Visible Lives

by Stanley Bennett Clay

  DJ: E. Lynn gave you a jacket blurb; how did it feel to get his stamp of approval?

  Mitchell: He gave me more than his stamp of approval; he was partly responsible for me getting signed by Simon & Schuster. I sent him the manuscript, hoping he’d give me some feedback. A week later, I was contacted by Manie Barron, an agent here in New York, who E. recommended as a rep. Manie made some editorial suggestions, I incorporated them and, three weeks later, we had a deal.

  DJ: Wow. How long did that process take?

  Mitchell: A month and a half.

  DJ: Damn. Just from talking with other authors, that is not the way things usually go down.

  Mitchell: Not at all. Just getting an agent is a job. And the waiting game after it has been sent out can be torturous and demoralizing. Even I was taken aback by some of the comments editors had.

  DJ: Such as…

  Mitchell: Well, one, who will remain nameless, asked: “I love the story, but can you make it more ghetto?”

  DJ: They didn’t!

  Mitchell: They did.

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: Since street lit is all the rage now, you’re more likely to get an editor’s attention if you’ve written one of those “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp/Prostitute/Player/Player Hater” tales. But most of the editors we approached got it. I was in the right place, and approached the right people with the right project at the right time.

  DJ: For those who haven’t read or aren’t familiar with You, Me and He—and given all the talk about it over the past three years, how could you not be?—can you give them a breakdown of the story?

  Mitchell: Sure. A woman discovers that her husband is gay—or, at least bisexual in his behavior—but instead of kicking him to the curb, invites the other man into their marriage.

  DJ: Literally.

  Mitchell [giggles]: Yes, literally.

  DJ: I gotta say, I was expecting one thing when I started reading it and was blindsided more than once. You took the story in directions I never would have guessed it would go. Was that your goal?

  Mitchell: Well, I knew that, given the title, many would assume that it would be one of those jilted sista heartbreak tales, this time with the low-down, down-low husband and his home-wrecking male piece as the villains. But even people who may fall into those categories are more complex than the moniker. And how often do we get to really hear the men’s voices in these kinds of situations? Not very. I wanted to get past the sensational headlines and really explore the host of emotions people go through.

  DJ: Do you think there are more Lynettes, the woman who makes this deal with her husband, than we think?

  Mitchell: Of course. Women decide to stay with their cheating husbands every day after discovering their infidelity—and all of those husbands are not cheating with women.

  DJ: But would those women give their husband the green light to continue the affair, especially if it’s a man?

  Mitchell: If you can envision it, it happens. I can see how some would argue that this is truly the stuff that fiction is made of. But think about it: if he’s seeing another woman, you can compete. But a man? And, remember, there are women who know a man is gay or bisexual, but for whatever reason—he’s a great guy, he treats them well, he takes care of them, she is unlucky in love, she is pregnant, she believes she can “change” him, she is tired of being alone/lonely—marries them anyway.

  DJ: I take it the majority of your audience is women.

  Mitchell: I think so.

  DJ: Have you, like E. Lynn, gotten criticized by gay/bi bruthas for writing a story for them?

  Mitchell [giggles]: I have, but the criticism usually disappears once they actually read the book. This isn’t just Lynette’s story and I didn’t tell it to lock in a hetero female audience. Her husband, Bryson, and his lover, Wilmington, get equal billing. It is more of a character study.

  DJ: Ha, I wouldn’t say that, ’cause not only can you tell a jood story, you write some damn jood sex scenes! Woof!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: I had to take a break a couple of times—if ya know what I mean!

  [Howls and uncontrollable laughter]

  Mitchell: You’re too much, DJ.

  DJ: No, you’re too much! Where did you get the inspiration to write like that?

  Raheim: Man, don’t look at me!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Come on, he had to get the inspiration from somewhere!

  Mitchell: What people don’t get is that the sex is just another component of the narrative. So I didn’t approach it as “Oh, it’s time for the sex—gotta get my raincoat ready!”

