Unworthy Heart: The Donnellys, Book 1

by Dorothy F. Shaw

  “I doubt that. Too much Irish flowing in my veins. You’ll have to make me yours.”

  “It’s been forever since I made sauce.” Maiya moved to the bottle Jimmy had opened for them. “You want some wine?”

  “Hell yes. Glasses are to the right of the fridge. Thanks, baby.” Pulling a pot from one of the lower cabinets, he filled it with water. “Hey, how’s your mom doing?”

  Maiya poured them each some wine. “I declare a subject change immediately. Shall we toast?” She held out his glass.

  After setting the pot of water on the burner, he took the wine from her. He gave her an odd look but then raised his glass. “To family.”

  “Family?” She shook her head, smiling. “All right, family.” She tapped her glass to his and then took a sip. “Mmm, it’s yum.”

  He leaned forward and stole a quick peck from her lips. “Quite. Not yummier than you though.”

  She raised her fingertips to her tingling lips. “Anything I can do to help?”

  “You mind setting the table?”

  “Sure.” As she moved around the space, gathering the items for the table and setting them in place, she felt Ryan’s gaze on her. She turned to look at him. “What? Am I doing it wrong?”

  He was leaning against the counter, arms and legs crossed, and a slow, devious smile spread over his lips. “You look good in my kitchen.”

  “I see that look in your eyes.”

  “Yeah?” He strode to her. “What look is that?” Circling his arms around her waist, Ryan pulled her close.

  Warmth spread over her skin the minute her body met his. No matter how many times she touched him, kissed him or had sex with him, her body leaped into immediate arousal. Often before she even realized it or had a chance to stop it. Hunger swirled in her belly—not the kind food would satisfy, either. “The one that means you’re thinking about what I might look like bent over your kitchen table.”

  She didn’t think she’d ever tire of touching this man. Granted, they hadn’t been involved sexually for long, but from the moment she laid eyes on him in the conference room, a fire had erupted between them and had only grown hotter every time they were near each other.

  No. That wasn’t accurate, was it? In truth, Ryan Donnelly had stirred something inside her even before meeting him face to face. Each phone call, every interaction over work issues, birthed this attraction inside her. Something about this man drew her to him, and Maiya realized, staring into his blue-gray crystalline eyes, she quite possibly was lost forever.

  She’d gone head over heels for him.

  Ryan chuckled and smoothed one hand down her lower back to her ass, palming one cheek. “Maybe.” He nuzzled her neck.

  “Daddy, is it almost dinner?”

  Ryan and Maiya jumped apart like a bomb had been set off between them.

  Jacob giggled. “Were you kissing?”

  Ryan coughed. “No. I was just giving Maiya a hug.” Maiya busied herself with gathering items from the fridge for the table. “Dinner’ll be ready in about ten minutes, buddy. Why don’t you go wash your hands.”

  Jacob frowned. “Janet at school tried to kiss me the other day. I ran.”

  “Uh oh.” Maiya raised both brows. “You don’t like kisses, I guess?”

  “Yucky. Not from her. Reegan can kiss me if she wants though.” Jacob marched toward the bathroom. “You should kiss my dad. I bet he’d like it.”

  Ryan stopped and looked at Maiya. “Did he just say that?”

  “No comment.”

  Draining the pasta, Ryan finished getting dinner prepared, and then they all sat at the table. This was what families did. They had dinner together. A brief feeling of being an outsider rose in Maiya’s stomach, but she pushed it down. Ryan had invited her to share a meal with him and his son. She intended to enjoy it for the gift it was.

  Jacob rattled on about the zoo. He’d placed two stuffed monkeys on the empty chair at the table. What a bright and inquisitive five-year old he was. And Maiya listened in awe while he explained how his monkey had been lonely, so his daddy had bought him another today at the zoo. “That’s very sweet, Jacob.”

  “Yup. I told Daddy he gets lonely too, ’cause he doesn’t have a wife.”

