The Puzzle Lady vs. the Sudoku Lady

by Parnell Hall

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “How dare you!”

  “I apologize for the word ‘old,’ Your Honor. I don’t like it much myself. But look what’s happening here. You all gang up on this gal, say she can’t have her client. When she objects, you tell her she’s not allowed to speak for herself, she has to get an outside attorney. There don’t happen to be any in this town, so she’s going to have to go to New York, which is going to take some time. Are you willing to give her a continuance until next week to allow her to obtain outside counsel? During which time, of course, she would retain both clients.”

  District Attorney Henry Firth almost fell over himself spouting objections.

  Judge Hobbs again banged the gavel. “Sit down, Mr. Firth. The court takes note of your unwillingness to stipulate.”

  “You see, Your Honor,” Cora said, “we are sort of at an impasse. This is something that should be cleared up now. I would think that you, as a long-time proponent of equal rights, would want to see that women have every opportunity to have the same advantages as the men in the community.” She stole a look at the TV cameras. “Because, if there is one thing we are in Bakerhaven, Connecticut, it is modern, progressive, and fairminded. We’re not some bigoted, close-minded, small town community, clinging to antiquated perceptions and hopelessly behind the times. Are we, Your Honor?”

  Judge Hobbs opened his mouth. Closed it again. Looked at the TV cameras. Wondered what he could possibly say that wouldn’t leave him looking like a moron. It didn’t help his disposition to realize that his taking so long to answer was creating exactly that impression. “There is no cause for speeches. Nor is there cause for any theatrics. We have a simple situation here, easily resolved. If you want to speak for Ms. Baldwin, feel free. Though I hope you won’t expect special treatment in light of your lack of courtroom experience.”

  “Of course not. In Your Honor’s courtroom, I would expect simple logic to prevail.”

  “Good. You can start by removing that coat.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You are wearing an overcoat in my courtroom. It is not proper attire. Take it off.”

  “Really, Your Honor, this is just what I was talking about. Would you object to the way a male attorney was dressed?”

  “I would if he was wearing a trench coat. Take it off.”

  “I’d rather not, Your Honor.”

  “Why? It’s not cold. Do you contend that you are cold in my courtroom?”

  “No, Your Honor.”

  “Then there’s no reason for that overcoat.”

  “Actually, there is, Your Honor.”

  “Oh? And what is that?”

  “I would prefer not to say. I have personal reasons for wearing this coat. I do not wish to state them in open court. Commanding me to do so is invading my privacy.”

  Judge Hobbs stared at her, stymied.

  “Oh, Your Honor,” Henry Firth said. “We are getting far afield. This is a simple matter of conflict of interest. The facts are indisputable. I would suggest that these theatrics are merely a distraction to keep us from our purpose.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen. Miss Felton, we shall address the matter of your attire later in my chambers. At which time I will decide whether your refusal to comply with my simple request should not be construed as contempt of court.”

  Cora smiled. “Thank you, Your Honor.”

  There was a ripple of laughter in the courtroom. Judge Hobbs silenced it with his gavel. “Mr. Firth, make your case.”

  “I already did.”

  “What?”

  “Minami. Dennis Pride. They have conflicting interests in the murder of Thelma Wilson, and she represents them both.”

  “Thank you. That’s concise, to the point, and would seem to be definitive. Miss Felton, what do you say to that?”

  “I would have to agree, Your Honor. I think the prosecutor put it very well.”

  “Is he correct?”

  “Very rarely, Your Honor. In Vegas you could probably make a living asking his opinion and betting the other way.”

  “There is no cause for levity. People are dead.”

  “Exactly. Which is why people are suspected and Becky Baldwin is defending them.”

  “I think we all understand the situation. How do you resolve the conflict of interest?”

  “I don’t think it exists.”

  Henry Firth lunged to his feet.

  “I know the district attorney thinks that it does, but he can’t prove it. In fact, the minute he examines the case with any reasonable degree of scrutiny, I think he will see that the interests of the two clients in question are identical and complement each other, rather than raising any conflict.”

  “That is your contention?” Henry Firth said.

  “Absolutely,” Cora told him.

  The prosecutor smiled. “Well, Your Honor. It would seem to me that the burden of proof has been shifted onto her.”

  “I think so, too,” Judge Hobbs said. He added dryly, “Though I must say, I am not as thrilled about it as you are. Miss Felton, you claim the interests of Dennis Pride and Minami are identical?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Do you have any evidence to back up that assertion?”

  “Of course.”

  Judge Hobbs nodded in weary resignation. “Very well. Make your case.”

  Cora Felton strode to the middle of the courtroom. She was quite a striking figure in the long tweed coat. “I take it you will not be persuaded by my own assurance?”

  “I most certainly will not.”

  “Then I will have to call witnesses. Let’s start with Chief Harper. He’s certainly an interested party.”

  Surprised and none too pleased, Chief Harper took the stand.

  “You want to swear him in, Your Honor, or can we assume he’s going to tell the truth?”

  “Do you intend to call other witnesses?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Can the same be said of them?”

  “You mean can I vouch for their veracity? Not in every case.”

