Magic, Inc

by Robert A. Heinlein

  Al Donahue remarked superciliously that he was too busy making a living to waste any time on the political game. It was a deliberate dig at Joe, for everybody knew that he was a committee-man, and spent quite a lot of time on civic affairs. The dig must have gotten under Joe's skin, for he said pityingly, Al, it's a damn good thing for you that some of us are willing to spend a little time on government, or you would wake up some morning to find they had stolen the sidewalks in front of your house.'

  The chairman rapped for order; Joe apologized. Donahue muttered something under his breath about the whole political business being dirty, and that anyone associated with it was bound to turn crooked. I reached out for an ashtray and knocked over a glass of water, which spilled into Donahue's lap. It diverted his mind. Joe went on talking.

  Of course we knew a special session was likely for several reasons, but when they published the agenda of the call last night, I found tucked away towards the bottom an item "Regulation of Thaumaturgy . I couldn't believe that there was any reason to deal with such a matter in a special session unless something was up. I got on the phone last night and called a friend of mine at the capitol, a fellow committee member. She did not know anything about it, but she called me back later. Here's what she found out: The item was stuck into the agenda at the request of some of the governor's campaign backers; he has no special interest in it himself. Nobody seems to know what it is all about, but one bill on the subject has already been dropped in the hopper-' There was an interruption; somebody wanted to know what the bill said.

  I'm trying to tell you,' Joe said patiently. The bill was submitted by title alone; we won't be likely to know its contents until it is taken up in committee. But here is the title: "A Bill to Establish Professional Standards for Thaumaturgists, Regulate the Practice of the Thaumaturgic Profession, Provide for the Appointment of a Commission to Examine, License, and Administer- and so on. As you can see, it isn't even a proper title; it's just an omnibus on to which they can hang any sort of legislation regarding magic, including an abridgement of anti- monopoly regulation if they choose.'

  There was a short silence after this. I think all of us were trying to make up our minds on a subject that we were not really conversant with - politics. Presently someone spoke up and said, What do you think we ought to do about it?'

  Well,' he answered, we at least ought to have our own representative at the capitol to protect us in the clinches. Besides that, we at least ought to be prepared to submit our own bill, if this one has any tricks in it, and bargain for the best compromise we can get. We should at least get an implementing amendment out of it that would put some real teeth into the state anti-trust act, at least in so far as magic is concerned.' He grinned. That's four "at leasts , I think.'

  Why can't the state Chamber of Commerce handle it for us? They maintain a legislative bureau.'

  Sure, they have a lobby, but you know perfectly well that the state chamber doesn't see eye to eye with us little businessmen. We can't depend on them; we may actually be fighting them.'

  There was quite a powwow after Joe sat down. Everybody had his own ideas about what to do and tried to express them all at once. It became evident that there was no general agreement, whereupon Somers adjourned the meeting with the announcement that those interested in sending a representative to the capitol should stay. A few of the diehards like Donahue left, and the rest of us reconvened with Somers again in the chair. It was suggested that Jedson should be the one to go, and he agreed to do it.

  Feldstein got up and made a speech with tears in his eyes. He wandered and did not seem to be getting anyplace, but finally he managed to get out that Jedson would need a good big war chest to do any good at the capitol, and also should be compensated for his expenses and loss of time. At that he astounded us by pulling out a roll of bills, counting out one thousand dollars, and shoving it over in front of Joe.

  That display of sincerity caused him to be made finance chairman by general consent, and the subscriptions came in very nicely. I held down my natural impulses and matched Feldstein's donation, though I did wish he had not been quite so impetuous. I think Feldstein had a slight change of heart a little later, for he cautioned Joe to be economical and not to waste a lot of money buying liquor for those schlemiels at the capitol'.

  Jedson shook his head at this, and said that while he intended to pay his own expenses, he would have to have a free hand in the spending of the fund, particularly with respect to entertainment. He said the time was too short to depend on sweet reasonableness and disinterested patriotism alone - that some of those lunkheads had no more opinions than a weather vane and would vote to favour the last man they had had a drink with.

  Somebody made a shocked remark about bribery. I don't intend to bribe anyone,' Jedson answered with a brittle note in his voice. If it comes to swapping bribes, we're licked to start with. I am just praying that there are still enough unpledged votes up there to make a little persuasive talking and judicious browbeating worth while.'

  He got his own way, but I could not help agreeing privately with Feldstein. And I made a resolution to pay a little more attention to politics thereafter; I did not even know the name of my own legislator. How did I know whether or not he was a high-calibre man or just a cheap opportunist?

  And that is how Jedson, Bodie, and myself happened to find ourselves on the train, headed for the capitol.

  Bodie went along because Jedson wanted a first-rate magician to play bird dog for him. He said he did not know what might turn up. I went along because I wanted to. I had never been to the capitol before, except to pass through, and was interested to see how this law-making business is done.

  Jedson went straight to the Secretary of State's office to register as a lobbyist, while Jack and I took our baggage to the Hotel Constitution and booked some rooms. Mrs Logan, Joe's friend the committee-woman, showed up before he got back.

