Drowning in Stars

by Debra Anastasia

  I didn’t have much choice but to listen to her. She was comforting and gently held my hands when I wanted to touch my face. “We’ll get to that, but it’s a big moment and I want you to be able to enjoy it. So let’s do these exercises first.” She walked through my tapering off of the oxygen that was pumped into me, forcing me more and more to inhale and exhale on my own.

  When she finally took the tube from my throat, I made a bunch of horrible noises and started choking. I saw stars briefly. And Breathing Lady held the back of my neck. “That’s the worst of it, Gaze. Now, slow, regular breaths. I’m going to hold this tube near your nose to just make sure you are getting the best air we have in the hospital, okay? In and out. In and out. Nice and slow. No big jumps.”

  She worked with me for what felt like forever before she showed me how the oxygen in my nose worked and let me lie back.

  “Well, you’re breathing on your own like a rock star. I’m not surprised. You’re a fighter, Gaze!”

  I smiled at her as best I could. I stared at my arms and I had old bruises. They’d gone from what had to have been deep black-blue to technicolor multi-color splotches.

  Dad.

  My dad must have put me in here. Oh shit. I tried racking my brain to think of what had been done to me so I could come up with a sturdy lie. But when I tried to offer one, Breathing Lady held up a hand. “All in good time. Let’s just focus on this breathing. There’s nothing for you to worry about right now, bud. Just breathe. That’s your body’s most important job right now.”

  She made notes and looked at the various screens around me. I tried to understand the room I was in. Clearly, it was a hospital and I was recovering from something pretty rough. In and out. In and out.

  Where was Pixie? In and out. Where was Bruce? In and out. Was Pixie okay? In and out. She might’ve seen what had happened to me through our window. She’d be worried. In and out.

  _______________

  Time passed slowly and then at a whiplash pace. When I was finally able to hold a full conversation, Nurse Pam told me I had a few visitors. I was hoping for Pixie. Hell, I’d even take my math teacher, but the first person through the door to visit me was an officer.

  He slid his hat under his arm and gave me a warm grin. “You look way better than I expected. You’re really bouncing back.”

  “Where’s Pixie?” My throat still sounded scratchy to me. I took a sip of the water that was at the side of my bed.

  “She’s at home.” He jangled as he walked closer.

  “She’s okay?” It seemed like the cop was reluctant to talk about it with me.

  “Mmhmm. Hey, can I ask you a few questions?” The cop looked at my arms and neck.

  “You came all this way, so I guess so.” I put my glass of water back. I was getting angry at not having more information about Pixie. And why I was in here? I mean, I figured it’d be about my father. Anytime I was hurt it was usually his fault. I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t remembering more.

  “So, on the night you got hurt, can you tell me what went down?” He pulled out his phone and put his attention on me expectantly.

  I didn’t know. I didn’t know what had happened to me. Panic spread through my body. I glanced out the window. I’d assumed I’d been here for a day or so. Well, there was the time I woke, but the lights were always on. I didn’t remember a dark time.

  “How long have I been here?”

  The cop flipped through a few screens on his phone. “About two weeks tomorrow. So thirteen days.”

  “I...I don’t know. It’s...I mean, I had school.” I stopped talking and focused on a tile on the floor. It was like my memories were a puzzle piece and someone else was holding the box so I didn’t know where it fit.

  And I didn’t like this feeling of going in blind with a cop. I had secrets I had to keep. Pixie’s mom and Bic going away a lot. Bruce losing his temper a lot. The bills getting paid by my grandfather.

  “I don’t remember how I got here.” And that was the truth. It was ingrained in me to come up with excuses if I got asked by a teacher or someone about something that would get people sniffing around my apartment.

  But I had no good answers. I didn’t even know how much had been done to me. Thirteen days.

  “Okay. That’s fair. You’ve been through a lot. I have to share that Pixie has told us a lot. About what happens at your apartment.”

  That information shocked my heart to a stop. My whole body felt the word WHAT!