  “Then I’m not going to let you single out which ones to believe. Swear him in.”

  “Suits me, Your Honor.”

  Cora waited while the chief was sworn in, then began her questioning. “Chief Harper, you’ve just sworn to tell the truth.”

  “Yes, I have.”

  “Were you going to tell it anyway?”

  “Objection,” Henry Firth said. “What is the point of this inquiry?”

  “I was willing to take him at his word,” Cora said. “Since that didn’t happen, I think he should be allowed to clear his good name.”

  “Oh, Your Honor. Could we put an end to these manipulative theatrics?”

  “We can. It is hereby directed that we do. Miss Felton, you are trying the patience of the court. Please get to the point.”

  “Chief Harper, you arrested the suspect, Minami, the Sudoku Lady, on suspicion of murder?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Did you arrest her on more than one occasion?”

  “Yes.”

  “For the same crime?”

  “No. For two separate crimes. The murder of Sheila Preston and the murder of Thelma Wilson.”

  “How did that come to happen?”

  “I arrested her for the murder of Sheila Preston on the testimony of the eyewitness, Thelma Wilson.”

  “Was that the only evidence against her?”

  “Objection! Miss Felton is a friend of the defense counsel. This is a blatant attempt to get the prosecution to reveal its case.”

  “So what?”

  “What do you mean, ‘So what?’ It’s improper.”

  “Why? Does your whole case revolve around surprising the defendant? Are you afraid you can’t convict her on the facts alone?”

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “That will do. Miss Felton, I am aware that you have a facility with words. But that does not allow you to circumvent proper legal pr
ocedure. It is not proper to ask a police officer to outline the prosecutor’s case.”

  “Surely I’m allowed to ask what evidence he arrested her on.”

  “Go ahead. But don’t overstep your bounds.”

  “Chief Harper, did you arrest Minami solely on the testimony of Thelma Wilson?”

  “I arrested her on the grounds that she left the murder scene and then returned to it. And by the fact that a sudoku was found on the body. She is, after all, the Sudoku Lady.”

  “And why did you arrest her for the murder of Thelma Wilson?”

  “Thelma Wilson was the chief witness against her. No sooner was she released from jail than Thelma Wilson was killed. Once again, a sudoku was found next to the body.”

  “Thank you, Chief. That’s all.”

  “Would the prosecutor care to cross-examine?”

  “There’s no need, Your Honor. Miss Felton is making my case for me. She’s just proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the defendant is in need of counsel.”

  “There’s no need for a speech,” Judge Hobbs said irritably. “The court notes you decline to cross-examine. Chief Harper, you may step down. Miss Felton, call your next witness.”

  “That’s a problem, Your Honor. I’d like to call Thelma Wilson. She could clear this right up. Unfortunately, she’s dead.”

  “What a shame the defendant happened to kill the very person who could have cleared her,” Henry Firth said sarcastically.

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “That will do. Would you like to call anyone who’s still living?”

  “Call Dennis Pride.”

  “Objection, Your Honor.”

  “On what grounds?”

  “Dennis Pride is a suspect in this investigation. As such, he needs to be represented by counsel.”

  “There she sits.”

  “He can’t be represented by her. It’s a conflict of interest.”

  Cora waggled her fingers. “Sorry. You can’t use that argument. That is yet to be determined. Or we wouldn’t be here.”

  Dennis Pride stepped up to the witness stand, with very much of the star persona he affected in his role as the lead singer of his band—cocky, arrogant, self-assured. “No problem, Your Honor. I waive my right to counsel at this hearing. I have nothing to fear and nothing to hide. I am just as eager to get this straightened out as anyone.”

  “Well, that’s a refreshing attitude,” Judge Hobbs said.

  “Refreshing, hell,” Henry Firth said. “I don’t care how disingenuous this young man is. If I have to charge him with something, he’ll start singing a different tune—how whatever he said is inadmissible because he was deprived of counsel.”

  “Are you thinking of charging him?” Cora said. “Believe me, Minami will be relieved.”

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “That will do. Everyone is aware that there are two parties involved. We do not need to be constantly reminded. If this young man wants to testify, swear him in.”

  Dennis took the oath.

  Cora said, “Dennis, I know this is a ticklish situation. I’m not going to ask anything that might get you into trouble. Let’s start with a few preliminaries. You were being blackmailed by Thelma Wilson?”

  Henry Firth jumped to his feet. “Objection! After that fine speech about this young man not needing representation, she comes out and accuses him of a crime!”

  “I don’t think being blackmailed is a crime, Your Honor. Blackmail is, but no one’s charging Thelma Wilson.”

  “Nonetheless, Miss Felton, you are treading a very fine line.”

  “Might I point out that the witness hasn’t answered the question?”

  “I haven’t ruled on the objection.”

  “That’s probably why, Your Honor.”

  A ripple of amusement ran through the crowd. Once again, Judge Hobbs wondered what he could possibly do that would not make him seem more foolish.

  “I want to answer, Your Honor,” Dennis said. “Only my attorney has advised me not to.”

  “Your attorney?”

  “Becky Baldwin.”

