Dani's Shorts 3

by Dani J Caile

  "Yes...nice outfit. Now, can I order? Or are you going to talk to that brick wall behind you all day? And knight. Ha!"

  "Please, sir, no knight jokes. Poor Ted is still trying to get over his last customer. I think it was the 'tinned food' joke. But then, it would be, wouldn't it, folks?"

  "Oh dear. I'll have two Flamethrower Chicken Wraps, please, one Side Salad, and two Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzard Treats."

  "Any drink with that, sir? You know, we always have to ask that, folks, the amount of times people eat our Flamethrowers and come rushing back to order a drink..."

  "Stop talking to the wall. Yes, okay, you have a point. Erm, no, not drinks. I'll have two Peanut Butter Sundaes, please."

  "We're doing a special on Chillers at the moment. Wouldn't you like to change your order and try a couple of Strawberry Lemonade DQ Chillers?"

  "No, no, thanks, and watch out for that spear of yours, you almost took my eye out with that."

  "Spear? Spear! This is a halberd, sir! It has an axe, a spike and a thorn at the back of the axe. It is said that one of these sliced through the back of King Richard III's skull at the battle of Bosworth! And that a Swiss peasant used one of these to kill Charles the Bold, the Duke of Burgundy, ending the Burgundian Wars in a single stroke! This, sir, is not a spear! Was that a bit too strong, folks? I thought I did quite well."

  "Really? Well, thanks for the history lesson, and your suit is very nice, indeed, but all I want is my food. Can you deal with that instead of waving your six foot weapon around and talking to the wall? Oh, forget it, I'll go over to that all-night diner...hey, all 'knight' diner, ha! Put that on your halbred and smoke it. Have a nice day!"

  "Why you...!"

  Weekend Quickie 46 - 5 Years later

  (image - alien baby, element - 5 years later, emotion - denial)

  "Ah-ha! I finally found it!" Josh threw down a black half-filled binliner on the shop counter.

  "What'ya find, Josh?" Berk picked at his teeth with his fish knife.

  "You goddamn know exactly what I found! 5 years it's taken me! 5 years I struggled an' suffered in this damn town because you...you did what you did!" The bedraggled old man dropped his spade, took off his gloves and delved into the bag.

  "I've no idea what you're on about. I'll ring the nuthouse again, they're doing a special, call and get a straightjacket free." Berk moved to his fingernails.

  "You can't deny this anymore, Berk! I've got evidence! I found what you took away that night, 5 years ago!" Josh's hands clasped on something metal and pulled out a cylindrical container. "Now no one will call me crazy ever again!"

  "Get that dirty thing off my counter," mumbled Berk, still uninterested.

  "No! Not until you see it! Not until you admit I was right!" He ripped open the lid and poured the contents in front of them. "See! Now can you say I'm crazy? It's an alien, an alien baby! They came, we saw...yuck!"

  "What d'ya expect, 5 years later?"

  76 - (Grudge 8) – Generation Gap

  (a pink fairy armadillo, Mason jar, Mount St. Helen, a Wii U)

  "You still on that…thing?"

  "It’s a Wii U, Dad."

  "We, you, me?"

  "Dad."

  "A what?"

  "A Wii U Gamepad to be precise. See, it’s connected to the TV. You bought it, Dad, and you don’t remember what it is?"

  "I got the latest thing for you but I didn’t know you’d be on it all day and night. How about doing something else?"

  "Like what?"

  "Err, your homework?"

  "It’s the holidays, Dad."

  "No projects to do?"

  "Done."

  "How about your drawing? Why don’t you do some of that?"

  "Not in the mood. I’d rather play Mario."

  "What about your…err…dolls?"

  "Dolls? Dad, I’m fourteen, I stopped playing with Barbie a long time ago."

  "Come on, you must have some other hobbies?"

  "Not really."

  "Err…your postcard collection? I remember you used to beg me to bring some back with me when I went on a trip."

  "It’s up there. Haven’t touched them for months."

  "There! Your rock collection, all those rocks on the windowsill, including a rock from the pyroclastic flows of Mount St. Helen. Why don’t we go out in the car and find some real interesting specimens over in the gravel pits?"

  "No thanks, Dad."

  "What…what about pets? You were doing so well with that…what was it?"

