Unsuitable

by Ainslie Paton

  “I never met him how could I remember,” said Flip.

  Etta shoved her. “Shut it.”

  Gin took it up. “Reece was our dad at the same time as he was our brother.”

  “He’s a really good brother.” Flip took a step away from Etta. “Don’t look at me like that—he is.”

  Etta turned from Flip to look at Audrey again. “What we’re saying is he knows how to be responsible and he knows about doing parent things.”

  “He taught me how to manage my asthma,” said Gin.

  “He taught me how to deal with bullies,” said Neeva.

  Audrey was overwhelmed by them, their passion and their care. “Oh please, stop.”

  “He never tells lies about stuff. Even if it makes him uncomfortable, like sluts and wet dreams,” said Flip. She glared at Etta, Neeva and Gin in turn. “Everyone else lies to me.”

  “You don’t need to say anymore.” It was enough and it was working a hole in her senses and filling it with a mixture of regret for time lost and hope for a life to be gained.

  “He’s sorry about what he was like when he was fighting, you know the illegal stuff, but if he hadn’t known how to do that, you might’ve been hurt,” said Etta.

  “Please girls, no more.”

  Neeva fair stomped to the table, pulled out the chair directly opposite Audrey and sat. “It was pretty evil what you did to him. He looks dead tough, you know like nothing could smash him, but he’s got a sloppy heart, so like, if you’re figuring on hurting him again it would be better if you made a different plan. And he doesn’t know we’re here.”

  “He’d die,” said Gin.

  “We won’t be telling him,” Neeva finished.

  Audrey didn’t see Mia; she felt her tug on her jacket sleeve. She couldn’t take her eyes off Neeva.

  “Why is everyone mad, Mum?”

  “No one is mad, Mia.”

  Neeva was magnificent. Gin was a sweetheart. Flip was fun and Etta was like Audrey remembered being at sixteen, half cross at the word and half ready to take it on. She pulled Mia on to her lap. How long till it was too difficult to do that, till she had no lap to offer? She thought about what Reece might say.

  “No one is mad, Mia. But everyone is upset because I made Reece go away.”

  Mia patted her face. “Yes, you did. That was bad.”

  “And you want him to come back, don’t you?”

  Pat, pat. “Yes, I do.”

  “I need to tell him how sorry I am for being scared.” And that by itself was a frightening proposition.

  “Monsters aren’t real, Mum. Reece made them all go away.”

  The only monsters were in Audrey’s head and in the actions she took when she sent Reece away.

  “Maybe Reece won’t want you back,” said Etta. “He’s a hunk, you know. He’s got options. He doesn’t exactly need you.”

  Audrey met Etta’s eyes, via Neeva’s, Gin’s and Flip’s. “I’ll have to try hard to convince him that Mia and I love him as much as you do.”

  “Please try hard, Audrey,” said Gin.

  “Try hard, Mum.”

  Leaning on the doorjamb, Cameron nodded. “If I have to lose my job, I’m okay if it’s to Reece. Someone deserves a happy ending.”

  The part about not crying anymore was getting harder and harder to stick with. Audrey didn’t know what to do with the swell of emotion sloshing around inside her. She hugged Mia and tried to hold it together while the seven of them made a plan. All that was left was for Reece to come back and Audrey to convince him to come home to her.

  Building highways in China would be easier.

  If she played it right, this was the last plan she was going to make without Reece in her life.

  It started with a phone call the next day. She thought about the last call she’d made to him, how she’d cut the conversation short when his anger bled down the connection and how she’d pretended it was better that way. She dialled and the call answered.

  “Hello.”

  A woman’s voice. Not one of the girls. His mum? Her pulse leapt. This could all be too late. “I’m looking for Reece.” She had the right number it was plugged into her phone’s directory.

  “This is Sky. Reece left his phone at my place.”

  Oh. God. “Sky.”

  “Who is this?”

  “My name is Audrey. I was—”

  “I know who you are.”

