Insatiable

by Daniele Lanzarotta

  I walk over to the bar by the kitchen and pour myself a drink.

  “It’s a little early for that, don’t you think?” he asks.

  I ignore him.

  “I’m going to stop seeing her. I have no choice.”

  “Are you going to at least tell her that?”

  “I can’t. It’s best if I just don’t see or talk to her.”

  Owen shakes his head. “Your call, man.”

  I finish my drink and pour another.

  “You know, you could just leave Brooke after the merger is signed tomorrow.”

  I turn around wondering if I just imagined what he is suggesting.

  “Come on, Blake. You can’t keep living like this and honestly, the last thing I want is to see you turn into an alcoholic.”

  “What do you care?” I ask as I drink my next drink.

  “Either way, you risk losing everyone. Break up with Brooke and yeah, you’ll be cut-off from everything and everyone, so what? Mom will find a way to see you and so will I, and the merger will be done so their wealth won’t lie on your shoulders. Now if you marry Brooke and drink your problems away, well, you’ll destroy yourself right before Mom and Molly’s eyes. They’ll definitely lose you then.”

  He has a point.

  Owen leaves soon after that and I’m considering what he said. I know that either way, I don’t deserve Arianna, but I can’t keep living like this. I decide that once the merger is closed, I’ll give it a few days until things calm down and until I can figure out how to help Arianna. I’m certain that if I do this, my dad will blame and get rid of her and I need to find her a safe place to stay. I also decide to stay away from her no matter what. She doesn’t need to be with someone as fucked up as I am. She deserves better.

  I drink the day away. I don’t want to think anymore. I just want to sign those damn papers and be done with it.

  I stare at my phone and fight to not call her. Eventually, Brooke comes in, holding a bunch of bags. I get up to help her and stumble over the couch.

  “Nice!” she says. “It’s not even dinner time and you are already trashed.”

  Brooke ignores me and goes into the room to put the bags away and when she comes back out, she’s wearing a white night gown. I can’t keep my thoughts straight anymore. I had way too much to drink. She walks by, giving me a look that could kill and goes into the kitchen. My apartment is really not that big. I can see her standing by the counter with her back to me as she makes something to eat. The white gown makes me think of Arianna and her white crochet dress. I start getting hard just thinking about it. I close my eyes for a second feeling like I’m about to pass out, but then I open them again, and I watch her take her hair down. Usually she has her hair straight, but today; it looks more like Arianna’s, only lighter. I get up and stumble my way into the kitchen. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. My body stops listening to my brain and just moves on instinct, bad instinct at that. She doesn’t even turn around when I approach her. I put my hands on the counter, trapping her in between my arms, close my eyes and kiss her neck.

  “Hmm, Blake. Maybe you should drink more often.”

  My brain doesn’t process who the voice belongs to, and my imagination has a mind of its own. I move my hands to her waist, letting them brush against the silky material as I move them down to where the gown meets her skin. I grab her sides and pull her against my body. I hear her moan and that drives me crazy. I whisper in her ear, “I want you so fucking bad, Arianna.”

  Next thing I know she’s turning around and shoving me away from her. I keep myself from falling by holding on to the table.

  “What the hell did you say?”

  I shake my head trying to process what I just did. “Shit!”

  She grabs a wine glass and throws it in my direction. I try to move but my body doesn’t respond fast enough. The glass hits my chest and breaks, cutting my skin, before falling to the floor and shattering into pieces.

  “I knew it! I just had this feeling. That little bitch!”

  “Brooke! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

  I don’t need to be sober to see how furious she is. She’s not even hurt. She is just plain mad.

  “You didn’t mean it? You’ve been watching her all fucking weekend like a lost puppy. And I see the way she looks at you too. The slut knows you’re getting married, she should have backed the hell off!” She walks past me and throws a rag in my direction. “Clean the fucking blood off your chest before you get any on the floor. We’ll talk more about it in the morning, when you’re sober.”

  I hear my bedroom door slam shut and I make my way to the couch where I pass out.

  A splash of ice-cold water on my face gets me to wake up right away.

  “What the fuck, Brooke?”

  She puts the glass down and stands there with her arms crossed. Bits and pieces of the night before rush back to me. I’m screwed.

  Fear of Arianna getting kicked out of the house makes me lie like I have never lied before. “Look, Brooke. Nothing happened and nothing will happen. I love you and I’m marrying you. If you want, I won’t even step foot on that island ever again.”

  She watches me carefully. “Do you really mean it?”

  “Of course.”

  She sighs. “I don’t want to see her or hear her name ever again. Do you understand?”

  I nod.

  “What time is it?” I ask.

  “Ten.”

  “Shit! The meeting—“

  “Don’t bother,” she says. “The date got moved back. It’ll probably be right before or after the wedding.”

  “What? Why?”

  “You know damn well why. My dad noticed your attention wandering around this weekend.”

