Needing Her

by Annabelle Love

  “Are you looking to join the meeting?” The question stiffened every muscle in my body, and my blood pounding in my ears suddenly became eerily quiet. Glancing over at the front door of the gym, I pursed my lips together as an older man in jeans and a dingy t-shirt stepped beyond it fully. “We’ve got room.”

  “I’m not an alcoholic… I actually don’t think I’ve drunk more than 4 beers at any one time.” My confession only caused the man to raise a bushy eyebrow, and I tore my eyes off him to stare back at the sign. “I… I think I need help, though.”

  “How about you sit in on the meeting, and we can talk about it a little? Have you ever had therapy of any kind before?” Shaking my head silently, I tried to ignore the sour taste on my tongue and the disgust dripping down my throat. This is what I’m reduced to. “That’s okay… You know—it’s not a bad thing to admit that you need professional help sometimes. No one can do everything alone, especially when you’ve got so much expectation on your shoulders.”

  That brought my gaze back to him, but he only shrugged with a knowing smile stretching his lips. Pursing my own into a thin line, I leaned back on my heels as goosebumps washed my arms.

  “Yeah… yeah, I’ll sit in, if that’s okay.”

  “I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Come on in.” For a long moment, I hesitated, but Hailey’s ruined face flashed in my mind’s eye as the nameless man held open the gym door. Taking that first step wasn’t as hard as I had always imagined it would be, and I took a deep, steadying breath before following him into the gym.

  “Uh, so… how does this… work…?” Posing my question as we passed by clearly old work-out equipment, I faltered slightly, but the man leading me through the maze smiled over his shoulder serenely.

  “This is an AA group, but I know a lot of good therapists. What made you want to get help?” He didn’t ask for my name, and I didn’t ask for his—even though it was clear he already knew who I was. Rolling my jaw at the question, I paused in front of an elliptical machine to train my eyes on the floor as self-disgust threatened to choke me.

  “I hurt someone because… I took out my hatred for myself on her, and it’s been haunting me. The first second I saw her, I wanted her… but when she gave in, I hurt her.” Prickles slid down my spine and stuck in my throat, and my hoarse confession only brought an understanding hum from the older, clearly wiser man standing opposite me. “I don’t know what to do about it now.”

  “You know… it’s not easy to just abandon your life, no matter how much you hate it. Most people can’t walk away for years. But, one thing I’ve learned, is you can’t go anywhere unless you prepare for the journey. When you’re all packed up and ready to go, it still won’t be easy to walk out the door, but it won’t feel like it's impossible.” Holding my breath, the words rolled around in my mind for what seemed like a lot longer than a few seconds before I found myself nodding firmly.

  “Where do I start?” Smiling broadly, the man took the last few steps to a door, and my heart thundered in my chest as he grabbed the doorknob. Gesturing me through the threshold, he waited patiently as I worked up the courage to take the first step.

  But, somehow, I managed.

  Chapter 9

  Anthony

  Ten months later…

  “What do you mean she stopped coming?” Pursing my lips tightly as Sam shrugged carelessly, I ground my teeth hard and inhaled sharply through my nose. “Care to elaborate a little, man?”

  “What do you expect me to say? Hailey just stopped coming. I figured it was because you screwed her into oblivion and other men just didn’t interest her anymore. I haven’t seen her for at least 7 months since she got her corporate job on the other side of the city. I don’t have an explanation to elaborate on.”

  A harsh growl lodged in my throat as I leaned against the bar, and my eyes narrowed as they scanned the floor. The place was pretty empty, but that wasn’t all too weird considering it was the middle of the day. Tapping my foot against the stool rung absently, I held my breath as guilt and self-depreciation clawed at my chest.

  “However—” Drawing my attention once again, I whirled around on my stool to watch Sam clean the bar expertly with innocence tainting his expression. He had a new nose piercing since the last time I had been here; he might’ve had it before, but I didn’t pay enough attention to him. “I do know that Hailey goes to The Speakeasy every Monday with her sisters. She’s been doing it for years. If you hurry, you might catch her… just don’t tell her I told you.”

