The Hard Way

by Katie Ashley

  Yet somehow it did. Within my family, it was a hellish blur of agony. Grammy brought Granddaddy home, and Mom and her brothers rallied around to take care of him. They moved a hospital bed into the living room, so there’d be more room for him to be surrounded by his family. My uncles took turns staying nights. They didn’t want to leave Grammy or my mom by themselves.

  One night, I stayed up with him. It was close to the end, and he’d been sleeping most of the time. I was trying to read a book for my literature class when he opened his eyes and glanced over at me. “Noah,” he whispered.

  “What’s wrong, Granddaddy? You need something?”

  He shook his head. With a weak flick of his wrist, he beckoned me closer. “Want to tell you somethin’.” His voice was gravely and weak as if it took everything in him to speak. I leaned forward as far as I could on my chair beside the bed. My elbows pressed into the metal railings of his hospital bed.

  “I’m right here, Granddaddy.”

  He smiled. “You know, I was so angry when your mama got pregnant. I didn’t want her to keep you. I wanted her to give you to a family who could provide for you better than she could.”

  I gasped as his words stung me. I couldn’t imagine these were the final thoughts he wanted to tell me.

  He gave a little rattle of a laugh. “I ain’t finished, son.”

  I gave him a relieved smile. “Oh, okay.”

  “But the minute you were born, your mama called for me. I went into that room still bound and determined for her to give you up. But there she was holding you to her chest, and the love she had for you was written all over her face. She handed you to me, and I took you in my arms…” Tears welled in Granddaddy’s dark eyes. “And it was instant love. The same love I’d had for my boys and for your mama. I knew right then and there you were meant to be with your mama and with our family.”

  Although I tried fighting them, tears pooled in my eyes and spilled over my cheeks. Damn them! I didn’t want his last sight of me to be that of a blubbering pansy.

  As if he could read my mind, Granddaddy shook his head. “Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, Noah. Experience them and embrace them. They’re what make us alive and strong.”

  I nodded. “I’ll try.”

  “There’s something I want you to have, and I’ve told all the boys.”

  “What is it, Granddaddy?” My mind whirled with possibilities. He wanted me to have his rifle with the silver casing, or the pinky ring his mother had given him. I was off by a long shot.

  “It’s the Sullivan family Bible.” The look on my face betrayed me again because Granddaddy chuckled. “Thought I had a treasure for you, huh?”

  “Maybe.”

  He grinned. “It is a treasure, Noah. It came all the way over from Ireland with my father. It’s been passed down through many generations. It’s supposed to be given to the first son of every family, but I want you to have it.”

  “But why me Granddaddy?”

  “Because you need it. Mike is already the strong head of his family. But you’re missing part of yourself because of your father. This Bible will show you that no matter what happens with him, you’re whole. When you’ve got family who love you and care about you like our family, Noah, you’re a rich man.”

  “Then I’ll take it.”

  He smiled. “Good. And one day years from now, you’ll turn to the words themselves for answers, and when you do, you’ll find more treasure there within its pages.”

  “We’ll see,” I said.

  “Give me a hug, Noah.”

  I leaned over the bed and gathered up his withered form as best I could. I kissed his cheek weathered with age. “I love you, Granddaddy,” I murmured in his ear.

  “I love you, too, Noah.”

  He died the next morning. I cried for two days straight. But when I got to the funeral, I was as stoic as a soldier, even when Alex and my other cousins wailed and boohooed all around me. Of course, I’d been shadowed the whole time. Someone never left my side. We even slept side by side in my bed for the first time since grade school.

  That person was Jake.

  I questioned him why he would want to give up his Friday and Saturday nights to sit at home with me while we took care of Granddaddy. “Dude, that man,” he said, gesturing towards the living room where Granddaddy lay in his hospital bed, “has treated me like I was one of his family since I was five years old. Hell, sometimes he’s treated me better than my own father. I love him just as much as I do my PawPaw.”