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: And it isn’t sex for sex’s sake. It isn’t there because I didn’t know what else to do at that moment. It’s germane to the story. But the fact that people are talking about it and it gets them hot—that means I succeeded in presenting it correctly. I’d never written about sex in this way before, so I didn’t know if my approach would be effective.

  DJ: Oh, it is effective all right, t-rust!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: The other thing I love about the book is that it is about Black people but you would never know it—they don’t wear it on their sleeves, so to speak.

  Mitchell: Now, that was deliberate. I wanted to write a novel the way whites are able to: never mentioning the race of the principals involved or race, period, so that the assumption is it’s a white story. Some white writers believe not mentioning it means it isn’t an issue but, of course, that’s not the case. Like Toni Morrison once said, ‘When white people aren’t writing about race, they are writing about race.’ But this time, that table is turned. You only know the main characters and their family members, friends, and co-workers are Black because others are identified by their race or ethnicity; theirs is never specifically stated or acknowledged. It has really turned a lot of white critics and readers out; they are not used to reading a story where they are on the outside looking in and whiteness is on the margins.

  DJ: See, you gettin’ all sage on us now. And with that Toni Morrison mane you got goin’ on…

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Did you have to get Mtume’s permission to use the song title?

  Mitchell: No.

  DJ: Really? I thought he woulda been makin’ out like gang-busters, too.

  Mitchell: If we had used lyrics from the song, he would have. But song titles are fair game. I’m sure he isn’t sore about it: during the first few months of the book’s release, the song jumped into the iTunes top 10.

  DJ: Cha-ching!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: How has your life changed being an author?

  Mitchell: I wouldn’t really call myself an author; a novelist, yes. Toni and James Baldwin are authors. I’m just getting my feet wet. When I’ve had a few more under my belt, I’ll feel more comfortable with the title. But my life hasn’t really changed that much. The best thing about this new career path is that it has allowed me more freedom.

  DJ: What kind?

  Mitchell: Both artistic and financial. I’ve been able to continue freelance writing and can be really picky about what I do.

  DJ: Your essay on Sylvester in Rolling Stone was so on point.

  Mitchell: Thanks. My schedule only calls for me to be on the road a month and a few weekends each year. And I love being a stay-at-home dad. I don’t miss the daily grind of a nine to five at all.

  DJ: Now, we’re gonna get serious: Where were you when you heard about E. Lynn’s passing?

  Mitchell: [sighs] I was standing in my kitchen. Errol was on his phone when the text came through. I couldn’t believe it. I immediately called E.; I got his voicemail. Then I got a call from a mutual friend who lives in L.A., confirming it.

  DJ: Did you attend his funeral?

  Mitchell: I couldn’t. But I did participate in the memorial held in New York, and read from Mama Dearest during E. Lynn Harris Day.

  DJ: With him gone, a void exists in the literary world. Do you see yourse
lf or anyone else filling his shoes?

  Mitchell: Absolutely not. No other Black SGL writer will be able to reproduce the volume and consistency, or have that kind of cultural impact. Instead of looking for the next or a new E. Lynn Harris, folks need to be encouraging whoever they know that writes from our perspective to do their own thing. That’s what he did. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have taken that step.

  DJ: And on those words of wisdom, we’re gonna take another quick break. Be right back.

  DJ: Welcome back to Da Spot. I’m your host DJ Korrupt and we’re havin’ ourselves a jood ol’ time with our guests, power couple Raheim Rivers and Mitchell Crawford. Mitchell, are Toni Morrison and James Baldwin your favorite authors?

  Mitchell: How’d you guess?

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Do you have a favorite book?

  Mitchell: Just Above My Head. I pick it up at least once a year.

  DJ: You, too? I think it’s Jimmy’s gay masterpiece, not Giovanni’s Room. How ’bout you, Raheim?

  Mitchell: My favorite book is The Autobiography of Malcolm X.

  DJ: A favorite author?

  Raheim: Who you think?

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Now we’re gonna get real nosy.

  Raheim: Uh-oh…

  DJ: Do you have nicknames for each other—besides my Baby?