  "A pink fairy armadillo, Dad. You could’ve bought me a terrapin like any ordinary parent."

  "What was wrong with a…a…what was it again?"

  "A pink fairy armadillo. Wrong with it? I guess you didn’t know that 95% of them in captivity die of stress and diet within eight weeks."

  "You had it for…?"

  "Four weeks."

  "I don’t recall…what happened to it?"

  "The neighbour’s cat got to it. Look, I put what I could find in that Mason jar."

  "Yuck. Yeah, right, okay. Well, erm, what about that embroidery stuff you had? You loved that!"

  "Benny poked his eye with a needle and Mum threw it all in the trash."

  "Uh-huh. It was strange, that. He walked around for hours with that thing sticking out of the centre of his pupil. He didn’t tell us because it didn’t hurt. I worry about that kid…friends, your friends, what about your friends? Why don’t you call one of them up, see what they’re up to?"

  "I’ve got seven of them online right now, on chat, and I’m also playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl with one of them."

  "Oh, right. Well, aren’t you going to invite them over?"

  "Four are out of state, two are in Europe and one is in hospital."

  "Oh dear, is she okay?"

  "He. Bone marrow transplant. Not so pleasant."

  "No, quite. Where’s your mother?"

  "Out."

  "And your brother?"

  "Cycling around the estate with his mates. Want some popcorn?"

  "Err, sure, okay. So, what are you playing?"

  "Thought I said. Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Wanna try?"

  "Err, why not! Hand it over."

  "I’ll go and get some drinks."

  "Hey! This is cool! Why didn’t you say before?"

  "Where have you been for the last 10 years, Dad?"

  "Have…hey!...have you got any racing games?"

  Weekend Quickie 47 - Protection

  (image - 2 people with snorkels in a lake, element - Iron Writer Convention, emotion - irony)

  Being the 2015 Annual Final winner, Mathew had to go, but as he was still in the Iron Writer Protection Program, he wore his suit of armour...at the First Iron Writer Convention...held in a bathing spa.

  "Hey, it's Mat! Come on in!" welcomed Brian, waving him to join the group of Iron Writers in the warm thermal baths. Michael, Mackenzie and Jordan were sipping beers by the side while Amanda, Mamie and Danielle, all wearing snorkels, were messing around, trying to pull down Tony's trunks. Tannis couldn't be there, while Dani was sulking in the corner of the pool, alone, depressed, anxious for paper and pen to rid himself of his demons. In fact, wherever Mathew looked, there were Iron Writers coming out of the walls...Laura, Moira, Chris...Richard, Alis, the names ran through his mind as the sweat flowed under his suit.

  "Oh, I would LOVE to join you," he said with all the irony he could muster. With that, he slipped, fell into the pool and sank to the bottom. After a struggle and a fight, he saved himself from drowning, losing the suit...and revealing who he was to the entire group.

  "Well, that's irony for ya," muttered Dani.

  77 – Ted’s Lucky Cap

  Jeff sat there in the dugout eating his apple baked gluten free oatmeal cake and stared out through his taped up presription glasses.

  "Hey, Ted! How many are we down?"

  "Three runs and four players."

  "Eh? Four players?" Jeff continued to grind his way through his
snack. He was up to the plate soon and needed the energy.

  "The way that pitcher's throwing, you'll need a suit of armour out there. Never seen so many body hits."

  "I did hear something about this guy being the 'hit by pitch' champion last season."

  Another victim got hit, falling to the ground as the small crowd groaning in sympathy. The umpire shouted back to the pitcher about going easy on the body shots but all the guy did was stand there on the mound and shrugged his shoulders.

  "Lousy pitches."

  "I remember when you tried a few up on the pitcher's mound, Jeff. Couldn't even get the ball to the catcher."

  The remainder of the oatmeal cake went down the wrong way and another player had to punch him in the back to stop him choking to death. Once he'd got his breath back, Ted continued.

  "But they're up by three. And we're only in the second."

  "Good point. I guess you gotta get out there and show that guy what you're made of, Ted." Jeff laughed, knowing Ted had some of the worst batting stats in the club's history, with .185 last season and a struggling .206 in this.

