Visible Lives

by Stanley Bennett Clay

  Raheim: I feel it’s too early to be blasting the President as a failure. Look at what he inherited and what he has to try and clean up. And I said try and clean up ’cause there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to fix things. We waited two hundred plus years for a Black man to take the wheel; many of us never thought we’d live to see this day. So I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  DJ: Given his slow response to gay and lesbian issues, was it difficult for you all to accept the invitation to the White House?

  Raheim: The President called—you think we weren’t going to go?

  [Laughter]

  DJ: But in giving him the benefit of the doubt, aren’t you ignoring that he believes marriage should remain a sacred union between a man and a woman?

  Mitchell: Well, that’s what he’s saying today.

  DJ: So you believe that he does support marriage equality but won’t publically for political reasons?

  Mitchell: I don’t believe he cares that much about it one way or another but, because he is a politician, has to take a particular stand that scores him the most points. A decade ago, saying he supported it didn’t mean much; but today, it does. The Sean Insanitys, Bill O’Lie-lys, and Rush Limbigots would love to hang the “homo lover” sign around his neck, too.

  Raheim: They would just love to hang him up by his neck, period.

  DJ: You know it. You got a way with words, Mitchell. Sean Insanity. I gotta use that one!

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: I just wish he wouldn’t use religion as a crutch. Even if he honestly believes that, in hetero marriages, “God is in the mix,” why even say that? Does that mean the unions of SGL people aren’t or can’t be blessed by God? Folks said similar things about couples like his parents forty-plus years ago, that this so-called sacred institution would be tainted by legalizing interracial marriages.

  DJ: Doesn’t his using that as a crutch mean he’s not a friend of gays and lesbians?

  Mitchell: If he’s not our friend, does that mean he’s our enemy? The president is not standing in the way of our being a couple and living our lives. If he were actively pushing anti-gay laws and propositions, it’d be a different story. And our support doesn’t solely depend on where he stands on this one issue. And we don’t agree with everything he says or does. You couldn’t with any politician.

  DJ: Speaking of that so-called sacred institution, you two were officially married in June 2005 in Boston.

  Mitchell: Yes.

  DJ: I remember seeing that photo of you with your son and daughter. Was that one of, if not the happiest day of your lives?

  Mitchell: Most definitely one of. Right up there with the birth of our children.

  Raheim: And the night we met.

  DJ: Ooh, the night y’all met. We’re gonna get to that in a minute. But back to the wedding: who proposed?

  Raheim: I did.

  DJ: Was it a surprise, Mitchell?

  Mitchell: It was such a surprise that I fainted.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: You didn’t really faint!

  Raheim: He did.

  DJ: Why did you faint?

  Mitchell: Because I never expected him to do it. I figured that if it happened, I’d be the one getting down on one knee.

  DJ: Why, ’cause he’s not romantic?

  Mitchell: Raheim is very romantic, always has been. But you have to have an openness about your life and be comfortable in your own skin to take that kind of step. The first three years of our relationship, his family, including his son, didn’t know who I really was and what I really meant to him. And given how freaked out he was over my best friends’ getting married in ’94, I assumed that if anyone would pop the question, it would be me.

  DJ: How freaked out were you?

  Raheim: Man, I made the mistake of telling him that, since I am uncomfortable attending a gay wedding, that he shouldn’t attend either.

  DJ: Not attend his best friends’ wedding? You was trippin’!

  Raheim: I was.

  Mitchell: So for him to go from hiding me and hiding us to holding me and holding us up was major.

  DJ: I take it you said yes.

  Mitchell: After I came to in his arms, yes.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Did he put an engagement ring on your finger?

  Mitchell: He did.

  DJ: And was it a Rock of Gibraltar?

  Mitchell [chuckles]: It was.

  DJ: Did you go on a honeymoon?

  Mitchell: Yes. To the Virgin Islands.

  DJ: Nice. How long were you there?

  Raheim: Six days.

