A Heart's Endeavor

by Wehr, Mary

  Mel feigned a move to her left then lunged to her right, but Jack caught her neatly around the waist. He kicked out one of the chairs, sat down, and deposited her none too gently across his lap. She pummeled his legs and kicked out with her feet. “Jack Horan, you let me go this minute. I’m too old to be spanked like a child.”

  Jack grabbed her hands and pinned them at the small of her back. “You’d never be too old for a spanking, young lady. Stop this kicking and remain still.” His tone was calm, but the firm note of authority warned Mel that he had reached his breaking point. “Keep fighting and I’ll lift up this flimsy nighty and bare your ass to my hand.” He gave her hands a light squeeze. “Care to put it to the test?”

  No, Mel didn’t want to put it to a test. He had her pinned. She was in no position to fight.

  He tapped her sharply on the ass. “Do we understand each other?”

  His touch prompted a short nod and nothing else. Mel couldn’t form any words right now if her life depended on it.

  “Good.” Jack relaxed his hold on her wrists and leaned back in the chair. “Now, I came here to deliver one punishment, but it would appear you have earned two.”

  The casual manner in which he spoke made Mel gnash her teeth together. Blasted man was intent on making her sweat.

  “Your first mistake was placing yourself in danger over something that was not your fault. Bob needs to get his shit together concerning those gas pumps. The second mistake was that you doubted me.”

  Mel jerked as his free hand grazed along her bottom.

  “Do you know how scared I was when the call came in about a woman standing in the middle of the road at the Grab ‘n’ Go?” he asked. Smack. “Then Jim radios me and tells me it’s you.” Smack. “Dammit, woman, I was stuck on the interstate checking for drugs while you were frolicking in the middle of the road.”

  Mel reared her head and glared at him. “I was not frolicking. I was…ouch.” Clamping her mouth shut, she hung her head and concentrated on his black dress shoes. She refused to cry out as he delivered another slap. At the rate he was going she wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.

  Three more whacks in swift succession then she was turned right side up. She winced when her butt connected with his hard thighs. Jack brushed the hair out of her eyes and wiped away her tears with his thumb. He tilted her chin. “Don’t ever scare me like that again, do you hear me? What made you pull such a crazy stunt?”

  The word ‘crazy’ struck a sensitive chord in Mel. She wiggled out of his hold and fell to the floor. Jack bent down and reached for her, but she slapped at his hands. Oh God, he thinks I’m crazy. He needed to know the truth. They couldn’t go on this way. She couldn’t go on this way.

  Without a word, she stood and went to the bedroom. Within seconds, she returned with a bottle clutched tightly in her hands. She tossed the bottle to Jack. He caught it smoothly and turned it over so the printed side was facing up. “What do these have to do with anything?”

  Mel snorted her disbelief. Who was he kidding? “Can’t you read? You said I was crazy.” She jabbed a finger at the bottle in his hands. “Well, there’s the proof. I not only have panic attacks on occasion, I also have clinical depression.” She threw her hands up in the air. “Oh, and I forgot to mention OCD.”

  “Obsessive compulsive disorder.”

  Mel clapped her hands together in mock-glee. “That’s it. It would take me longer to check and make sure I unplugged my coffee pot and locked the door than it did to get dressed for work.” She paced the small kitchen. “Isn’t that a hoot?” She stopped directly in front of him and thrust out her chin. “I’ll understand if you want to leave.”

  There, it was out. The shame of having to take a pill every day so she could function normally in society was laid at his feet. If he left, then so be it. She’d be alone again. She had handled loneliness once and she could do it again. Mel’s breath hitched. She didn’t want him to leave. She couldn’t do this alone anymore.

  Jack set the bottle of pills on the table and took hold of her hands. He lifted them to his mouth and kissed each one of her knuckles. “I never said you were crazy. I asked what made you pull such a crazy stunt. There’s a big difference.”

  Mel shook her head adamantly. “Not to me. I have to take those blasted pills every day.”

  “So? I have type two diabetes. I have to take pills every day too.”

