Throwaway

by Heather Huffman

  She tossed one leg over his and absentmindedly traced lazy circles on his washboard stomach as she listened to him spin a tale of a confused and angry young boy, following his older brother into the ranks of Will Quantrill’s raiders in the Civil War. Frank was the ruthless one; Jesse was the one that captured the imagination of dime novelists. Maybe because he seemed to regret hurting others. Maybe because he was young and good-looking.

  He rattled off obscure facts and family trees long into the night. Occasionally the narrative would be broken up by playful banter or the random kiss. He never did get around to telling her his theories on James’ staged death, and as she drifted off to sleep, she promised herself she’d remember to ask him in the morning.

  Only the tender rays of dawn brought a lazy bought of lovemaking, not more discussions about a bygone bandit. When they were up and dressed, they took off to explore the gardens. Gabe remembered they never signed their names on the cave walls, so that was their next stop. Jessie signed her name under the initials assumed to belong to James. It just seemed fitting.

  After another quick swim in the pool, they ate a lunch of cheese and crackers with a bottle of Missouri wine before whiling away the afternoon sprawled on the bed, talking about anything and everything.

  She told him about Harmony being the smartest woman she’d ever met and about the friendship she’d formed with Vance over the years. Though more than five years her junior, he had lately assumed the role of her protector. They talked about Dan and what a good guy he was. Gabe told her about the guys at work—which ones were jerks and which ones were decent.

  Under normal circumstances, Jessie would have been getting restless by the second night. As it was, there was still so much to learn about him. And there was always his laugh, which seemed to come much more readily in their current setting. She couldn’t get enough of that laugh.

  For someone who’d never spent more than the random school fieldtrip away from the city, she found her new surroundings both fascinating and peaceful. The sky at night was black velvet, something that could never be achieved with the lights from the city interfering. The stars sparkled merrily on their inky backdrop. On their second night in the cabin, they curled up in the porch swing and admired the stars as they continued to share anything that came to mind.

  The next morning brought with it unwelcome reminders that their time at the cabin was finite. This would be their last full day together. They ate a breakfast of fresh fruit and took a meandering walk in the gardens before he took her on a longer trek to see the old mill. Of course, he knew the history of that, too. It was evermore obvious to Jessie he’d brought her to his home.

  It was also evermore obvious to Jessie that she didn’t want to go back to St. Louis. She liked strolling down a dirt road with her hand in his. But as the day crept on, it became harder to ignore the thought worming its way to the front of her mind. Gabe was going to be furious with her when he found out what she had asked Spence for.

  There probably wasn’t any way to make him understand why she felt the need to take care of this herself. He’d probably spout all kinds of reasons why she should let him rescue her. Maybe he’d be right—she was crazy.

  But something deep in her bones longed to be the one that set her life straight. Like maybe if she could do this, then she’d really be the kind of woman he could love and she wouldn’t be just a fascination.

  But that wasn’t something she could put into words, so it did her no good when she finally broke down and told Gabe what she planned to do. She fully expected him to yell, to argue his point. She wasn’t prepared for the stony expression that instantly dropped over his face. He started to speak but the words couldn’t seem to find their way beyond his throat. With a pained expression and a terse shake of the head, he stormed out of the cabin.

  “Gabe,” she called, taking off after him once she’d regained her wits. “Gabe, don’t just walk out on me like that.”

  “No,” he kept walking.

  “Gabe! Stop!” Her voice left little room for disagreement.

  “No,” he shook his head as he stopped. “No. You aren’t going to do this.”

  “Why not? You know it’s the best way to find out what the hell is going on and end this thing.”

  “Because it’s hard enough thinking about the reality of what you do, but not him, Jess. Not him.”

  On some level, Jessie understood that. Johns came and went. They got a few minutes of her life and then she never saw them again. Spence was different.

  “I don’t want to do this,” she closed her eyes, unable to bear the expression on his face as he turned to her.

  “Then don’t,” his voice was soft, pleading. “I’ll hide you here. No one will find you.”

  “I can’t live my entire life in a remote cave, babe. As long as I’m alive, he won’t let me go.”

  “Then we’ll fake your death. It’s worked before. Jessie, please just don’t go through with this.”

  “If everything works out like I hope, then I’ll have what you need on him in no time. Then he’ll be in jail and I’ll be free. You know it’s the fastest and easiest way to end this—if your judgment wasn’t clouded, you’d see that.”

  “But if he realizes what you’re up to, he’ll kill you.”

  “And I’ll still be free.”

  “Don’t… don’t say that,” he rolled his head as if he could jar that thought loose by doing so. Jessie could hear the tears in his voice and it ripped out a piece of her soul to know she’d caused him pain.

  “He won’t catch me. I’ve been tap dancing around Spence for a lot of years. I’ll be fine. And I’m sure Vance’ll look out for me.”

  “I don’t like this at all,” his voice said he was bending though he still shook his head no.

  “Please understand why I have to do this,” she held her arms open to him.

  “I can’t stomach the thought of his hands on you.”

  “I won’t let him touch me,” she promised.

  “How are you going to work that one?”

