A Heart's Endeavor

by Wehr, Mary

  Okay, maybe it was paranoia, but maybe it wasn’t.

  A soft knock jerked Mel from her troubled thoughts. She perked up as Doctor Evans shuffled inside. He was a nice man, about sixty, and always managed to make her feel good about herself. Jack did too, but now she wasn’t so sure where their relationship was headed.

  Doctor Evans shook Mel’s hand and settled himself on a stool. He thumbed through some papers on a clipboard. He took off his glasses and stuffed them in the pocket of his white overcoat. His eyes shone with obvious approval. “I see that you’re driving and working. That’s good. How are you otherwise?”

  Mel took a deep breath. “I’m okay. I had a panic attack last night. It was the first one in a long time.” Her voice came out in a rush and she willed herself to calm down.

  Doctor Evans nodded and flipped through the pile of papers once again. He found the one he was obviously looking for and said, “The date on your chart indicates that the last attack you suffered happened well over a year ago. Did something occur lately to trigger it? Is there something on your mind?”

  Yes, admitting to a certain trooper about my depression. If she revealed her fears the doctor would just tell her there was nothing wrong with having depression. She had heard that song before.

  “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

  Mel sighed. The man had a knack for knowing when she was hiding something. “I met someone and I’m afraid…” Her voice trailed off.

  “You’re afraid to tell him that you suffer with depression.”

  “Yes.” She waited for the inevitable lecture that was sure to follow her admission of guilt.

  “Mel, not all people are as ignorant as your husband was.”

  She shot him a look of surprise.

  “I’m the one who diagnosed you with depression four years ago. I remember the way the man reacted to the news. He wasn’t happy. And not once did he accompany you to any of your appointments after the initial diagnosis.”

  The misery of that day came back to her in a rush. “I thought I was the only one who noticed how indifferent he had become.”

  Doctor Evans waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Forget about Mike. You need to focus on how far you’ve come since then. It must feel good to get out of the house for a while.”

  “Oh, it does,” Mel replied enthusiastically. “As you know, I experienced my first panic attack while driving. After that, I couldn’t get in the car without shaking. Mike didn’t want me to drive, and the fear of having another attack in the car scared me to death. For some reason I kept my driver’s license even though Mike told me to throw it away.”

  “Good for you. Your husband didn’t do you any favor by hiding you away. When you were ready to get behind the wheel of that car, he should have supported you. The only one who knows when you’re ready is you.” He paused a moment as if to allow those words to sink in. “It’s possible we might have to up your dose or change it altogether. You’ve been on the same medication for over four years. In other words, the honeymoon’s over. Your body may have become immune to that certain drug. Did you want to switch now, or do you feel comfortable enough to wait and see what happens?”

  Mel didn’t know what to do. “Will I have to wait another two to three weeks for the meds to take affect like I had to the first time this happened?” Now she was really nervous. Waiting for some kind of relief from the crying and the panic had been hell.

  “I can’t answer that. The other medication is still in your system, so that could be a big help to you. We can wait. I’m not saying a panic attack is a piece of cake to experience, but you know what to expect. You know it’s not going to last.”

  True, but panic overrode any rational thinking during an attack. She’d break out in a sweat and be cold at the same time. Her heart would pound in her chest as if she had run a marathon. “I wanted you to lower my dose so I could stop taking pills, but after last night I’m not so sure.”

  Doctor Evans shook his head. “The fact that you’re embarrassed is a very foolish reason to want to stop your meds. Plus, you’d be compromising your health. Depression doesn’t label you a mental case. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many patients I treat for depression. They range from senators to housewives to husbands, sometimes children. You could have a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes it’s hereditary. We just don’t know for sure. Half the battle is admitting that there is a problem. The other half is finding the right medication to control it. Some people are too ashamed and refuse to seek help. They hide it so well that even the closest members of their family don’t know what’s wrong until it’s too late.”