  His words had touched me. But it was his actions that were truly heroic. One night, Granddaddy started having seizures, and we had to stay up round the clock to give him medicine under his tongue. Mom and Grammy were worn out by 2:00am, so Jake and I stayed up. Every hour we got up from the couch we shared to give Granddaddy his medicine.

  But now Jake was gone, and the pain was overwhelming. It tore through my chest and into my throat. A suffocating pain like a giant’s hands were squeezing and constricting my lungs. I was ten and under the surface of the water again, and this time there was no Jake to save me. I was going to drown sitting right there on the bench. I had to get out of there—I could no longer breathe or keep this inside me.

  Without a word to anyone, I bolted up from my seat. “Noah?” Maddie asked before I scrambled over her. Even though I wanted to haul ass, I knew I would draw attention to myself if I ran out of the church, so I did my best speed walking down the aisle.

  Bursting through the double doors, I sprinted off the steps and started weaving through the cars in the parking lot. At the edge of the property was an old brush arbor where the church had sometimes met. Old wooden benches were laid out under a wooden awning.

  I collapsed onto one of them. I clamped my hand over my mouth to stop the sobs, but they wouldn’t be contained. They spilled through my fingers and filled the air around me. It was like a dam had collapsed in my mind, and thoughts and emotions coursed through me.

  Suck it up! Be a man!

  It was instant love…..I love you, Noah.

  Don’t let the emotions out. Keep them buried.

  Hey man, don’t make me duct tape you again. You know, I’m here for you no matter what. We’re best buds, remember?

  No one wants to see the real you. Keep it hidden. They won’t love you if they see the real you.

  Suddenly, someone gently touched my shoulder. I jerked away, but the hand found me again. “Noah, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” Maddie whispered into my ear.

  Instead of the comfort I should have felt, mortification flooded through me so hard I shuddered. No. No. No! She hadn’t seen me like this. This was a fucking nightmare. As much as I hated admitting it to myself, I’d felt a flicker of something for her—something I didn’t know what the hell was, and I hoped she was feeling something too. But how could she now after seeing me a blubbering pansy?

  Finally, I dared myself to look up at her. Tears streamed down her cheeks. There was such acceptance and understanding of me along with my pain in her eyes that I didn’t want to run away. Instead, I reached out to grab her hips, pulling her to me. Without hesitation, I buried my head in her waist. She cradled my head in her arms, running her fingers through hair.

  I didn’t run away from my emotions. I let them envelop me. I wept openly and without shame, and for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.

  When I finally finished, I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand. Maddie eased down beside me on the bench. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about spazzing out like that.”

  “Oh Noah, you don’t have to apologize. You’ve just lost your best friend. It’s totally understandable,” Maddie argued.

  “It’s not just about Jake…”

  Her dark brows rose in surprise. “Oh?”

  I nodded. “My grandfather was the only dad I’ve ever known. He passed away two years ago. That was his favorite song you guys were singing,” I explained.

  Reaching over, Maddie took h
er hand in mine. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Thanks,” I murmured. Feeling revived, I squeezed her hand. The smile she gave me warmed my heart. We sat in silence for a few minutes before Maddie hopped up. When I glanced up at her, she grinned wickedly at me. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  My eyebrows jerked up in surprise. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Yeah, but what about your parents?”

  She shrugged. “They’ll understand.”

  With a force that surprised me, she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me off the bench. I led her over to my Jeep, and within a few seconds, we were pealing out of the church parking lot like runaway sinners. “So what exactly did you have in mind for our mad escape?” I asked.

  Maddie cut her eyes over at me. “I wanted to do something that would get your mind off things. So what’s something you usually do when you’re upset?”

  “Get drunk.”

  I expected her to gasp and immediately start praying for me. But she only raised her eyebrows. “Is that right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hmm,” she murmured. She gazed out the window and then pointed. “Pull in there.”