  “I have no idea, but I’ll think of something. I’ll do anything to take that look off your face.”

  “I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you,” he crossed the distance between them and scooped her into his arms. She kissed his eyes, his cheeks, his forehead before he caught her mouth with his own. There was a greed in his touch she hadn’t felt before. To be fair, there was a certain amount of greed in her response.

  They moved past their first real fight in the old fashioned way, and spent the rest of the evening intertwined on the porch swing, wrapped in each other and a quilt. The conversation centered mostly on how they could incapacitate Spence enough he wouldn’t be a threat to Jessie, but would still be able to lead them to the men Gabe had spent years trying to catch.

  The later it was, the sillier the suggestions got. At one point Jessie might have suggested paying someone to throw a fastball at just the right spot, but tossed the idea aside because she thought it would be too small a target to hit from a distance.

  It was her last night to sleep curled up at his side. She wanted to stay awake, to relish every breath he took, but sleep claimed her despite her intentions. The rays of sunlight that danced through their window in the morning seemed to taunt her.

  She didn’t want to go. Everything in her cried out to just run away. As they visited the cave one last time, she ran her fingers almost lovingly over the initials she’d decided with certainty were Jesse’s.

  “How’d he do it?”

  “Fake his death? In the usual way. Paid a friend to pretend shoot him, buried some poor schmuck who looked enough like him to pass.”

  “He killed someone in his place?” Jessie didn’t like that idea, it marred the romanticized version she had dancing through her head already.

  “If I remember the story correctly, the guy beat the crap out of his wife and kids on a regular basis. Jesse anonymously gave them a decent sum of money in his place.
”

  “So it worked out, then.”

  “For everyone but the schmuck, yes, it worked out quite well.”

  “You never told me how you know all of this.”

  “Local lore has it that Jesse moved to the Ozark Mountains and started a new life. He fell head-over-heels in love with the daughter of the family that owned this property at the time. Her daddy didn’t trust the mysterious stranger that seemed to drop out of nowhere, so he refused to let them marry. So, she moved in with him.”

  “Why didn’t she just marry him against her father’s wishes?”

  “Who knows? I guess she told herself she wasn’t disobeying him that way,” Gabe shrugged.

  “There’s a loophole if I ever saw one.”

  “Well, they had a daughter together. Her daddy was furious. He never did claim her after that. Never saw his granddaughter.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “Rumor has it Jesse and his new love were happy together. It’s supposed to be a romantic story.”

  “Unless you’re his first wife left to raise his kids with no money and the stigma of being an outlaw’s wife.”

  “Yeah. Unless you’re her.”

  Chapter Nine

  The ride back went too quickly. Jessie could feel a weight settling over her more with each passing mile. She’d gone her whole life without any real connection to another human being. Now she didn’t want to let her connection with Gabe go. It would be so hard being near him but not able to touch him, to laugh with him.

  “Back to the fishbowl,” she sighed, blinking back tears as they crossed the St. Louis County line. It wouldn’t be long now until they parted ways.

  “We’ll find ways to communicate,” he promised. “And I’ll always be around. If you get into trouble or decide you want out, just say the word.”

  “I’ll be okay. I just don’t want to go is all.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “Gabe, not again. Please?”

  He pulled the Jeep into a Metrolink parking lot, shifting in his seat to face her once they were stopped. “I don’t want to let you out of this car.”

  “You know I’m crazy about you… right?” She swallowed hard, considering her next words. “You… you’re… you’re really important to me.”

  “Wow, don’t completely overwhelm me with your flowery words of love there, babe.”

  “Shut up. You are such a jerk.”

  “That’s more like it,” he grinned before growing serious. “You’re pretty important to me, too. Please be careful.”

  There were a thousand things Jessie wanted to say to him. They swirled around inside her, straining to be free. None of them seemed quite able to string together into a coherent sentence that could work its way past her defensive barriers, though. All that finally came out was a flat “I’ll be careful” as her hand sought the door handle. “See you around.”

  “Damn it, Jessie,” he growled, exploding from the car to cover the distance between them. He pulled her to him, claiming her mouth as his hands cupped her face. “Don’t shut me out now.”

  Her eyes locked with his, saying all the things her voice could not. She allowed her hands to follow a path of their own volition up his arms to cup his face as he had hers, the scruff of his jaw standing in stark contrast to the silken hair that brushed her fingertips. She wanted to memorize each muscle along the way, each sensation she experienced with him so close.

  She gave him one last lingering kiss before stepping back.

  “See you around.”

  He nodded, kissing the back of her hand before releasing her. Jessie didn’t look back—she didn’t trust herself to move forward again if she did. She caught a glimpse of him leaning against the Jeep as the light rail pulled away from the station.

  She’d left her bags in his Jeep intentionally. She didn’t want to explain where the clothes came from when she returned. Now that the parting was behind her, returning to Spence loomed large on the horizon.

  He was waiting for her when she walked through the door of her apartment. One look at Harmony’s puffy eyes told Jessie she wouldn’t be happy with what was about to unfold. Despite Spence’s warning otherwise, Harmony immediately flew into Jessie’s arms.

