For the Love of Logan

by Chase Connor

  Just once, when we’d had fish sticks and tater tots for the tenth time on Katie’s night, dad complained to mom about it. Kaitlyn hadn’t been in the room, but the icy stare my mom leveled on him proved that my calm, collected, and infinitely understanding mother could be scary, too. She stared at him for several moments, then finally said: “That’s what family does for each other. Sometimes you eat fish sticks and tater tots when you really want a steak and a baked potato. We make sacrifices so that everyone has a chance to be happy.” My dad never brought it up again. And he was super nice for several weeks afterwards. Mom never got onto me for complaining about it because she knew that when the fish sticks and tater tots were served, I’d eat them and tell Katie that I loved them more than she did.

  “Can I be sent to my room without dinner?” I teased.

  Mom brayed.

  “I mean…really?”

  “Yes, really.” Mom nodded. “But, it is Friday night. Shouldn’t you have a hot date or be hanging out with friends?”

  “Options are a little limited.”

  She just stared at me.

  “Well, it is movie night with Cooper and Alex.” I shrugged.

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah. Ouch.”

  “Cooper did say I should bring Kaitlyn to come watch a movie with us.” I chewed at my cheek.

  “That’s so sweet of him. God, he’s a good kid.” My mom beamed. “Kaitlyn will love that.”

  She turned to holler out for Katie.

  “Don’t.” I stopped her. “I don’t…Alex will be there.”

  Mom just looked at me.

  “He might—I don’t know—treat her differently.” I shrugged. “He might treat me differently.”

  “Do you think Cooper would date someone like that?” Mom cocked an eyebrow at me. “And even if he did, don’t you think Cooper would correct that behavior pretty dang quick?”

  I shrugged.

  “Up to you.” My mom relented.

  “Maybe next time.” I said.

  “Afraid you’ll have to lose another friend if his boyfriend acts weird around Kaitlyn?” Mom asked gently. “Because…I don’t think that will happen with Cooper, honey. Cooper is a good kid.”

  “He’s the best.” I nodded.

  “Yes. He is.” My mom agreed. “And I can’t really imagine that he’d date someone who wouldn’t be pretty great, too.”

  “Ow.” I frowned.

  “Well, he did go on a date with you.” My mom said. “Even if it didn’t work out, he’s still your best friend. So…he has good taste in people. Just something to consider, sweetheart.”

  “I guess.”

  She was rolling her eyes again.

  “So…how hung up are we on Cooper still?” She put her arms on the kitchen counter and leaned towards me. “On a scale of one to ten—just so I know what we’re dealing with.”

  “Maybe a four. Five tops.”

  “That’s not too bad.” She nodded. “You were around a twelve or thirteen for the first month.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “It runs in the family.” She retorted.

  My mom used to be a psychologist. My dad is the CEO of a tech company and does things I can’t even begin to understand. When my mom was in her mid-thirties, I was born. I was a surprise. When my mom ended up pregnant with Kaitlyn in her mid-forties, it was an even bigger surprise. When the amniocentesis told my mom that Kaitlyn was going to have Downs—something that isn’t completely uncommon for women who get pregnant later in life—my mom didn’t even think twice about keeping the pregnancy.

  Of course, being a psychologist was no longer a thing after Kaitlyn was born. Mom became a stay-at-home mom and dad went on working like he always had. Dad made more than enough money and then some. But I knew that it had to have stung a little for my mom to give up her career. Of course, any time I asked, she told me that her greatest accomplishment was being a mom to Kaitlyn and me. I believed her—but also I felt that if she could also be a psychologist, she would.

  “Write a letter.”

  “I don’t want to write a fucking letter.” I grumbled.

  “Writing a fucking letter will make you feel better.” She said. “Every time you write a fucking letter you feel better for at least a week.”

  “Fine.” I sighed. “Just stop saying ‘fucking’, okay?”

  She laughed.

  “Well, stop being a little asshole and resisting good advice.” She reached over to squeeze my hand.

  “Why does no one want to date me?” I frowned.