  It was Baskin Robbins. I whipped it into a parking space and turned to look at her.

  Maddie motioned to the building. “Well, you have your way of coping, but this is what I do when I get upset.”

  I couldn’t help but grin back at her. “Wow, I don’t know if I should get involved in hard stuff like ice cream.”

  “Whatever,” she murmured as she hopped out of the Jeep.

  I followed her up the walkway to the store and held open the door for her. Sugary sweet aromas filled my nose as we strolled up to the counter.

  “So what are you getting?” Maddie asked, as we peered up at the menu.

  “Probably a chocolate cone.”

  Elbowing me playfully, Maddie asked, “Just a cone? Where’s your sense of adventure?”

  I grinned. “Like I said. I don’t want to go all hardcore—I hear it’s easy to get addicted. I wanna say outta Ice Cream Rehab if you don’t mind!”

  Maddie giggled. “I guess you’re right. Better stay on the safe side with your itty, bitty cone,” she teased.

  “Hey now,” I countered as the guy cleared his throat to take our orders. I motioned for Maddie to go first. “I’ll have a build your own sundae with vanilla, chocolate chip, and strawberry ice cream with hot fudge, wet nuts, sprinkles, and whipped cream.”

  “Good lord, you’re really going to eat that?” I asked.

  “Mmmmm, hmmm,” she answered.

  “I’ll be surprised if you don’t go into a sugar-induced coma first.”

  “I just might.” She then nudged me. “Wanna try it with me?”

  I shot her a skeptical look. “Are you kidding?”

  “Nope.”

  “All right.”

  “Great!” she exclaimed. “Will you give us two spoons please?”

  The cashier nodded. Before Maddie could reach into her purse, I thrust a five into the cashier’s hand.

  Maddie shook her head maniacally back and forth. “No, Noah, I meant to treat you,” she protested.

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “But-”

  Maddie continued to argue, but I interrupted her. “It’s a treat just being with you,” I quipped.

  “Whatever,” she laughed.

  Her laugh, coupled with her expression, sent warmth tingling over me. I don’t know what it was about her laugh that got to me. I’d never given former girlfriends laughter much thought. Of course, no girl seemed as amused or entertained by me as Maddie did.

  I took our massive sundae over to a table while Maddie got us napkins. I’d barely gotten my spoon raised when she was already devouring her side.

  “Hey now, you gotta pace yourself!” I cried.

  She grinned sheepishly. “I know. I’m just hungry that’s all.”

  “Oh, I interrupted your dinner, right?”

  “No, you didn’t,” she said. I could tell she was lying by the way she ducked her head and refused to meet my gaze.

  I smiled. “You should have said something. I would’ve taken you to get something to eat.”

  “I’m fine.” When I started to protest again, she shook her head. “Wednesday’s dinner is always potluck at the church. It’s nothing exciting, I promise.”

  “If you’re sure…I mean, we can still get dinner.”

  Maddie gave me a dimpled smile. “We’ll see.”

  We enjoyed the sugary goodness in silence for a few seconds. Then Maddie cleared her throat. “So…I was just thinking about what happened earlier and was wondering if you wanted to talk about your grandfather?” she tentatively asked.

  Once again, she was Miss Pushy with the feelings stuff. I guess I couldn’t blame her. Her dad was a minister, so she was used to problem solving. Even though she had made me feel better earlier, I wasn’t really up for anymore soul searching.

  I shook my head. “No, not really.”

  She gave a quick bob of her head. “Okay, we don’t have to.”

  But I as looked up at her, there was something so accepting in her eyes that I suddenly found myself talking. Seriously, it was like I was purging myself of word vomit. It came spewing out of my mouth, and I couldn’t stop. I told her about him taking me fishing, learning how to play guitar, and even about our last conversation. That’s when I saw the tears glistening in her dark eyes.

  “Those are really beautiful memories, Noah,” she said softly.