  Mel lowered her head in shame. He was referring to suicide. Suicide had crossed her mind a time or two when she felt it was the only way to end the attacks. Now she knew different. So, she had to keep taking the pills.

  “You did the right thing by coming to me. So many other lives could be turned around if everyone who suffered with this illness came forward. Just because it affects the emotional side of your make-up doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Now, tell me about this job.”

  As Mel talked, he rolled his eyes at some of the stories she related.

  “It appears you’re dealing quite well with the public.” He laughed. “The public can be tough at times. A person may have had a bad day at work and a cashier looks like the perfect person to take it out on.”

  Mel nodded. “But that doesn’t excuse me from being so grouchy the other day.”

  Doctor Evans patted her hand in a fatherly fashion. “You’re beating yourself up over nothing. Losing one’s temper is a normal human emotion. We all lose our temper at times. The main thing is you didn’t react with violence. If we all did what we thought about doing while angry, there’d be a whole lot of people sitting in jail.”

  Mel still had her doubts.

  Doctor Evans stood and offered Mel his hand. He escorted her out of the room and down the hall to the nurses’ desk. He handed the woman Mel’s chart. “Mel, how did you get to your appointment today?”

  Distracted, she blinked. “I drove, why?”

  His expression softened. “You’ve been coming to me for over ten years. You know darn well that I don’t sugarcoat things. Believe me, you’ve made remarkable progress. You’re not the same woman who came crying into my office four years ago scared to death that you were on the brink of insanity. Stay on the meds for a little while longer. We’ll see how you are three months from now.” He nodded to the nurse. “Schedule a mammogram for Mrs. Manning.”

  Mel grimaced and folded her arms across her chest.

  * * * *

  Okay. Playing phone tag was getting on Mel’s nerves. She’d call Jack and get his voice mail. He’d call back and leave a brief message. Two days had passed since her panic attack. Despite the note he had left, she was convinced that he was avoiding her.

  She ducked behind the deli to check her cell for messages. Cellphones weren’t allowed to be turned on during work, but a quick look wouldn’t hurt. No new messages. Frustrated as well as disappointed, she decided to get aggravated some more and check the lottery money. In no time at all she was ready to fling the instant lottery tickets out the window.

  Stacy moved away from her position at the window and looked at her register. “Isn’t that guy getting into his car at pump two the same one you had just waited on? If it is he didn’t tell you he had gotten fuel.”

  Mel spotted the twenty dollar charge still on the screen. “Son-of-a-bitch.” She raced to the window. “When he paid for his soda I asked him if that twenty in gas was his and he told me it wasn’t. I took him at his word.” She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  “There were two cars. I got the one that was at pump three,” Stacy said.

  Mel threw down the pencil and paper and headed for the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To get that money,” Mel shouted over her shoulder as she bolted out the door. She sprinted across the parking
lot and stopped in the middle of the road.

  Tires screeched. “You crazy bitch!” the driver yelled out the window. “Get outta the way.”

  Mel folded her arms across her chest. “You owe for that gas you pumped.”

  “Sir, please return to the parking lot.”

  The deep voice that came from behind made her jump. Mel swung around and her eyes shot wide open in surprise. Geez, when did that trooper show up? She gathered her wits and saw that there was another trooper off to the side. No way was the thief skipping out again. She looked up and down the highway. Traffic was backed up in both lanes and here she was standing right smack in the middle of it all.

  She turned back to the officer and smiled sheepishly.

  “Trooper Jones, ma’am. Please go back to the store. I’ll need to take your statement.”

  Mel wasn’t about to argue. She pushed her feet into motion. By the time she reached the store and turned around the few onlookers that had gathered in a clump were gone. Traffic was running smoothly and she now sported a pounding headache.

  Ten minutes later Trooper Jones came inside the store, and as she recounted her side of the story he wrote down all of the information on a little notepad he had pulled from his back pocket.

  “Ma’am, do you realize what could have happened out there? Chasing down a twenty dollar gas drive-off isn’t worth risking your life.”

