Nameless

by Claire Kent

  As they were leaving the restaurant at last, Liz said, “Call me as soon as you know anything. And, if you need me to rip anyone apart for you—Seth, that woman, Mary Carlyle, anyone—just let me know.”

  ***

  Erin called Seth as soon as she got back to her apartment with Mackenzie, asking him if he had any time this evening because something had happened and she needed to talk to him about it.

  Before she could follow up or explain what the issue was, he said, “I’ll be right over,” and then he hung up the phone.

  Erin blinked for a minute at her phone, rather startled by his abrupt response. Then she shrugged and tried not to brood about it as she nursed Mackenzie and started getting her ready for bed.

  It was a little earlier than Mackenzie's usual bedtime, but it would be easier to hash things out with Seth if the baby wasn’t present and demanding attention.

  Erin had just changed her diaper and was snapping a soft, blue sleeper on when there was a loud, insistent knock on the door.

  Lifting a drowsy Mackenzie into her arms, Erin hurried to the front door to let Seth in.

  “What is it?” he demanded, as soon as she’d swung the door open. He was dressed in eveningwear—tailored black suit, with a gray dress shirt and tie. “Is everything all right?”

  Despite the anxiety churning in her gut, Erin rolled her eyes at him. “Yes. Which you'd know if you had let me explain on the phone. It wasn’t an emergency. You didn’t have to rush over here and miss your...your dinner.” She swallowed, having a horrifying vision of Seth’s having dressed up like this to go on a date with someone else. “Or whatever.”

  Seth’s face relaxed immediately, now that the crisis was averted, and he arched his eyebrows. “Last time you called me up out of the blue and asked me to come over, you wanted me to...” He slanted a quick glance down at Mackenzie’s rosy face, which was blinking up at him, “…to satisfy you.”

  Erin, of course, knew exactly what he meant.

  He smiled dangerously. “Is that what it is again?”

  Surely, Erin told herself, he couldn’t have fucked another woman last night and flirt with her so warmly today. Surely, even as smooth a player as Seth wouldn’t do such a thing.

  Not after what they’d been through together.

  She cleared her throat and stepped out of the doorway to let him into the apartment. “No. That’s not what this is about.”

  “Too bad.” He reached out for Mackenzie as he entered.

  Erin handed the baby to him without hesitation and then watched Seth and their daughter. He looked so handsome and sophisticated in his expensive formal clothes, and Mackenzie was soft and squirming in her blue pajamas, her red-gold hair ruffled and messy.

  Seth pulled the baby toward him and murmured something Erin almost didn’t hear. Something that sounded like, “What is your mommy thinking—putting you in little boy’s clothes?”

  For the moment forgetting the main issue at hand, Erin made an outraged noise in her throat. “They are not boy’s clothes. Girls can wear blue too. She looks pretty in blue.”

  His expression remained cool and dry, but she knew he was teasing. “They’re definitely boy’s pajamas,” he insisted, letting Mackenzie play with the lapels of his jacket. “But at least they match her eyes.”

  “Don’t you dare rile her up,” Erin said grumpily, when Seth lifted the baby higher, making her giggle. “She was just going to bed. She’s been kind of fussy all day, and she hasn’t slept much. I’ve finally gotten her ready to go to sleep.”

  Seth nodded with a resigned sigh. Gave Mackenzie a kiss on the forehead and then handed her back to Erin. “What did you want to talk about then, if it wasn’t an emergency or a, uh, request for satisfaction?”

  “Let me put her down first,” Erin said, taking Mackenzie into the nursery, settling her in the crib, turning off the light, and cracking the door.

  When she came back into the living room, Seth was sitting on the sofa, looking up at her expectantly.

  All of her suppressed fear and confusion came bubbling back up to the surface of her conscious thoughts. She swallowed hard. Lowered herself until she was perched stiffly on the very edge of the sofa cushion beside Seth. Took a deep breath and reminded herself that Seth wouldn’t have done what it looked like he’d done.

  And that, even if he had, it wasn’t the end of the world.

  “Erin?” Seth prompted softly, his eyes narrowed as he watched her face intently.

  “Liz got sent a link from Mary Carlyle’s blog,” Erin began resolutely, trying to remember the speech she'd composed earlier.

  “What now?”

  “She posted a photo.”

  Seth tensed slightly. “Of what?”

  She could read Seth’s body language by now—no matter how subtle it was. And it seemed to Erin that he was preparing for something he already knew was coming. The knowledge made her heart sink down toward her gut. “Of you. And that woman who works for the mayor. Karla Hart.”

  When Erin darted a look over at Seth’s expression, she saw that his face had closed down. Shutting her out completely. “And what were we doing in the picture?”

  Erin felt like she couldn’t really breathe. Seth's reaction seemed to be all wrong. She’d been hoping for an immediate, outraged denial. Not this controlled renewal of his emotional defenses.

  But, holding it together until she heard what he had to say, she replied, “You two were in a hallway of a hotel or something. And you looked...intimate.” Not even an eyelid flickered on Seth’s face, although his jaw appeared to be clenched. Sucking in a painful breath, she added, “Mary Carlyle implied you were moving on.”

