Drowning in Stars

by Debra Anastasia

  _______________

  Officer Sam led me into a room with a door that closed at the police station, but he left it open as we sat.

  “First thing I need to ask you, is everything okay at your house? With Bic living there? We kind of know him down here and…”

  “It’s fine. He’s fine.”

  Officer Sam looked skeptical and bit his bottom lip for a moment. “Okay, but if you ever need anything.”

  “You’ll be the first person I come to. The one that stalked me at the hospital and my apartment and has accused me of doing bad things to my friend.” I knew my sass was getting the better of me. I was exhausted. “Tell me about Gaze.”

  “Gaze is out of surgery. They had to fix his rib. It was threatening to puncture his lung. He’s in a medical coma because they can’t have him tearing anything that’s healing. And he’ll panic with how little his lungs are working right now. But he’s going to be okay. All his vitals are good despite his injuries.” Officer Sam cleared his throat. “That’s fair. Let me be real with you. Bruce said that he found you in Gaze’s room beating him up.”

  Rage filled my heart. Gaze’s dad was such a liar. He’d say anything to save his own butt.

  “Gaze and I are best friends. We spend all our time together. His dad is an alcoholic and a child beater.” I’d defend us. What we had.

  “So, this wasn’t the first time you witnessed Bruce hitting Gaze?”

  And it flew out of my mouth. That Gaze was always fearful of his dad. That he would come to my place and wait out his dad’s drunkenness. That despite the horrible conditions, his dad was the only family that wanted to be involved with Gaze.

  “That seems way more accurate than the tale he’s spinning. But, Pixie, you’re gonna have to tell a lot of people this story, and I get that you want to protect Gaze, but living like this can’t be good for him.” Officer Sam folded his hands on top of his notepad, all pretense of taking notes forgotten.

  My words dried up on my tongue.

  I pictured Mr. Jones face when he was beating Gaze. It was so abandoned. Unfeeling. There was nothing behind his eyes that resembled a parent.

  “He was going to kill Gaze.” It was the truth. It was why I moved. Why I fought. “My biggest fear is that I didn’t get there in time to help him.”

  When Officer Sam handed me a tissue, I realized I was crying.

  “You did good, kiddo. You did good.” He stood and waved for someone. Moments later, I had a friendly-looking woman sitting next to me with more tissues. She introduced herself as a child advocate. She and I talked about menial things, nothing related to Gaze or his dad. Then she told me she was here to look after Gaze’s best interests, and that she and I had that in common.

  “They’re going to need you to identify Bruce in a lineup. Just to be double, triple sure.” Wanda. Her name was Wanda. She promised me she would stay with me and that Gaze’s dad wouldn’t know I was there.

  When I went into the small room with the big glass wall, a few men and Bruce were led in handcuffs. He looked right at me like the glass Wanda had promised me he couldn’t see through was transparent.

  She put her hand on my shoulder. “There are numbers over their heads. Do you need the men to turn sideways or say anything to be sure?”

  I shook my head. “No. I know Mr. Jones. He’s right there. Number three.” I could almost hear Gaze yelling at me. That I was ruining everything. I thought of Bic. Big, stupid, creepy Bic who for some reason seemed leery of Gaze.

  I was choosing between them both right now. I could only have one in my future. But I knew what I was doing. By putting Gaze’s home situation under a spotlight, CPS would take him, unless his grandfather stepped up. But even then, he would be far, far away from me. Maybe in that big fancy house.

  “You’re sure?”

  Gaze got a future or I got one. I picked Gaze.

  _______________

  Officer Sam drove me home. It was a long, quiet ride. I sat up front and his front seat was a place full of screens and noises.

  “You know, it’s not easy to do the right thing.” He turned down the radio so it was just a whisper.

  We were rolling through downtown that had fancy stores and lots of foot traffic.

  “You were a badass, helping your buddy. Gaze took a hell of a beating. And between you and me? That kind of thing never stops escalating without someone stepping in. Drastic measures.” He put on his indicator to turn left, toward my neighborhood.