  "Nah, my lucky cap ain't feeling right today. Think I'm gonna do as coach says, hit for a single and get those bases loaded." Ted turned his moth-eaten cap around and around on his head. It had so many patches, Jeff wondered whether any original part still existed.

  "That cap of yours is like Locke's sock."

  "Whose sock? It's a cap not a sock. Why the hell would I put a smelly old sock on my head. And who's Locke? Does he play on first base?"

  "No, that's Hu."

  "Who?"

  "Yeah, him, the Chinese guy."

  "Oh, him."

  "No, I'm saying that there's nothing left of that lucky cap of yours."

  Ted inspected his cap and nodded.

  "Same as this team. We’re the only members left from the old team who won the league two years ago. Is it the same? No, it ain't."

  "Nebrowski! You're up!" shouted the coach to Ted.

  "Damn," whispered Ted under his breath.

  "Want me to hold your hand, Ted?" asked Jeff, drinking his plain milk.

  "Hold my hand? No way. Looks like you struck out there, Jeff, ha! Nah, I'm gonna go and hit that pitcher for a home run."

  "Yeah, go for it, Ted. You're a great player, a wonder. We wonder why you're here." The rest of the dugout laughed with Jeff as Ted walked to the plate. One curveball and a slider later, Ted hit the third pitch, a changeup, for a home run.

  "Way ta go, Ted!"

  "It's the cap, Jeff, the cap!"

  Weekend Quickie 48 - The Fawn of Sertorius

  (image - fawn following boz to a standing school bus, element - a forgotten rule, emotion - prescience)

  Ben’s hand felt wet. It wasn’t the only thing.

  “What…?”

  In front of his face stood a deer, a fawn.

  “Hello, Ben.”

  This animal was talking to him, without words. It had also made him wet the bed by licking his hand.

  “Who are you?”

  “I am the Fawn of Sertorius and I bring you a prediction.”

  “The Fawn of Sertori who?”

  “Sertorius. I am an infamous fawn with prescience abilities.”

  “Oh.”

  Ben wished he’d predicted a fawn in his room in the morning. Now he’d have to hide all evidence of his little accident from his mom.

  “Whatever you do, Ben, don’t turn on the power switch in today’s Physics experiment. Allow Steven to do it instead.”

  “What? Steven? Yeah, okay, whatever.”

  He looked at his alarm clock.

  “Oh no! It’s 7.15, I’ve gotta get to school!”

  Ben grabbed his lunchbox and ran outside for the bus. The fawn came out after him.

  “Remember, Ben, don’t turn on the switch!”

  He nodded back to the beast and heard jeering and taunts from the hardnuts on the bus and then remembered that old forgotten rule – never allow a fawn to follow you to the school bus on a Wednesday.

  78 – Twigs

  (poodle, thimble, alarm, birds as characters)

  "Morning, Bert!"

  "Morning, Bernie!"

  The two magpies perched on their favourite branch of the old oak.

  "What's up?"

  "Ah, the missus wants some more twigs for the nest. You?"

  "Same here. It ain't enough to feed 'em, you gotta home 'em, too."

  They screeched together, attracting the attention of humans walking below in the park.

  "Those humans, I wonder what they're all doing down there?" asked Bernie.

  "Probably searching for food. See? On the bench? Two of them are sharing food, one is regurgigating their food and passing it over to the other."

  "I believe they call that 'kissing', Bert."

  "Well, they seem to have a lot of food. And one of them is grooming the other at the same time."

  "I believe they call that grop..."

  "What's that?"

  "What's what, Bert?"

  "Oh, it's so shiny..."

  Bernie recognised the object below as a thimble. Bert could never resist anything shiny, his nest was full of bits and bobs, useless but to him they meant the world.

  "Oh, it's so shiny..."

  "Bert, no! Don't do it!"

  "I must! I must!"

  Bert flew off the branch and swooped down into the grass right next to the shiny silver thimble someone had dropped in the park. No sooner had the poor bird started hopping closer, a poodle came out of nowhere and chased Bert away, with the loss of a few feathers and a stack of pride. The dog's owner shouted some orders and the poodle left but Bert came right back up to the branch and looked like a bird with an inner turmoil.

  "I must have it, I must!"

  "There are always dangers, Bert, especially in the park. Keep to the trees, that's what my Ma used to say."