  Erin waited. Several seconds. Which felt like an agonizing eternity.

  When Seth didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything but stare at the opposite wall, Erin rushed on, “I was sure it wasn’t true. I mean, I don’t believe you would have done that, after we’d...I mean, after...everything.”

  Her incoherent words hung in the silent room for far too long. Then Seth stared at her, as if his eyes were piercing her, exposing her.

  Erin was holding her breath as she waited—for his response, for a reasonable explanation, for some way to put this potential nightmare to rest.

  She didn’t get it.

  “You should tell Liz not to antagonize people who may end up writing tabloids. It will never end well.”

  “Is that all you have to say about it?”

  Seth met her eyes. “What do you mean?”

  She stifled a roar of indignation—mostly because she didn’t want to wake up Mackenzie. “Aren’t you going to explain things to me? I was sure the picture was taken out of context or something because I couldn’t believe you would have done this, after everything that’s happened between us. I mean, if you wanted to move on, that would be fine, but I was sure you’d at least tell me and not do it behind my back.” She gulped, realizing she was babbling again. “But now you’re confusing me by acting this way. Did you sleep with that woman or not?”

  “Would it matter to you if I had?”

  Erin tried to answer but couldn’t force any words out.

  Finally, she burst out, “Yes! Of course it would." Once the first words were said, the rest came pouring out in an impassioned stream. "I know we don’t have a commitment, but we’ve been in some kind of relationship here, and it’s been getting more and more serious recently. I trust you...almost completely.” She rubbed her face and tried to pull herself together. “If you’d done this behind my back, after we’d just made love a couple of days ago and shared everything else we'd shared, I would feel betrayed...and really, really hurt.”

  Seth’s eyes were narrowed again, and he was peering intently, almost coolly, at her face. “Is that all?”

  “What do you mean, is that all? Why are you acting this way? Why won't you answer me? Did you fuck that woman or not?”

  He just looked at her, his eyebrows arched in an ironic question.

 
Erin’s vision darkened for a moment, as she was overwhelmed with recognition. He wasn’t going to admit it, but she knew, she knew. There was no other reason for him to act this way.

  She stood up and walked to the window. Squeezed her eyes shut and breathed deeply, summoning all of her will to keep herself under control.

  This had always been a possibility. It just hadn’t been one she’d believed would actually happen.

  She'd thought that, with Seth, things could be different. That life might not always disappoint her.

  She’d trusted him.

  But this was what happened when you trusted someone who was flawed, weak, human.

  Trusting someone always had the potential to tear your heart out.

  “So you did,” she mumbled at last.

  “Erin,” Seth said. He must have gotten up because he put his hand on her shoulder.

  She jerked away from him, almost violently.

  “Erin, you’ve told me over and over again that you don’t love me.”

  “I know,” she admitted, pleased that her voice was coherent, if not really natural. “I know I told you that. But it felt like there was still something between us. I hadn’t expected you to...to...”

  “To what?”

  Erin, feeling like she was close enough to control to face him again, turned around. “To do this. I thought you would have at least told me first. But it’s fine. It’s fine.”

  Seth’s eyes never left her face. “It doesn’t look like it’s fine. It looks like it’s...“

  Devastating.

  “…a problem,” Seth concluded.

  “Of course it’s a problem! I know we’ve never made a commitment, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like…like we’re together. Wouldn’t you be hurt and betrayed if I had fucked some random other man and then kept it hidden like a guilty secret?”

  “Of course. But you don’t feel for me what I feel for you.”

  The words struck her like a blow.

  “You’ve always said you don’t love me.” His expression might as well have been chiseled out of marble. “Right?”

  “No!” Erin burst out, wanting to claw some sort of emotion onto his face. “Yes! I don’t know.” She was about to lose it again, so she made herself stop. “I would understand if you wanted to move on—I wouldn’t be happy, but I would understand. But to do it like this. To try to keep it a secret. And so soon after Saturday night, which…which meant something to me—”

  “It meant something to me too,” Seth said quietly, as controlled as she was uncontrolled.

  It was all starting to make sense. Horrible, heartbreaking sense.

  Seth had made himself too vulnerable with her that night. He'd lost too much control. Exposed himself too much. Which meant he would want to seek power and independence by distancing himself from her afterwards.

  And what better way than to fuck someone else.

  He was Seth Thomas—could never be anyone else. And his solitary, controlled nature might prove stronger than the parts of himself he was learning to cultivate with her and Mackenzie.

  “Right,” she said bitterly, stifling a flood of tears. “It meant so much that you went out the next day and fucked some other woman. How moving.”

  Seth sighed, and something on his face changed. “Erin,” he began, reaching out to cup her cheek with his hand.

  Erin yanked his hand away from her, hating the feel of its warmth and strength against her cheek. “What exactly do you expect to happen now? If you were hoping to push me into something with this, then you’re woefully mistaken. You’re a free man, and you can do what you want. I know you didn't do this on purpose to hurt me, and I guess I can understand why you did it at all. But there’s no way I can continue the way we were after this. I’m not saying we can’t be friends and partners with Mackenzie, but things are going to be different from now on. I can't have sex with you, if you're fucking someone else.”