  “Well,” my mother looked to make sure Kaitlyn wasn’t sneaking up, “being a closeted gay kid means that other gay kids who might be interested don’t know it’s an option, right?”

  “I guess.”

  “It’s not your looks. Or your personality. Or your smarts.” She said. “But, even if other gay guys knew you were gay, your looks might intimidate them. I mean—you’re the handsomest boy ever.”

  “You’re so gross.” I grabbed my soda, dropped my bookbag, and started to walk away.

  “Hey.” She stopped me. “You asked Cooper out. You can do it again.”

  “Yeah?” I snarled. “Look how that worked out for me.”

  “Do you want me to tell you that you shouldn’t have done the right thing?” She asked. “Because, if you want me to encourage you to be a complete dick, I can if that’s who you want to be in life.”

  “I know.” I deflated. “I just…I want someone to love me, mom. I want someone like Cooper to look at me the way he looks at Alex. And I want my own Alex to think I’m fucking incredible like Alex thinks Cooper is.”

  She walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my middle, burying her face between my shoulders.

  “And you don’t count, so don’t say it.” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

  “Well, I do love you. More than life itself.” She said. “You’re a very special young man, Logan. And one day, a guy is going to come along and recognize it.”

  “One day seems pretty far off.” I sighed.

  My mom put her hand between my shoulder blades and shoved me.

  “Go write a letter.”

  “Jesus.” I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

  Just as I finished my relenting statement, the doorbell rang.

  “I’ll get it.” I sighed.

  “No.” She started to run past me, swiveling her hips against mine. “I’ll get it!”

  So, my mom and I played the game we’d been playing since I had been a little kid. We both raced for the door, trying to beat the other one for the chance to answer the bell. Mom would playfully shove at me and pull me back, trying to beat me, as I did the same. I could have easily beat my mom to the door. I mean, she was a head shorter than me, after all. My legs were much longer. But, that wasn’t the point of the game. Winning was never the real goal. Both of our hands landed on the door handle at the exact same time. Mom shoved me out of the way, and swung the door wide with a triumphant laugh. I laughed with her as we answered the door like a couple of idiots.

  “You two are completely ridiculous.” Cooper was standing there, grinning.

  “Cooper, you gorgeous little shit!” My mom announced.

  Cooper rolled his eyes with a laugh.

  “Get in this house.” My mom grabbed his hand and yanked him into the house like a crazy person.

  Cooper laughed loudly as my mom gave him a hug around the neck and started asking him why we hadn’t seen him in so long. Cooper made apologies and was kind to my mom—like he was with everyone. It made my heart hurt even more. Finally, my mom stopped interrogating him and headed back off towards the kitchen. One thing about my mom—she’s present in mine and Katie’s lives—but she doesn’t hover when it’s not appropriate.

  “What are you doing here?” I smiled at Cooper, overjoyed and also pained to see him so soon after school.

  Cooper held a book up with a grin. “I thought Kaitlyn and I could read. Alex is in practice and �
��movie night’ doesn’t start for hours, so, why not use my free time doing something I love?”

  I started to tell Cooper that his kindness made me want to punch him in his fucking face. And I didn’t know where that thought came from.

  “COOPER!”

  Kaitlyn appeared out of nowhere and launched herself at my best friend, wrapping her arms around his neck. Cooper cradled Katie in his arms and let her bury her face in his neck and squeeze him tightly, dropping the book in the process. I bent down to grab the book, looking at the cover. Giraffes Can’t Dance. A quick scan of the back let me know it was about a giraffe named Gerald who wanted to dance but was bad at it. Kaitlyn loved giraffes. Kaitlyn had Downs. And she loved to dance. But she is not coordinated enough to dance well. I wanted to cry when I saw the book. My best friend’s perfection and kindness made me feel even more sorry for myself.

  “Did you miss me?!” Kaitlyn squealed right in Cooper face, but he didn’t even flinch.

  “Are you serious?” He asked her. “I miss you ever minute of every day, Katie.”

  “Then why don’t you come see me more?” She demanded.