  “I owe you one, man.” Hopping off the stool, I pulled my cell phone out of my jeans pocket to unlock it with skilled ease. “Thanks.”

  “Thank me in Benjamins if you want to just call it even. I don’t get paid enough to set you up with the hottest chick ever and not get anything out of it.”

  “Yeah—I got it.” Answering absently, I wandered towards the exit with a glare trained on my back, and I searched the restaurant in question before even making it into the alleyway. Sam’s words kept replaying to beat against my forehead, and my breath shallowed out as I hopped into my rental car’s driver’s seat.

  “—just stopped coming…”

  “Fuck.” Gripping the wheel tightly once the engine had roared to life, I peeled out the back of the alley and onto a deserted side street. My phone chimed and talked with a robotic feminine voice, but I could barely pay attention even as it told me where to go.

  The memories that bombarded me were more intense than usual, and I sucked in a hard breath through flared nostrils only to get slammed with the same scent of the car Hailey had driven.

  I hadn’t been with another woman since her; not because I didn’t find them attractive, but because I felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying Hailey even though I still couldn’t make sense of those three days ten months ago. I had never cheated on a woman I was in a relationship with, but I couldn’t help but imagine that that was what it felt like.

  ‘Turn left in 200 feet, and your destination will be on the right.’ The voice that echoed from my phone’s speaker sent a sizzling tension through my muscles and just under my skin. Clenching and releasing my jaw, I forced myself not to step too hard-on the gas or the brakes as I took a sharp left. This place wasn’t too far—or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention to distance.

  Either way, my fingers tingled as they tapped on the wheel, and prickles shot down my spine. My eyes narrowed, scanning the sidewalks filled with people on their lunch breaks. High-rises and business buildings rose up tall on either side of the street, and I rolled to a strained stop at a crosswalk. Pulling up onto the curb a few dozen feet away from the Speakeasy, I turned the car off and shored up every ounce of hope I could muster that Hailey would at least listen to what I had to say.

  After all, the person she met, and the man I was now, were very different.

  Climbing out of the car, I shut the door and shoved the keys into my pocket on my way onto the sidewalk. Only briefly did my gaze flicker to the patio that jutted from the building set far back, but it was far too hot out for anyone to be comfortable there. Striding to the front door on stiff legs, I reached to rake my hand through my hair as my heart thundered loudly in my ears.

  I hadn’t been so nervous to see a girl since my 8th grade formal, and I inhaled a deep, steadying breath as I grabbed the shiny, brass door handle. The Speakeasy was draped in a light atmosphere, and the unmistakable smell of freshly baked bread wafted into my nostrils at the slightest crack in the door. My abdomen tightened, and I held my breath as I stepped through the threshold to scan the rows upon rows of booths and tables.

  Hailey’s familiar, bright hair reflected the sunlight streaming through huge picture windows, and I made a beeline for her without thought. Her sisters sat around her, with a child that couldn’t be older than 4, a 2-year-old, and four car seats that took up two tables pushed up against their booth.

  My heart slammed against its cage erratically, only worsening the closer I came, and a cold sw
eat slicked my palms as Hailey reached into a seat. Her expression softened, light, sky blue eyes shimmering as her lips stretched in a smile, and she carefully hoisted a tiny baby out of the seat.

  Blood pounded in my ears, drowning out the droning of quiet conversation as my narrowed eyes locked on a head of fine, jet black hairs no longer than my pinky finger. Pausing mid-step, I sucked in a sharp breath that whistled through the air, and Hailey’s familiar gaze zeroed in on my face.

  But I couldn’t take my eyes off the infant as she squawked loudly, nuzzling her mother’s breast hungrily.

  “A- Anthony…?” Hailey’s horrified, shocked whisper drew my gaze, and suddenly all three of her sisters were staring at me.

  “Anthony?” The collectively surprised chorus that sputtered out my name sent goosebumps washing my arms, and I clenched my hands into tight fists. My thoughts swirled in an uncontrollable maelstrom while my heart beat so hard it threatened to crack a rib. Taking a mindless step forward, I opened my mouth before my eyes drifted back to the infant, but nothing came out.

