She focused on putting that anger deep inside, to use at another time. She needed to act like everything was perfectly fine by the time she got to the Refectory. Counting to five with each inhalation and exhalation, she willed herself to relax. She ran her fingers under her eyes and checked to make sure no mascara had run down or smudged.

  By the time she reached the Refectory, she appeared physically calm. She nipped inside, quickly hanging her coat up before checking the seating chart. Relieved to be sitting at Andy and Devon’s table tonight, it would save trying to make conversation with Molly or trying to avoid Maria’s worried gaze.

  She tried to walk inconspicuously into the hall but could feel eyes of the professors and students turn toward her. She smiled at Headmaster Lanford, determined to hide her true emotions. He nodded back, and then returned to his meal. Rae slid into the empty seat between Andy and Devon and reached for a bun. She put all her concentration into lathering it with butter.

  “You’re a bit late tonight,” Andy commented.

  “I went for a walk and lost track of time.” She could feel Andy stiffen as he glanced up toward the door. She followed his gaze and watched Riley enter the dining hall.

  “Did you walk alone?”

  “Andy! Give her a break. It’s none of your business.” Devon leaned behind Rae, punching Andy in the shoulder. Andy gave him a dirty look but grinned sheepishly at Rae.

  “Sorry,” he said.