Throwaway

by Heather Huffman

Jessie stood back a little and shined her light on the area. The real signature was hard to make out—other than swirls of black carbide covered by dozens of other signatures.

  “I like this place,” Jessie wrapped her arms around herself for warmth, surveying the room they now stood in. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  “Jesse James was always my hero,” Gabe admitted. “This cave is one of my favorite places in this world. It’s so… removed from it all.”

  “You know Jesse James was a bad guy, right? I mean, I wasn’t exactly a straight-A student, but I do remember that much.”

  “I prefer to think of him as a victim of circumstance,” Gabe moved to stand behind her, wrapping her up in his warmth as he spoke.

  “How’s that?” She asked absentmindedly, sinking back into him as she did.

  “He was just a country boy with the misfortune of living in a border state during the Civil War.”

  “So you subscribe to the Robin Hood theory?” Jessie seemed to recall there was a great debate over whether James was a hero of his time or just a thug.

  “No, he kept the money for himself. But I don’t think he would have been an outlaw if his family farm hadn’t been attacked by a Union militia when he was sixteen. They killed his brother, maimed his mama and beat Jesse. I think something inside him snapped that day.”

  “That’s so young,” Jessie murmured, thinking of the twists her own life had taken at a tender age.

  “I don’t know. I just always thought he was swept up in something bigger than himself and did the best he could to survive under the circumstances.”

  “I can identify with that,” Jessie curled her arm around Gabe’s, turning her head against his arm. A lifetime’s worth of memories danced across her mind. They were layered with images of a man she didn’t know, ripped from his boyhood into a life he didn’t choose, spray painting his name on a cave wall so someone might remember him when he was gone.

  Jessie couldn’t say why the need to connect with another human being overtook her just then. Maybe she needed to know that her chance wasn’t gone. Maybe she wanted to know what it felt like to share something as intimate as a kiss with this man in this moment.

  Whatever drove her, she found herself turning in his embrace. She looked up at him, her eyes trying to read his in the dim light. She leaned towards him, then away, her mind unsure of the choice her body seemed to have already made.

  “Jessie,” his voice was torn.

  The torment in his voice, the expression on his face, each ragged breath… she knew right then that no one had ever seen her as clearly as he did. She’d been a nuisance, a burden on the state, a prize to be had and an object of desire. In this timeless instant, she was a woman. Nothing more, nothing less.

  That was the thought burning on her brain when she wound her fingers through his hair and hungrily sought his mouth with her own. He met her kiss hesitantly at first, but she could feel the exact moment his last reservation was released.

  There was nothing frantic in his touch. Instead, his kisses were deep and thorough, as if he was slowly drawing her into his soul and robbing her of all her senses. Or maybe it was a heightening of the senses she was experiencing. Maybe she was feeling everything so much that there was no buffer in between the feelings; they were blending together like a finger painting. Strong strokes of brilliant color overlapped each other, creating something altogether different and new.

  As his mouth drove her slowly insane, his hands caressed and tormented and fanned the fire that was rapidly becoming an inferno. Never in her life had she wanted anything as badly as she now wanted more of him. Only him.

  She ripped his t-shirt off, eager to feel more of his skin against her own. Her shirt landed beside his on the floor of gravel and clay. And then they were back in each others’ arms, their bodies moving to a shared rhythm as they explored the expanse of newly discovered skin.

  If rational thought tried to rear its ugly head, Jessie shoved it ruthlessly aside. She wanted no part of anything save this delicious vortex of feeling. Beads of sweat dotted their skin despite the cool air that enveloped them.

  They shifted positions and Jessie found herself with her back to the cave wall, her legs wrapped around Gabe’s waist and her arms wrapped around his neck, as if she could completely surround him with her love.

  She wanted this to last forever. She didn’t think she could survive one more moment of the sweet torment. She couldn’t explain the tears that flowed freely.

  When it was over, he covered her neck with kisses as he murmured her name again and again. And still she cried.

  “I’m sorry,” she apologized, wiping her eyes as she tried to sort out her clothes.

  “I hope they’re good tears,” he kissed her temple before plucking his shirt up to study it with dismay.

  “You know, there are a few technical difficulties with this whole cave thing,” she acknowledged. Her own clothes were filthy. “And there’s no shower, is there?”

  “Nope. But never fear… we have something even better.”

  “I find it very difficult that there is anything better than a shower at the moment.”

  “Come on, I’ll show you,” he reached his hand out to take hers. She followed, her mind a jumble as she tried to sort out what just happened and take in the cave on their way out.

  “Hey, wait a second,” she dug her heels in when something caught her eye in a corridor near the entrance. “Look—it’s my initials. JJ 1885.”

  “Some people say that Jesse James engraved that too. Only he supposedly died in 1882.”

  “You say that like you don’t believe he did.”

  “I have it on pretty good authority that there might be some validity to the claims that he staged his death.”

  “What authority is that?”

  “Can we talk about it while we’re getting cleaned up?”

