The Hard Way

by Katie Ashley

  “Well, isn’t that sweet?” I snapped.

  The tears pooling in Mom’s blue eyes spilled over her cheeks. Although I did feel instant regret for hurting her feelings, the sadistic part of me was glad she was able to see how much I was hurting. In the end, I didn’t know why I was being such an ass, but just the very thought of her being pregnant infuriated me.

  Mom drew in a few deep breaths before she spoke. “Look, I know this baby and my marrying Greg is going to bring huge changes to your life—to our lives. But I hope you can see that they’re going to be good changes, sweetheart. Your happiness means more to me than anything in the world, and I hope you can believe that. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, ever.” A small smile curved at her lips. “I want you to be happy for me and happy for you.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Oh, I’m happy.”

  “You are?” she asked tentatively, as if she feared I would go off on another one of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde bipolar episodes.

  “Sure, I am. Why wouldn’t I be glad that you found a guy who’d actually marry you when you got knocked up this time!”

  The moment the words left my lips I regretted them. Mom appeared momentarily stung. But then in a quick, fluid motion that took both of us off guard, she slapped me.

  Hard.

  Her eyes widened in disbelief. She hadn’t hit me since I was ten years old when Jake and I ran away from home...for ten hours. When I’d finally shown back up, she’d been a weeping, snotty shell of the Mom I’d known. I figured she’d hold out her arms for me to rush into, but instead, she had first smacked my cheek. “How could you scare me like that?” she’d shrieked. Then she’d burst into tears and held me for two hours.

  But I wasn’t waiting around for hugs this time. “Thanks a hell of a lot, Mom,” I mumbled. I spun on my heels, grabbed my keys off the counter, and stormed outside.

  I stalked out to my Jeep. When I climbed inside, I slammed the door. “Fuck!” I cried, banging my fist on the steering wheel. As I cranked up the engine, I squealed out of the driveway intent on going to one place. And then it hit me so hard I slammed on the brakes, causing my neck to whip back.

  There was no place to go.

  Because Jake was dead.

  That one thought caused my stomach to heave, and I scrambled to fling open the door. I puked the entire contents of my stomach and my tumbled emotions onto the pavement. Defeated, I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth and contemplated where the hell to go.

  Since we were kids, we had always used each other as a refuge. When his dad was acting like a bastard, he’d hop on his bike and pedal over to my house, or when I thought Mom was being too strict, I’d escape to his. Then if we truly wanted to tell the world to fuck off, we’d hide out in emerald thicket of trees behind Grammy and Granddaddy’s house.

  And then a feeling came over me so strong that it took my breath away. I put the car in drive and sped along the road. Instead of turning onto Grammy’s street, I by-passed it and kept on going. I didn’t want a lecture at her house, and I didn’t want Alex or any of my other guy friends.

  Instead, I pulled in Maddie’s driveway. Throwing the car into park, I felt a wave of both relief and anger wash over me. I was angry that I couldn’t go to Jake’s, but I was also relieved that there was someone as kind and considerate as Maddie to go and talk to.

  Then my grief fueled anger changed over as thoughts of my previous conversation with my mother and her slap caused me to storm up the walkway, stomp up the front steps, and pound on the front door. Fury caused me to dig into my pocket for some money because I knew I wanted to be prepared for Maddie’s ‘Cuss Can’ antics.

  When Maddie swung open the door, I thrust a five dollar bill in her face. “Look, I’m fucking pissed off right now, so put this in your damn cuss can!”

  Her eyes widened. “No, that’s okay. You keep it.”

  I shoved the money back in my pocket. “You’re not going to believe what my mom just told me!” I rushed past in her in the house. When I whirled around to find her still standing in the doorway, I threw up my hands. “What?”

  A sheepish expression filled Maddie’s face. “It’s just that my parents aren’t home. They’ve taken Josh to the doctor…”

  “Yeah so?”

  She looked down at the foyer floor, toying the rug with her flip-flop. “I’m not allowed to be alone in the house with a boy when my parents aren’t home,” she said softly.