  Raheim: Mos def. I’ve always called him Little Bit.

  DJ: Ha, I don’t even have to ask why.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Mitchell?

  Mitchell: His nickname is Pooquie.

  DJ: The ever-famous Pookie. Like on A Different World.

  Mitchell: No, it’s spelled with a q-u instead of a k.

  DJ: Ah, he’s a special brand of Pooquie. And why that name?

  Mitchell: I had a teddy bear—well, I still have it—that I would cuddle with when I was a kid. Cuddling with Raheim reminded me of those days—except that he is not furry or fuzzy like the original Pooquie.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: What did you think the first time you heard the nicknames?

  Mitchell: I loved mine.

  Raheim: I hated mine.

  DJ: Why did you hate it?

  Raheim: Honestly, it sounded…stupid.

  [Laughter]

  Raheim: But it grew on me.

  DJ: Do you two have a song?

  Raheim: We do. “Love Has Smiled On Us” by Nancy Wilson.

  DJ: Why that song?

  Raheim: We love Nancy and that song really sums up where we’ve been, where we are, and what road we’re traveling together. We’ve had to start over twice; it wasn’t smooth sailing the first or second go ’round. And being married is not a picnic, it’s not a happily-ever-after thing. There’s gonna be heartache; there’s gonna be heartbreak. But it can still be better than jood.

  DJ: If y’all could see the way they are lookin’ at each other…that’s what love is.

  [Chuckles]

  DJ: Do you ever take time away from the kids?

  Raheim: Yeah. Sometimes we need a time out.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: What about time away from each other?

  Mitchell: We usually get that when we’re on the job, on the road. But if we need a moment, an hour, a day to be with ourselves, the other can sense it. With four people on four different schedules, things can get pretty hectic in our house. Last week, Raheim treated me to a day at the spa while he handled the household.

  DJ: This one’s for you, Mitchell. The man you’re married to is bisexual. Are you afraid that he may one day decide he no longer wants to be with a man and leaves you for a woman?

  Mitchell: What difference would it make if he left me for a man or a woman? The heartbreak won’t be less painful if it’s a man, or more painful if it’s a woman.

  DJ: For some, it would be.

  Mitchell: I think that’s just silly. It’s similar to those women who discover their husband or boyfriend is cheating on them—but not with another woman. “Oh my, he’s a homo, what am I gonna do?” “What does this say about me?” “Wasn’t I woman enough for him?”

  DJ: Like in You, Me and He.

  Mitchell: See. What do you do? You do the same thing you would do if it were another woman: deal. Don’t make the infidelity about you when it should be about them, what they did wrong, their lack of character, their being deceitful. There are a host of reasons why Raheim could decide to up and leave, tonight: he’s not feeling me, he’s not feeling us, he’s sick of the kids, he wants to experience the single life again, he’s found someone younger, he’s found Jesus, he’s becoming a monk…

  [Laughter]

  Raheim: And you could do the same.

  Mitchell: Right. Why spend time worrying about what could be? Anything is possible. I don’t fret about the what ifs; I concentrate on the what ares.

  DJ: I feel ya.

  Mitchell: Also, I don’t view or treat my relationship as a sporting event, or a competition. I remember when we began seeing each other exclusively and, at a party one night, we ran into his ex.

  DJ: Ooh, fireworks!

  Mitchell: Well, I’m sure that’s what that interloper was hoping for.

  DJ: No, you didn’t call him an interloper!

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: He knew damn well who I was, who I was there with, and decided to be touchy-feely with Raheim.

  DJ: And you didn’t go over and kick that ass?

  [Laughter]

  Mitchell: That would’ve been the un-classy thing to do.

  DJ: Did you just make that word up?

  [Laughter]

  DJ: I like it.

  Mitchell: Later that night, we talked about it. Raheim was surprised I didn’t confront him; that was his ego talking. I told him that it wasn’t my place to—he’s your ex, not mine, it was your job to set him straight. And what did you say?

