Skilled Assistance

by W. W. Jacobs

my 'ead. 'Time passes, and they mightcome back afore you think.'

  "'Well, wot of it?' ses 'Arry.

  "'Wot of it?' I ses. 'Why, it'ud spoil everything. It 'ud be blueruin.'

  "'Are you sure?' ses 'Arry'.

  "'Sartin,' I ses.

  "'Well, make it five quid, and I'll go, then,' he ses, sitting down agin.

  "I couldn't believe my ears at fust, but when I could I drew myself upand told 'im wot I thought of 'im; and he sat there and laughed at me.

  "'Why, you called me a masterpiece just now,' he ses. 'I shouldn't bemuch of a masterpiece if I let a chance like this slip. Why, I shouldn'tbe able to look myself in the face. Where's the skipper?'

  "'Sitting in the "Albion",' I ses, 'arf choking.

  "'Go and tell 'im it's five quid,' ses 'Arry. 'I don't mean five more,on'y four. Some people would ha' made it five, but I like to deal squareand honest.'

  "I run over for the skipper in a state of mind that don't bear thinkingof, and he came back with me, 'arf crazy. When we got to the cabin wefound the door was locked, and, arter the skipper 'ad told Artful wothe'd do to 'im if he didn't open it, he 'ad to go on deck and talk to 'imthrough the skylight.

  "'If you ain't off of my ship in two twos,' he ses, 'I'll fetch apoliceman.'

  "'You go and fetch four pounds,' ses 'Arry; 'that's wot I'm waiting for,not a policeman. Didn't the watchman tell you?'

  "'The bargain was for one pound,' ses the skipper, 'ardly able to speak.

  "'Well, you tell that to the policeman,' ses Artful 'Arry.

  "It was no use, he'd got us every way; and at last the skipper turns out'is pockets, and he ses, 'Look 'ere,' he ses, 'I've got seventeen andtenpence ha' penny. Will you go if I give you that?'

  "''Ow much has the watchman got?' ses 'Arry. 'His lodger lost 'is pursethe other day.'

  "I'd got two and ninepence, as it 'appened, and then there was moretrouble because the skipper wouldn't give 'im the money till he 'ad gone,and 'e wouldn't go till he 'ad got it. The skipper gave way at last, andas soon as he 'ad got it 'Arry ses, 'Now 'op off and borrer the rest, andlook slippy about it.'

  "I put one hand over the skipper's mouth fust, and then, finding that wasno good, I put the other. It was no good wasting bad langwidge on 'Arry.

  "I pacified the skipper at last, and arter 'Arry 'ad swore true 'e'd gowhen 'e'd got the money, the skipper rushed round to try and raise it.It's a difficult job at the best o' times, and I sat there on theskylight shivering and wondering whether the skipper or Mrs. Muffit wouldturn up fust.

  "Hours seemed to pass away, and then I see the wicket in the gate open,and the skipper come through. He jumped on deck without a word, andthen, going over to the skylight, 'anded down the money to 'Arry.

  "'Right-o,' ses 'Arry. 'It on'y shows you wot you can do by trying.'

  "He unlocked the door and came up on deck, looking at us very careful,and playing with 'is stick.

  "'You've got your money,' ses the skipper; 'now go as quick as you can.'

  "'Arry smiled and nodded at him. Then he stepped on to the wharf and wasjust moving to the gate, with us follering, when the wicket opened and incame Mrs. Muffit and Uncle Dick.

  "'There he is,' ses Uncle Dick. 'That's the man!'

  "Mrs. Muffit walked up to 'im, and my 'art a'most stopped beating. Herface was the colour of beetroot with temper, and you could 'ave heard herbreath fifty yards away.

  "'Ho!' she says, planting 'erself in front of Artful 'Arry, 'so you'rethe man that ses you're my 'usband, are you?'

  "'That's all right,' ses 'Arry, 'it's all a mistake.'

  "'MISTAKE?' ses Mrs. Muffit.

  "'Mistake o' Bill's,' ses 'Arry, pointing to me. 'I told 'im I thought'e was wrong, but 'e would 'ave it. I've got a bad memory, so I left itto 'im.'

  "'Ho!' ses Mrs. Muffit, taking a deep breath. 'Ho! I thought as much.Wot 'ave you got to say for yourself--eh?'

  "She turned on me like a wild cat, with her 'ands in front of her. I'vebeen scratched once in my life, and I wasn't going to be agin, so, fixingmy eyes on 'er, I just stepped back a bit, ready for 'er. So long as Ikept my eye fixed on 'ers she couldn't do anything. I knew that.Unfortunately I stepped back just a inch too far, and next moment I wentover back'ards in twelve foot of water.

  "Arter all, p'r'aps it was the best thing that could have 'appened to me;it stopped her talking. It ain't the fust time I've 'ad a wet jacket;but as for the skipper, and pore Uncle Dick--wot married her--they'vebeen in hot water ever since."