Bard to the Bone

by Cid Banks

  The mixture of high-society and rough and tumble guests paused in their eating, forks and goblets halfway to their mouths as they stared, waiting for me to speak.

  Conrad forked ham into his mouth. “Is he deaf or dumb?”

  I couldn’t believe I’d screwed up already. A thrill ran down my spine as I struggled to respond. “James.”

  “Your whole name,” he snapped.

  I wet my lips. “James…Bard.”

  “A bard?” Conrad frowned, eyes narrowing. “Unlikely.”

  “Not with those clothes,” the rich man sneered. “Look at him.”

  A chorus of laughter chimed.

  Shit, shit, shit. “My apologies for the intrusion. My name is—”

  “We heard the first time. Daft idiot.” A threatening growl edged in Conrad’s voice. “State your business or I’ll geld you.”

  “Maybe he’s the fool,” added Rich Douchebag. “I’ve never seen such a sorry outfit.”

  “I’m tonight’s entertainment.” I grabbed the lute from my inventory, forcing a grin. “The staff sent me as a gift. I’m here to perform a complimentary, live show.”

  “As opposed to a dead one?” Everyone except the woman beside Conrad roared with glee as he grinned, looking pleased with his joke. “Why the hell did they send you? The Dark Horse knows I prefer buxom women over cooing minstrels.”

  “They—they thought you’d appreciate a change of pace.”

  “You better be marvelous.” A shadow darkened his features. “Put those fingers to work, or I’ll snap them.”

  Well, damn. What should I do?

  Two songs were unlocked: The Song of Mocking and Seduction. Using them was a terrible idea, but I could play a regular song. Problem was, I didn’t know how. I’d never learned how to read sheet music, let alone play an instrument.

  And I couldn’t escape.

  The Amazonian and her thinner partner had climbed the stairs. They blocked my descent.

  “I’m bored.” Conrad snatched a dagger from the ham and waved it at the Amazonian. “If he doesn’t sing, cut out his tongue. That’ll entertain me.”

  “Right.” Disguising my panic, I stalled. “Let me think.”

  I was outnumbered three-to-one, assuming Conrad and Rich Douchebag couldn’t fight. Not that I could’ve exchanged blows.

  Why did I take this quest?

  It would be okay. I had to sing something. Anything.

  I searched the party for a friendly face and settled on the girl next to Conrad, who looked the least hostile. I’d do a power ballad that would ease the tension. Whenever someone at karaoke did Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey, everyone sang along.

  The first lyric burst from my mouth as I stared at the girl, strumming the lute. I almost dropped it in shock as the notes pinged in perfect precision. My voice wasn’t the frightened warble I thought it’d be. It was flawless.

  The girl’s spine zipped straight. Her lips parted into a small grin as my fingers automatically played chords. The song was a little awkward on an acoustic lute. The intensity of the electric guitar wasn’t quite there, but it was close enough. Hell, it was pretty good.

  How was this happening?

  I randomly plucked at a string, and suddenly I was flying across the frets. Every note was spot on. I channeled Steve Perry as I belted the chorus. The melody was precisely how I imagined it.

  People bobbed their heads, even Rich Douchebag. He caught himself jigging his knee, and stopped. But everyone else was into the music. Hell, the guards were smiling.

  This was incredible. I wished there was an amp to kick over.

  With a flourish of my wrist, the final chord rang over the room. Dead silence followed the last ringing note. Every rogue and scoundrel in the place stared at me. A mustachioed man gaped at my lute, as though hardly believing what he’d heard. Conrad was struck dumb by my performance. The girl’s smile broadened into a wide grin. She fingered her hair as a faint blush scorched her cheeks. A pink heart popped over her head.

  Song of Seduction Successful

  Wait what?

  “That was amazing!” She stood, facing me. “You’re a dream—an absolute dream.”

  Rage flashed across Conrad’s features. “What have you done? Emma, come back!”

  Desperate to reach me, Emma lunged across the table. Glasses shattered as she crawled, hand outstretched. Ignoring the outraged guests, she dropped down and seized my collar.

  Her eyes blazed with passion. “I love you.”

  Then she kissed me. Her hard mouth crushed against mine.

  Holy crap.

  My brain froze as Emma wrapped her arms around me, squeezing. I stood as still as a statue as she tongued my protesting lips.

  “Unhand my daughter!” Conrad slammed his fist through the ham. “Come here, you bastard!”

  Our mouths separated with a plunger-like sound. “It was an accident!”

  “No,” she screamed. “Don’t you dare hurt him!” Emma yanked my shirt, scattering buttons. I hopped away as Conrad smashed a bottle inches from my head.