  DJ: Huh. There was a whole lotta baby-makin’ goin’ on down there!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: How did your children feel about your getting married?

  Mitchell: They were all for it. I’ve known Errol for most his life; we met when he was five. I think he always knew we were a couple and saw the love between us. So it was easy for him to love me and love us together, and see us as a family. And Destiny has always loved herself some Raheim; he named her and she has a smile for him that she doesn’t wear for anyone else.

  DJ: We always hear about gay and lesbian teens getting grief for who they are but we never hear about the children of gays and lesbians and what they go through. Have your kids had to face homophobia?

  Raheim: Yeah. Before we got married we talked about there being people who hate us for no other reason than we exist, who think we shouldn’t love each other or be raising them. We deal with it [homophobia] as a family because when you tell our daughter that she has faggot fathers or try to pick a fight with our son, you are attacking all of us.

  Mitchell: Anyone who has stepped to us in the wrong way has learned very quickly that if you fuck with my family, I will fuck over you.

  [Hoots, hollers and applause]

  Mitchell: I’m sorry, Destiny. Daddy cursed—twice—but it was very necessary.

  Raheim: While I’ve gotten less gangsta over the years, he’s gotten more gangsta.

  DJ: And who usually steps to you all the wrong way? Blacks? Whites?

  Mitchell: Most of the slights and indignities we receive come from folks with melanin.

  DJ: Does that bother you more because it comes from folks who know what it’s like to be discriminated against?

  Mitchell: It doesn’t bother me more; it just disappoints me. I don’t subscribe to the misguided notion that just because a particular group knows what bigotry feels like means they won’t act in a similar manner towards others. In fact it’s very condescending; there’s a “You people ought to know better” tone to many discussions surrounding homophobia in Black America, and that finger-wagging is often coming from white gays and lesbians who are doing less than nothing to challenge racism in themselves and others. Well, Black folks have just as much right to be prejudiced as anyone else. Sad fact, but true. That’s what makes one human; their faults and foibles. Of course, just because it may be a natural human occurrence throughout history doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. It is disgusting that Bernice King is pissing on her father and his legacy.

  DJ: Isn’t that something? And now she heads the group that Bayard Rustin, a Black gay man, helped create.

  Mitchell: She is pimping her lineage, holding it up as justification for her bigotry. You want to stand on the side of Bull Connor and George Wallace? That’s your thang, do what you wanna do. Just don’t insult our intelligence or attempt to speak for a man you never knew. You don’t know what he’d think about SGL people marrying or whether the gay rights movement is parallel to the Freedom Movement. But I do believe the woman who gave birth to you, the woman he shared most of his adult life with, the woman who continued his work after he was taken from us, would know.

  DJ: You are just droppin’ the science, Mitchell. We’re gonna let folks marinate on that and take a break. We’ll be right back.

  DJ: This is DJ and you’re listening to Da Spot. I’m back with my special guests Raheim Rivers and Mitchel
l Crawford, the country’s—if not the world’s—premier Black male couple. Now, you have two children in total?

  Raheim: Yeah. Our son, Raheim Errol the Third, is twenty-one; he’s getting his master’s at NYU in aeronautical engineering. And, our daughter, Destiny, is eleven; she just appeared in the Broadway musical, Billy Elliot.

  DJ: Now, Raheim the Third is your biological son…

  Raheim: Yup.

  DJ: And Destiny is adopted.

  Mitchell: Yes.

  DJ: Given your public lives, there must be added pressure and stress on all of you. How do you balance the personal and the professional?

  Mitchell: There’s always going to be stress and pressure—you just have to make them work for you.

  Raheim: Like my pops says, “Take it half a day at a time.”

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Half a day at a time?

  Raheim: Yeah. You’re usually asleep for close to a third of it and spend almost another third just keeping your balance, getting from point A to B.

  DJ: Who is the king of the castle?

  Raheim: Depends on the day of the week.

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: And the time of day.

