The Puzzle Lady vs. the Sudoku Lady

by Parnell Hall

  “I have no objection,” Becky said.

  “And I certainly have no objection,” Henry Firth added.

  “Well, someone should object,” Judge Hobbs said. “The woman is the defendant in a murder case. The question is highly detrimental to her well-being, establishing a clear-cut motive for the crime.”

  “Oh, pooh,” Cora said, “she has a motive for the murder, Your Honor. Everyone knows that. We’ll stipulate to it.”

  Judge Hobbs’s eyes were bugging out of his head. “You can’t stipulate to it! You’re not an attorney!”

  “Well, they make you go to law school,” Cora said. “I’m sick of school.”

  “Miss Felton, this is no laughing matter. You’re not an attorney, but you can be held in contempt of court. I’ve warned you before, and I’m warning you again. Have some respect for the courtroom.”

  “Yes, Your Honor. But if we’re going to clear up this minor matter of whether these clients can share representation, we have to examine the facts. And the fact is, this woman got a blackmail note. If you’d rather have her attorney stipulate to it, I understand.”

  Becky stood up. “I’m willing to stipulate to the note, Your Honor.”

  Judge Hobbs glowered. “You realize you’re just digging yourself in deeper.”

  Becky smiled. “Not at all, Your Honor. The facts of the case exonerate me, just as they do my client. I know it perfectly well, and, if we’re allowed to advance them, you’ll know it, too.”

  “Now you’re bordering on contempt of court.”

  “I’m sorry. No disrespect meant, Your Honor, but it’s hard to establish your innocence when people keep telling you not to.”

  “You claim this blackmail note demonstrates your client’s innocence?”

  “Only incidentally, Your Honor. With regard to the matter at hand, it demonstrates why I should be free to act as her attorney. I would like to reiterate that I have been duly warned about my responsibilities to my client and myself and that I know what I am doing. So, if you’ll allow Miss Felton to continue, I think you’ll be satisfied with the results.”

  “If I may continue, Your Honor,” Cora said, “we just established this woman got a blackmail note. I would imagine everyone would like to know something about it. What do you say we find out?”

  Without waiting for the judge to rule, Cora turned back to Minami. “In what form was this blackmail note?”

  “It was a crossword puzzle and a sudoku.”

  The place went wild.

  Chapter 49

  Judge Hobbs nearly broke his gavel, but he finally got the courtroom quieted. “All right, that will do,” he said. “Another outburst of this type, and I will clear the courtroom. The only reason I’m not doing it now is I appreciate the rather spectacular nature of what you just heard. However, the element of surprise is over. Should this happen again, I will clear the court. Miss Felton, you may proceed. I just hope you know what you are doing.”

  “You and me both, Your Honor,” Cora said. “Minami, you just testified you got a blackmail note in the form of a crossword puzzle and a sudoku. How did you get it?”

  “It was delivered to my motel.”

  “Were you there at the time?”

  “No, I was in jail. My niece brought it to me.”

  “Did your niece see who delivered it?”

  “No. It was in an envelope slipped under the door.”

  “Was there anything else in the envelope?”

  “No. Just the crossword puzzle and the sudoku.”

  “What did it say on the envelope?”

  “‘To the Sudoku Lady.’”

  “Was there a return address?”

  “No.”

  “How did you know it was a blackmail note?”

  “The crossword puzzle said so.”

  “What did it say?”

  “‘Sit in jail for a spell. Never fear, I won’t tell.’”

  “Who was it from?”

  “Thelma Wilson.”

  “But you say it wasn’t signed. How could you tell?”

  “There were clues in the puzzle.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. They referred to the sudoku. They told me which numbers to choose.”

  “Could you explain that to the court?”

  “Yes. Clue 17 Across was ‘Horizontal row in sudoku.’ The answer was ‘Fifth.’ That told me to look at the fifth row across.