  I exhaled. “For something that’s so right, it feels like ratting out my friend.”

  “Did you think it’d happen again?” He stopped at a light and swung his head toward me.

  I knew it would. I saw it in Gaze’s dad’s eyes. He was circling the drain, only getting angrier every night. I nodded once to Officer Sam.

  “Then you didn’t have a choice. Hey, I mean, for what’s it’s worth, I’ve found that kids know stuff. Weirdly right about people. You’re almost a teenager, so I don’t know when that changes, because it does seem to fade. But you knew Bruce was not going to be a good guy. And Gaze was in danger.”

  I could see the cop car I was riding in reflected in the fancy windows of the expensive retail store. “Yeah.” I didn’t say more. I felt like I said too much anyway. All I could think of was Gaze in the ambulance. I wanted to see him.

  When Officer Sam pulled up to my apartment, he threw the car in park and met me on the sidewalk. “Mind if I walk you up? I want to make sure you get there okay.”

  I shrugged. He was a cop; he could do what he wanted as far as I knew. I had my key with me so I was able to get in the front door and then lumbered up the stairs to the fifth floor, Officer Sam jangled behind me. When I got to the door, he stepped behind me. Bic flung open the door before I could insert my key.

  “You back?” He eyed Officer Sam.

  “Yeah?” Obviously. I wanted to get to my room, lock my door, and pile my blankets on top of me and not be anywhere.

  Bic put his arms on the doorframe and gave the officer a smile that looked more like a snarl.

  He reached out and I flinched, but he clamped one of his huge hands on my injured shoulder and twirled me so we were both facing the hallway. He left his hand on my shoulder. It hurt more because I had a deep bruise there. His hand on my skin made everything in my body crawl. Warning bells sounded alarms in the back of my head.

  “You done grilling my kid?” Bic spoke too loud, as usual.

  I kept my eyes on his fingers, way too close to my face. I wanted to bite him. I wasn’t his kid. I didn’t want him acting like he was my father.

  “For now. She’s going to have to be available to me as the case moves forward against Bruce Jones.” Officer Sam and I looked at each other. “Everything okay?”

  He was picking up on how much I hated Bic. I tried to relax a bit. I didn’t want more drama.

  “Any time frame on that?” Bic asked like he cared about me.

  I knew it was his way of trying to figure out when I could be left alone. My mom had to travel to New Orleans in a few weeks that I knew he was excited about going as well. Of course, he worded it like he was taking my mother on a vacation, and he was the big spender, but I knew the truth. There was a spot in her hotel bed and it was available for him to be a freeloader.

  “No, it’s just a random thing. Justice and all that. I know where to find Pixie and I’ll drop by when I need to.” Officer Sam stepped toward Bic in a threatening way.

  “Of course. No problem. We have nothing to hide.” Bic moved his hand to my hip and I watched it leave like it was a tarantula set loose on my skin.

  Bic stuck out his other hand to offer it for a shake, and Officer Sam reluctantly gave in and did the same.

  Officer Sam turned to me. “You know where to find me, Pixie, if you have any—”

  He was cut off by Bic, pushing me to the side and closing the door.

  When Bic spoke, he was quiet, “You know we don’t need to be having the law up her
e every damn day, girl. You need to learn to mind your own damn business. If Bruce wants to spank his kid, he can.”

  I stepped away from him and felt my jaw drop. Of course, Bic would reframe it that way. He wanted what was best for himself, and always would. I ignored him and went straight to my room, locking it firmly behind me so I could finally breathe. Bic angrily knocked and made me jump.

  “Your mother wants you to call her. You better make sure she knows this is not a big deal. I want to go to New Orleans.”

  And it started then. Bic telling me what to tell my mother. Another roadblock besides his actual body in my world. I sat on my bed and grabbed my teddy bear. I could see Gaze’s window. I spent the afternoon regretting everything I had to do, yet knowing I had no other choice. It sucked.

