Unsuitable

by Ainslie Paton

  “I hope this is good news, if unexpected. There are no complications from the meningitis and you’re otherwise healthy. I can recommend you to a gynaecologist if you don’t have your own. But there is something else. Do twins run in your family? You tested high for hCG, human chorionic gonadotropin, which is often an indicator of twins, but it’s not strong enough on its own to tell us anything conclusive. But along with the excessive fatigue, it’s worth considering. It’s a little soon for an ultrasound and it may not be conclusive, but it can’t hurt.”

  Twins. Twins. Two babies. At the same time. Impossible.

  That was why she was exhausted. Why her body felt as if it belonged to someone else. If she’d thought one baby would change everything two was going to—

  “Audrey, are you okay?” Dr Barber put a glass of water in front of her. “This is a shock, I am sorry. It’s quite a miracle pregnancy given you weren’t ovulating. It may, of course, not be twins.”

  “The baby’s father has twin sisters.”

  “Hmm well, then, hmm, it’s not my area of expertise. Try to get that ultrasound next week. It’s early but you might get lucky.”

  Lucky. Is this what lucky felt like? This was as far removed a feeling from winning the lottery as Audrey could fathom. She supposed she felt stunned, because she didn’t feel anything else; not panic, certainly not excitement, just tired and concerned this blanket of exhaustion would go on forever. She’d get as big as a watermelon, as the back of a bus and she’d have no energy to drag herself around.

  She paid for her appointment, made a new one with her gynaecologist and drove to work. She would’ve taken a nap in the car but she had deadlines waiting. She took a long conference call, proofed a proposal, and attended two meetings, one annoyingly unnecessary, and the other brain numbingly long. She could barely keep her eyes open and her feet moving. She tried not to think about the baby, or the possibility there was more than one. She was fifteen weeks pregnant. She had twenty-eight weeks to get used to the idea, maybe less. This was her new reality and all she wanted to do was lie down behind her desk and not get up for the rest of the year.

  She already couldn’t do this alone, and if it was twins, she wasn’t going to make it.

  “Aud, hey, oh God. Wow, are you all right? You look dreadful?”

  She blinked at Les standing in the doorway of her office. She couldn’t talk to Merrill about this. There was no point doing anything other than informing her parents. Barrett was in Africa. He’d come back if she asked him too, but these were another man’s babies.

  Babies. Plural. She was already thinking about them as two.

  “Close the door.”

  “If you’re sick again I should be calling an ambulance.”

  “I’m not sick.”

  Les closed the door. “You’ve seen a ghost then. Oh heck, what have you found under the photocopier? Don’t tell me they’re cleaning out legal and I don’t know about it.” She sat with exaggerated heft. “You know what, doesn’t matter. I’m in love and I’m loved by the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, and there are other jobs. Hit me with it.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Les stood. She walked around the chair and sat down again, like a cat trying to settle. “And you don’t want to be.”

  “I don’t want to be.” But was that still true? “I didn’t.” She shook her head. She wouldn’t mention the twins until she knew for sure. She was confusing Les. “It’s a shock.” She’d gone from wanting to avoid this any way possible, to resolved to having the baby and back around to stunned by the idea of twins. Her head was in a worse place than when she had meningitis.

  “Aud, what can I do?”

  She could hug Les. “I needed to tell someone.”

  “You need to tell him. No matter what you decide to do, Reece needs to be part of it.”

  She closed her eyes and her lids were so heavy she felt their weight in her chest.

  “Oh Audrey, why aren’t you trying to get him back? That man is pining for you and it’s hard to watch. He thinks he ruined it. He thinks he made you frightened and if you really think he’s not up to being with you and Mia, being a father to this baby, then I’ll shut my big gob, but if this is just pride, get the hell over yourself and go get him.”

  She spread her hands in appeal. “How can I do that now? He didn’t ask for this.”

  “You didn’t make a baby on your own.”