  Blinking hard, I snapped my jaw shut to grind my teeth harshly, and I inhaled sharply through flared nostrils before walking the few feet to Hailey’s table. My mind scrambled to find something to say—anything—even though I couldn’t make a coherent thought, and my gaze flickered to Hailey’s face to find her pale and gaunt.

  “Why?” The question squeezed past the lump in my throat, and the bubble surrounding us was popped by it to create shockwaves that rattled my bones. Hailey’s eyes widened to the point that I could barely see her pretty irises, and her mouth dropped open only to exhale soundless air. “Why didn’t you tell me…?”

  “I… I… wait, Anth—” Leaning down, I braced one hand on the back of the booth as Hailey cut herself off to gasp, and I could smell whatever soup she’d been eating without even breathing. She didn’t tense, though, and a hard drum beat sounded against my skull before I tore my eyes off her to look down.

  Milky, grey-blue eyes stared up at me in wonder, and my heart squeezed painfully in its cage. Upside down to her, the infant blinked blearily, but she was quiet even as her tiny fingers clenched and released against Hailey’s shirt. I had been around my fair share of babies, but this one was the most angelic, beautiful—God, there weren’t enough words to describe her.

  And she was mine.

  That thought shattered my mind into billions of tiny pieces, and I carefully reached with my free hand to stroke her cheek. Her head turned automatically, mouth open, and a wide smile curved my lips at her squeak when nothing grazed her tongue.

  “Anthony, please…” Hailey’s soft murmur only pulled a grunt from me, and I slipped my finger into the baby’s palm. She’s got a strong grip. “I can’t do this right now—I need to go back to work.”

  “I’ll take her.” Speaking up firmly, I tore my eyes off the baby to watch surprise flicker through Hailey’s. Panic struck my chest and pounded against my skull, and I opened my mouth only to blurt out the exact opposite of what I wanted to say. “I’ll watch her until you get off.”

  “Uh… uh… I…” Clenching my jaw tightly as Hailey stammered in uncertainty, I found myself desperately hoping she said ‘no’; I had no fucking idea how to take care of an infant. My only experience was holding Stu’s baby grand-niece a few times, but that was nearly 4 years ago.

  Shit, shit, shit…

  “He can come to my house with us, H.” Hailey’s gaze flew to one of her sisters, and my heartbeats stretched longer and harder as indecision played on her face. “It’s okay. He can follow me. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

  Holding my breath, the sweat that broke out underneath my jacket cooled some as I turned my gaze to Kelly. She had this understanding glint in her eye—like she knew I hadn’t meant to say what I said, and she was throwing me a bone.

  “Oh… okay. Yeah… that would be fine.” All of the tension left my body, and I exhaled a harsh breath. My mind refused to keep up with what was happening around me, and I straightened to rake my hands through my hair.

  What the fuck is going on?

  Chapter 10

  Hailey

  Creeping into Kelly’s house, I almost managed a sigh of relief at the silence that rang in my ears until Anthony’s broad, muscly body lifted itself from the sofa. Freezing at the harsh glare he shot me, my body tingled with painful intensity as he stormed the short distance between us to shut the door. My purse hit the floor when he pushed me against the barrier, and he didn’t break eye contact even once as he braced both palms on either side of my head.

  “What the fuck, Hailey?” Goosebumps washed my body, apprehension seizing my chest at the thunderous, pissed off growl, and Anthony’s eyes blazed fiercely as they bored into mine. “Answer me this time—why the fuck did you think this was okay? In what fucking universe would this ever be fucking okay?”

  “… I didn’t think you’d want her…” Anthony’s heavy tone demanded I respond, and my voice trembled as he went rigid against me. “It was an a—”

  Clamping his hand on my mouth, he squeezed until my face ached as his eyes turned into orbs of pure, blue fire. My lungs shivered as fear slithered down my spine, and he gnashed his teeth at me like an animal.

  “Don’t—don’t fucking say it.” The vicious command weighed heavily on my shoulders, and Anthony forced himself to take a short step back and hoover up air through flared nostrils. “You shouldn’t have made that decision by yourself—you don’t know me or what I want.”