  I shrugged. “Whatever,” I mumbled as we finished off the sundae. “So what about you?”

  Maddie raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

  “What’s your story?”

  “I don’t really have a story.”

  I snorted exasperatedly. “Sure you do. Everyone has a story.”

  “I’m kinda boring, I guess,” Maddie said.

  “I doubt that.”

  “No, really I am.”

  “Then tell me what’s boring about you,” I urged.

  Maddie cleared her throat. “Um, well, I’m not like other girls my age, but I’m okay with that.”

  “So why aren’t you like other girls?”

  She twisted her napkin nervously in her hands. “Well, I don’t party, I don’t drink, and I don’t believe in having sex until you’re in a longstanding, committed relationship or at least engaged.”

  Ouch, that last answer literally hit me hard below the belt. “You really don’t?”

  She shook her head. “No, but you do, don’t you?”

  Her question caught me off guard. “Well, yeah, I mean I have done it if that’s what you’re asking.”

  I expected her to blush, but instead, she laughed. “No, that’s not what I was asking, but thanks for letting me know.”

  With a grin, I replied, “Sure.”

  Maddie cocked her head at me. “Did you at least love them?”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “Not the first girl. But the others, yeah, I guess so. I mean, I was in a relationship with them at the time. I’ve never been a player like Jake.”

  Maddie’s expression momentarily darkened at the mention of Jake, but she quickly recovered. “I can understand it when you love someone. It’s having sex with a stranger or someone you hardly care about that I can’t imagine. For me,” she emphasized. “I just look at sex like a gift.”

  Instantly an R-rated fantasy flickered through my mind that featured her wrapped in nothing but a giant, red bow. After shimmying it off her creamy, white shoulders, her perfect Double D’s would be exposed. I shifted in my seat at the thought of taking them into my hands and my mouth. Then I would bring my fingers to her—

  “Noah?”

  “Huh?”

  Her dark brows furrowed. “I asked if you were okay. You were moaning.”

  Oh fuck. My eyes widened in horror. “Sorry. I was just…um…” Shit, how the hell was I going to get out of
this one? “I guess I was just groaning more than anything when I thought about how your beliefs on sex must have seemed to Jake.”

  “Well, I can’t say he agreed with me, but he did respect my beliefs,” Maddie replied.

  “He did?”

  “Yes. He knew we were never going to be friends with benefits or anything like that.”

  “I’m sure that bummed him out greatly,” I said, with a grin.

  Color flooded her cheeks a little. “I guess so.”

  My last statement unsettled both us. Maddie must’ve been desperate to change the subject because she suddenly started gathering up our trash while I couldn’t help but wonder if her reaction had anything to do with Jake’s true feelings and the ring. Once again, I couldn’t help wondering if Maddie was her. That caused a slow burn to radiate through my chest.

  Maddie snapped me back to attention when she rose out of her seat. “Come on, let’s go get your mom some flowers.”

  “Okay.”

  All the florists were closed, so we headed to the Publix across the street. I eyed the colorful bouquets before glancing over at Maddie who was inhaling the roses. Suddenly, I found myself blurting, “Why do chicks dig flowers so much?”

  Maddie grinned. “It’s not just ‘chicks’ who dig them. I mean, you send flowers for all kind of reasons.”

  “Fruity reasons,” I said.

  “Now that’s not true. The winners at the Kentucky Derby get flowers and the Gold Medal winners get roses at the Olympics,” she protested.

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “Flowers just say things that words sometimes can’t say.”

  A funny feeling rippled through my chest. “Kinda like song lyrics, huh?”

  Maddie gave me an odd look. “Yeah, I guess so.” She glanced back at the bouquets. “So which one of these says, ‘Mom, I’m sorry for being a mega-sized, selfish jerk’?”

  “Hey, watch it now,” I argued.

  She laughed. “Do you want my opinion or not?”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Do I have a choice?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Then let me have it.”