  I put my head down and run my fingers through my hair. Now that the rush from the way I was woken up is gone, I notice my headache. I get up, get some pain meds and check my phone. There are several missed calls from my dad. I don’t bother checking them yet. I text him saying that I’m spending the day with Brooke and I go back to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I can’t even begin to describe my days anymore. I stop drinking over the next two days because I can’t afford to make that mistake again, but being sober doesn’t help with me having to deal with thinking about Arianna all day. Still, I avoid all contact with her, thinking that maybe things will get easier over time.

  I know I need to give my dad time to calm down about the merger so I avoid him too. I leave a message with his secretary saying that I need to take a day or two to help Brooke with wedding stuff. When he finally gets me on the phone, he seems to have calmed down quite a bit, especially after hearing that I really am with Brooke and that we are heading to the mall to pick out tuxedos. He even has the nerve to suggest that we might as well move the wedding date up, which by default, would move the date of the merger as well.

  I tell him that it’s up to Brooke and we both know she’s not changing the date. As soon as I hang up, she looks at me and asks what I was talking about.

  “Dad suggested me move the wedding date up.”

  She hesitates as if she is thinking it through. “No, I don’t think so. Invitations already went out, everything is reserved… is he out of his mind?”

  I shrug.

  Hours later, we are leaving the mall with everything that we needed done. I wonder why I was even there since Brooke chose everything.

  Brooke spends the night again. In the morning, she gets ready to go back to work. She owns a clothing store at a fancy shopping center and she’s basically only there during this time of the month when they’re doing inventory, new orders, and paperwork. She tells me she’s going to have a girls’ night and spend the night at her friend’s house. Honestly, I welcome the break.

  I feel like I’m on autopilot for the rest of the day. I go to work, class, then back to work and I try my best to keep busy to keep my mind occupied with things other than Arianna.

  After work, I stop by an
Italian restaurant to pick up something to eat. It’s getting dark and they are getting busy so I end up parking toward the back of the place. Before I get out of my car, I spot something that catches my attention. The manager of the place gets out from the side door, lights up a cigarette and then I see Brooke come out right behind him. She’s laughing and clearly all over him. She grabs his hand and pulls him toward the back where I now see her black and orange McLaren MP4-12C. I can’t say that I’m surprised by what I’m watching. I’m not even mad or jealous. I just feel numb. I have a somewhat clear view of where they are parked. I watch as he opens the door for her, and grabs her ass before she gets in. I have no reaction whatsoever. He goes around to the driver’s side, gets in, and closes the door. She lowers her head toward his lap as he leans his head back. I just shake my head and at that moment, I get a clear view of what the rest of my life will be like. Work everyday doing something I hate then go home to a wife who I have no feelings for and who will likely be screwing someone else behind my back. In a weird way, I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that she’s at least finding her happiness somewhere.

  I don’t want them to notice me there, so I wait until after he goes back in and Brooke leaves, then I drive away and go back to my apartment.

  I have an urge to call Arianna just to hear her voice, and as much as I try to justify the fact that if Brooke is doing this behind my back so I could, too… well, I know I can’t bring Arianna into this mess and I know that no matter what I do, I don’t deserve her. I feel trapped. I need to stick to my plan so at least Arianna doesn’t end up hurt like everyone else involved.

  Knowing that Brooke will be gone, I pour myself a drink and sit on the couch, leaning my head back and giving in to my thoughts of Arianna.

  The phone ringing startles me. I see it’s Owen and answer it.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Is Brooke or anyone else around you?” he asks.

  I can feel that there’s something wrong. “No. Why?”

  “Good. I’m with Arianna now, so I thought I would call from my phone and let you two talk.”

  “I can’t, Owen.”

  “Man, relax. It’s fine.”

  “This is not fair to her. It’s best if we stop talking so she can move on before she gets hurt.”

  “Oh, now you don’t want her to get hurt? Wouldn’t you say it’s too late for that?”

  I don’t say anything. I know he’s right.

  “Just talk to her okay? She’s been sick. I have a feeling that will make her feel better.”

  “What do you mean she’s sick? What’s wrong?”

  “Probably something she ate.”

  I sigh. “I’ll talk to her.”

  Seconds later I hear her yell, “Leave me alone!”

  “Blake wants to talk to you,” says Owen.

  I want to tell him to just leave her be but the words don’t come out. I need to hear her voice and find out how she’s really doing.

  I hear the sound of a door closing.

  “Hello?” I say.

  I hear the click from her hanging up and I drop the phone to my side on the couch. The thought of her mad at me is as bad as the thought of her sick and alone. I feel like I have to see her more than ever.

  I fight it.

  I drink to try and forget, but the more I drink, the more I need her… the more I want her.

  I lie on the couch, close my eyes and try to sleep, but I can’t. I feel anxious, and my mind drifts to a dark place where I know she is mad, vulnerable, and that my brother is probably the biggest player I know. I want to trust him with her, but I can’t.

  I get up, grab my keys, and head to the parking garage.

  I feel fine. I haven’t had anything to drink in a few days and what I had tonight is nowhere near what I usually drink. I start the car and drive cautiously out of the parking garage. I feel like the drinks are starting to hit me, but as I make my away out of traffic and into the long and deserted road before the pier, I relax.