  [More laughter]

  Raheim: No one rules the roost. We are a team. So there isn’t this tug of war over control. And we know each other, we know who should take the lead in something, and don’t trip about them doing it. That’s a mistake some male couples make, that somebody has to be the boss, the man….

  DJ: That, like our boi Joe says, “Somebody’s Gotta Be On Top.”

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Let’s go back to the night y’all met. Give us the when, where, and how.

  Mitchell: We met at Harry’s bar in the Village.

  DJ: Get out! I don’t remember seein’ y’all there.

  Raheim: Probably because we never went back after that night.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: You remember the date?

  Mitchell: June 5, 1993.

  DJ: Really?

  Raheim: Yup.

  DJ: Wow. How do you remember that exact date?

  Mitchell: How could we not?

  Raheim: Turns out it’s also our son’s birthday.

  DJ: Sweet. So, if you remember the exact date, you gotta remember the first time you saw each other. [Pause] Now, see, y’all should’ve seen the look they just gave each other. Like it was yesterday, huh? [Pause] See, now they’re noddin’ and grinnin’ like crazy, done got even closer, and holdin’ the other’s hand tighter. A’ight, let’s hear it.

  Mitchell: I spotted him coming into the bar.

  DJ: You remember what he was wearing?

  Mitchell: A green cap, green-striped form-fitting shirt, and khakis tucked inside his Timbs.

  DJ: Day-um! You had him on ex-ray!

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: I did.

  DJ: How ’bout you, Raheim?

  Raheim: Light brown shirt, brown sandals, and stone-washed jeans that fit him perfectly.

  DJ: Ha, we know what you was after!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: How long after did y’all know this is it?

  Mitchell: Three or four months.

  DJ: Did it just sneak up on you?

  Raheim: Hell yeah. I didn’t go looking for it. I was too busy bein’ a Mac, just tryin’ to get me some. I wasn’t even thinking about fallin’ in love. Even when I was all in it and it was staring me in my face, I tried to wave it off, ignore it. Even my moms saw it.

  DJ: Did she?

  Raheim: Yeah. She saw I was mopin’ around, had no appetite, playin’ nothin’ but quiet storm music. She asked, “Are you in love?” And it hit me.

  DJ: Bam!

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: It was definitely lust at first sight. I didn’t think something else would grow out of it. Which proves that you really can’t judge a book by its cover.

  DJ: So you two have been goin’ strong ever since.

  Mitchell: We broke up in ’99 and reunited in ’03.

  DJ: Really? What happened?

  Raheim: My addiction took over my life.

  DJ: Oh, your gambling?

  Raheim: Yeah.

  DJ: I’m sure there must be listeners who are or know someone who is going through the same thing. Can you talk a little about it?

  Raheim [sighs]: I just got caught up, man.

  DJ: In?

  Raheim: In being a celebrity, in wanting to be some-body. I lost myself and lost sight of what was really important. All that mattered was gettin’ that high.

  DJ: Ah. Your separation must’ve been really hard on the kids.

  Raheim: My Baby held it all together for us; he did a better than jood job of protecting them.

  DJ: I was just waitin’ for you to say my favorite word!

  [Laughter]

  Raheim: Jood?

  DJ: You know it. I see I have been sayin’ it the right way. And it does mean better than good…?

  Raheim: Yup.

  DJ: Cool. But I’m sorry, didn’t think you’d use it discussing something so heavy. Go ahead.

  Raheim: Uh, it was probably the hardest on me because I fucked up my life and almost fucked up my family’s, too. Uh, sorry, Baby Doll. I shouldn’t have cursed but, like with your daddy, it was the right word to use.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: I take it Baby Doll is what you call Destiny?

  Raheim: Yeah.

  DJ: Cute.

  Raheim: The old saying that “You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone,” is so true. I was really in pain, physical pain those four years we were apart. That pain didn’t disappear until we were back together.