  Mel eyed the bottle on the table as if it were a coiled snake ready to strike. “Not those kind.”

  “Same difference,” Jack argued. “We both have an illness. I’m watching my sugar intake.” He chucked her under the chin. “Although that ethnic food I eat can’t be doing me any good.” He squeezed her shoulders. “But the main thing is that I’m doing everything in my power to keep myself regulated. You’re doing the same by taking these pills. So what’s the big deal?”

  Mel withdrew her hands from his and wrapped her arms around her middle. She moved to stand in front of the kitchen sink. She parted the flowery curtains and stared out the window. It was dark out. Nothing to see, but she continued to stare. Jack’s calm reaction wasn’t what she had expected. Didn’t he realize what kind of burden she could be if she suffered a relapse?

  Her shoulders drooped in defeat. “I feel so helpless having to depend on a pill. I feel like I should be strong enough to handle life on my own.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t want you to be saddled with someone who is emotionally unstable.”

  Suddenly, heat enveloped her like a cocoon. Jack slid his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against his chest. “Ah, sweetheart, you’re not unstable. As a matter of fact, you’re one of the stablist people I know.” He chuckled. The sound reverberated down Mel’s spine. It felt…wonderful. “I don’t even know if that’s a word. Look, depression is an illness that is treatable with the right meds. The problem is, so many people have it and won’t admit it. There’s help out there. All they have to do is ask for it.” He rained a series of light kisses on the side of her neck. “My mother went through a trial-and-error period before she got on the right medication to help her depression.”

  Mel spun in his arms. “Your mom suffers from depression?” She couldn’t believe it. All the worrying she had done about bringing a child into the world was for naught. Jack was fine. The doctor had told her that there was a chance any child she had would have been okay, but she had been so skeptical. However, Jack was proof of it.

  Jack nodded. “Years ago things were a lot different. No one talked openly about depression like they do now. Depression was considered taboo, but not anymore. It’s very common actually. It took Mom awhile until she was comfortable talking about it. Did you ever consider talking to someone? You know, about feeling this ashamed because you have to take a pill every day?”

  Mel balked at the thought. “You mean a shrink?”

  “Talking to a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad. What about the meetings local hospitals have now and then for anyone who suffers from alcohol dependence or other issues that might be troubling them?” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her close. “Mel, you have a way of reading people. You don’t just ring up people’s purchases and brush them aside. You talk to them, not at them. Their feelings matter to you. It’s hard to miss the way people respond to you. I swear the Grab ‘n’ Go is a hell of a lot busier now than it was before you started. You might just be able to help someone with the same illness because you suffer from it also.”

  Mel’s heart swelled at the thought of helping someone. But could she actually stand in front of people and bare all her fears?

  “I know your husband didn’t support you during your panic attacks. What about your depression?” Jack’s voice cut into Mel’s thoughts. She tried to pull away and escape to the other side of the small kitchen, but he held fast. “Answer me, Melanie.”

  She tightened her arms around his waist and hugged him close. “He told me to snap out of it.”

  Jack’s muscles tensed bene
ath her fingers, but he remained quiet. After a while he said, “That’s one of the worst things a person could tell someone who suffers from depression.”

  Jack pressed the side of her face to his chest. She listened to his heartbeat. The sound of his voice vibrated against her ear.

  “Depression isn’t something you can snap out of. Anyone who says otherwise needs a kick in the ass.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Honey, it’s possible your brain doesn’t have the right amount of chemicals. I’m sure your doctor told you that it’s not your fault.”

  Mel responded with a shaky sigh. Jack didn’t hold her depression against her. He didn’t look at her as if she were a mental case. “Mike would just tell me to take nerve pills whenever I felt my temper starting to boil,” she said between sniffles.

  Jack ran his hands up and down her back in a soothing manner. “Honey, if I had to take a pill whenever I felt like ripping someone’s head off, I’d be popping them like Tic Tacs. You couldn’t fathom how many times I wanted to pick Mrs. Garret up and throw her inside her car.”