  Ryan looked at Jacob, pausing mid-motion, a mound of spaghetti hanging from his fork. “Um…”

  Maiya raised a brow. “Is that so?”

  “Yup. He said if he found a wife, then I’d have a new mommy.”

  Ryan set his fork down, picked up his glass of wine, took a big gulp and then leaned back in his seat.

  “A new mommy?”

  “Mmhm. I getta help pick her. We made a deal. Right, Daddy?”

  Ryan coughed and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “Get to. And we sure did.” He winked at Jacob, but Maiya didn’t miss that his cheeks had gone flaming red.

  The man was blushing! Ha! Picking up her glass of wine, she took a swallow and tried to process what she was hearing his little boy tell her. No. He couldn’t possibly be considering her. “Anyone you have your eye on?” She took a bite of her food.

  “I dunno.” Jacob looked at his father, who was now trying to smother a laugh and failing miserably.

  Ryan’s cheeks burned a brighter crimson, if that was even possible. “Finish your dinner, little man.”

  Jacob nodded and took another bite.

  Maiya stared at her plate and twirled her fork in the spaghetti, trying for all it was worth not to read into this entire conversation. But curiosity piqued—regardless if it tended to kill the cat.

  Ryan might up and die of embarrassment. A desperate need to climb under the table and hide rose up inside him, but he stayed in his seat and continued eating. He should’ve anticipated Jacob mentioning their conversation at the zoo today. In truth, he’d meant what he said to his son about having a say in such an enormous decision.

  He hadn’t thought about marriage in years, and now the topic had come up twice in one day. But the idea of being married wasn’t uncomfortable like he figured it might be. The notion of Jacob having a mother again, one who would always be there for him, warmed his heart.

  He was more concerned with what was going through Maiya’s head. Did it freak her out? Did she think he wanted that with her? Ryan took another sip of wine. She’d deflected his question about her mother pretty fast too, and that puzzled him. He watched and listened while she ate and talked with his son. Jacob liked her. That was good. Really good.

  “I’m done, Daddy. Do I getta have dessert?”

  “Get to have,” Ryan corrected. “Put your plate by the sink, please, and then go get your PJs on. When you finish you can have two Oreo cookies. Sound good?”

  “With milk too?”

  “Did you finish all your chocolate milk?” Maiya asked.

  “Uh huh.” Jacob got up and placed his plate by the sink.

  “I’ll get your dessert ready for you. Head on upstairs and find PJs.”

  “Wanna see my room, Maiya? I have a fort in there.”

  Maiya looked from Jacob to Ryan, seeking permission. He appreciated it. “If you want, it’s fine with me.”

  “I’d love to.” Rising, Maiya held her hand out to Jacob.

  “Uncle Jimmy helped me make it.” His son took Maiya’s palm in his little one and pulled her behind him out of the kitchen.

  Ryan cleared the table. He’d gotten the dishwasher loaded by the time Maiya and Jacob came back downstairs. “Cookies and milk are on the table, little man.”

  “I would have done that,” Maiya said.

  “Done what?”

  “The dishes.” She moved to the sink and started washing the saucepan. “You cooked. I clean. That’s the way it worked in my house with me and my brother.”

  “All right then, I’ll dry.” He rubbed her lower back. “Thanks, baby.” Ryan glanced at h
is son. “Did Maiya like your fort?”

  “Mmhm. She even climbed inside with me,” Jacob said around a mouthful of Oreos.

  “It’s a pretty excellent fort, Jacob. Your uncle is cool for making it for you.” Rinsing the pot, she handed it over to Ryan. “My brother used to make forts for me when I was a little girl.”

  “You have a brother? What’s his name?” Jacob took a drink of his milk.

  Ryan looked at Maiya. She’d only talked about her brother to him once, and had revealed very little.

  She started on the pasta pot. “His name was Jeremy.”

  “Does he live near you?”

  “No, honey. He doesn’t.” She looked at Ryan.

  The request was clear in her eyes and he nodded. “Her brother is in heaven, little man.”