  Jedson had told us a great deal about Sally Logan during the train trip. He seemed to feel that she combined the shrewdness of Machiavelli with the greathearted integrity of Oliver Wendell Holmes. I was surprised at his enthusiasm, for I have often heard him grouse about women in politics.

  But you don't understand, Archie,' he elaborated. Sally isn't a woman politician, she is simply a politician, and asks no special consideration because of her sex. She can stand up and trade punches with the toughest manipulators on the Hill. What I said about women politicians is perfectly true, as a statistical generalization, but it proves nothing about any particular woman.

  It's like this: Most women in the United States have a short-sighted, peasant individualism resulting from the male- created romantic tradition of the last century. They were told that they were superior creatures, a little nearer to the angels than their menfolks. They were not encouraged to think, nor to assume social responsibility. It takes a strong mind to break out of that sort of conditioning, and most minds simply aren't up to it, male or female.

  Consequently, women as electors are usually suckers for romantic nonsense. They can be flattered into misusing their ballot even more easily than men. In politics their self-righteous feeling of virtue, combined with their essentially peasant training, resulted in their introducing a type of cut-rate, petty chiselling that should make Boss Tweed spin in his coffin.

  But Sally's not like that. She's got a tough mind which could reject the hokum.'

  You're not in love with her, are you?'

  Who, me? Sally's happily married and has two of the best kids I know.'

  What does her husband do?'

  Lawyer. One of the governor's supporters. Sally got started in politics through pinch-hitting for her husband one campaign.'

  What is her official position up here?'

  None. Right hand for the governor. That's her strength. Sally has never held a patronage job, nor been paid for her services.'

  After this build-up I was anxious to meet the paragon. When she called I spoke to her over the house phone and wa
s about to say that I would come down to the lobby when she announced that she was coming up, and hung up. I was a little startled at the informality, not yet realizing that politicians did not regard hotel rooms as bedrooms, but as business offices.

  When I let her in she said, You're Archie Fraser, aren't you? I'm Sally Logan. Where's Joe?'

  He'll be back soon. Won't you sit down and wait?'

  Thanks.' She plopped herself into a chair, took off her hat and shook out her hair. I looked her over.

  I had unconsciously expected something pretty formidable in the way of a mannish matron. What I saw was a young, plump, cheerful-looking blonde, with an untidy mass of yellow hair and frank blue eyes. She was entirely feminine, not over thirty at the outside, and there was something about her that was tremendously reassuring.

  She made me think of county fairs and well water and sugar cookies.

  I'm afraid this is going to be a tough proposition,' she began at once. I didn't think there was much interest in the matter, and I still don't think so, but just the same someone has a solid bloc lined up for Assembly Bill 22 - that's the bill I wired Joe about. What do you boys plan to do, make a straight fight to kill it or submit a substitute bill?'

  Jedson drew up a fair-practices act with the aid of some of our Half World friends and a couple of lawyers. Would you like to see it?'

  Please. I stopped by the State Printing Office and got a few copies of the bill you are against - AB 22. We'll swap.'

  I was trying to translate the foreign language lawyers use when they write statutes when Jedson came in. He patted Sally's cheek without speaking, and she reached up and squeezed his hand and went on with her reading. He commenced reading over my shoulder. I gave up and let him have it. It made a set of building specifications look simple.

  Sally asked, What do you think of it, Joe?'

  Worse than I expected,' he replied. Take Paragraph 7-'

  I haven't read it yet.'

  So? Well, in the first place it recognizes the association as a semipublic body like the Bar Association or the Community Chest, and permits it to initiate actions before the commission. That means that every magician had better by a damn sight belong to Ditworth's association and be careful not to offend it.,

  But how can that be legal?' I asked. It sounds unconstitutional to me - a private association like that-'

  Plenty of precedent, son. Corporations to promote world's fairs, for example. They're recognized, and even voted tax money. As for unconstitutionality, you'd have to prove that the law was not equal in application - which it isn't! - but awfully hard to prove.'

  But, anyhow, a witch gets a hearing before the commission?'

  Sure, but there is the rub. The commission has very broad powers, almost unlimited powers over everything connected with magic. The bill is filled with phrases like "reasonable and proper , which means the sky's the limit, with nothing but the good sense and decency of the commissioners to restrain them. That's my objection to commissions in government - the law can never be equal in application under them. They have delegated legislative powers, and the law is what they say it is. You might as well face a drumhead court- martial.

  There are nine commissioners provided for in this case, six of which must be licensed magicians, first-class. I don't suppose it is necessary to point out that a few ill-advised appointments to the original commission will turn it into a tight little self-perpetuating oligarchy - through its power to license.'

  Sally and Joe were going over to see a legislator whom they thought might sponsor our bill, so they dropped me off at the capitol. I wanted to listen to some of the debate.