  Audrey held the phone away from her ear a moment. No matter if Reece was on again with Sky, she needed to talk to him. “Do you know where he was going?”

  “I do, but it’s none of your business.”

  “Are you guys back together?” She hadn’t meant to say that. She could very well be Etta making this call.

  “That’s certainly none of your business.”

  Etta might know what to do next. “It’s not. I’m sorry to bother you. But I need to talk to him.”

  There was silence, then a groan. “You did a number on him. Whatever you’ve got to say better include words to make him lose the great heaving sad attack he’s carrying around.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “We’re not together, though I can’t believe I told you that. He’s just changed a washer for me and gone home to his mother’s.”

  “Thank you.”

  Sky said, “Don’t make me regret helping you,” and hung up.

  She couldn’t call him. She had to go to him. She wasn’t waiting any longer. She bundled Mia up and drove to the address Reece had given her as his next of kin contact. It was an old well-kept weatherboard house in a good neighbourhood. It had a wide verandah and the front door was open. His car was out the front. She was thirsty and dizzy and nervous and tired and adrenaline buzzed in her limbs.

  “Don’t be scared, Mum.”

  It was Mia holding Audrey’s hand when they went through the gate and up to the door.

  Audrey knocked. A voice shouted, “We don’t believe in God. We’re going to burn in hell. Don’t bother with the pamphlet, and no, we don’t want cheaper gas.”

  That had to be Neeva. Then Flip was in the hallway. “She’s here. Audrey’s here.”

  She and Mia were surrounded, and Audrey was face to face with Reece’s mother. She held her hand out. “I’m Audrey Bates.” Reece’s mum shook her hand, briskly, catch and release. Audrey passed her hand over Mia’s head. “This is Mia.”

  Reece’s mum smiled, but the girls were watching her and Audrey knew the smile had a certain meaning, she couldn’t be sure how much poison was in it.

  “Charlotte McGovern. Charlie. You’ve met the girls. What can I do for you?”

  There it was, not poison but a virtual shotgun. Audrey needed to state her business and it had better meet Charlie’s approval or she’d be invited politely to leave.

  She wasn’t leaving without seeing him. “I’ve come to see Reece. No, that’s not right. I’ve come to get him. I’m in love with your son and I was a fool and didn’t understand how important that was, how important he was. But I’ve got it straight now, and I want to ask for another chance.” Brave words, but it was more complicated than that.

  “I see.” The gun was still loaded.

  “Is he here?”

  “He’s not. He’s taken Etta for a driving lesson.”

  Audrey held her breath. There was a subtle shuffling of feet and she realised the girls had arranged themselves at Charlie’s back.

  “You’re welcome to wait.” Charlie turned to Flip. “Take Mia inside and be nice. When Reece gets home, leave him alone. I know you’ve been up to something, but it ends now.”

  The girl’s vanished down the hallway. Mia didn’t so much as glance back at Audrey before entering the house, but Charlie never broke eye contact.

  “How old are you?”

  “Older than Reece.”

  “Too old.”

  “Isn’t that for him to decide?”

  “Understand that I love my son and I won’t let you trap him into being responsib
le for something that’s not good for him. I already did that to him so no one else is going to have the same chance to mess with his life.”

  Charlie McGovern was slender, attractive and formidable. There was weight and right in her words and they deserved respect.

  “I understand. I can’t promise not to hurt him. I will promise to let him choose freely.”

  Charlie sighed. And then a car door slammed, the gate clanged.

  Etta stormed past. “He only wants to teach me to drive like a little old grandma. Jesus. I’ll never get anywhere on time.”

  Then Reece said her name and her knees nearly gave way. She turned towards him, heard the front door close. They were alone. He stood the other side of the low gate. He looked wonderful, a great wall of man frowning at her. She couldn’t see his eyes for sunglasses, but she could see the tension in his frame; every muscle alert for trouble.