  I hear my phone and I feel my heart race thinking that maybe it’s Arianna, or even Owen. I grab the phone and drop it by my feet. There are no cars coming, so I lower my arm just enough to reach for the phone. I look to see that it’s my dad. When I look back up, it’s too late. I lose control of the car and get off the road, hitting a tree. I black out. When I open my eyes again, I feel pain everywhere. The windshield is shattered and when I touch my forehead I can feel the sticky blood. I see red lights coming in my direction, but I can’t hold on anymore. I think of the smell of the ocean mixed in with her scent and my eyes close.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ARIANNA

  I wish I could have yesterday back. I don’t know why, but I feel this pain on my chest. I should’ve talked to him when he called hours before. Something inside me was telling me I would regret the moment when I hung-up.

  Owen left sometime in the middle of the night. I heard his phone ring and then he was gone.

  I couldn’t sleep. I knew something was wrong… still do. This time when I lay in bed, exhaustion gets the best of me.

  He’s smiling down at me and all I can do is look away. Happiness seems to be such a rare emotion for him, it always has, and I know that it’s only a matter of time until I become the one responsible for that smile turning into something dark.

  He places his finger under my chin, lifting my head up. “Well, do you regret it?” he asks.

  I want to tell him the truth, that I don’t regret it, that I’d rather have had one day with him than none at all, but the words don’t come out at first. I take a deep breath and I know that I have to lie. I have to push him as far away from me as I can, because I have no other option. So I focus on the part that I do regret. I focus on the fact that when offered my dreams to be made true, consequences didn’t even cross my mind. Not just consequences to myself, but I also never once stopped to think about how my choices would impact the ones around me, how they would impact him.

  All I can think of is that my next words are going to shatter everything that both of us have lived for in the past few weeks.

  And now, here I am, in the awake of one of the worst moments of my life.

  I wake up in tears. I know something is not right. I call Owen, but he doesn’t answer. I don’t want to call Blake at the risk of Brooke being around, so I call Cindy instead. She also doesn’t answer.

  I feel sick and I don’t understand why. This isn’t like the weakness from before. Desperate, I get up and rush to the sea. I do what Owen showed me. It takes a while, but eventually, my tail embraces my legs, covering them with the blue silky skin. I feel no difference. When I bind myself back to Blake, I feel like I can’t breathe. Gasping for air, I rush inside and call Owen. He doesn’t answer, but I wait and follow the instructions to leave a message. Gasping for air, I say, “It’s not working. I can—can’t breathe. Something is wrong with Blake. I can feel it.”

  I hang up, putting the phone next to me on the bed. Seconds later, he’s calling me back.

  “Is he okay?” I ask before he can say anything at all.

  He doesn’t answer. “What’s going on with you?”

  “I don’t know. I did what you showed me to do when I felt sick, only when I bound myself to him again, I couldn’t breathe.”

  “Fuck!” He pauses. “Listen to me, okay? I can’t leave the city right now. I want you to go back in the water and unbind yourself to him. Just stay like that for as long as you can. I’ll be there as soon as I can, but it may take a while. Just make sure you are somewhere where the other merfolk can’t get to you.”

  “Okay. You didn’t answer me about—”

  He hangs up before I can even finish my sentence.

  I walk back to the water with tears running down my face. I sit down, and once again do as he showed me, but nothing happens. I try and try, and nothing happens. I run back inside and call Owen.

  This time he answers right away.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks.


  Sobbing, I tell him that nothing happened when I tried.

  He cusses. “I’m coming to get you and bring you to the city.”

  “I can’t leave!”

  “You can if I tell you to.”

  “Owen, Bram will try to stop the boat. You saw what he did with that storm. I’m never getting out of here.”

  He sighs. “Don’t worry. I’ll find something other than a boat. Be ready within the hour.”

  “Owen—”

  He hangs up again.

  I put on a blue summer dress and I’m ready in a matter of minutes. Time seems to go by so much slower after that.

  When I hear the helicopter, I go outside and wait by the door.

  Owen is the one flying it and he doesn’t even get out. He motions for me to go on and I run toward him. I get in and he leans over me to make sure I’m buckled in and everything is in place, and we start to move up.

  I look down and try not to get sick, and I can already see the waves pick up height and speed. It’s as if they’ve been watching my every move the entire time.

  I glance at Owen and something about his expression makes the problems from my world seem insignificant.

  He looks forward again and within minutes, we start to slowly lower down on an empty field.

  He turns everything off, gets out and comes to the other side to help me out. I stop him, putting my hand over his. I can’t do this anymore. I have to know.

  “What happened to him, Owen?”

  He sighs, and I can feel my hand tighten around his as he talks.

  “Last night… he was in a car accident. He had a lot to drink, and—”

  I’m shaking and in tears. I start to sob. “How is he, Owen?”

  He shakes his head. “He’s not waking up.”

  The sobbing turns into uncontrollable crying. Owen picks me up off the seat and I’m not even sure how I got there, but next thing I know, I’m sitting in his car. The city, all of the surroundings are new to me, but I don’t pay attention to anything as he drives. All I think about is Blake.

  Chapter Twenty-Three