  “That it’s hard to get your dad to be reasonable when he’s mad. You know that’s not your fault, right? Pixie told us you never hit back or anything, and your father went way overboard with what he thought was discipline. We know he drinks too much. I’ve asked the neighbors, so I just need to have you corroborate that information, and then I can get on my way for today.” He rocked back on his heels like everything he just said was a checkmark on a form he was filling out. Not like it was everything I’d been so desperate to hide wasn’t spread out for show and tell by my best friend.

  I knew what happened when Bruce went apeshit. I also knew that I’d been taken away from him when I was eight. He took a few parenting classes, and then when he got me back, he threatened the hell out of me if I said anything. Though at that time I didn’t know what I had said that had tipped people off.

  If Bruce was in jail, I had no Pixie. And she knew that. And she ratted me out anyway. I felt a thickness in my throat as the edges of my eyes filled up.

  “Hey, buddy. It’s not your fault. Bruce shouldn’t be hurting you.” Compassion flashed over his face.

  I shook my head. I wanted the cop gone. I wanted Pixie here. I wanted to go back to my normal. The wetness at the corners of my eyes became full-blown tears down my cheeks.

  “Hey. This looks a lot like Officer Sam on my patient that needs to stay calm and heal.” A nurse I had not seen before stepped between the cop and me.

  “Pam. Nice seeing you again. So crazy that when I came back to talk to Pixie she was mysteriously gone. You know how she got from here to her house so easily?”

  I couldn’t see the cop’s face, but the nurse’s shoulders pushed back and she stood up taller. “Just a mystery.”

  “So you know, I had concerns about her homelife as well. I was pretty worried about her until I saw her the next day. How about you and I communicate better in the future?”

  The nurse folded her arms and swung her one hip so I could see the officer. He peeked around her to me. “Gaze, in the next few hours a social worker will be coming by to ask you some questions. Right now, your dad is still in jail and we’re having trouble finding a relative to manage your guardianship. Do you have any relatives that can step up?”

  I pictured my grandfather and his fancy house and how unwelcome I was there. That he was willing to pay for me after Pixie threatened him.

  The thought of Pixie’s name was a knife right in my heart. Not Pixie. She could never betray me. But she did. She told the cop everything I never wanted anyone to know.

  _______________

  The social worker was a kind woman who seemed very busy. After introducing herself as Mrs. Josephine, she had to make two phone calls and answer three emails during our interview. I didn’t offer any connections to my grandfather because I didn’t want to see him again. He had a choice and he picked to just support me from afar. When she finally settled in, it was almost time for another round with the breathing specialist.

  “Okay, Gaze. Your father has been denied bail, and considering the nature of your injuries, we don’t think he’s a viable option for you as you heal.” She had a manila envelope and flipped through some pages. “We’ve actually had some developments that are slightly out of the ordinary. Yesterday, I had a judge call me and recommend a set of people to be your foster guardians during this difficult time. They have two sons and a daughter, and on paper they seem great. They very specifically want you. Do you know them?”

  She handed me a picture of a family that looked li
ke they came in a frame that you bought at the store. They were in front of a nice house and even had a cocker spaniel sitting next to the boys. “Never saw them before in my life.” I wanted to shrug, but everything involving my shoulders hurt.

  “Well, they have to go through the interview process, but assuming everything goes well, you could stay with them while we work out what’s happening with your father.” She bent her neck to the side and it made one side of her hair appear longer than the other.

  “Where do they live?” I pictured the ramp, the endless time with Pixie.

  “Just outside of Poughkeepsie. You’d have to transfer schools, but they have an amazing basketball team. The coach there also put in a good word for the foster family and seemed excited to see you play—after you’ve healed completely, of course.” She scanned the paper again, like she was trying to figure out how everything came together.

  “I want to go home.” That was the truth. I wanted to figure out what the hell had caused Pixie to tell everyone everything.

