Magic, Inc

by Robert A. Heinlein

  I stood up in involuntary respect when Dr Worthington entered the room.

  Let us begin,' he said in a perfectly ordinary voice, and squatted down, his great toes spread and grasping the floor. He took several things out of the pouch - a dog's tail, a wrinkled black object the size of a man's fist, and other things hard to identify. He fastened the tail to his waist so that it hung down behind. Then he picked up one of the things that he had taken from the pouch - a small item, wrapped and tied in red silk - and said to me, Will you open your safe?'

  I did so, and stepped back out of his way. He thrust the little bundle inside, clanged the door shut, and spun the knob. I looked inquiringly at Jedson.

  He has his ... well .. . soul in that package, and has sealed it away behind cold iron. He does not know what dangers he may encounter,' Jedson whispered. See?' I looked and saw him pass his thumb carefully all around the crack that joined the safe to its door.

  He returned to the middle of the floor and picked up the wrinkled black object and rubbed it affectionately. This is my mother's father,' he announced. I looked at it more closely and saw that it was a mummified human head with a few wisps of hair still clinging to the edge of the scalp! He is very wise,' he continued in a matter-of-fact voice, and I shall need his advice. Grandfather, this is your new son and his friend.' Jedson bowed, and I found myself doing so. They want our help.'

  He started to converse with the head in his own tongue, listening from time to time, and then answering. Once they seemed to get into an argument, but the matter must have been settled satisfactorily, for the palaver soon quieted down. After a few minutes he ceased talking and glanced around the room. His eye lit on a bracket shelf intended for an electric fan, which was quite high off the floor.

  There!' he said. That will do nicely. Grandfather needs a high place from which to watch.' He bent over and placed the little head on the bracket so that it faced out into the room.

  When he returned to his place in the middle of the room he dropped to all fours and commenced to cast around with his nose like a hunting dog trying to pick up a scent. He ran back and forth, snuffling and whining, exactly like a pack leader worried by mixed trails. The tail fastened to his waist stood up tensely and quivered, as if still part of a live animal. His gait and his mannerisms mimicked those of a hound so convincingly that I blinked my eyes when he sat down suddenly and announced:

  I've never seen a place more loaded with traces of magic. I can pick out Mrs Jennings's very strongly and your own business magic. But after I eliminate them the air is still crowded. You must have had everything but a rain dance and a sabbat going on around you!'

  He dropped back into his character of a dog without giving us a chance to reply, and started making his casts a little wider. Presently he appeared to come to some sort of an impasse, for he settled back, looked at the head, and whined vigorously. Then he waited.

  The reply must have satisfied him; he gave a sharp bark and dragged open the bottom drawer of a file cabinet, working clumsily, as if with paws instead of hands. He dug into the back of the drawer eagerly and hauled out something which he popped into his pouch.

  After that he trotted very cheerfully around the place for a short time, until he had poked his nose into every odd corner. When he had finished he returned to the middle of the floor, squatted down again, and said, That takes care of everything here for the present. This place is the centre of their attack, so grandfather has agreed to stay and watch here until I can bind a cord around your place to keep witches out.'

  I was a little perturbed at that. I was sure the head would scare my office girl half out of her wits if she saw it. I said so as diplomatically as possible.

  How about that?' he asked the head, then turned back to me after a moment of listening. Grandfather says it's all right; he won't let anyone see him he has not been introduced to.' It turned out that he was perfectly correct; nobody noticed it, not even the scrubwoman.

  Now then,' he went on, I want to check over my brother's place of business at the earliest opportunity, and I want to smell out both of your homes and insulate them against mischief. In the meantime, here is some advice for each of you to follow carefully: Don't let anything of yourself fall into the hands of strangers - nail parings, spittle, hair cuttings - guard it all. Destroy them by fire, or engulf them in running water. It will make our task much simpler. I am finished.' He got up and strode back into the cloakroom.