  “Clue 29 Across was ‘Number of numbers in numbered row.’ The answer was ‘Three.’ That told me to look at the first three numbers in row five.

  “28 Down was ‘With sudoku, address of house you went in.’ The answer was ‘Elm.’

  “With the three numbers from the sudoku, the answer was ‘146 Elm.’”

  “And what did 146 Elm mean to you?”

  “It did not mean anything to me. I had to have my niece look it up.”

  “What did she find?”

  “146 Elm was the address of Sheila Preston.”

  “The woman who was killed?”

  “Yes.”

  “The woman who lived across the street from Thelma Wilson?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Sheila Preston was the woman you were in jail on suspicion of murdering?”

  “That’s right.”

  “So, the sudoku that came with the crossword puzzle turned out to mean something?”

  “Yes, it did.”

  “How about the sudoku found on the body of Sheila Preston? Did that mean anything?”

  “No, it did not.”

  “And the sudoku found with Thelma Wilson. What about that one?”

  “It did not mean anything either.”

  “When the police let you go, did they know about the puzzle and the sudoku your niece found at the motel?”

  “No, they did not.”

  “But you did, and you knew what they meant?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “So, when you got out of jail, did you immediately go kill Thelma Wilson?”

  “No, I did not.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I went to see you.”

  “But not to kill me?”

  “No.”

  “Why did you come to see me?”

  “To tell you I was out of jail. And that the contest could continue.”

  “What contest?”

  “To see who could solve the crime.”

  “And why should we do that?”

  “Because that is what I do in my country. And that is what you do in yours.”

  “I see,” Cora said. “So you came here to challenge me, is that right?”

  Minami nodded. “Yes.”

  Cora unbuttoned her long tweed coat, took it off, and threw it on the defense table. She was wearing a white gi, the Japanese martial arts uniform. She pivoted on Minami and struck a karate pose.

  “Bring it on!”

  Chapter 50

  Judge Hobbs was livid. “Miss Felton! That will do! I warned you about such demonstrations in my courtroom!”

  “Well, I wish you’d make up your mind,” Cora said. “If you recall, you ordered me to take my coat off. I’m only trying to please.”

  “I doubt that very much,” Judge Hobbs said dryly. “You clearly planned this theatrical demonstration. You had better have a good reason why.”

  “Oh, but I do, Your Honor. It goes to the crux of the case. Minami came here to meet me. Why? She said so herself. To take me on. A little friendly competition. The battle of the century. The Sudoku Lady versus the Puzzle Lady. That’s what this is all about.

  “You see, my sudoku books are sold in Japan. It happened that on one particular week, one of my books outsold one of hers. Why, I couldn’t begin to tell you. But probably because I’m new. I’m a novelty. I’m an American. I’m different. Whatever the reason, it happened, and that’s why she’s here. To drum up some business for her first American release. And, by meeting me, create some publicity for her own series back home. I don’t think sh
e ever dreamed how much publicity she was actually going to get. The book isn’t even out yet, and it’s already in the top hundred on Amazon.com. Which would be another motive for the murder. She killed these people to boost her sales. And if you buy that, I have this land in Florida.”

  Cora turned back to the witness. “Minami, you investigated the death of Ida Fielding and concluded it was a murder, did you not?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Based on what evidence?”

  “Just a minute,” Judge Hobbs said. “Despite the fact no one is objecting, I can’t sit idly by. You’re now asking her to incriminate herself in the crime.”

  “Not at all, Your Honor. She isn’t even charged with that murder. Which, in my humble opinion, was never a murder to begin with. However, since you raise the point, Mr. Firth, do you have any intention whatsoever of charging Minami with that crime?”

  “I don’t have to answer to you.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re an elected official. You have to answer to the people. I see a bunch of ’em here. You guys wanna know what really happened?”

  “Oh, Your Honor,” Henry Firth said, “that is clearly improper. Just because she isn’t a lawyer doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to follow legal procedure.”