  _______________

  I was able to go to school the next day. I kept my head down and avoided talking to people. That in itself was way different than I normally acted. But people wanted to talk about Gaze. Wanted to talk about his dad getting arrested. There were a ton of rumors I heard whispered when I moved from class to class.

  My shoulder still hurt. My heart was worried. After school, I took three different busses to get to the hospital. I wanted to visit Gaze, because I didn’t think anyone else would be coming. I wanted to see him and make sure he was okay.

  Luckily, I saw Nurse Pam in the parking lot and called her name. She looked around and then waved me over.

  “What’s going on, kiddo?” She put her hand on my head.

  “Just want to see Gaze. Can you tell me how to get to him?” I scanned all the windows in the building, trying to sense where he might be.

  “Well, he’s in a room, but in a medical coma. Basically, he has meds to keep him calm. And I can’t tell you this. It’s all confidential.” She tilted her head toward the building.

  I followed her in, despite the warning. She allowed it and held the elevator door for me, so I knew she wasn’t opposed to helping me. After the door opened, she turned left and paused at a door.

  I peeked in and saw the small form on the bed. Gaze.

  I walked in quietly, not wanting to wake him. His face was calm, but he had an oxygen mask on and some tubes and wires connected to him. His face didn’t look quite as bad as I was expecting, but his chest was a swarm of bruises around a large bandage. I touched his hand.

  This was what happened because I waited too long. He was here, recovering in the hospital, and it was far past our little dirty secret. It was blown wide open now that he was here. I should’ve stopped it sooner. I knew it. I felt it in my gut that his dad was getting worse. It was selfishness that stopped me. I wanted Gaze to stay. In my neighborhood, I got to see what happened when kids got taken away. Sometimes they were gone forever. And usually, we were happy for them because we knew their situations were crap.

  And sometimes they did come back. And the thing that was wrong had gotten worse. It was all luck of the draw. But looking at Gaze now, I knew this outcome would never be considered lucky.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered it to him while he lay there. I started crying, again. Had I known it was the last time I was going to get to see him, I might’ve tried to say more. Hug him despite the machines in the way.

  But I didn’t know. I thought there would be a tomorrow when I could sneak in again.

  A different nurse that wasn’t Nurse Pam bustled in, pushing a cart that had the tools of her trade.

  “Hey, who are you?”

  I had a few answers for that question.

  I was the one that caused this to happen. I was the one that should’ve said something. I may have caused something to start rolling that I can never stop.

  Instead, I wiped my hand on my cheek and replied, “Nobody,” as I speed walked out of Gaze’s room.

  _______________

  I had one more job to do. I wanted to force Gaze’s grandfather to do a few things. Bic gave me crap about where I was going, but I had some cash in my sock drawer and I didn’t owe him any answers until Mom got back from work, so I walked out without speaking to him.

  I remembered how to get to Poughkeepsie and I bundled up. The trip without Gaze seemed to take one hundred years longer, and I made two wrong turns to get to his grandfather’s house. They had the mansion decorated for Christmas and it made me snort. They were pretending that they gave a damn about family, but they had thrown Gaze to the wolf that was his father.

  I walked up the path, steamed already. When I pressed the doorbell, it trilled its elaborate tune. The same housekeeper that opened the door last time seemed surprised to find me on the step.

  The grandfather had on jeans, a white shirt, and a cardigan when he whisked me into his study, looking over his shoulder before closing the door.

  Instead of sitting in the seat he gestured to, I stood, arms crossed. He did the same on the other side. This was not a friendly get-together.

  “I have no idea why you’re here. I’ve been paying everything I’m supposed to and I have the receipts.” He stared at his desk drawer, but didn’t move to open it.

  “Have the police contacted you? Do they have a way to find you?” I inspected his office. I wasn’t sure how much of this man’s life touched Gaze’s on paper. If it was easy to see or not that he had responsibility via blood to his grandchild.

  “What happened?”

  He went pale and fell into his chair.

  “I feel like you probably know what happened.” That same feeling that made me crawl over the ramp to get to Gaze was flaring up again. I was betting this man knew that Mr. Jones was a hitter. That he was abusive.