  Ten minutes later the dignified and scholarly Dr Worthington was smoking a cigarette with us. I had to look up at his grandfather's head to convince myself that a jungle lord had actually been there.

  Business was picking up at that time, and I had no more screwy accidents after Dr Worthington cleaned out the place. I could see a net profit for the quarter and was beginning to feel cheerful again. I received a letter from Ditworth, dunning me about Biddle's phony claim, but I filed it in the wastebasket without giving it a thought.

  One day shortly before noon Feldstein, the magicians' agent, dropped into my place. Hi, Zack!' I said cheerfully when he walked in. How's business?'

  Mr Fraser, of all questions, that you should ask me that one,' he said, shaking his head mournfully from side to side. Business - it is terrible.'

  Why do you say that?' I asked. I see lots of signs of activity around-'

  Appearances are deceiving,' he insisted, especially in my business. Tell me - have you heard of a concern calling themselves "Magic, Incorporated ?'

  That's funny,' I told him. I just did, for the first time. This just came in the mail' - and I held up an unopened letter. It had a return address on it of Magic, Incorporated, Suite 700, Commonwealth Building'.

  Feldstein took it gingerly, as if he thought it might poison him, and inspected it. That's the parties I mean,' he confirmed. The gonophs!'

  Why, what's the trouble, Zack?'

  They don't want that a man should make an honest living

  - Mr Fraser,' he interrupted himself anxiously, you wouldn't quit doing business with an old friend who had always done right by you?'

  Of course not, Zack, but what's it all about?'

  Read it. Go ahead.' He shoved the letter back at me.

  I opened it. The paper was a fine quality, watermarked, rag bond, and the letterhead was chaste and dignified. I glanced over the stuffed-shirt committee and was quite agreeably impressed by the calibre of men they had as officers and directors - big men, all of them, except for a couple of names among the executives that I did not recognize.

  The letter itself amounted to an advertising prospectus. It was a new idea; I suppose you could call it a holding company for magicians. They offered to provide any and all kinds of magical service. The customer could dispense with shopping around; he could call this one number, state his needs, and the company would supply the service and bill him. It seemed fair enough - no more than an incorporated agency.

  I glanced on down. -fully guaranteed service, backed by the entire assets of a responsible company--' -surprisingly low standard fees, made possible by elimination of fee splitting with agents and by centralized administration-' The gratifying response from the members of the great profession enables us to predict that Magic, Incorporated, will be the natural source to turn to for competent thaumaturgy in any line - probably the only source of truly first-rate magic-'

  I put it down. Why worry about it, Zack? It's just another agency. As for their claims - I've heard you say that you have all the best ones in your stable. You didn't expect to be believed, did you?'

  No,' he conceded, not quite, maybe - among us two. But this is really serious, Mr Fraser. They've hired away most of my really first-class operators with salaries and bonuses I can't match. And now they offer magic to the public at a price that undersells those I've got left. It's ruin, I'm telling you.'

  It was hard lines. Feldstein was a nice little guy who grabbed the nickels the way he did for a wife and five beady- eyed kids, to whom he was devoted. But I felt he was exagger
ating; he has a tendency to dramatize himself. Don't worry,' I said, I'll stick by you, and so, I imagine, will most of your customers. This outfit can't get all the magicians together; they're too independent. Look at Ditworth. He tried with his association. What did it get him?'

  Ditworth - aagh!' He started to spit, then remembered he was in my office. This is Ditworth - this company!'

  How do you figure that? He's not on the letterhead.'

  I found out. You think he wasn't successful because you held out. They held a meeting of the directors of the association - that's Ditworth and his two secretaries - and voted the contracts over to the new corporation. Then Ditworth resigns and his stooge steps in as front for the nonprofit association, and Ditworth runs both companies. You will see! If we could open the books of Magic, Incorporated, you will find he has voting control. I know it!'

  It seems unlikely,' I said slowly.