  Mel giggled between hiccups. “You mean the old lady who wears the big, flowery printed dresses with stockings that are always bunched around her ankles? I think she has the hots for you.”

  “Never mind the wisecracks,” he warned mock-sternly. He took hold of her shoulders and set her away from him. “Now, you listen to me, young lady. You’ve won half the battle by seeking help as soon as you knew you had a problem.” Mel stiffened and Jack gave her a shake. “Mel, you did get help right away, didn’t you?”

  The intensity of Jack’s gaze bore straight into her soul. To think that she had contemplated suicide filled her with shame. “I didn’t at first. I thought the feelings of dread would go away.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Oh God, Jack, I was so scared.” She pressed her face once again to his chest and burst into tears. “Then when it didn’t get any better I-I wanted to take my own life. I honestly thought there was no other way out.”

  Jack’s hold relaxed and Mel seized the opportunity to step away. She had never told a soul about her suicidal thoughts. Not even Paul. Jack must think her crazy now or, at the very least, unbalanced. She was almost afraid to look at him. She didn’t want his pity.

  What she saw humbled her. Her knees began to shake. Tears were sliding down Jack’s tanned, roughened cheeks. She gently wiped them away. “Don’t cry for me, Jack. I’m okay. I only thought about it. God gave me life. I couldn’t throw that gift back in His face. That would be considered a sin, at least that’s my belief. I truly believe He had been with me in His own silent way. If not for the panic attack I might not have sought professional help.” She ran her thumb across his full bottom lip. “I guess every cloud has a silver lining. We just have to slow down in our busy lives to see it.” Mel related everything that had happened on her seventeenth wedding anniversary. She spoke of Mike’s obvious disgust, how he had convinced her that she would never get better.

  Jack pulled her into his arms once again. “Think about all you’ve accomplished.”

  Mel had thought about it. If someone would have told her she’d be driving again and working in a busy store she wouldn’t have believed it.

  He tipped her chin with his forefinger. She tried to wipe away her tears. “Don’t be afraid to cry. I have you to spoil for the rest of my life so get ready, Melanie Manning.” He cracked a smile. “As for working with the public, I guess you find yourself questioning that move sometimes.” Mel hiccupped and laughed. “Accepting how dear you are to me would again be an accomplishment, but accepting who you are to you would be the biggest accomplishment of all. Believe me when I say that I want to cry with you when you’re sad. I want to laugh with you in happy times, and you would do me the greatest honor of all by allowing me to be your rock on days you just feel like saying the hell with it. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll have me.”

  He sounded so sincere that Mel could almost see herself as his wife. “But what if I have another panic attack?”

  “What if you don’t?”

  She could only hope.

  “And if you do happen to suffer another panic attack, we’ll deal with it.”

  Mel wavered. Had she heard him correctly? “We?”

  Jack smiled. “Yes, we. Us. Together.” He pointed a finger at her and then to himself. “I love you, Mel. I want us to get married.”

  Mel refused to believe that her dream of a loving husband may very well be coming true. “I don’t understand. We’ve known each other for what—two weeks? I knew Mike for most of my life, yet how I felt about him comes nowhere near how I feel about you. I-I can honestly say that I trust you not to hurt me.” She laughed nervously. “I love you too. How can that be? How could a man I knew all my life be so wrong, and yet knowing you for such a short time be right? How can I trust these feelings and not make the same mistake?”

  Jack rubbed the back of his neck. He appeared to be just as confused. “Have you ever done something on a whim? Something that proved to be the best thing you ever did in your life?”

  She mulled over the question for a moment. The day she stopped at the Grab ‘n’ Go for gas and had inquired about the cashier job had been on the spur of the moment. That simple move had brought Jack into her life. Tears splashed down her face, but this time she didn’t wipe them away. Her throat hurt, but she didn’t care. It was a nice kind of hurt. She felt so light and carefree. She wanted to run barefoot outside and jump in the puddle of water that always pooled at the end of the driveway when it rained. Jack still wanted her—depression and all. And it was okay. It was okay.