  Mel deflated like a balloon. That thought had occurred to her. Now that someone else had pointed it out she felt downright stupid. Yes, she knew exactly what she had done, but it was the principal of the thing. The customer had lied to her face, and that’s what pissed her off. She had acted without thinking.

  “Yes, I know, stupid, huh?” she said.

  The man merely raised a brow at her observation.

  Mel wasn’t keen on asking this particular question, but she did anyway. “Is Trooper Horan anywhere nearby?” When he finds out about this he’ll blow a gasket for sure.

  “He’s on the interstate, probably having heart failure right about now.”

  That remark didn’t comfort Mel in the least.

  Her dismay must have shown on her face because he added, on a friendlier note, “Hey, we all do things without thinking at times. Don’t sweat over it. Next time, just try and get the plate number or at least a description of the car and we’ll do the rest.” She saw his hazel eyes darken to a chocolate brown. “Bob needs to get his act together and set up a pre-pay for gas. I don’t know what he’s waiting for. There aren’t many gas stations in Pennsylvania that don’t have pre-pay.”

  The rumble of a motorcycle interrupted the conversation. Mel assured Trooper Jones that she was okay and he went outside. She watched as he shook Bob’s hand. The two men talked for a while. By the tight set of Bob’s mouth Mel knew she was in trouble. He came into the store and flicked his fingers in a motion for her to follow him. They reached the office and he stepped aside for her to go ahead of him.

  Mel sat down and twisted her hands in her lap. “I’m so sorry for causing such a commotion.”

  Without a word, Bob left the office and returned with a cup of coffee. “Here, drink this, then I want you to go home and relax.” She opened her mouth to protest, but he silenced her with a wave of his hand. “I mean it, Mel. Go home. I’ll stay with Stacy. Pull yourself together and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “You mean you’re not firing me?”

  Bob chuckled. “Now why would I fire the best employee I ever had?”

  Mel exhaled a loud whoosh of relief.

  “That doesn’t mean what you did was the right thing to do. I don’t expect you to chase down gas drive-offs, but I appreciate your dedication. I’ve put off a pre-pay system for far too long. Tomorrow, I’ll set the ball in motion. Cash customers must come inside and pay first. Credit cards can be used at the pumps.” He took the empty cup from her hands. “Now, go home.”

  Chapter 11

  Jack banged on the door and waited. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. If she didn’t answer soon, he’d shoot sky high. Damn! Why in blue blazes would she risk her life by chasing down a gas drive-off? Christ, if the guy had been drunk or high on drugs she could have been killed.

  The door opened and he fought back the urge to gather her into his arms and kiss the stuffing out of her. She looked ruffled from sleep and downright sexy as hell in a pink satin nighty and matching robe. His cock rose to full salute at her bare feet and pink-polished toenails. Down, boy. Now is not the time for fun. He ground his jaw and pushed his way inside, giving Mel no other option but to back up into the kitchen.

  “I heard what you did.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a shake. “Don’t ever pull a stupid stunt like that again.”

  Mel yanked out of his grasp. “My, it didn’t take long for your watch dogs to report, did it?”

  Jack’s jaw twitched. Okay, she had him there. If he was busy with a case or had to go out on a call, he made certain at least one of the guys stopped by the store whenever she was working to check on her. If she considered that a problem they’d talk about it later, right now he could hardly see straight he was so angry. By the livid expression on her face she was too.

  Mel crossed her arms over her chest. “I haven’t seen you since the day before yesterday and now you show up telling me what to do. I saw a wrong and I corrected it. The man fueled his car without paying.”

  Jack clenched his fists at his sides. He so wanted to strangle her. “You could have gotten run over for twenty fucking dollars. And for your information, it’s not your job to chase someone for stealing. That’s my responsibility.”

  Although angry, Jack bit back a smile at the sight of her standing in the middle of the kitchen with her blue eyes shooting daggers and her mouth clamped shut. Well, he’d be damned if he’d let her keep everything bottled up inside. He wasn’t Mike. If she had something to say then he’d rather she come right out and say it. It’d probably make her feel a hell of a lot better.