  “It was an accident.” Though Merrill would call it a wonder. “And I know how to raise one on my own.” One, not one plus one, plus Mia. Dear God.

  Les plucked at the arm of the chair. “Well, now you are being selfish. Never thought you were by having Marvellous. I might’ve followed your example if things hadn’t turned out for me, like I think they might. But if you have this baby without Reece being involved, I think that’s it for us. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

  She rested her head on her hand, elbow on the desk. She was too tired to be hurt by Les’ words. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t involve him. I haven’t shut Barrett out of Mia’s life. I won’t shut Reece out, but it’ll be formalised. I won’t expect anything from him and I’ll know where I stand.”

  “He never let you down. He is not your father. And you’re going to punish him all over again.”

  “I’m going to organise things so they’re best for everyone.”

  “This is not work, Aud, it’s life. It gets messy. It doesn’t run on a project plan.”

  “It runs best that way—fewer surprises.”

  Until one shows up at your door, a man with a woman’s name, who challenged your very idea of gender roles, when that shouldn’t have been possible, a giant with a ballerina’s grace and the heart of a whole football team.

  “Thank God for surprises because I would never have found Polly.”

  “I’m happy for you.”

  “No you’re not. You’re being a miserable bitch. What is wrong with you?”

  Audrey stood, using the desk to heave herself up as though she was already toting that watermelon. She had no energy to make Les understand.

  “I’m sorry you don’t approve, but I’m doing the best I can. I’ve just got this job. You can imagine how much harder it’s going to be to hold on to it when I have to take leave again.” How much leave did you need to take for twins? Would Cameron sign up for a new baby, for two?

  Les stayed seated, stubbornly unmoved. “I’m not writing an agreement with Reece up for you. I can’t stand to see you throw your relationship with him away.”

  “He is twenty-seven years old. I would be trapping him with a family, another man’s child.”

  “How do you not get that man has, ‘trap me, Audrey’, written all over him.”

  “It would be wrong.”

  “Sit down. We’ll work it out. It the most right thing I’ve seen.”

  Audrey sat with a thump. She put her hand over her mouth. She couldn’t do this without help. She couldn’t do this without Reece. She didn’t want to be without his love. But if she went to him now he’d think she only wanted him as a carer not a lover, as a father not as her heart’s desire.

  “Oh my God. I don’t know how to get him back.”

  Les deflated into the chair. “You hurt him. But he’s not going to reject you.”

  “But if he only takes me back because there’s a baby, that’s not going to work.”

  “Worry about that when you know it’s an issue.”

  “How can it not be an issue already? Is he still at Polly’s? I could go to him now. I need to grovel so hard. I need to give him the chance to decide what to do.”

  “He’s still at Polly’s but they’re on a job, some country estate Pollidore’s are building, he won’t be home till the end of next week. Polly drives to the top of some mountain every night to call me because they’re out of phone coverage range. He’ll wait, Audrey. This is not news for the phone.”

  Les was right. And by the time Reece was back, she’d know more, she’
d have a chance to put her pitch to him together.

  It’d be the pitch of her life.

  She made it through the rest of the week without falling asleep in front of anyone. She was calmer, after her meltdown with Les, though she had no reason to feel that way. All the certainty she’d strived to build around her had turned to cloud and burned away in the bright sunlight of happenstance.

  She didn’t know if she was having one baby or two, if she could get Reece’s love back, if he’d want her for family. She didn’t know how Mia would manage siblings, how Barrett would react. How to break this news to Merrill or whether this would deliver the fatal heart attack her father had been courting with his anger issues for years. She didn’t know if Cameron would stay. She didn’t know how best to manage this pregnancy and keep her commitment to work through the absence it would require.

  Her boss, Jonathan came back from sabbatical and promptly quit. He was moving to a monastery in Nepal. Her probation in the new role came to an unscheduled end and Chris wanted to see her. He had to get in line, she had an appointment with her gynaecologist the same day.