  “Oh, sweetheart. I’ve got to tell you, honestly, you’re not going back to home as you know it. I mean, barring something very strange, your father is going to have to do some time.

  “What if I say he didn’t do it. It wasn’t him?” I was grasping at straws.

  “The only other person at the scene was a twelve-year-old girl. Are you saying she’s the one that did this to you? Because that’s what your father said, too.” She bit the side of her mouth.

  Dad had tried to pin my beating on Pixie. I didn’t remember anything, but I knew his handiwork. It was him. Of course. Pixie would never hurt me...well, except for the betrayal part.

  “It wasn’t her. She’s my friend and not a violent person.” I pictured her with the bat when I was getting roughed up. She wasn’t violent unless she was helping someone.

  Mrs. Josephine stood up. “Hey, I’ll be back tomorrow when I have more information. I have to go to court now, but here’s my card. I’m your guardian for the time being. Let me know if you need anything.”

  I wanted to have her tell Pixie to come see me. Make her stay here and help me figure out what to do. We were always better together.

  I wanted to close my eyes, but the therapist walked in right behind the social worker.

  Chapter 29

  GAZE

  MIKE, RONNA, AUSTIN, Hamilton, and Teddi Burathon could not be more eager to let me set the pace of the foster life.

  I knew what I was getting was not the way it usually was. I didn’t get to go back to the apartment because I’d been in the hospital and PT for so long the social worker told me the apartment was probably cleaned out and rented. She said she’d look into it, but she was on the phone when she agreed, and I was pretty sure she’d forget. When Mike and Ronna picked me up from the hospital, you would have thought they were looking at a newborn baby, instead of a teenage boy. I was in scrubs that the nurses had lent me, but Ronna had a suitcase full of clothes for me to try.

  Some were hand-me-downs, but most had tags. I found jeans that were a little too long and a t-shirt. The sneakers were the right size, brand new and expensive.

  “We’re really excited for you to come and stay with us. We have a room for you and the kids are so excited and wait until you meet Rocket. She will be so excited... Wait. Do you like dogs? Are you allergic to dogs? I forgot to ask if you were allergic to dogs.”

  “I think dogs are cool. I mean, there are a few in our neighborhood who aren’t friendly, but most are and I like them. Never had one, though.” I held out my hand to Mike. “Nice to meet you, sir.” And then I did the same to Ronna. “And ma’am. This is really nice of you.”

  I was wary about what their angle was. I was a complete stranger, and they could not be nicer. Mike gave me a firm shake and put his hand on my shoulder. “We’ve been looking forward to this. Really excited to have you with us.”

  He had a coach vibe and reminded me of the feel-good ones from TV.

  “Are there any meds or anything we need to know about?” Ronna spoke to the nurse that was in charge of discharge and me at the same time.

  I scratched my head. No Pixie. Though I wasn’t sure how she would’ve found out about me leaving. I tried calling her from the hospital phone a bunch. Sometimes I was angry. Most of the time I was lonely for her. I didn’t realize how well I slept with her beside me. And that wasn’t something I could explain to any of the people in this room.

  Her home phone was perpetually busy and her cell phone number was disconnected. And that happened from time to time. Our phones would be turned off for non-payment. Well, not mine anymore because the bill got paid.

  While the nurse spoke to Ronna, Mike took the time to lean closer. “Hey, we’re really sorry about how you got in this situation.”

  I nodded. I didn’t want to get into it. I knew that my father had accepted a plea deal. He was sentenced to four years in prison. Part of the reason he took that deal was the eyewitness who was willing to testify. Pixie.

  I zipped up the suitcase.

  “I heard you like basketball.” Mike looked so hopeful.

  “Yeah. I’m sure I’m rusty now. I haven’t even tried to touch a ball yet.” I wiggled my fingers, suddenly aching to try it out.

  Ronna clued back into the conversation. “Mike, are you talking to him about basketball already?”

  He was sheepish and then grimaced.

  “It’s totally okay. I love the game.” I gave Mike a man nod to let him know I had his back.