  You'll see! Ditworth with all his fancy talk about a nonprofit service for the improvement of standards shouldn't be any place around Magic, Incorporated, should he, now? You call up and ask for him-'

  I did not answer, but dialled the number on the letterhead. When a girl's voice said, Good morning - Magic, Incorporated,' I said:

  Mr Ditworth, please.'

  She hesitated quite a long time, then said, Who is calling, please?'

  That made it my turn to hesitate. I did not want to talk to Ditworth; I wanted to establish a fact. I finally said, Tell him it's Dr Biddle's office.'

  Whereupon she answered readily enough, but with a trace of puzzlement in her voice, But Mr Ditworth is not in the suite just now; he was due in Dr Biddle's office half an hour ago. Didn't he arrive?'

  Oh,' I said, perhaps he's with the chief and I didn't see him come in. Sorry.' And I rang off.

  I guess you are right,' I admitted, turning back to Feldstein.

  He was too worried to be pleased about it. Look,' he said, I want you should have lunch with me and talk about it some more.'

  I was just on my way to the Chamber of Commerce luncheon. Come along and we'll talk on the way. You're a member.'

  All right,' he agreed dolefully. Maybe I can't afford it much longer.'

  We were a little late and had to take separate seats. The treasurer stuck the kitty under my nose and twisted her tail'. He wanted a ten-cent fine from me for being late. The kitty is an ordinary frying pan with a mechanical bicycle bell mounted on the handle. We pay all fines on the spot, which is good for the treasury and a source of innocent amusement. The treasurer shoves the pan at you and rings the bell until you pay up.

  I hastily produced a dime and dropped it in. Steve Harris, who has an automobile agency, yelled, That's right! Make the Scotchman pay up!' and threw a roll at me.

  Ten cents for disorder,' announced our chairman, Norman Somers, without looking up. The treasurer put the bee on Steve. I heard the coin clink into the pan, then the bell was rung again.

  What's the trouble?' asked Somers.

  More of Steve's tricks,' the treasurer reported in a tired voice. Fairy gold, this time.' Steve had chucked in a synthetic coin that some friendly magician had made up for him. Naturally, when it struck cold iron it melted away.

  Two bits more for counterfeiting,' decided Somers, then handcuff him and ring up the United States attorney.' Steve is quite a card, but he does not put much over on Norman.

  Can't I finish my lunch first?' asked Steve, in tones that simply dripped with fake self-pity. Norman ignored him and he paid up.

  Steve, better have fun while you can,' commented Al Donahue, who runs a string of drive-in restaurants. When you sign up with Magic, Incorporated, you will have to cut out playing tricks with magic.' I sat up and listened.

  Who said I was going to sign up with them?'

  Huh? Of course you are. It's the logical thing to do. Don't be a dope.'

  Why should I?'

  Why should you? Why, it's the direction of progress, man. Take my case: I put out the fanciest line of vanishing desserts of any eating place in town. You can eat three of them if you like, and not feel full and not gain an ounce. Now I've been losing money on them, but kept them for advertising because of the way they bring in the women's trade. Now Magic, Incorporated, comes along and offers me the same thing at a price I can make money with them too. Naturally, I signed up.

  You would. Suppose they raise the prices on you after they have hired, or driven out of business, every competent wizard in town?'

  Donahue laughed in a superior, irritating way. I've got a contract.'

  So? How long does it run? And did you read the cancellation clause?'

  I knew what he was talking about, even if Donahue didn't; I had been through it. About five years ago a Portland cement firm came into town and began buying up the little dealers and cutting prices against the rest. They ran sixty-cent cement down to thirty-five cents a sack and broke their competitors. Then they jacked it back up by easy stages until cement sold for a dollar twenty-five. The boys took a whipping before they knew what had happened to them.

  We all had to shut up about then, for the guest speaker, old B. J. Timken, the big subdivider, started in. He spoke on Cooperation and Service'. Although he is not exactly a scintillating speaker, he had some very inspiring things to say about how businessmen could serve the community and help each other; I enjoyed it.