  “Oh. He prolly knows Mommy.” Jacob gobbled the last piece of cookie, swinging his legs back and forth under the chair.

  “Maybe.” Maiya scrubbed the pot, rinsed it and then handed it to Ryan.

  After drying it, he put it away. “Okay, little man. It’s time for bed. Let’s head upstairs, get your teeth brushed and you tucked in.”

  “Already?”

  “Yes, already. It’s seven o’clock. And you have school tomorrow.”

  Jacob shuffled over to them with his empty cup of milk. “Can Maiya come up and tuck me in too?”

  “If she wants, sure.” Ryan picked up his son. “Care to join us, Maiya?”

  She reached for the cup from his son. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  Jacob dived from Ryan’s arms into hers. Maiya let out an “ooof” when she caught him. It shocked Ryan. It shocked her too because her eyes got wide as silver dollars when she looked at him, but then she smiled. His stomach dropped and his heart launched into his throat. She wrapped her arms around his son’s tiny waist and nuzzled his little neck, inspiring a giggle from Jacob.

  Other than family, he hadn’t seen his son in a woman’s arms in forever. It was odd, but in a good sort of way. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and followed them upstairs. This woman had found a place in his heart with ease, and now it appeared she’d found a place in his son’s too. It pleased him more than it scared him. It was a good thing. It felt right.

  He held her hand and they descended the stairs after getting Jacob settled in bed. Maiya read his son three stories before Ryan declared official lights out. His mind had ping-ponged all over the place while he listened to her soft voice lull his son into dreams.

  Fear, amazement, pride and complete admiration for Maiya filled him. She’d fallen into rhythm, helping Jacob pick out books, getting him settled under the blankets and lying down beside him to read what he’d chosen.

  All of it led him to one conclusion: he wanted her to be his. No. Theirs. He wanted Maiya in his and his son’s life. Done deal.

  When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ryan pulled her into an embrace. Holding her soft body tight to his, he chastised himself for holding back from her in favor of old wounds long overdue to be healed. He just hoped Maiya wanted him and his son as much as Ryan wanted her.

  Maiya pressed her mouth and nose against Ryan’s neck, breathing him in. His skin carried the scent of fresh air from being outdoors half the day at the zoo.

  Loosening his arms, he ran his hands up and down her back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  She looked up him. “For what?”

  His gaze roamed over her face, a sad expression in his eyes, but then a small smile curved his lips and he caressed her cheek with his fingertips. “For a few things, and for today.”

  She covered his hand cradling her cheek with her own. “I don’t understand.”

  “I know.” Ryan stroked his thumb over her bottom lip. “How about I make coffee. We can talk.”

  “Sounds kind of ominous.”

  “Not at all.” He gave her a soft kiss. “But I understand why you might think so.” Taking her hand in his, he pulled her down the hall into the kitchen.

  She waited at the kitchen table while he readied the coffee pot. Confusion settled like a thick storm cloud and her mind wandered in all sorts of directions. She chewed on her lip, contemplating if she’d stepped over some sort of line with his son. Or was he ending their relationship—or whatever it was they were doing? She tapped the tip of one nail on the table, and bounced her knee trying to dispel some of her nervous energy.

  Ryan remained silent the entire time the coffee brewed and he put some Oreo cookies on a plate. When she thought she might burst clean out of her skin, he spoke. “I should have invited you to the zoo today with us.”

  “Ryan, it’s… You don’t—”

  “Let me finish.” He glanced at her and she clamped her mouth closed. “I was scared. No, that’s a lie. I am scared.” He filled two mugs, adding cream and sugar to hers, fixing it the way she liked. Such a simple thing, yet it made her insides turn to mush.

  This amazing, wonderfully surprising man remembered how she liked her coffee. “What are you scared about?”

  He handed her the mug and then took a seat opposite her. He raised his mug to his lips and blew on the hot liquid before sipping it. “A few things, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m in desperate need of a cigarette. Can we go outside?”