  The shock of Anthony’s ambush was washed away by the accusation in his tone, and I jabbed my finger into his chest. Righteous anger sloshed violently into my chest, spurring my brain into action as venom dribbled from my tongue.

  “Fuck you—okay? You’re right, we don’t know each other. You just drove me crazy and left. What was I supposed to think, huh? That you’d want a baby with a woman you don’t know that lives across the damn country? After the way you treated me?”

  Anthony went a furious, red-purple at my own accusations, but the guilt that flashed in his eyes was just as bright; I couldn’t hide the hurt from my tone, and my lower lip wobbled dangerously as my eyes stung.

  “Don’t put this on me, Anthony. You think I didn’t want to call you? But what if you abandoned me—us—when reality set in? What if you tried to take her away? What was I supposed to say when she starts asking? That her daddy didn’t want her? That he just gave me money and considered that being a good parent?”

  Anthony was silent at my barrage of questions, and I tore my eyes off him so he couldn’t see the tears that built up against my lids. My shallow breaths were the only noise in the room, and I wrapped my arms around myself as my heart strained.

  Warm, strong palms anchored against my back, and my tears fell in force while he hugged me to his chest. His familiar smell wiggled through my clogged nostrils to fog my brain, but his words rang crystal clear regardless.

  “I’m sorry, Hailey. I didn’t think of that.” Murmuring softly into the crown of my head, Anthony sighed heavily while thick droplets stained his button-down. “I’m here now, though. I’m not going back.”

  Clearly, Anthony didn’t expect a response, and I wasn’t sure I was capable of sputtering more than a single syllable. Taking the warmth and strength he provided, I released the day’s stress in a deluge of tears and snot. Shivering wildly, I leaned heavily on him while my knees wobbled threateningly, and he simply stroked my back comfortingly.

  “… Why are you here, Anthony?” Croaking slightly, I sniffled hard, and Anthony’s heart beat steadily against my cheek even as he inhaled.

  “I took some time off to decide if I wanted to keep control of my father’s companies or say ‘fuck it’ and resign. I chose here specifically… because it’s the only place I’ve ever been where the distractions work.”

  Pulling back slightly, I peeked up at Anthony through thick lashes, and he cracked a smirk. Dragging over my shoulders and up my neck, his palms cupped my jaw firm
ly as his thumbs massaged just under my ears. Pleasure shot down my spine, and I closed my eyes to roll my bottom lip between my teeth.

  “I’m not going to lie, Hailey—I’ve wanted to ditch my father and everything he forced on me for a long time… that’s why I was in such a bad mood back then. I didn’t want to be here taking care of shit I have no interest in like stocks and brokerage.”

  “But why are you here? Why did you look for me?” Emphasizing carefully, I could almost see Anthony’s lips thinning behind my eyelids, and he didn’t answer immediately. My mind whirred, but I could barely follow my racing thoughts with him treating me so nicely.

  “I came looking for you because I wanted to apologize for what I did to you. I shouldn’t have looked at your face—I realized it on the plane. I thought I hurt you… so, I left and let someone that knew you better take care of you. It was wrong—all of it was a huge mess, and I was hoping you’d forgive me.”

  Forcing open my eyes, I caught Anthony’s gaze to find guilt and shame swimming freely, and my heart stuttered in my chest.

  “I want to make it up to you. I did a lot of reorganizing in California, and I want to make up for how I treated you.”

  “The last time you made it up to me, I got pregnant.” The flippant declaration flew from my lips before I could stop it, and my pupils widened as his expression twisted somewhere between a smirk and a grimace.

  “Then I’ll do it properly—no sex. No B.D. … I want to make this work, Hailey. My dad cared more about his businesses than he did about me—I refuse to let that happen now.”

  My breath caught in my throat when Anthony full on frowned, and I nodded dumbly before he released a heavy breath that rolled down the bridge of my nose. “Thank you, Hailey.”

  Hugging me tightly to his chest, Anthony squeezed the nape of my neck, and I closed my eyelids tight under furrowed brows. Disbelief coursed through me even as relief surged through my veins and into my heart like a tsunami. Wheezing a slight exhale, I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist, and he held me even tighter.