  I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling. Jesus, Maddie had to always play by the rules. I stalked back across the living room and peered at her. Then I snorted exasperatedly. “You know we could just as easily fornicate on the front lawn if we were so inclined.”

  Color flooded her cheeks. Great, now I was being an ass to her as well. “Dammit, that was a jerk thing to say. I’m really sorry, Maddie. I’m just really upset right now.”

  “It’s okay,” she replied. Without any more pressing from her, I headed outside and onto the front porch. After she closed the door, she motioned for me to have a seat in one of the rockers. I flopped down in one with a grunt while she cautiously sat down next to me.

  “So what happened with your mom?” she asked.

  “She’s getting married.”

  Maddie’s dark brows furrowed. “Oh, is her fiancée like mean or something?

  “No, Greg’s a pretty decent guy,” I replied. I refrained from telling her the couch incident—I was afraid she might pass out.

  “Then what is it?”

  I shrugged. “I guess that I’m afraid of the changes that are to come. Like having some dude I barely know in the house or if we have to move…”

  “But mainly you’re afraid of losing your mom’s love, right?”

  Grimacing, I replied, “Yeah, but that’s going to happen regardless of whether she gets married or not.”

  “How could you say that?”

  “She’s pregnant.”

  Maddie’s dark eyes widened with excitement. “Oh Noah, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy for her!” she squealed.

  I shot her a look. “Thanks a lot.”

  Maddie frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  With a sigh, I replied, “Neither do I.”

  “Let me guess. You’re afraid with your mom getting married and having a baby she’s going to completely replace you in an instant and totally forget that for seventeen years of her life she had a wonderful son to love and be proud of?”

  After Maddie said it aloud, I felt like a complete dickwad. It sounded so childish and stupid, but at the same time, it also sounded completely feasible. “Maybe.”

  She smiled and linked her arm through mine. “Your mom could never replace you. Think about it, you’re her first born. A new husband and new baby aren’t going to change that.”

  I stared into her big brown eyes, and I realized I wanted to be as honest with her as I could. “Then everything is worse because Jake’s gone when I need him most.” I kicked at a nail on one of the wood floorboards. “I guess deep down, all I keep thinking of is that everyone leaves me—my real dad, my grandfather, Jake…how can I be sure my mother won’t too?”

  Maddie’s hand came to cup my cheek. “Aw, Noah, how could you ever think that? She’s never going to leave you.” She shook her head. “Besides your jerk of a dad, no one has left you because they wanted too—not your grandfather or Jake. The people who love you and care about you aren’t going anywhere.” She smiled. “Myself included.”

  “Really?”

  Nudging me playfully, she said, “Now I want you to think about something for a minute. Next fall, you’re going off to Tech, right?” When I nodded, she continued on. “You’ll meet all these new people, go to lots of parties that you probably shouldn’t—”

  I chuckled. “Hey now.”

  She grinned. “You have a whole new life ahead of you. But what would your mom have done without you in the house?”

  In all honesty, I hadn’t thought of that. Wow, Noah, what a way
to be a selfish prick.

  When I didn’t answer, Maddie patted my arm. “It’s okay if you didn’t. Just think about it now. I mean, she was going to be all alone, and now she’ll have somebody. Two somebody’s actually.”

  “It’s a girl,” I suddenly blurted for no apparent reason.

  “Really?” Maddie squealed.

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Oh, if she looks anything like your mom, she’ll be so beautiful,” Maddie said.

  “There’s something else.”

  “Besides your mom getting remarried and having a baby?” she asked, smiling slightly.

  “She slapped me.”

  Maddie’s eyes widened. “She did?”

  I nodded.

  “But why?”

  Instead of answering her, I hopped out of my seat and walked down the length of the porch, gazing out at the flower beds.

  “Noah?” Maddie prompted.

  “Well, um, it’s the way I acted when she told me. I-I said some pretty hurtful things.”

  She rose out of her chair and came over to me. “What did you say?”