  “You should quit smoking.”

  “I should do a lot of things. Indulge me.” She got up, grabbed her smokes from her purse and headed toward the back door in the family room.

  He followed and opened the slider for her. “It’s chilly. You want one of my jackets?”

  “No. I’m okay for now.” She sipped her coffee. “Mmm, perfect again.” Taking a seat on one of his cushioned patio chairs, she lit up. The gray smoke swirled from the end and she exhaled a stream of it, savoring the first drag.

  “Better?” He pulled an ashtray from behind the outdoor bar on his patio, slid it toward her and then sat a few feet away in the matching chair.

  “Much. Go on, please.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it, and stared out at the back yard. “I don’t know where to start.”

  With her nerves feeling more settled, thanks to the nicotine running through her system, Maiya waited for him to gather his thoughts. They hadn’t turned on the outside light, and the clear sky and glow from the moon bathed the strong features of his face. His eyes were cast in a dark shadow, but his cheeks, lips and chin were highlighted. What a beautiful view he made.

  He leaned forward in his seat, bracing his elbows on his knees. “I told you about Jacob’s mother, how she died.”

  She took another puff off her cigarette. “You told me she died, but not how.”

  “She overdosed. Heroin.” He blew out a breath.

  “Jesus Christ, Ryan. I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks. I gained custody of Jacob about a year before the end.” He smoothed his palm over his face. “She’d been clean when she got pregnant and… I was happy, you know? Surprised, but happy. I asked her to marry me.” He shook his head and then sipped his coffee. “When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. It took me almost three years to find her, and my son. Christ, I didn’t even know I had a son.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “When I found her, she was so deep in her addiction she readily signed him over to me. It was horrible watching her kill herself with the drugs after that.” He looked at her. “But none of that has anything to do with what scares me now.”

  She needed to give him something of hers—a fair trade for him sharing something so deep and personal with her. She also wanted him to know she knew what it felt like to watch someone destroy themself with an addiction they couldn’t control. “My mother’s a chronic alcoholic.” She drew on her cigarette. “That’s why she’s sick now.”

  “I’m sorry. Was she like this when you were a kid?”

  “
Yeah. It wasn’t happy land, that’s for damn sure.” She put out her cigarette and lit another.

  He raised a brow.

  She giggled. “What? Don’t look at me like that.”

  He leaned back in his seat again. “I love that sound.”

  “I love that you make me make it so often.” She smiled. “What scares you? Tell me, please?”

  “I don’t want this to come out wrong.”

  “Just say it.”

  “You’re a lot like her.”

  She scoffed. “You can’t be serious?” He couldn’t mean what he was saying. Considering what he’d shared with her about his ex, the idea hit her like a knife in the chest.

  “Hear me out.”

  “Okay, fine. Finish.” Maiya sipped her coffee and tried to keep an open mind.

  “You’re like her in the good ways. Tammy was the person in a room full of people who stood out. Everyone noticed her. And if they didn’t, she made sure by the end of the night they had. It’s why you remind me of her. People see you, Maiya. They can’t help but see you. For one thing, you’re beautiful.”

  She laughed, shaking her head in denial of his compliment. But at least this was a line of thinking that was the good kind of stab in the chest.

  He smiled. “You are! For another, you have this intoxicating personality. People want to be near you. I want to be near you.”

  “Thank you, and I want to be near you too. But you still haven’t told me what scares you.”

  “It’s stupid. The more I say it out loud the more stupid it sounds. I just… Jacob, you know? He lost his mother and it was hard on him, but he’s okay. I mean he remembers her, just not like I remember her. Tammy wasn’t always on drugs. There was a time when she was like you are now, except she really never was.” He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I don’t even think I’m making any sense.”

  “I think I understand.”

  Shock skittered across his features. “You do?”

  “What if, right?” Taking a long drag, she exhaled and watched the smoke waft away on the breeze. “What if I come into your life and then I disappear? What if you get hurt, or worse, Jacob gets hurt. Again.”