  “Exactly,” Judge Hobbs said. “Miss Felton, I’m not going to warn you again.”

  “I’m glad to hear it, Your Honor. It is getting annoying.”

  Judge Hobbs banged the gavel. “And that flippant remark will cost you fifty dollars. Do I make myself clear?”

  “Absolutely, Your Honor. I humbly apologize. But I hope my point is well taken. I’m asking Minami about the death of Ida Fielding. Which she has not been charged with and which has not even been ruled a homicide. I would point out that the minute I started that line of questioning, Your Honor said it was not proper because she was a defendant. Suppose I asked her about the Lindbergh kidnapping, for instance. Would you say she can’t answer because she’s a defendant?”

  Judge Hobbs seemed torn between upping the fine to a hundred and answering the question. “You may proceed. But tread lightly, and try not to be facetious.”

  “Yes, Your Honor.” Cora turned back to Minami. “What evidence did you find?”

  “I found evidence the two husbands appeared to have been involved with each other’s wives.”

  “Did that make you think of Strangers on a Train? Referring to an old Alfred Hitchcock film where two men kill each other’s wives. I was wondering if you thought that happened here?”

  “No, I do not.”

  “There,” Cora said. “Was there ever a clearer indication of innocence? The defendant rejects out of hand the suggestion the killer was someone other than herself.”

  “I find that less than persuasive,” Henry Firth said.

  “I find this whole line of argument less than persuasive,” Judge Hobbs ruled. “We have one pseudo-lawyer in karate clothes questioning a defendant who should not be on the stand to begin with. Is it your hope, Miss Felton, that if you make sufficient mockery of the case, the prosecutor will give in and allow Ms. Baldwin to act as her own attorney?”

  “That would be nice, Your Honor. But while we’re here, I’d rather clear the whole thing up.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “I mean the murders. Or should I say murder because, basically, we only have one murder here.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “I’ve been authorized as amicus curiae to speak in the attorney’s behalf.”

  “That’s not what I mean and you know it. The defendant is charged with two murders. What makes you think you can summarily dismiss one?”

  “See, that’s the problem,” Cora said, “you’re talking about two murder charges. But we have three dead women. Any self-respecting serial killer would have done them all. And if the Sudoku Lady is anything, she is not haphazard.”

  “You’re unhappy she’s not charged with all three murders?”

  “Heaven’s no. I’m unhappy she’s charged with any. Because you really can’t have a decent serial killer if someone’s doing his or her work. When I read that in a murder mystery, I throw it across the room. It’s almost as bad as a convoluted courtroom scene where the amateur detective gets away with all kinds of stuff that would never be admissible in a real courtroom.”

  Judge Hobbs was too stupefied to come up with a reprimand. He sat on the bench with his mouth hanging open.

  “Anyway, that’s where you make your big mistake. You think there are three murders, you charge her with two, and then what? After that, nothing’s going to work. Three murders is all wrong. The way I see it, you’ve got one accident, one murder, and one case of self-defense.”

  “Objection! Counsel is making a speech and stating facts not in evidence.”

  “Exactly,” Judge Hobbs said.

  “Then let’s get them in evidence,” Cora said. “If I could withdraw the witness briefly, I can lay the proper groundwork.”

  “Objection,” Henry Firth said. “This woman is not leaving the stand until I have a chance to cross-examine her.”

  “You’ll get your chance,” Cora said. “But when you do, you might as well have some facts to play with. You just objected that they’re not in evidence. Are you telling me you object if they are?”

  Henry Firth looked as befuddled as the judge.

  “So, with your permission, I’d like to withdraw the witness.” Cora put up her hand. “Temporarily. She’s still in your crosshairs. Just long enough to clear up the minor matter of how many crimes we have.”

  “Oh, let her do it,” Judge Hobbs said. “It will take less time than arguing. The witness may step down. Who do you wish to call?”