  “I’m sorry,” Jessie whispered into Harmony’s ear. “I didn’t mean to make life harder for you.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” Harmony started crying again.

  “Does that mean your answer is yes?” Jessie looked to Spence in time to see his head nod ever-so-slightly. Her stomach clenched with nerves even as she breathed a sigh of relief. The thought hadn’t occurred to her before that moment that he could have said no. “Thank you.”

  “You wanted this?” Harmony stared at her with a look of horror and betrayal.

  “I can’t work the streets forever, baby girl. I’d like to move on while there’s still something left of me.”

  “But Jessie…” Harmony’s voice trailed off.

  “I should probably go now. I’ll see you at the gym tomorrow, okay?”

  “Will you get up without me there?”

  “I’ll set an alarm,” Jessie promised solemnly before turning her attention to Spence. “Just give me a second to gather a few things.”

  “We’ve already moved your things for you.”

  “Oh,” Jessie paled a little. “Can I take one last look at my room?”

  Spence motioned with his hand, granting her permission. She tried not to bolt to the room, nearly weeping with relief to see her bed had been left as it was. She had no idea how she’d get her money out from under the mattress now, but at least the bed was still there. She quickly crossed the room to run her hand under the mattress to reassure herself the envelopes were still there.

  Only they weren’t. Her heart flew to her throat; a dull roar filled her ears. She might have fainted right then and there but Spence’s voice calling her from the other room brought her back to this moment.

  She straightened and tried to look calm by the time she reappeared in the living room. With each step, the reality settled over her that she was getting ready to leave her home of 14 years. She would miss her little apartment and the vibrancy of Cherokee now that she’d be living in Spence’s loft with him. Everything had happened so quickly, she hadn’t had a chance to do all of the “one lasts” she’d planned to.

  Spence was standing at the door waiting for her. Harmony had retreated to the kitchen, though Jessie could feel her hurt stare as Jessie took one last look around her home before accepting Spence’s hand and following him down the stairs to the waiting Mercedes.

  Her hand felt chilly in his; it held none of the warmth that radiated from Gabe’s touch. He was long and lanky with Mediterranean coloring and cool green eyes. He always wore tailored suites. Most women who met him looked twice. A good portion of those quickly looked away when further scrutiny revealed that there was no soul behind those beautiful eyes.

  Jessie had to admit to at least herself that she was more than a little scared. Like a lamb being led to slaughter, she followed him dutifully across the sidewalk to the waiting car.

  Then everything happened so quickly it felt like Jessie stepped out of reality and into a dream. It wasn’t until later, as she sat in the waiting room of the hospital covered in blood that she began to process the scene that had unfolded before her.

  Like characters from a Tarantino movie, two men had boldly walked up to Spence in the middle of the street, one yanking him away from her while the other swung the baseball bat. The sound of bone cracking was unmistakable when the first swing connected with his shin. The second swing was the one that broke his nose and the reason for the blood that spattered all over Jessie.

  Just as quickly as they arrived, they were gone. Vance chased them for a block before returning to help Spence. Together, he and Jessie shoved Spence into the Mercedes. Jessie ripped a strip of cloth from her shirt to stem the flow of blood from Spence’s nose. She held his head in her lap and spoke in soothing
tones as he groaned in pain.

  The man made her stomach roil, but she didn’t like seeing another human in pain. Had she heard about this after the fact, she would have snickered a little. Witnessing it firsthand was another story altogether.

  When they pulled into the Alexian Brothers Hospital, Vance slammed the car into park and was there with lightning speed to help Jessie get Spence out of the car. Together, they got him in the doors. The blood made it look worse than it was, but helped get the attention of the emergency room staff. Spence was whisked away, leaving Vance and Jessie to face a glowering check-in attendant.

  “I’m going to park the car. I’ll be right back,” Vance muttered and was gone, leaving Jessie alone in the face of the woman’s disapproval.

  She was halfway through the paperwork when Vance reappeared, relieving Jessie of the duty so she could go splash some cold water on her face. The bathroom mirror was not kind. If she hadn’t been so shell shocked, she’d have been embarrassed to leave the bathroom. As it was, she just sort of wandered in a daze.

  Until she found herself sitting in the waiting room, reliving that horrible instant over and over in her head and wondering if it was a result of Spence’s dealings—or if it had been done to protect her.

  The hospital called the police. It didn’t take long for a couple of uniforms to show up to get their statement. Which, of course, was rehearsed and very noncommittal. Gabe was right on their heels, trying to look unconcerned as his eyes scoured Jessie for any sign of injury.

  “Were you harmed, ma’am?” he finally interjected when it appeared no one else was going to ask.

  “No, sir,” she smiled a little. “They didn’t touch me.”

  He seemed relieved at that. His entire reaction set Jessie’s mind at ease that Spence wasn’t suffering on her behalf. That is, until she caught the look that flickered between Gabe and Vance.

  She didn’t know if she was impressed, terrified or sickened by the efficiency with which they had dealt with rendering Spence unable to perform. By all accounts, it looked like a warning from the mob. If Jessie hadn’t seen the look, she would have never known otherwise.