  “Erin,” Seth said again, his voice making it sound as if he were trying to get her attention.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t be so affected by this. I know you’ve been waiting a long time and haven’t gotten anything to show for it. But that was always your choice.” Her anger was starting to fade now, and she was on the verge of breaking into the tears that had been lingering from the beginning. “I trusted you.”

  “Erin,” Seth said one more time, taking her face in both of his hands. Before she could pull away again, he held her gaze deeply with his. “I didn’t have sex with Karla last night.”

  Erin thought for a moment that she might actually be sick. The whole world was spinning chaotically around her. “What?” she whispered helplessly.

  “I didn’t have sex with her last night,” he repeated, his hands firm against her face. “You were right. I couldn’t have done that after what happened between us on Saturday night. I couldn't have done that at all—feeling the way I feel about you. Your faith in me wasn’t misplaced.”

  “But…you said...”

  “I never said anything. You just assumed I’d done it.” He shook his head slowly. “I did date her briefly a year and a half ago, but I haven’t even seen her in months. That picture must be old. That woman is trying to make a story out of nothing for her blog. That’s what she does.”

  “But...but...you didn’t deny it. You let me think...” A flood of recognition slammed into her. “You bastard! You knew all this time what I thought. And you let me think—”

  “You were already thinking it. I didn’t have to say a word.”

  She was almost sobbing with relief, and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. “Oh, baby, I can’t believe you really thought I would do something like that,” he said hoarsely. “Don’t you know me at all?”

  “I didn’t think you would. But then…then… You could have let me know right away.” She spoke wetly, into his jacket.

  His arms tightened around her. “I know. I’m sorry. I was desperate.”

  Her mind was too befuddled to sort out what exactly he meant by that. She just relished the release of all the trauma, relished the feel of Seth’s warm, firm body against hers, the feel of his arms surrounding her.

  The assurance that he hadn't fucked that other woman.

  The certainty that he was still hers.

  Her storm of emotions didn’t last very long, so soon she was able to pull herself away from him. “That was an unexpected emotional ordeal that I wasn’t remotely prepared for, but at least it didn’t last very long.”

  Seth cleared his throat. “I’m not sure I’m ready to put this behind us yet.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Something new entered Seth’s eyes—smoldering beneath the blue depths. It wasn’t lust, but it was just as hot, intense, and exhilarating. “I’d like to talk a little more about how you reacted just now.”

  Erin gulped. “You would?”

  He nodded, an intimate smile flickering on his lips. “Tell me again exactly why I should believe you don’t love me.”

  “What?”

  “Think about how you reacted just now. How you felt and why you felt that way. And then tell me you don’t love me.”

  “Seth—”

  “I’m serious. Think about it.”

  She rolled her eyes, since he sounded a little bossy, but she made herself think back over how she’d felt, the horrible intensity of it.

  Then she thought about what all those feelings might imply.

  Then thought about how she’d felt when she believed he’d given himself to another woman.

  Then thought about the last week, the last month, the last year, all of the days since Mac’s funeral.

  For so long, she’d been convinced that she was completely free—that nothing and no one could control her. Her strongholds had kept her safe.

  But something was controlling her after all.

  “Damn it,” she gritted out, genuinely annoyed by this unexpected turn of events. “When did that happen?”


  To her surprise, Seth threw his head back and laughed, and he was still laughing when he pulled her back into his arms.

  She had no idea what to do, what to say, what to feel—so she just hugged him back.

  At least it was mutual.

  He was hers, as much as she was his.

  But, as she reveled in his desperate grip, she experienced a sudden flare of panic.

  She’d thought she loved Marcus too, and she’d given up everything for that love. Her career. Her independence. Her sense of self.

  She couldn’t—she just couldn’t—give up all of that again.

  And Seth had just manipulated her, a little, by letting her believe for several minutes that he’d slept with someone else.

  He was the same man he’d always been, and loving him would never be perfectly safe.

  Her strongholds might not be able to survive.

  Her mouth went dry, and she wanted to pull away from his clutching hold, but she just wasn’t willing to hurt him like that.

  Trying desperately to reconcile so many conflicting feelings, she forced herself not to panic.

  She and Seth had made it through everything else they’d faced. They would be all right in this too.

  She did love him—if only she could do it without giving everything else up.

  A few minutes later, when Seth finally released her, they moved to the couch.

  Erin thought she’d pulled it together enough to talk coherently. “I don’t want you to get too excited,” she said, trying very hard to be honest and reasonable both.

  Seth looked flabbergasted. “Why shouldn’t I be excited? Do you have any idea how long I’ve been wait—”

  “I know. I know. And I guess I really do love you, even though I don’t know exactly how it happened.” She felt blurry and happy and terrified—all at the same time. “But it doesn’t change everything. I’m not ready to jump into anything…anything permanent. This is still really new to me, and I don’t want to rush things.”

  “We don’t have to rush anything.”

  She studied his face closely, saw nothing but a fire of passion that might burn her alive. She wondered if that fire had always been present. Or if she’d just finally come to know him well enough to recognize it for what it was.