  Kaitlyn, like a lot of people with Downs, can be hard to understand sometimes. Cooper never has problems understanding her.

  “Because I’m just an awful awful person and I’m really really sorry.” He said. “But I do miss you a lot, my little monkey.”

  “It’s okay!” Katie squeezed him around the neck again. “I forgive you! Don’t be sad!”

  “I’m not sad, silly.” He squeezed her back as we walked into the living room. “I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

  I wanted to choke my friend out. He was so fucking perfect and kind and handsome and smart and…he was everything. Why did he have to be so…everything? And the fact that he didn’t really know how perfect he was made it ten times worse. The fact that he didn’t know the effect he had on me—on everyone—made me angry. Of course, I was an expert at hiding my angry feelings about it when they reared their ugly heads.

  “Are you staying for dinner?” Kaitlyn asked the same question she asked every time Cooper showed up.

  “Only if it’s fish sticks and tater tot night.” He sat on the couch, letting her curl up in his lap.

  I laid the book down on the cushion next to them.

  “I’ll be back.”

  Without missing a step, I went directly from the living room, through the dining room, into the kitchen and threw my arms around my mom. Mom didn’t ask any questions, she just slid her arms around my middle and hugged me back. I didn’t cry…but I wanted to. Cooper didn’t know the effect he had on me. I was an asshole for being angry with him about that. He thought that I only thought of him as my very best friend. And, really, that is how I felt. But my sadness at not having a boyfriend of my own was bleeding over into everything else—and that was unfair to Cooper.

  My mom hugged me for several minutes as I did my best to fight back my feelings and tears. When I finally felt like I had myself in check, I pulled back from the hug and she smiled sadly at me as she held my hands. I gave her a nod, she nodded back, and then I walked away. Back through the kitchen, through the dining room, and into the living room. Kaitlyn was curled up against Cooper’s chest, looking at the book he had held out in front of them. I sat down on the couch next to them and leaned over so that I could see the pictures in the book as well.

  And Cooper told us the story of how Gerald the giraffe was about to give up on dancing since he was so bad at it. But the wise cricket told him that “sometimes when you’re different, you just need a different song.” Katie kissed Cooper on the cheek when he read that line. Cooper kissed her dramatically on the forehead, making her giggle and hug him around the neck. Her arms stayed there until the book was finished. And I was again unsure if my feelings for Cooper were just from not having my own boyfriend, or if I was actually still in love with him. Either way, it made me ache in places I couldn’t reach.

  After the book, Katie pulled Cooper into her room to show him her giraffe stuffed animals, like he hadn’t seen them before, and Cooper acted as interested as he had the last dozen times she had shown him. He remembered all of their names and even who had given her some of them. He told her stories about going to drive through zoos where giraffes would stick their heads in open car windows to eat from plastic tubs of food and even out of peoples’ hands. Kaitlyn made him promise that Cooper and I would take her to one of those places one day. He promised.

  After visiting Katie’s giraffes in her room, she rode on Cooper’s back through the house as we went to my room to play a video game. Then she rode on his back to the dining room. My dad was home finally and greeted Cooper warmly and we all sat down and enjoyed Kaitlyn’s favorite meal. Cooper hates fish sticks with tartar sauce and tater tots with ketchup. And he always cleans his plate when he comes to dinner. Why did I have to have a best friend who was so fucking amazing? And why didn’t he know that everything about him made my heart hurt? And why did I want him to know that when I had gone out of my way to make sure he ended up with the person he was actually in love with?

  When dinner was done, I followed Cooper to his house and we made popcorn while we waited on Alex to show up. Cooper’s dad was out with Cheryl Simmons, the lady who worked at the donut shop whom he had been dating for months now. Cooper made me laugh acting disgusted with how his dad was acting like a lovesick teenager lately. Then he made me laugh as he melted butter for the popcorn and told me about how some butter substitutes would give sensitive people explosive diarrhea. Then, when he suggested that we put butter substitute on Alex’s popcorn to see what would happen, I laughed harder. I wasn’t sure if I found that funny or I was wishing diarrhea on the guy who had taken Cooper away from me. I hated myself for most of the evening.