  “Audrey, is everything all right?

  Not yet. Not yet. But it could be if she got this said the way it needed to be. “Can we talk? I called but...” Oh God, she was nervous.

  He came through the gate. “Where’s Mia?”

  “She’s inside with the girls. I met your mother.”

  He grunted. “How did that go?”

  He stood on the path. She stood on the verandah. He made no move to come up the steps to her. “I’m suitably chastised.”

  He moved in that way of his, sudden and graceful. He came up the stairs and sat facing out to the street, with his back to her. She stepped forward and sat beside him, not too close, not touching. He was bigger than she remembered, more beautiful and he was hurt, she could see it in the way he held himself away from her and kept his sunglasses on.

  “What do you need, Audrey?”

  You, I need you. Not a changed washer, not a child minded, not a service rendered, but she couldn’t say it like that. She couldn’t force his hand or manipulate him either. All her corporate skills were useless. All she had was the truth and her love for him.

  “I was scared, Reece. I’m a grown-up and I was terrified.”

  He clasped his hands. “Yeah, don’t I know it.” He was bitter. And she’d started in the wrong place. He stared out at the street. “There’s nothing I can do about my past. Before you say anything else I’m back fighting. Proper boxing, gloves and rules, but should know that, it’s as much a part of me as being a sucker for agreeing to teach Etta to drive.”

  She curled her fingers around the underside of the verandah deck. She needed something to hold on to.

  He pushed a breathed out sharply. “Do we have anything else to say to each other?”

  “I was scared of me, Reece, falling in love with you. Everything else I said was an excuse. It’s not about your past. I don’t know how to do family. I don’t know how to do being in love. Before you, Mia was the love of my live.”

  From inside the house there was thumping about and laughter. Reece dropped his head forward, forehead to his clasped hands. She’d never known him to be so thoroughly contained; keeping everything she needed to see in him locked away.

  “There has never been anyone like you. Never any hint I could have the kind of family you see in books and movies. You came along, and you were bigger than the sun and five times as powerful for all your gentleness, and I was scared of losing you before I even had you completely.”

  She swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat and watched his stillness. It was entirely possible he would get up and walk away and she would get what she’d always planned for and no longer wanted.

  She would be alone.

  He lifted his head. “I can’t change you, Audrey. And I’m not changing me.” His voice was thick and clotted. “I can’t do anything more than I’ve done to make you feel safe and cared for.”

  If only he’d look at her. He might see she had changed. “I was scared to rely on you, but now I’m not. I did a terrible thing to both of us when I sent you away. A terrible thing to Mia.”

  He pushed his sunglasses on top of his head, but he still didn’t look at her. She only had his profile. She only had the dream of him.

  “What do you want, Audrey?”

  It was a fair question. All she’d told him so far he already knew. She wanted more than she could outright ask for. “I want to know what you want.”

  He sighed. It came out of him in a stream of irritation. “I’m going to open a kindy. Polly and I are developing a property.”

  He didn’t smile, but she did. “That’s wonderful.” It was sudden and surprising and perfect for him. But it wasn’t forgiveness.

  “There’s a long way to go, but I’m not going to be nannying for families anymore.”

  “I don’t want you to be our nanny.” Please look at me, please, Reece. “Do you still want a family of your own?”

  He turned his head. She almost recoiled. He had old world sorrow in his eyes, and she’d put it there. But he had Charlie’s fighter-spirit in him too.

  “I have a family of my own. That’s them inside laughing, fighting, hating each other, enjoying each other. You could’ve been part of my family, you and Mia, but I wasn’t good enough for you.”

  His eyes were dark, dark, dark. His words were painful to hear. “You’re the only man I’ve ever loved, Reece. There was my father and he didn’t deserve it, there was Barrett and he’s more like a brother, and there is you. And when you got out of the car and said my name just then you nearly stopped my heart. I have missed you like I lost my sense and reason.”