  Doc Ling confirmed what Doc Barber and the internet hinted at. Extreme fatigue was normal for twins and it might not pass. She should expect a very different pregnancy to Mia’s and she might need bed rest prior the birth. They could plan more when they knew for sure after the ultrasound. More complexity, more unknowns should’ve rocked her, but sometime between her argument with Les and approaching date of Reece’s return, she’d changed.

  Instead of being weary and worried, eaten up with denial and indecision she was excited. Not jump all over the place, make a noise like Mia, but quietly humming with the thrill and joy of it.

  It had started as tiny spot of warmth and light inside the core of her body when she let herself wonder what the new babies might look like, if they’d have Reece’s jade green eyes, if they’d have his nature, what sex they’d be. And it grew, fanned out and flamed inside her as authentic happiness and delight.

  She didn’t need to be frightened of this. She was entirely capable of doing this, with or without Reece, and she didn’t let herself think about without.

  She would have a family made with her own determination and the DNA of men she’d loved. It was more than she’d thought she could manage at first and it might’ve been purely chemical, a hormonal sleight of hand, but she wanted it, all of it, with every breath she took, and she’d fight for it with every wit she had.

  She sat outside Chris’ office waiting for him to call her in. The battle of wits would start here and finish when she had Reece back in her life.

  He poked his head out and called her in. “Good to see you.” He waved at his lounge and she took a seat gratefully. He looked tired, greyer around the hairline. “I want you on a special project.”

  Not what she’d expected. She’d figured she’d end up with more of Jonathon’s responsibilities on a permanent basis. Chris outlined the project, a partnership with the Chinese Government. She’d need to be in Shanghai for weeks at a time.

  Sixteen weeks ago she’d have given blood to be on that project team, and success would have set her career up for bigger things.

  “Yes or no, Audrey.” It’s what Chris would’ve said to any of his senior leaders, male, female, single, or married with kids. He accorded her the same respect. “I need to know at the end of next week. Your current job holds if you decide you don’t want the project leader role.”

  Sixteen weeks ago, she’d have been renewing her passport. She looked out Chris’ glass wall at the city. Her timing was lousy, but she couldn’t find a place inside her for disappointment.

  “I can tell you now.”

  He sat forward. “Good. I’m excited to have you aboard.”

  “Oh, Chris, I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

  He frowned. “How can we help you manage it?”

  She frowned back at him. “I don’t understand the question. It’s not something you can do. My circumstances make it impossible.”

  “Yes, there is. Mia’s not in school yet, she can travel with you. We’ll provide a full-time nanny or accommodate yours with help at the other end in Shanghai.”

  Audrey laughed. Sixteen weeks ago, this would’ve been a kind of miracle. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because we need to run this company by appropriately resourcing the best talent there is. If the best talent happens to be a single mum then we need give her the right support to do her job.”

  “I’m pregnant.” Blurting it out was becoming a habit.

  “Oh.” He sat back, frowning again. “Congratulations.”

  She beamed. It was the first time anyone had said that and it fanned the flame of joy inside her, despite the bittersweet lick of it.

  “That simply means we need to think more laterally about how we do this.”

  “Are you saying you’re still considering me for the role? I’ll need leave.”

  “That makes it tricky, but it’s a five year partnership, team needs will change over time. We can work it out.”

  “Chris, it’s likely I’m having twins.”

  He rocketed forward, his knee colliding with the coffee table. “Holy shit.” He straightened the magazine stack he’d upset. “I beg your pardon. I mean how exciting.”

  She laughed. “No, you were right the first time.”

  “Audrey, that’s amazing.”

  “My timing is appalling. This is unexpected. I’m so sorry to let you down.”

  “You’re not resigning are you?”

  “No, but if it’s twins, it’s going to be difficult physically and—” She cut herself off, she didn’t know what came after and.