  During the movies, Black Panther and Dead Pool 2, Cooper and Alex snuggled and made googly eyes at each other and generally acted gross. I did my best to ignore it. When the movies were over, though, I made a beeline for the door, claiming that I was getting tired. Although Alex called me a “big poon”, I could see in his eyes that he wanted me to leave so that he could make the moves on Cooper. That pissed me off more than anything. Cooper told me “goodbye” and hugged me and told me to hug Kaitlyn for him, too, making sure Alex didn’t hear the part about Kaitlyn.

  Then I went home. When I got home, Kaitlyn had been asleep for an hour and mom and dad had turned in for the night as well. So, I went to my room and sunk into my desk chair and turned on my reading lamp. I scanned my books, wondering which one I wanted to read to try and shake off my feelings of sadness, but nothing really stood out to me. Nothing seemed to be the right book to help me deal with my feelings. To help me escape. So, I went down to the kitchen and got my bookbag and went back up to my room. I pulled out a fresh spiral notebook, flipped it open to the first page and wrote a letter. Just like my mother had told me to do.

  Chapter 3

  “You’re absolutely disgusting.” Cooper said.

  Mr. Weissman was peacocking through the kitchen as Cooper and I did our homework at the table. He had on a very sharp looking suit, freshly shaved, his hair coifed nicely—he was ready to go out for dinner with Cheryl. On a Sunday night of all nights. It was kind of cute—but since Mr. Weissman was one of our parents, we were required to be disgusted with him.

  “You’re an embarrassment as a father and a human being.” Cooper continued. “I don’t know how you sleep at night.”

  “At least I’m getting laid.” Mr. Weissman snorted.

  “Yeah?” Cooper grinned sweetly. “That insult doesn’t work on me anymore, dear old dad. Remember?”

  Mr. Weissman stopped swaggering around, the realization of what he had said and how Cooper had responded settling in, and frowned deeply. Cooper’s father wasn’t dumb. He knew Cooper and Alex had sex. A lot. But he didn’t want to be reminded that his only son was now also a sexual being.

  “Where is Alex?” Mr. Weissman squinted at Cooper. “I’ve
got a baseball bat with his name on it.”

  “He’s not coming over until later. Dinner with his family.” Cooper waggled his head at his father.

  “That’s probably best.” Mr. Weissman replied. “For his own safety.”

  “For crying out loud, dad.” Cooper laughed. “Give it a rest. I’m not your teenage daughter and you don’t have to protect my virtue.”

  “Well, he’s a dick.”

  Cooper brayed. I couldn’t help but laugh loudly, too. I didn’t know what that said about me as a person.

  “You didn’t think that until he was dating me.”

  “I always thought he was a dick. But what’s your point, son?”

  “That you’re completely ridiculous for acting like Alex is corrupting me or violating me in some way when you’re not around.” Cooper snorted. “Besides, I’m often the aggressor.”

  Mr. Weissman groaned.

  “Sometimes I take advantage of him.” Cooper waggled his head at his father as Mr. Weissman’s frown deepened.

  “Son…I love you…but I also hate you.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “No, I don’t. But I’ll still break Alex’s knees with a ball peen hammer if you don’t’ stop.”

  “Fine.” Cooper rolled his eyes.

  Mr. Weissman got himself a cup of water from the sink and stood there, leaning back, watching the two of us do our homework at the kitchen table. Cooper was finishing up his AP Physics and AP Calculus while I was working on my Comparative Lit homework. Then we were going to prepare for the AP Chemistry quiz together. Mr. Weissman seemed very pleased that the two of us were being so studious.

  “How are things with you, Marshall?” He asked.

  “Still fine, sir.” I replied automatically.

  “Did my son thank your mom for the muffins she sent over with you last time?” He eyed me carefully.

  “Of course, I did!” Cooper groaned.

  “I wasn’t asking you.”

  “Yessir.” I agreed.

  “Good.” Mr. Weissman nodded. “How are your mom and dad?”