  Mel took a deep breath only to blow it out in a loud whoosh. The weight of her secret may have been lifted from her shoulders, but what about the doubt that still niggled in the back of her mind? Was she emotionally strong enough to be a state trooper’s wife? Could she remain calm knowing that every time Jack left to go to work someone out there could end his life in a heartbeat?

  Jack walked over to the table to retrieve his gun and belt. “Think about what I said. I’ll stand by your side whatever you decide to do.” He buckled his belt and carefully placed the gun in his holster. “We’re short on guys so I have to pull a double. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He strode over to her and kissed her full on the mouth. “And don’t you even think about doubting me or I’ll turn you over my knee.”

  Her cheeks burned as she recalled the spanking he had given her earlier. Who would have thought the night would have ended with a marriage proposal?

  He tapped her on the nose with his forefinger. “Honey, just remember one thing. These changes you made in your life were accomplished on your own. You tackled the fear of driving when it would have been a hell of a lot easier to depend on someone else. You could have packed up and moved to Florida with your brother, but you chose the harder road to recovery. I’ll be eternally grateful for that stubborn nature of yours. Only you picked up all the pieces after your husband died. If my life was to end tonight you possess the strength to go on.” He kissed her again. “I love you, Mel. You don’t have to do this alone. I won’t let you down. Your happiness is, and always will be, my first priority.” Jack made his way to the door, stopped, and turned around. “I can’t guarantee you tomorrow, only today. I can’t order you to believe in me. That’s something you have to do on your own. What I can do is show how much I love you each and every day we’re together. Besides, how do I know you won’t leave me if my diabetes should happen to take a turn for the worse?”

  Chapter 12

  Jack eased the cruiser to the side of the road and studied the abandoned car a few feet ahead. He ran the plates and discovered the car was stolen. He grasped the door handle, but the hairs on the back of his neck bristled. He’d better call for back-up. He reached for the radio. The last time he reported in Jim was roaming around not far from where he was right now.

  “Hey, bro, I’m on Interstate Seventy-Eight, about five miles east of the barracks.”

>   Jim’s deep voice crackled into his ear. “Right. Hey, is Mel okay? Does she need some consoling? Perhaps a shoulder to cry on?” The dry chuckle that followed had Jack grinding his teeth.

  “She’s just fine, Shadow. There’s no need for you to stop by and console her.” If swearing was allowed over the air Jack would have cheerfully told Jim to take his idea of consoling Mel and go fuck himself with it. “Look, there’s an abandoned car just ahead. It’s stolen.”

  “No shit.”

  “Don’t get smart. How long will it take for you to get here?”

  “ETA in ten minutes. And don’t go playing hero and check it out yourself.”

  “I hear you.” Jack shook his head. Funny how Jim could change from joking to serious in one breath.

  Jack rolled down the window and thought about all the heartache Mel had endured at the hands of her husband. As far as he knew Mike hadn’t beaten her physically, but his words had damaged her self-esteem pretty badly. Jack hoped the hidden scars she carried would heal in time. He remembered the wretched expression on her face after she had revealed her thoughts of suicide. He couldn’t wait until this night was over. He needed to get back to Mel and hold her. He needed to know that she was okay.

  Another five minutes passed. Jim should have been there by now. Where the hell was he? Jack reached for the radio then stilled his movements when he heard a soft cry. Was it possible there was a baby left in the car or was it a trap? He heard the cry again, and against his better judgment, he leapt from the cruiser. A gunshot sounded and everything went black.

  * * * *

  Mel lay in bed wide awake. She couldn’t come up with one good reason why she shouldn’t marry Jack. She loved him. It seemed crazy and so sudden like, but she couldn’t deny it. Her panic attack and depression didn’t bother him as it had Mike. No longer would she dwell on Mike’s cruelty. The past four years had been a long, dark, lonely road. She’d close that chapter of her life and begin a new one with Jack. She would treasure every day she had with him. No doubt they’d have their fair share of arguments, but she wouldn’t be afraid to speak her mind. Mel’s heart swelled inside her chest. Maybe she could have Jack’s baby. There could be a good chance that their baby wouldn’t suffer from depression.