  DJ: Mitchell, did you believe that Raheim would conquer his addiction and you would reunite?

  Mitchell: In my heart, I did. When he became sick, we became sick. I tried everything I could to help him get well but had to face the reality that the only way that would happen is if he wanted to get well. I did a lot of praying that he would.

  DJ: You did an episode of Intervention, helping a family confront a woman about her gambling. Is that how you finally faced your addiction?

  Raheim: No. I just had one of those lightbulb moments. Lookin’ in the mirror…I hated what I saw. I knew I needed help. So I reached out to the one person who would know what I was going through.

  DJ: Who was that?

  Raheim: My pops. He’s been clean and sober for twenty years.

  DJ: And you?

  Raheim: Nine years, seven months, and eleven days.

  DJ: Congrats, man.

  Raheim: Thanks.

  DJ: Apart for four years. Ha, I know y’all made up for lost time!

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: You can never really make it up. You can only make the best of the time you have now.

  DJ: I noticed that neither of you have adopted the other’s name, something that most gay and lesbian couples do. Is that because of your careers? Is it a political statement?

  Raheim: Well…he’s my Baby, he’s my man. If you ask me, I’ll tell you that. If I feel you need to know, I’ll tell you. I don’t have to take his name for you to know it. I walk it every day. I talk it every day. I live it every day. We are one but we are also our own men.

  Mitchell: It’s also about defining what being a couple means for us. The whole hyphenated thing…it’s a little too traditional.

  DJ: What do you mean?

  Mitchell: Our mothers took our fathers’ names in marriage but that doesn’t mean SGL people have to adopt that tradition. We don’t belong to each other, we don’t own each other and that’s what the hyphenated names signal to me.

  DJ: Are your parents supportive of your marriage and the family you’ve created?

  Raheim: No doubt. My moms has always been on board, even before I was. [Laughs]

  DJ: What do you mean?

  Raheim: Well, they say mothers always know. And she did. When I brought Mitchell into the picture as Errol’s godfather, she saw right throu
gh it.

  Mitchell: And it didn’t help that you never brought another girl around after Errol’s mother.

  Raheim: Right. She loved Mitchell but I was so afraid of what she would say or do, whether our relationship would change that I couldn’t see that she was happy for me—she saw how happy Mitchell made me and Errol. It took me some time but I finally got there.

  DJ: How about your mom, Mitchell?

  Mitchell: She’s been in our corner from the start, too. I think her being so supportive is linked to losing her brother to AIDS in the eighties. He was afraid to be truthful about himself and almost died alone. So she made it easier for me to come out to her.

  DJ: What about your fathers?

  Mitchell: Well, my biological father was killed in Vietnam.

  DJ: Sorry to hear that.

  Mitchell: My mother remarried and my stepfather—well, I had to work on him.

  DJ: Was he homophobic?

  Mitchell: More heterosexist. He, like most hetero men, believed the world is supposed to spin on a heterosexual axis. For them, it’s not that all men are born straight but they are supposed to be straight. And, of course, everything he knew about SGL people he learned from other straight folk.

  DJ: The blind leading the blind.

  Mitchell: Definitely. Today, he’s an ally. He’s also one of my biggest fans.

  Raheim: My pops has come a long way in that department, too. At first he blamed himself for me not being straight.

  DJ: Why did he blame himself?

  Raheim: You know, that whole “If I was around, you wouldn’t have turned out this way.”

  DJ: Isn’t it amazing how many people still believe a myth like that today?

  Raheim: Yeah. But it’s easier to hold on to the myth when the truth forces you to question all you’ve been told or exposed to your whole life. Once he saw that his son was still his son and it didn’t matter who he loved, he was able to face those hang-ups.

  DJ: He must have because I have that ad you did with your father and son for the National Black Justice Coalition. For those not in the know, the NBJC came up with this tight campaign to fight homophobia in the Black community…uh, forgive me, Mitchell.

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: No problem. We’re used to saying it.