  “My family has been through enough. My wife barely made it through my daughter’s death. It was too hard.”

  I shook my head slowly. He had a giant house and a housekeeper and God knew what else.

  “People come with problems. It’s what happens. Gaze is in the hospital. His dad beat him unconscious.” I wanted to be better and to give him the business, but I started to tear up.

  The grandfather pulled a handkerchief out of his top drawer and passed it to me. I blotted the wetness on my cheeks.

  “He’s got no one now. You have to go to the hospital and tell them you want to be involved, otherwise they’re going to put him in foster care. Assuming Mr. Jones stays in jail. I doubt he’ll get bail.” I knew about the process. Again, it was a part of my world.

  “I can’t get involved…”

  Before he could finish, I slapped my left hand on his desk. “No. You don’t get to wuss out on him. You have to figure this out. Be a man. Make it right for Gaze. You are all he has now.” That was a lie. Gaze had me. He would always have me.

  The grandfather’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “I need to ask you to leave.”

  I felt my jaw drop open. “You can’t be this much of a coward.”

  He stood up and leaned toward me. “Watch your tone. I don’t even know who you are. What do you think coming here will do?”

  He was brushing this off, brushing Gaze off. “I see you for who you are.”

  I took a step back. How Gaze came out so awesome was a miracle. Or maybe his mom had been such magic that she created Gaze out of all this horrible DNA.

  “You will step up for Gaze, however you can. And still pay for his apartment so it’ll be there when he wants it. Use your money to help him if you can’t get up the guts to be who you should be. Or so help me God, I will be back every weekend. I will tell your wife what you’ve been doing and let whatever happens, happens.” I put my shoulders back. It felt good to fight. Try to make something happen for Gaze while I felt so helpless.

  The grandfather put both hands on his forehead and pressed. He started mumbling to himself and shooting me dirty looks in between his musings. “Fine. Fine. Have it your way. I’ll make sure that Gaze has what I can offer. It won’t be exactly what you’re demanding, but it’ll be as good as I can make it.”

  He hit a button on his desk phone and the housekeeper came in. “Ple
ase take her out the back way and get her a car home.”

  We didn’t have parting words, but I had his handkerchief, a monogram with script letters. The car was a black SUV and the driver only asked my address once before I was headed back home. Bic was waiting on the stoop when I got out of the car like he heard money being spent and wanted in on it.

  I closed the door and looked up at the sky. Almost dark. It had been a full day. Tomorrow, I’d try to see Gaze again. Tell him I’d be watching out. That I would make sure his grandfather was going to do right by him. That would be tomorrow. I could make it to tomorrow.

  Chapter 28

  Gaze

  MY DREAMS WERE bizarre. In and out of places I’d been in life. Pixie was there, us doing normal things, and also Bruce was there hitting me in my dreams. It felt more like pokes and a sustained pain in my chest, but it was his face that was near the pain, wherever it was.

  Maybe he’d taken it too far this time. But the dreams were back. The carnival I went to when I was five. My angry grandfather. Pictures of my mom. Pixie. Pixie was always flitting in and out, making things better when they were scary.

  Then there were blips. Blips of being in a white room. Blips of noises that sounded oddly familiar but would then work themselves into my dreams, like a video game room with tokens and repetitive noises. Sometimes my breath would feel more forced, like it was inflating my lungs until they almost burst. What had Bruce done this time? It was too much even for him. My lungs hurt.

  And then I was awake and looking at a woman. She was kind and comforting. She gave me medicine just as I started to think about the fact that my breath was weird. My mouth felt wrong. Full. Too much.

  And then I was down again, back to the dreams. The next time I came to, it was a different woman and she was the one responsible for my lungs hurting, because when my eyes popped open, she said, “Okay, that one was a little much.”

  And then the pain went away. It came in smaller waves after that. I was grateful when she left. She was a very painful visitor.

  And then again, the pain was too much and I opened my eyes. “Today is the big day, Gaze. We are going to work with you to see if we can get you off this ventilator and sucking on fresh, regular air, okay?”