  “If you’re game I am.”

  Her turn to sit forward. “What are you saying?”

  “Before you got sick you reamed me out for discriminating against you.” She felt her face colour. “You were right. I’ve been working with HR to overhaul our approach to talent management. I would’ve kept on doing things the old way had you not stuck your voodoo pins in me. I need you, Audrey, whether you have one kid or ten, and I want you to work with us to ensure we get to keep you whatever it takes.”

  “You’re serious.”

  “Does that mean you’ll say yes?” He tapped a package on the table. It would be the project briefing.

  “I might need to be on bed rest.”

  He shrugged. “So you need to be on bed rest. We’ll work out how to manage when you can’t be at work and how to support you best when you can. I want this to happen. My sciatica can’t take the rusty pins any longer and the shareholders have no tolerance for second best.”

  Audrey had no recollection of getting to her office. But she had a coffee mug in her hand so she’d detoured by the kitchen. She floated through the rest of the day, tired, elated, amazed.

  When the lab called to offer her a cancellation appointment for her ultrasound she took it. She took a slight early mark too, going home from there instead of back to the office. Heck, it was Friday and she had a lot to think about, and she was too distracted to do any work anyway.

  She also had a houseful of unexpected guests.

  Cameron met her in the hallway and gave her an amused shrug. “We have visitors.”

  All four of Reece’s sisters. The twins were in the lounge room playing with Mia. Audrey watched them a moment. Both blonde and blue eyed but otherwise they were different, Gin was waif-like, delicate, and Neev was robust and sporty. Would her twins be like that, alike but distinct individuals? She could hardly bear the wait to find out.

  Etta and Flip were in the kitchen, she could hear their voices.

  “They wanted to wait for you,” said Cameron. “Apparently it’s important. I’m not sure if we should be afraid.”

  Audrey was instantly chilled. She moved through to the kitchen and focused on Etta. “Is everything okay with Reece?”

  Flip answered. “Oh, yeah. He’ll be back tomorrow.” Her nonchalance almost made Audrey giggle. S
he sat down hard at the kitchen table and ditched her shoes.

  “I’ll, ah,” Cameron pointed over her shoulder. She stepped out of the room backwards.

  It occurred to Audrey they’d come to ask about babysitting. Cameron had given them fruit to eat. She didn’t suppose they drank tea. “Can I get you girls anything?”

  “We only need a few minutes,” said Etta. “Sorry for bouncing on you like this.”

  “It’s important,” said Flip.

  “I’ll just say it then,” said Etta. She was nervous where Flip was oblivious. If this wasn’t about sitting for Mia, she had no idea where this was going. “We think you should get back with Reece.”

  “Get back?”

  “Together you know. Hook up,” said Flip.

  Etta turned on her. “Not hook up. That’s only temporary. I said let me talk.”

  Flip was undaunted. “This was my idea.”

  From the doorway Neeva said, “He’s our brother too.”

  That flame inside Audrey flared and flickered and burned brighter, hotter. This was Reece’s family come to claim her, even as they were deeply unimpressed with her.

  “Why did you break up with him?” said Gin. She stepped around Neeva to come into the room.

  “It wasn’t my best decision.”

  “That’s not a reason,” said Gin. They were standing and she was surrounded by their indignation and their love for Reece.

  She owed them honesty. “I was scared.”

  Gin pulled out a kitchen chair and sat. “That’s what Reece said. You had a bad family life and you didn’t trust him.”

  That was either a gross simplification or the key that fit. “I—”

  “Did he get it wrong?” said Neeva. She stayed by the door. She was the angriest. Did it mean she loved Reece most?

  Audrey shook her head. “No.”

  “We came to tell you why you can trust him,” Neeva said.

  “I see.” She barely got those words out. She’d faced easier negotiations with suppliers who had billions of dollars riding on an outcome.

  “We don’t really remember our dad,” said Etta.