  It gave me a warm feeling to climb up the big, wide steps of the statehouse. The old, ugly mass of masonry seemed to represent something tough in the character of the American people, the determination of free men to manage their own affairs. Our own current problem seemed a little smaller, not quite so overpoweringly important - still worth working on, but simply one example in a long history of the general problem of self-government.

  I noticed something else as I was approaching the great bronze doors; the contractor for the outer construction of the building must have made his pile; the mix for the mortar was not richer than one to six!

  I decided on the Assembly rather than the Senate because Sally said they generally put on a livelier show. When I entered the hall they were discussing a resolution to investigate the tarring and feathering the previous month of three agricultural-worker organizers up near the town of Six Points. Sally had remarked that it was on the calendar for the day, but that it would not take long because the proponents of the resolution did not really want it. However, the Central Labour Council had passed a resolution demanding it, and the labour- supported members were stuck with it.

  The reason why they could only go through the motions of asking for an investigation was that the organizers were not really human beings at all, but mandrakes, a fact that the state council had not been aware of when they asked for an investigation. Since the making of mandrakes is the blackest kind of black magic, and highly illegal, they needed some way to drop it quietly. The use of mandrakes has always been opposed by organized labour, because it displaces real men - men with families to support. For the same reasons they oppose synthetic facsimiles and homunculi. But it is well known that the unions are not above using mandrakes, or mandragoras, as well as facsimiles, when it suits their purpose, such as for pickets, pressure groups, and the like. I suppose they feel justified in fighting fire with fire. Homunculi they can't use on account of their size, since they are too small to be passed off as men.

  If Sally had not primed me, I would not have understood what took place. Each of the labour members got up and demanded in forthright terms a resolution to investigate. When they were all through, someone proposed that the matter be tabled until the grand jury of the county concerned held its next meeting. This motion was voted on without debate and without a roll call; although practically no members were present except those who had spoken in favour of the original resolution, the motion passed easily.

  There was the usual crop of oil-industry bills on the agenda, such as you read about in the newspapers every time the legislature is in session. One of them was the next item on the day's calendar - a bill which proposed that the governor negotiate a treaty with the gnomes, under which the gnomes would aid the petroleum engineers in prospecting and, in addition, would advise humans in drilling methods so as to maintain the natural gas pressure underground needed to raise the oil to the surface. I think that is the idea, but I am no petroleum engineer.

  The proponent spoke first. Mr Speaker,' he said, I ask for a "Yes vote on this bill, A B 79. Its purpose is quite simple and the advantages obvious. A very large part of the overhead cost of recovering crude oil from the ground lies in the uncertainties of prospecting and drilling. With the aid of the Little People this item can be reduced to an estimated 7 per cent of its present dollar cost, and the price of gasoline and other petroleum products to the people can be greatly lessened.

  The matter of underground gas pressure is a little more technical, but suffice it to say that it takes, in round numbers, a thousand cubic feet of natural gas to raise one barrel of oil to the surface. If we can get intelligent supervision of drilling operations far underground, where no human being can go, we can make the most economical use of this precious gas pressure.

  The only rational objection to this bill lies in whether or not we can deal with the gnomes on favourable terms. I believe that we can, for the Administration has some excellent connexions in the Hall World. The gnomes are willing to negotiate in order to put a stop to the present condition of chaos in which human engineers drill blindly, sometimes wrecking their homes and not infrequently violating their sacred places. They not unreasonably claim everything under the surface as their kingdom, but are willing to make any reasonable concession to abate what is to them an intolerable nuisance.

  If this treaty works out well, a
s it will, we can expect to arrange other treaties which will enable us to exploit all of the metal and mineral resources of this state under conditions highly advantageous to us and not hurtful to the gnomes. Imagine, if you please, having a gnome with his X-ray eyes peer into a mountainside and locate a rich vein of gold for you!'

  It seemed very reasonable, except that, having once seen the king of the gnomes, I would not trust him very far, unless Mrs Jennings did the negotiating.

  As soon as the proponent sat down, another member jumped up and just as vigorously denounced it. He was older than most of the members, and I judged him to be a country lawyer. His accent placed him in the northern part of the state, well away from the oil country. Mr Speaker,' he bellowed, I ask for a vote of "No! . Who would dream that an American legislature would stoop to such degrading nonsense? Have any of you ever seen a gnome? Have you any reason to believe that gnomes exist? This is just a cheap piece of political chicanery to do the public out of its proper share of the natural resources of our great state-'

  He was interrupted by a question. Does the honourable member from Lincoln County mean to imply that he has no belief in magic? Perhaps he does not believe in the radio or the telephone either.'

  Not at all. If the Chair will permit, I will state my position so clearly that even my respected colleague on the other side of the house will understand it. There are certain remarkable developments in human knowledge in general use which are commonly referred to by the laity as magic. These principles are well understood and are taught, I am happy to say, in our great publicly owned institutions for higher learning. I have every respect for the legitimate practitioners thereof. But, as I understand it, although I am not myself a practitioner of the great science, there is nothing in it that requires a belief in the Little People.