  Raheim: “You wouldn’t fight over me?”

  Mitchell: And I said, “No, I wouldn’t. But I will fight for you.”

  DJ: Al-righty then!

  Raheim: And he’s proven that, time and time again.

  DJ: So why didn’t you set him straight, Raheim?

  Raheim: I tried to.

  Mitchell: You didn’t try hard enough.

  Raheim: Okay, I admit, I wasn’t tryin’ hard enough. What can I say, I enjoyed the attention.

  Mitchell: And while you weren’t consciously encouraging it, subconsciously you would’ve loved to see us throw down over you.

  Raheim: Yeah. I admit it. But I still woulda been goin’ home with you.

  DJ: Aaah. Y’all gonna make me sick over all that sugar.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Do you fight?

  Raheim: Of course we do. Not anything physical, but we get into it.

  Mitchell: Anger is a healthy thing. The trick is not to display it in unhealthy ways. You should be able to disagree without tearing each other down.

  DJ: Can you tell when the other is angry?

  Raheim: He won’t talk.

  Mitchell: And he will pout.

  Raheim: I don’t pout.

  Mitchell: Okay. He broods.

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Raheim, is Mitchell The One?

  Raheim: No, he’s my Number One.

  DJ: Uh-huh. Mitchell, is Raheim The One?

  Mitchell: No, he’s the Right One.

  DJ: Okay, y’all are workin’ me!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: Any advice for bruthas out there who are in relationships or hoping to be in one—like yours truly?

  Raheim: Hopin’ ain’t gonna make it happen.

  [Laughter]

  Raheim: Don’t think you are going to find The One. There is no one person who can be everything you want and need. No one is perfect—including you. But you can come close to having everything you want and need. But that means you’re gonna have to do the work. Being in a relationship is hard work, man, and you gotta work hard at it. Some folks think you can just be together and that’s it. No, yo
u gotta work hard at doin’ that, too.

  Mitchell: I believe too many of us think that love is all you need. We’ve got the love, but it takes so much more than that. It takes patience. And sacrifice. Sometimes you have to put what you want on the shelf. Some say they want to be in a relationship but are too self-involved, they don’t know how to be selfless. It can’t be about you; it’s got to be about us. But you also have to be careful not to allow it to define you, that you don’t get lost in it. It’s a delicate balancing act.

  Also, too many SGL men get caught up in gender roles. Instead of trying to be the man in the relationship, recognize that you are a man in the relationship. We have to fight the world to see and treat us like men, so why would you want to be in a dick-waving contest with the man you love?

  DJ: Hell-o!

  [Laughter]

  DJ: I was having a discussion with a group of single friends this past weekend about this subject. We’re all attractive, professional men in our late twenties/early thirties—and single. Any insight on why so many Black gay/bi men are single—unless they hook up with a white man?

  Mitchell: Well…there are cultural factors working against us. Black male couples are rarely profiled or depicted; white men are still held up as the standard, so it isn’t surprising some Black and other men of color gravitate toward white men since interracial/interethnic relationships are propagated as the rule, the ideal for us. If you don’t see a thing it’s hard to imagine you can possess or be that thing. But since there are so few visible examples for us to follow, we have to be our own role models.

  DJ: Well, you two are my role models.

  Raheim and Mitchell: Thanks.

  DJ: One of my friends said the reason many of us are still single is that “We don’t know what we want.” Do you agree?

  Mitchell: I don’t know exactly what he meant, but there is some truth to that. And that’s not just a Black gay thing; it’s a people thing. Everyone has their List, the items we check off that a potential date or mate has to have. But sometimes that List gets in the way. For example, we say we want a man with a job—but frown down on the type of job he has. We say we want a man with a degree—but if he didn’t go to an Ivy League or HBCU, he’s not really learned. We’re all entitled to our preferences but if you are too particular, you could always find yourself flying solo. While I didn’t reject Raheim because he was a bike messenger, I didn’t think he was relationship material because of it. I didn’t think I could settle down with a man who doesn’t have a high school diploma.