  "Before she got eaten by that deer."

  "How was she to know it wasn't just being friendly? Whoever heard of deers eating birds?"

  Both magpies shivered, remembering that sordid day.

  "I'm gonna crap all over that poodle if I ever see it again."

  "You do that."

  "But I really must have that shiny..."

  "It's only a thimble, Bert. There'll be others."

  "But it's so shin...what? What's that?"

  Bernie held his head in his wings.

  "What now?"

  "Something over there, on that large building. The sun keeps catching it...there it is again!"

  "Oh, that." Bert had spotted the bell of the alarm on the factory at the edge of the industrial estate.

  "Bert, that's an alarm."

  "Well, it's not on the ground and away from pesky poodles. I'm not gonna be denied again today."

  Off he flew, dodging an attack from a fearce blackbird defending his territory and landed on the roof a few inches away from the alarm's shiny bell.

  "Bert, no! You can't take it!" screeched Bernie across the park.

  "I'm not going home empty-beaked!" Bert started pulling on the bell, digging his claws into the ceramic roof tiles and using all his strength. Some time later he flew back over to Bernie waiting on the branch.

  "Twigs?"

  "Twigs."

  Weekend Quickie 49 - Intriguing

  (image - rollerskating inside venue, element - a Saturday afternoon, emotion - intrigue)

  Another Saturday afternoon rollerskating in the Rec, going round in circles, the same way, of course. Anyone caught trying any fancy stuff or going the wrong way would be called out on the loudspeaker. But we had free rein of the gym area and a chance to do something other than hang around doing nothing but laughing at kids walking by. There was also a long terrace area which spanned the length of the hall.

  "Who's that?" I nodded over to the girl on the terrace drinking from a large 2 litre Fanta bottle, but it wasn't Fanta inside.

  "That? That's John's sister. She's a bit young for y
ou. Two years down."

  "What's in the bottle, d'ya think?"

  "Ha! That's probably lager or cider."

  She intrigued me. I'd heard of her in school but no one pays attention to anything there. Even from this distance she'd got the looks in the family.

  "Why isn't she skating?"

  "Who knows. Why don't ya go and ask her, cradle snatcher? Oi, John! Dave likes your sister!"

  "You keep your dirty little hands off my sister!"

  "Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?"

  A 6 foot brick shithouse walked over to her and kissed her.

  "Him!"

  List of elements for Challenges 53-78 (including Grudge Matches 5-8, Duel 1, Flash in the Pans, Impromtu relays, Genre Mash-up tests, the Spring Open, the Annual Final and extras) and Weekend Quickies 24-49

  53 - The Rotarua Hot Pools, the only lost book in the world, pearl brooch, floor wax

  First Annual 2014 Iron Blog Tour - iron, quill, birthday cake, 1 element from 1st challenge (changed to 1 element from all 52 challenges, all written in order within story, except for Ch. 51, with the 1 element throughout)

  Duel 1 (Grudge 4) - parody of a piece of children's literature, la bella de la plata, Invasion of the Flying Vampires (from chart - DJC)

  Impromptu Challenge (Dr. Seuss' birthday) - 200-500 word limit, written in the style of Dr. Seuss

  54 - Ensign Chekov, scrapbooking convention, airport security, watermelon

  55 (Grudge 5) - coyote, snow plow, 1936 Chevy Corvette, the Zombie Apocalypse

  56 - The Curse of the Hope Diamond, deflated beach ball, hyena, a holiday in the country you have never visited

  Flash in the Pan - Cerreda Medellin Blues - Jack Kerouac

  Flash in the Pan - Palindrome - "I madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad, am I?"

  57 - 24 miniature plastic dinosaurs of various kinds, vegamite, Outside Tire Motorcyle, sewing machine

  Flash in the Pan - tiny story based on 2 Shakespearean insults : "Ye Eater of Broken Meats!" and "Have fun, you embossed carbuncles!"

  Daily Flash - 5 minutes : Genre - Fantasy, Start with: Audra left her sword at home that day...End with: ...and the world was safe once more.

  Flash in the Pan - Describe a colour without using a colour word

  58 ( TIW Spring Open Preliminary round) - A Bridge on the edge of a cliff, a kitchen apron, fruit scented lotion, your favorite karaoke song.