  “Call Irving Swartzman.”

  “Who?” Henry Firth said.

  “Her agent.”

  “Her literary agent?”

  “Her American literary agent. I assume her Japanese one is in Japan.”

  “What do you expect to prove by him?”

  “I told you. How many crimes we’re talking about.”

  “How would her literary agent know that?”

  “I never said he did. But I need to lay the groundwork to explain my theory.”

  Henry Firth raised his hands. “Whoa! Whoa! You said you were going to introduce some facts. Not lay the groundwork for some absurd flight of fancy. Do you mean this man is just one of several witnesses you intend to call?”

  “I may need to call others,” Cora admitted.

  “Your Honor,” Henry Firth sputtered, “you see what is happening here? She’s taken the defendant off the stand. Now, in the guise of presenting facts, she’s going to call witness after witness to testify to some nebulous theory, just so I can never cross-examine.”

  “Oh, pooh,” Cora said, “I could finish with the witnesses in the time it takes to handle your objections. If anyone is postponing your cross-examination, it’s you.”

  “Your Honor, who’s ruling on my objection, you or her?”

  “I am,” Judge Hobbs said, “but her point is well taken. We’re spending all our time arguing procedure. Let’s hear what the witness has to say. If you don’t like it, you can object to the questions and I’ll rule on your objections. But I would advise you not to be overly technical because it will not speed things along. Mr. Swartzman, take the stand.”

  The flamboyant agent seemed eager to testify. He raised his hand, took the oath, and preened in front of the TV cameras.

  “Your name is Irving Swartzman, you are Minami, the Sudoku Lady’s American agent?”

  “That’s right.”

  “You just heard her on the stand. Do you have any problem with what she said?”

  He seemed surprised by the question. “Of course not.”

  “Mr. Swartzman, how many crimes do you think there are?”

  “I don’t understand the question.”

  “It’s what we’ve been talking about. Of the three women’s deaths, how many of them were mur
der?”

  “I don’t know. I suppose they all are.”

  “You haven’t given it much thought?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “That’s surprising, since your client’s been charged with them. Of course, that hasn’t been bad for you, has it?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “The publicity’s put her on the best-seller list. It couldn’t be more convenient had you planned it.”

  “Well, I assure you I didn’t.”

  “No, I don’t think you did either. But it certainly was a lucky break.”

  “It’s rather callous to think of it that way.”

  “Yes, it is. But I can’t help it. As a result of your client’s being charged with murder, she’s surged past me on Amazon.com. And her book’s not even out yet.”

  “You’re jealous of my client?” Swartzman said incredulously.

  “Absolutely. She’s younger, thinner, prettier, and she’s Asian to boot. If I were her, life would be one big party.”

  Swartzman smirked. “I’m sure it would. I was referring to her sales figures.”

  “Of course you were. That’s your job. That’s why you got her here in the first place. I’m right about that, aren’t I? You’re responsible for her coming here and meeting me. That was to publicize a book.”

  “That’s my job.”

  “Yes, it is. And you do it well. Only this time you tried to do it too well. You overstepped, and that’s what started this whole mess.”

  “Do I hear a question?” Henry Firth said.

  “Sorry. I’ll make it a question. Isn’t it a fact the whole idea of challenging me to solve Ida Fielding’s death came from you?”

  “I may have suggested it.”

  “I thought you might have. It seemed a harmless idea at first. The Puzzle Lady versus the Sudoku Lady. A friendly wager, perhaps some play in the press. Only you pushed a little too hard. I can’t believe a clever woman like Minami would have taken the Ida Fielding death for a murder. Because it clearly was an accidental death. Without any prodding or meddling or friendly wagers, it gets chalked up for what it was, an accident, and that’s the end of it. But that wouldn’t sell any books. So you encouraged Minami to keep it alive.”

  Swartzman smiled. “How do you know it wasn’t a murder?”