  He groaned and looked away. “What do you want from me, Audrey?”

  “I’m scared to say because you would give me anything.”

  He didn’t look at her. He closed his eyes. “Fuck my life. I would.”

  She wanted badly to touch him, but it might send him away and if he rejected her she’d need to camp on these steps till she was strong enough to move again. “And that might not be good enough for you.”

  He turned to her again; this time his whole torso. He put all his frustration in her hands. “You need to tell me why you’re here. Are you sick again?”

  “No, although I’m desperately tired.” He would see that. He would see every one of her sins and lies, fears and hopes, and he would be allowed to walk away from them.

  “You’ve put on weight.”

  No one else had noticed. “I’m going to put on a lot more.” There was no easy way to tell him. She’d done nothing but stall. She was failing in the most important presentation of her life.

  “You are so beautiful. I have not been the same without you. If this is an apology before you move on, rip it quick.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  It hit him like hostility. He turned his body away. “I can’t help you with that.” He thought it was Barrett’s and it devastated him.

  “It’s yours, Reece. Ours.”

  His eyes came back and searched hers. “But you weren’t, and we...”

  “It’s freakish. Or I thought that at first, but now I know how fortunate it was. It’s miraculous.”

  “Pregnant with my baby?” His voice was thick with disbelief, but she could see in his face he’d already accepted it, because he’d dreamed it.

  “The twins run in Charlie’s family, don’t they?”

  He frowned at the tangent. “Yeah.” And then it wasn’t tangential to him. “Holy fuck, Audrey.”

  She nodded. He reached for her. “You’re pregnant with my twins.” Not a question, a declaration.

  She moved to hold him off. “You didn’t want this right now and you’re building a new life and—”

  “You’re going to try telling me you’ll cut some deal like you have with the furniture removalist. There is no fucking way.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “You can be as involved as you want.”

  “I’m their father. I’ll be in their puke, and their spit, and their blood, and their poop to my eyeballs.”

  She was grinning like a circus clown. “If that’s what you want
.” A circus clown who couldn’t believe the dumb things they did scored applause; that the audience loved them despite their propensity to be a proud idiot and fall down.

  “Okay.” Reece was still behind the action, still reeling from the enormity of this. He shook his head. “Where does that leave us?”

  “Where do you want to be?”

  He reached for her. Moved so one of his long legs was behind her and she was encircled by his strong arms. She had never felt safer.

  “In your heart, in your life, in your bed, Audrey. No matter what.”

  His hands roamed all over her, checking, re-familiarising, bringing new energy, new vigour to her limbs.

  She was strong and capable without him, but she’d trade alone for loved and be super-charged. His lips were in her hair and he murmured nonsense words as his hands came to rest over her belly. He made her giddy. He made her want.

  “I’m a lousy cook. I got another promotion, and I’ll need to travel. I don’t know how to do twins.”

  He laughed. His whole body shook. She didn’t think he was going to quit. And they weren’t quite done here. “Stop it so I can ask you something.”

  He got himself under control. He brought his forehead close to hers. “It had better be to marry you.”

  The husk in his voice made her lose her breath. She grazed her nose against his; this surprising, gorgeous, delightful man, who she loved so deeply. She wondered what she might accomplish with him by her side.

  “Or what?”

  He laughed. “What the stuff, I can do sin.”

  “You do know I am hopelessly domestically challenged.”

  “You do know I love you past anything you can and can’t do.”

  She choked on a sob and honoured his mother, a single parent who hadn’t had the choices, the advantages she’d had. “I’m probably too old for you.”

  “Do they make lingerie for pregnant women?”

  She laughed. “I’m too tired to think about that.”

  “Then ask me to marry you and sleep in my arms till you’re not tired anymore.”

  She smiled at him, smiling back. She would never tire of smiling at him, seeing the love in his eyes. An extraordinary man who’d made her old life unsuitable and her new life a miracle.

  “Reece with a c McGovern, will you marry me?”