  “What’s the matter, Mel? You want to yell at me? Hit me?” He made a sweeping gesture with his hands. “Go ahead and give me your worse.”

  Her brows narrowed. No doubt about it. She was definitely fighting a battle between remaining calm and biting his head off. Either way she was going to get a sound spanking for taking at least ten years off his life.

  Whatever she said or did wouldn’t piss him off any more than he was right now. All she needed was a little bit of a push. “You know I’m going to punish you for scaring the hell out of me. You might as well go for broke.”

  * * * *

  Punish her? Just who did he think he was? Mel clenched her teeth. He was standing there with that knowing grin on his face and those powerful arms crossed over his chest. Damn, she hated when he did that. He probably thought it made him look superior. Too bad it did.

  “Damn you, Jack Horan, don’t you think I know what I did was stupid?” Her voice rose with each word. “I told Bob I wouldn’t do it again.” She screamed the words at him. Boy, it felt good to yell. Damn good. So good she was ready to do it again.

  “Damn straight you won’t.”

  Now that note of authority really ticked her off. She didn’t mind being bossed in the bedroom, but Jack Horan had another thing coming if he thought he could order her around any other time. “Don’t stand there and act all Neanderthal and tell me what to do. Where were you the past couple of days?” Shit, she hadn’t meant say that. She sounded like a jealous wife.

  “Didn’t you read my note?”

  Momentarily caught off guard by the question, and not sure how to respond, because he had indeed left a note, Mel pressed her lips together and remained silent.

  He stepped closer, and she could feel the heat radiating from his body. “You thought I didn’t want to see you again because of the panic attack, didn’t you?”

  Mel so wanted to kick herself. Mike would have reacted with such ignorance. But not Jack. Jack was different. He had proven time and time again t
hat he wasn’t at all like Mike.

  She swallowed hard. He sounded more hurt than angry. The sight of him in his full trooper regalia had her growing warm all over. God, he was hot. Judging from the tic bouncing along his jaw, his mood matched. This was not the carefree, happy man she had been with the past week.

  All of a sudden he moved. Mel backed up a step, then another, but he kept on coming. She sidled along the cupboards and passed the refrigerator. The only place left was the living room or the bedroom. Mel knew she wouldn’t get past him so she darted to the opposite side of the oblong kitchen table. If he wanted her, he’d have to move the solid piece of furniture because she wasn’t budging. Her eyes widened when he reached for his gun.

  “You’re not planning on shooting me, are you?” Talk about pushing one’s luck.

  He looked disappointed. “No, Mel, I’m not going to shoot you. What I am going to do is give you a spanking.” He unbuckled his belt with all the trappings. “Maybe if I blister your bottom you’ll think twice before placing yourself in danger.”

  Mel’s belly tightened.

  “I don’t like what you did today, Melanie. You scared me half to death.” He laid the palms of his hands on the table and leaned forward. She automatically backed away and came up against the wall behind her. “Come here, sweetheart.”

  Oh no. If he thought she’d bow her head and meekly lay across his lap, he was in for a big surprise. She was quite familiar with those powerful hands on a good day. No way in hell was she going to surrender when he was this angry. Under normal circumstances Mel trusted him not to hurt her, but at the moment he looked livid enough to inflict some type of painful retribution on her person. Specifically her backside.

  His lips flattened into a thin line. “Honey, don’t make me come and get you.”

  Blast, he was dead serious. Okay, now it was time to grovel. “I’m truly sorry for scaring you. L-let’s sit down and talk this over, shall we?”

  The thunderous scowl on his face was answer enough. She wasn’t coming out of this unscathed. His nostrils flared like an angry bull she had seen on the nature channel once. Her eyes darted toward the bedroom door. Just three steps and she’d be bolted behind that solid piece of wood. Dark green eyes locked onto hers. It was as if he was trying to hypnotize her and make her remain where she was. She had to make a run for it.