  I turned back towards her and inwardly groaned. There was no way in hell I wanted to tell Maddie the awful thing I’d said. But when she tenderly took my hand in hers, I crumbled. “I was the biggest asshole in the world. I told her I was glad she’d found some guy who’d finally marry her. You know, after he knocked her up.”

  Maddie gasped and dropped my hand. “Noah, how could you?”

  I threw my hands up. “I don’t know why. I mean, why do we ever say or do the things we do?”

  “You have to apologize right now!”

  I stared at her. Jesus, was she pushy! She never stopped trying to make me be a better person. It made my blood boil as I crossed my arms over my chest in a huff. “Tell me something I don’t know, Einstein.”

  Suddenly, she narrowed her eyes at me, and I wasn’t expecting the response I got. “Don’t get smart with me! I’m just trying to help.” She whirled around and started back inside the house.

  Shit.

  “Maddie, wait!” I called. When she kept walking, I dug deep and said the word most guys loathe. “Please!” She stopped and turned around. I’d already hurt the woman I cared about most in the world today, so I didn’t want to screw up with anyone else, especially not Maddie. Deep down, I didn’t know why I cared so much about what she thought of me. Normally, I wouldn’t have given a shit. But after Jake, she meant something to me—more than I was willing to admit sometimes.

  I sighed and raked my hand through my hair. As she stared expectantly at me for the other two words guys hated to say, I stuffed my hands into my pants pockets. “Um…I’m sorry.”

  The corners of her lips turned up like she was fighting a smile. “Thank you.” After I had groveled to her satisfaction, she came back over to me. “You know, you probably need to take her some flowers when you apologize.”

  “Okay, I can do that.”

  “Want me to help you pick them out?”

  As I gazed at the sweet expression on her face, I wanted to kick my own ass. I didn’t want to go flower shopping with her. I wanted to grab her in my arms and lay a big one on her. Better yet, I wanted to go for a sex romp with her through her parents immaculately kept flower beds. But I knew I couldn’t.

  “Yeah, I’d like that,” I lied.

  She smiled. “Then I will.” Suddenly, she brought her hand to her forehead. “Oh, I almost forgot. It’s Wednesday night.”

  “So?”

  “It’s church night.” She quirked her eyebrows at me. “Do you ever go?”

  I shook my head. The truth was I hadn’t gone to church since my granddaddy died. I guess you could say I was still a little pissed at God.

  “Wanna come with me?” she asked enthusiastically.

  Truthfully, the last thing on earth I wanted to do was go to church. But at the same time, I was up for anything that meant being close to Maddie. I also wanted to check out Pastor Dan’s place a little more to see what it was that had such a hold on Jake.

  “Yeah, but I don’t want you guys doing anything weird to me,” I said.

  “Don’t worry. You don’t get to handle snakes on your first visit,” she said.

  My eyes widened in horror. “Snakes? What the hell!”

  She burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding you, Noah!”

  “Oh, right, sure,” I replied, although I sounded a lot more convinced than I felt.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  There was quite a crowd for a Wednesday night. Maddie led me up the aisle to a bench full of teenage girls—and one or two Bible toting guys. It had never crossed my mind about Maddie having friends. I mean, our sole connection was Jake, and besides him, we ran in very different circles. But once we got in the church, I saw she was the Queen Bee of the Godly Circuit. Her friends all sized me up. Some of them I recognized from school. I couldn’t help noticing that a few gave me disapproving looks like I was the Big Bad Wolf leading Maddie astray.

  “Hi guys, this is Noah,” Maddie introduced.

  “Hi Noah,” they said together before the younger ones dissolved in giggles.

  “Hey,” I replied giving a lame wave. Maddie urged me to take a seat. Thankfully, it was next to one of the guys. When he glanced over at me, he stiffened and readjusted his glasses on his nose. Suddenly, I remembered he was one of the kids Jake used to pick on to get homework out of. I wanted to hold up my hands and say, “I come in peace.”

  Instead, I flashed my most convincing grin and said, “Hey man, how’s it going?”