  “Fine. But Gaze sets the pace.” She gave him a warning look.

  Ronna seemed like everybody’s mother. She asked the nurse how she liked her job and smoothed the bedsheets on my now empty bed like it was second nature.

  Once we had my papers and prescriptions, Ronna made sure that the hospital would send my records to a specific doctor they’d picked out already.

  “Dr. Burken has been our pediatrician for years. He’s wonderful. We want to make sure he has access to Gaze’s records here.” Ronna went to take the suitcase from me, but Mike stepped in front.

  The social worker, Mrs. Josephine, bustled in at the last moment, giving me a half-hug. “This is going to be good for you, kiddo. I’m going to see you once a month or so to check in. You’ll work with a different social worker closer to Poughkeepsie, but you can call me anytime.”

  I knew that she meant it, but I’d never been around someone so incredibly overbooked on her time in my life. I doubted I would call.

  She told Ronna that I needed to see a court-appointed therapist and a PT, and that the state would cover the cost. They would just have to use ones that were in the insurance program.

  Ronna smiled, but her eyes stayed flat. “We’ll make sure he gets every appointment he needs.”

  I felt trepidation in my chest. I was to go live with these people for at least a little while. As if sensing it, Mike started rambling, “So the kids are really into gaming and stuff. Except Austin. He’s interested in fashion and stuff.”

  He pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of his kids. Unlike the posed picture in front of the house, this one was the three kids piled on a couch. The girl had long blonde hair and a blinding smile. She had her arms wrapped around the necks of both boys. One had a shirt with a symbol that I recognized from a first-person shooter game and his hair was a wild mop on his head. The other boy had black eyeliner expertly smudged under his eyes and black nail polish. His outfit was all black, but his grin was twice as cheesy as the girl’s.

  “They’re great kids. I mean, no one’s perfect, but they really are a ton of fun.” Mike smiled at the picture.

  Ronna finally had all the paperwork in order and she draped an arm around my shoulder like she was used to doing it.

  “Ready to head home?”

  Ronna was looking straight at me, not her husband.

  I turned to the hospital phone, saying goodbye to Pixie in my head. The thought of her made me both angry and sad at the same time. “Okay
.”

  I was headed to another whole future, at least for a little while.

  _______________

  Officer Sam stopped by while I read a book. Mom let him in and I was grateful that Bic wasn’t here to give us the business.

  “Hey, Pix.”

  Officer Sam wasn’t a bad guy. And he certainly didn’t need to stop by my house to give me Gaze updates, but he did it anyway.

  Especially when Bic wasn’t here.

  “Hey. What’s up?”

  Officer Sam came into my room and sat at my desk chair. “Just checking on you.”

  “Did Gaze leave the hospital?”

  “He did. And he looked great. At least that’s what Pam told me.” He tilted his head in a way that made me think he felt sorry for me. I waited to see what the news would be. “He left with his new foster parents.”

  “Oh.” I felt the blow to my center. “They’re from around here?”

  “No, Pix. They’re from Poughkeepsie. Great school system and everything.” He cleared his throat.

  I didn’t think the relation between where Gaze’s grandfather lived and Gaze’s new foster parents was a coincidence. And it made me miserable and happy.

  I set my bookmark in my book and closed it next to me. “I need a favor.” I was going to have to close this chapter of my life just like I did my book.

  “I’m kind of in the middle of the last favor I’m doing you.” He held out his hands.

  I pointed out the window. “I want to close that window and clean up that apartment.”

  Office Sam stood and squinted. “That’s Gaze’s place?”

  He worded it as a question, but we both knew he knew the details of how I had walked across the ramp. The landlord was apparently involved in trying to get the ramp removed, but the hot water in our shower was backwards and turned cold instead for the last ten years, so I wasn’t worried he would really get rid of it.

  Officer Sam watched my face for a while and then nodded. “You’re trouble, Pixie Rae.” He moved his lips to the side and it popped his dimple out.