  “Good point,” Jessie relented and followed him out of the cave. As they stepped out of the shadow of their otherworld, the sun and the humidity instantly greeted them. It had cooled a little while they were underground, but it was still markedly warmer than their bodies were used to at the moment.

  The heat made the clay drying on their bodies and clothes feel that much more miserable. They stopped by the cabin for Gabe to snag a couple of robes, whose presence made Jessie think he had put quite a bit of thought into this week.

  As she followed him down the path from the cabin, she took in the beauty of her surroundings. The hostas were amazing—fitting nicely into the woods around them. Stone pathways and waterfalls and a gazebo dotted the way, adding to the Eden-esque quality of this place.

  They came to a stop in front of a pool unlike any Jessie had ever seen. Surrounded by stone, it was two large circles with a wooden bridge crossing the point where the circles intersected. The patio around it was a breathtaking garden in its own right. The water had an opaque quality that somehow enhanced the beauty of it all. It beckoned her to sink down into its warmth, washing the grime of the cave away.

  “Are you sure it’s okay for us to be doing this?”

  “Absolutely,” he flashed his dimple at her in a way that made her think the answer should really have been “Absolutely not.”

  Truth be told, she didn’t care if she should be skinny dipping in this pool in the middle of the woods with him or not. All that really mattered was the fact that she was. It was glorious and she was free and there was no one watching the door of the cabin to be sure she returned by curfew.

  With a wicked grin, she splashed him before diving under the water so he couldn’t retaliate. He chuckled and dove after her. They played and splashed as the sun sank in the horizon.

  “That’s amazing,” she paused to admire the sky. It was like none she’d ever seen before. The colors were brighter, the expanse bigger.

  “You forget how beautiful it is when you’re away. Then you come back and think ‘how did I ever leave a sky like that?’”

  “I’m not
going to ruin the moment by asking you about your past,” she pulled him to her, loving the feel of his slick wet skin against hers. “But I do still want to hear about Jesse James. You promised me.”

  He answered with a mischievous smile and a kiss. It was there, beneath the first stars of the evening with the woods thriving with life around them and the gentle warm water lapping at their skin, Jessie made love to a man for the second time in her life.

  Memories of pain and degradation might have crept back into the corners of her mind if she had let them, but she guarded fiercely against anything other than Gabe and this place filling her senses. Nothing else existed. Not tonight.

  Chapter Eight

  “So much for the no sex thing, eh?” Jessie observed as they devoured their microwaved dinner.

  “Sorry about that,” he stopped eating to look sheepish.

  “Don’t be. I was just teasing. I’m sorry,” she quickly reassured him.

  “No, I am. I don’t want you to think I’m just talk. I really meant what I said… There’s just something about you that makes me forget my best intentions.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “It is.”

  “It’s not like I thought it would be.”

  “How so?” He seemed mildly concerned.

  “It’s better. Not like… never mind.”

  “Aw, now, you can’t do that to a man. Not like what?”

  “Work,” she finally finished weakly, afraid to meet his eye.

  “That’s a relief,” there was a smile in his voice as he tipped her chin up with his finger. “Don’t crawl back in your shell now. I can’t say I want to dwell on your past, but we can’t have much of a relationship if you’re afraid to remind me who you really are.”

  “Is this a relationship?”

  “An odd one, but yes… why, don’t you think it is?”

  “Harmony had to tell me I was attracted to you and not having a stroke. I’m not the person to ask in this situation.”

  “You thought you were having a stroke?” he chuckled. “I’ve never had that kind of effect on a woman.”

  Jessie blushed in response and concentrated on her food.

  “Wasn’t there someone before… well, before,” he finished awkwardly.

  “No fair. You know way more about me than I know about you. You tell me something first.”

  “What is this, truth or dare?”

  “If that’s what it takes to pry some information out of you.”

  “That could be fun.”

  “Shut up and talk,” Jessie snapped.

  “That might be difficult.”

  “I hate you, Gabe Adams. You know that?”

  “I love you too, Jessie girl,” he said the words jokingly, but the moment they were out silence fell like an anvil. The only movement in the room was blinking for a full sixty seconds.

  Jessie opened her mouth to say something in return, but had no clue what that should be, so she closed her mouth again.

  “So you want to know something about me?” Gabe was the first to recover. “Let’s see… I used to be in the army. I have no idea how I’ve managed to not be called up again in the past seven years. I’m guessing my Captain has pulled some strings because of the case we’re working on.”

  “Army, huh?” Jessie could see that. She bet he was cute in his uniform.

  “Yep.”

  “Ever been married?”

  “Once.”

  “What happened?”

  “She was a lot prettier on the outside than she was on the in. She and Riley Brunner are friends, actually.”

  “Ah. Ajax-girl… should I be worried? I’ve been so careful not to turn into a walking disease…”

  “No,” he chuckled ruefully. “You don’t need to be worried.”

  “Sorry. Go on.”

  “I’m not sure if I want to go on.”

  “Don’t pout,” she admonished, moving to gather their dishes as she spoke.

  “I’m not pouting.”

  “Don’t worry—it’s a very masculine pout. But it’s still a pout.”