  After the clapping died down, Norman Somers thanked B. J. and said, That's all for today, gentlemen, unless there is some new business to bring before the house-'

  Jedson got up. I was sitting with my back to him, and had not known he was present. I think there is, Mr Chairman - a very important matter. I ask the indulgence of the Chair for a few minutes of informal discussion.

  Somers answered, Certainly, Joe, if you've got something important.'

  Thanks. I think it is. This is really an extension of the discussion between Al Donahue and Steve Harris earlier in the meeting. I think there has been a major change in business conditions going on in this city right under our noses and we haven't noticed it, except where it directly affected our own businesses. I refer to the trade in commercial magic. How many of you use magic in your business? Put your hands up.' All the hands went up, except for a couple of lawyers'. Personally, I had always figured they were magicians themselves.

  OK,' Jedson went on, put them down. We knew that; we all use it. I use it for textiles. Hank Manning here uses nothing else for cleaning and pressing, and probably uses it for some of his dye jobs too. Wally Haight's Maple Shop uses it to assemble and finish fine furniture. Stan Robertson will tell you that Le Bon Marchй's slick window displays are thrown together with spells, as well as two thirds of the merchandise in his store, especially in the kids' toy department. Now I want to ask you another question: In how many cases is the percentage of your cost charged to magic greater than your margin of profits? Think about it for a moment before answering.' He paused, then said: All right - put up your hands.'

  Nearly as many hands went up as before.

  That's the point of the whole matter. We've got to have magic to stay in business. If anyone gets a strangle hold on magic in this community, we are all at his mercy. We would have to pay any prices that are handed us, charge the prices we are told to, and take what profits we are allowed to - or go out of business!'

  The chairman interrupted him. Just a minute, Joe. Granting that what you say is true - it is, of course - do you have any reason to feel that we are confronted with any particular emergency in the matter?'

  Yes, I do have.' Joe's voice was low and very serious. Little reasons, most of them, but they add up to convince me that someone is engaged in a conspiracy in restraint of trade.' Jedson ran rapidly over the history of Ditworth's attempt to organize magicians and their clients into an association, presumably to raise the standards of the profession, and how alongside the nonprofit association had suddenly appeared a capital corporation which was already in a fair way to becoming a monopoly.

  Wait a second, Joe,
' put in Ed Parmelee, who has a produce jobbing business. I think that association is a fine idea. I was threatened by some rat who tried to intimidate me into letting him pick my magicians. I took it up with the association, and they took care of it; I didn't have any more trouble. I think an organization which can clamp down on racketeers is a pretty fine thing.'

  You had to sign with the association to get their help, didn't you?'

  Why, yes, but that's entirely reasonable-'

  Isn't it possible that your gangster got what he wanted when you signed up?'

  Why, that seems pretty farfetched.'

  I don't say,' persisted Joe, that is the explanation, but it is a distinct possibility. It would not be the first time that monopolists used goon squads with their left hands to get by coercion what their right hands could not touch. I wonder whether any of the rest of you have had similar experiences?'

  It developed that several of them had. I could see them beginning to think.

  One of the lawyers present formally asked a question through the chairman. Mr Chairman, passing for the moment from the association to Magic, Incorporated, is this corporation anything more than a union of magicians? If so, have they a legal right to organize?'

  Norman turned to Jedson. Will you answer that, Joe?'

  Certainly. It is not a union at all. It is a parallel to a situation in which all the carpenters in town are employees of one contractor; you deal with that contractor or you don't build.'

  Then it's a simple case of monopoly - if it is a monopoly. This state has a Little Sherman Act; you can prosecute.~

  I think you will find that it is a monopoly. Have any of you noticed that there are no magicians present at today's meet? We all looked around. It was perfectly true. I think you can expect,' he added, to find magicians represented hereafter in this chamber by some executive of Magic, Incorporated. With respect to the possibility of prosecution' - he hauled a folded newspaper out of his hip pocket - have any of you paid any attention to the governor's call for a special session of the legislature?'