  “Fine,” he squeaked. He turned his head and began talking to the girl beside him, and I didn’t blame him one bit. Now that I was on his turf, it was my turn to shift nervously in my seat. Thankfully, my slight heart palpitations eased when Maddie sat down beside me. Her delicious perfume filled my nostrils, and I sighed with contentment.

  A wiry looking man with glasses stood up and motioned for Maddie’s mom. She came up from her place on the front row to play the piano.

  “Let’s look to page seventy-two,” the man’s voice boomed. The members of the choir rose from their benches behind the pulpit. Pastor Dan came out in his robe, and once again, I felt like cuing the Seventh Heaven music.

  Maddie handed me a song book out of the holder from the bench in front of us.

  I shook my head. “Uh-I don’t think I-”

  “I think you can,” she replied with a smile.

  Reluctantly, I flipped to page seventy-two. When I saw the title of the song, it was like every molecule in my body shuddered to a stop. It was my Granddaddy’s favorite song. He used to sing it all the time. In church. Out fishing. Mowing the lawn. I closed my eyes as the deep timber of his voice echoed through my mind. He put his heart and soul into every line, giving inflection on the parts that meant something to him. Although he loved Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Perry Como, he never sang them like he did this song.

  Mrs. Parker struck the first few chords, and the congregation raised their voices in song. It felt like my lips were cemented together with Crazy Glue or something. I couldn’t for the life of me sing. Hell, I could barely breathe. I felt like I was in a tripped out flashback. All I could think about was my granddaddy.

  Since I’d never known my real father, Granddaddy was the only father I’d ever had. When he died two years ago, it shattered me. I know he loved all his grandkids, but he made me feel like I was the most special. Maybe he felt sorry for me because I didn’t have a dad, or maybe it was because I was “his Maggie’s” little boy.

  Whatever it was, it was the most fucking special thing I’ve ever experienced on this earth.

  Granddaddy was the one who bought me my first guitar and taught me how to play. I practically pissed my pants with excitement when I moved from sitting next to him, eyes wide with wonderment as his fingers strummed the chords, to balancing on his lap with the guitar in front of me. I never felt happier or safer nestled his strong arms while hi
s calloused fingertips directed my tiny ones along the frets. Damn, the patience that man must have had. Needless to say Grammy didn’t, because after a few days of lessons, she banished us outside to the porch.

  Granddaddy never lost his smile as he listened to me work the chords into a melody. “You’ve got God given talent, son. Don’t you ever forget that,” he’d say before spitting a wad of tobacco into his cup.

  With a shrug, I’d protest, “But I’m not good at sports, Granddaddy.” After all, each and every one of his sons and grandsons were involved in some sport. For years, he practically lived at either the baseball diamond, the football stadium, or the basketball gym.

  Granddaddy’s worn and wrinkled hand would come to stroke his weathered chin thoughtfully. “Being athletic is a good talent to have, son, but one day it is of no use to you. My boys shone as bright stars once upon a time, but now all that has dimmed. It served them well with scholarships, but not a one is still using their talents. But music…” His face would break into a wide grin. “Music is timeless. I’ve played all the days of my life, and I’ll play until my dying day.”

  My conversations with Granddaddy always felt kinda like Forest Gump and his mama. He always had a way of explaining things to me to where I could not only understand, but I could also get the bigger meaning out of. He could make me feel ten feet tall with just a look.

  I’d just started tenth grade when he started acting funny. He’d forget things, or he’d make off the wall statements. Mom and Grammy got worried that he might have the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. So, they finally convinced him to go to the doctor.

  But he didn’t have Alzheimer’s. Instead, a MRI revealed he had a brain tumor. Something called Glioblastoma. A real badass tumor that’s like a spider. It has a fat body that surgery can remove, but it’s the spider-like legs that get imbedded in your brain and fuck up your life.

  Granddaddy’s diagnosis was one of those life-altering moments when you’re sure the earth skidded to a stop on its axis. It would have to, wouldn’t it? How was it possible for the world to keep right on turning when my Granddaddy was going to die?