  “You’re kind of a pain in the ass, you know that?”

  “If you tell me her name, I’ll find her and beat her up for you. Someone probably should if she’s dumb enough to let you go. Other than that, I don’t know what to say. I don’t like the thought of you belonging to someone else before me,” she admitted.

  He choked on his water.

  “Don’t be like that. That’s different.”

  “How so?”

  “I didn’t choose to belong to anyone.”

  “Then how did you wind up in Spence’s clutches?”

  Jessie wasn’t sure she wanted to delve into her sordid past. It would ruin their lovely night. She shrugged, trying to decide what best to say. “The state gives you the boot on your eighteenth birthday. I didn’t have anywhere to go but the Eads Bridge. I ran into Spence outside a soup kitchen down on Washington. He offered me a place to stay. He was a good looking guy and seemed nice enough….”

  Gabe’s expression was dark. Jessie worried that she’d ruined their night, but she’d come this far so she took a deep breath and plunged ahead.

  “You know, normally a virgin is worth big money on the street. So the fact that Spence took that for himself instead of taking the free money says a lot.”

  “So, there was no one in high school… “

  “I told you I’ve never done this because I wanted to before.”

  “I guess I didn’t believe you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about Spence,” a shudder ran down the length of Jessie’s spine.

  “You know what? I don’t either,” he stood and stretched.

  “Tell me about your family,” Jessie crawled under the covers of the bed, snuggling up with her pillow and looking expectantly at Gabe.

  “I have one.”

  “Mom and Dad?”

  “Mom passed away three years ago. Dad’s still actively disapproving of my life choices.”

  “Brothers? Sisters?”

  “One older sister. A little bossy, but she means well and would do anything for me.”

  Jessie wondered if his sister was the one who prepared the cabin for them. She might never tell Gabe this, but she wanted to meet his father and sister. She wished she was the kind of woman a man could take home to his family. She’d never cared about that kind of thing before.

  “Hey, what’s with the sad eyes?” he reached out to stroke her cheek.

  “Not sad,” she lied. “I like hearing about your family.”

  “You won’t think that when you meet them,” he promised. “They’re a colossal pain.”

  “Meet them?” her heart soared.

  “Sure. But not this week. This week is ours.”

  Jessie didn’t blame him for stalling. The fact that he had mentioned it at all meant something.

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Do you have parents?”

  “I’m sure I did at some point,” she shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t really remember them, though. Those first few years were a little hazy…. I mean, I kind of remember flashes of the house I lived in with my mother. Every now and then I’ll walk past someone who smells like she did. Roses. Well, that fake rose smell anyway.”

  “You don’t remember her?”

  “Not really. Just a dingy brown couch and rust colored shag carpeting in the house where we lived,” Jessie reached back into the hidden crevices in her mind. “I do remember her hands. They were so delicate. I thought she was a fairy princess because her hands were so delicate.”

  “How old were you when you last saw her?”

  “I was about five when she went away. A woman with a nice smile and a blue business suit came and took me to live with another family. There was always another family after that—or a group home.”

  “Do you know what happened to her?” Gabe seemed torn between enveloping her in an
embrace and the fear she’d break if he touched her.

  “Someone told me that she died. I don’t know how. I never asked. I guess I figured it didn’t matter so much how she got there.”

  “I’m so sorry,” at that, he did pull her into his arms. Jessie closed her eyes and simply enjoyed the way it felt to have a pair of strong arms wrapped around her because they wanted to protect rather than possess her. “You really got the shaft in life, didn’t you?”

  “Worrying about what’s fair seems like a waste of time. I try to roll with it and move on.”

  “While I agree with you, I’m still going to be angry on your behalf.”

  “Go for it,” Jessie smiled a little. She liked someone being angry on her behalf.

  “Why does that feel like a minor victory?”

  “What?”

  “You’re going to let me care what happened to you,” he grinned.

  “I can’t control what you care about,” she tried to sound disinterested.

  “Whatever. I’m winning you over.”

  “Why on earth would you want to?”

  “Because you’re the most beautiful, fascinating woman I’ve ever met. Because I’m a better person when I’m around you. And because you make me laugh.”

  “I like your laugh,” Jessie chose not to remind him that she was the very definition of used goods.

  “How did we get so serious all of a sudden?”

  “It’s your fault. You were trying to dodge telling me more about Jesse James.”

  “Oh, is that what happened?”

  Jessie nodded primly.

  “Then please allow me to atone for my sins,” he nuzzled her neck, his fingers trailed down her ribs to the small of her waist.

  “That’s not what I meant,” she protested half-heartedly. “I want to hear about Jesse James. Come on, you promised.”

  “Did I?” he straightened, a mischievous glint in his eye. “I wouldn’t want to break a promise.”

  He rolled onto his back, tucking Jessie against his side as he decided where to begin. With a deep breath, he launched into the known history of one of America’s most notorious outlaws. Even the basics facts, like that he was born in 1847 in Clay County, Missouri sounded better when they were delivered by his deep, rich voice.