  “Ms. Baldwin, have you so advised your client?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Well, there you are. We have a clear-cut conflict of interest. It is obviously in your other client’s best interests to have him answer.”

  “I fail to see why, Your Honor.”

  “You fail to see why?”

  “With all due respect, Your Honor—”

  “Excuse me,” Cora said, “but I believe I am speaking in Ms. Baldwin’s behalf. I would like to point out that as attorney in this case, Ms. Baldwin is privy to some facts to which you, the judge, are not. And to which the prosecutor is not. I would like to point out that that is right and proper, and within the scope of a defense attorney. She is under no obligation to make any of this information available to anyone. In fact, during the course of the trial, she is not obliged to put on any evidence whatsoever but may merely attack the prosecutor’s side of the case. And many defenses have been waged and won on that notion. If, however, she is astute enough to realize that her client’s case cannot be compromised by the withholding of evidence that is irrelevant to the situation, there can be no conflict to resolve.”

  “Once again,” Henry Firth said, “the woman is making an assertion that is unsupported by facts. I defy her to produce any evidence to back up this wild assertion.”

  “Miss Felton,” Judge Hobbs said, “I understand your contention. But your argument is unconvincing. I am still waiting to hear something of substance.”

  “Very well,” Cora said, “call Minami.”

  The Sudoku Lady rose from her seat next to Becky Baldwin, and in full geisha garb trailing clouds of silk, paraded to the witness stand.

  “You are calling the defendant?” Judge Hobbs said, incredulously.

  “I have no objection, Your Honor,” Henry Firth put in brightly.

  “I’m sure you don’t. But her attorney should object. Ms. Baldwin. You are this woman’s attorney?”

  Becky smiled. “That is what this hearing is to determine.”

  “But you claim to be her attorney?”

  “I am her attorney. Unless you rule otherwise.”

  “And you are allowing her to take the stand?”

  “Absolutely, Your Honor.”

  “She will not only be questioned by Cora Felton but she will also be interrogated by the district attorney. Who, no doubt, will give her a rigorous interrogation.”

  “I’m sure he will, Your Honor. And I’m sure it won’t hurt her in the least. My client is innocent and has nothing to hide.”

  “If she has nothing to hide, why won’t you let her tell her story?” Henry Firth blurted out.

  “Oh, Your Honor,” Cora Felton said, “I assign that remark as a blatant attempt to castigate the defendant for exercising her constitutional rights.”

  “I fear it is,” Judge Hobbs said. “Though I appreciate the frustration from which it sprang. Mr. Firth, if you could attempt to control your temper.”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Ms. Baldwin. Before we proceed further, let me make one more attempt to clarify the situation. You do understand that should your client reveal something that was damaging to her in the course of this examination, the only grounds on which she could argue for it being inadmissible during the trial, would be that she was inadequately represented by an incompetent attorney, whose ineptitude was so great as to constitute legal malpractice.”

  “Well put, Your Honor,” Cora said. “Becky, did you hear that? If you mess up, the only way she gets off is proving you’re a dummy. Is that okay with you?”

  Becky smiled. “This may surprise you, but I understood the situation even without your interpretation. Your Honor, I am concerned for neither my client’s safety nor my own. May we continue?”

  Judge Hobbs scowled. “One moment. Should it turn out that you have jeopardized your client’s safety in an effort not to lose your client, that would
not be taken lightly.”

  Cora smiled. “I think no one could claim she has not been duly warned, Your Honor.”

  “Very well. As long as that is understood, you may proceed.”

  “Thank you, Your Honor. Minami, you are known in Japan as the Sudoku Lady?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Just as I am known as the Puzzle Lady over here?”

  “Yes.”

  “Tell me something. When sudoku are found at crime scenes in Japan, do the police consider you a suspect?”

  Minami smiled. “They do not. They ask for my help. In my own country I have actually assisted the police in solving several crimes.”

  “So you don’t feel the presence of sudoku puzzles at crime scenes should reflect adversely on you?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “I’m sorry. There were sudoku at the crime scenes. That doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”

  “Of course not. What a silly idea.”

  “You think it’s silly that the police consider you a suspect?”

  “Of course it is. I didn’t kill anyone.”

  “Oh, Your Honor,” Henry Firth said, “this is not testimony. This is just a self-serving declaration. I’m sure if we let her, this woman could go on proclaiming her innocence all afternoon. Her bland assurance is not evidence. Any more than her attorney’s assurance that her legal rights are not being compromised.”

  “I quite agree,” Judge Hobbs said. “Miss Felton, we take your point. Could you move things along?”

  “Yes, Your Honor. Minami, you know that Dennis Pride received a blackmail letter from Thelma Wilson?”

  “I don’t know it for a fact. I heard you say so.”

  “Exactly. Tell me, did Thelma Wilson send you a blackmail letter?”

  The question produced an uproar in the courtroom.

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “Order! Order in the court! Miss Felton, were you an attorney, I would assign that question as misconduct, betraying the rights of the client you were sworn to protect. As you are a layperson speaking for Becky Baldwin, such is not the case. Nonetheless, I would expect the woman’s attorney to object.”