  The Dark Horse exploded into chaos. Our outburst triggered a cascade of turmoil. Patrons crashed steins on each other’s heads, using the distraction to settle outstanding grudges. Punches, broken teeth, and damage numbers were flying everywhere. A man fell from the upper balcony and destroyed a table with a 6, beer spilling across the floor to create a slipping hazard.

  Conrad’s bodyguard grabbed me, but the daughter’s lust matched his massive strength. They began a tug of war, Emma hanging onto my leg. Her vice-like grip on my pants pulled me from her father’s attack range.

  “Let me go!” I kicked her off, lunging toward the exit.

  “You will die a very painful death!” Red-faced, Conrad pointed at me. “Seize him!”

  The Amazonian swung her club as I approached the stairway. There was zero chance of winning a battle against her, so it was time to revisit my favorite strategy—getting the fuck out of there.

  I jumped to the first floor. A flimsy barstool caught my fall. I burst through it, earning 5 damage. Cards fluttered through the air like bizarre confetti. A brawler dragged me by the lapels, tossing me into his opponent.

  “James!” Emma leaned over the railing, heart hovering above her stricken face. “Come back!”

  A guard hoisted her in a fireman’s lift as a furious Conrad hurled dinner plates.

  A glass exploded near my head. “I don’t want any trouble!”

  It never worked for Jackie Chan. I don’t know why I’d expected it to work for me.

  “Stop it!” Emma flailed within the guard’s grasp. “You don’t understand our love!”

  My 7 Charisma would not get me out of this fight.

  “I’ll rip off your cock!” Conrad launched the dining table in search for more projectiles. He grabbed knives and threw them at me.

  Run, you dumb fuck.

  Scrambling for the exit, I vaulted over a fallen chair and zigzagged through the throng.

  “Find him!” Conrad thundered. “Don’t let him escape!”

  The unsmiling bouncer blocked the doorway, unfazed by the chaos. He opened the door, and I ran into the crisp night.

  Quest Completed: The Competition

  You have successfully stolen the heart of Conrad’s daughter!

  Reward: 40 experience

  Improved relationship with Guild of Thieves, Passage to the Ancient Isle.

  Level Up!

  Eight

  Dread pitted my stomach as shouts echoed from the inn. After fleeing the Dark Horse, I crawled into a nook between the potion shop and the mortician. It was cramped, but an ideal spot for waiting out the chaos. People still brawled in the streets. Earlier, Conrad’s men had jogged through, screaming my name. The uproar was far from over.

  I’d completed Galuf’s quest but had no idea where he was. It didn’t matter. Conrad’s daughter’s heart might’ve not been enough to earn membership into the Thieves Guild.

  This whole
endeavor had been a giant waste of time.

  I’d retrieved the heirloom but narrowly avoided death. I hadn’t learned from one mistake, and I’d made another just because an NPC made me vague promises. Stealing from Conrad was stupid. I was bound to fail because I picked bard.

  This wasn’t working out.

  A mouse ran through the alley. Its paws touched my boot as it sniffed my pants. Its beady eyes blinked. It squeaked, a sharp, exaggerated sound.

  “I won’t hurt you.” I decided against petting it. “My track record sucks. Let’s face it. You could probably beat me in a fight.”

  The mouse skittered into the shadows. As I watched it leave, pain shot up my back. I ached from my small hiding place. When I escaped this world, I wouldn’t come back unless pain realism could be turned off. My health read 15/18. It had been slowly ticking up over the last hour since I’d been hiding. Out of sheer habit, I clicked Logout.

  Still nothing.

  Two days had passed. How long before an emergency routine kicked in? When would my real body give out?

  Traveling to the Ancient Isle was going to be hard. There was no way of knowing when I’d be on a ship to my location, and no guarantee there’d be help when I got there. Picking the hardest class had royally fucked me over. I was tired of having the shit kicked out of me for no reason.

  How the hell had I played the Song of Seduction?

  Understanding the game was crucial to my survival. If I wanted to get home, I needed to figure it out.

  My indicator glowed with a notification. I opened the prompt to explore my options.

  Level Up! You have reached Level 3!

  HP+2 Reflex +1

  Add one point to the attribute of your choosing!

  (May not boost the same attribute as the previous level)

  New basic song available!

  New spell available!

  My mood brightened. A new spell would do wonders.

  I needed to reevaluate my strategy. Playing as rogue had gone poorly. Maybe I was better off as a magic user?

  My level up allocated me more health and boosted my scores. I had one point available to place in an attribute. Last time I’d chosen Reflex. I decided to select Willpower for my bonus point. Magic could help me survive long enough to leave.

  Willpower

  A character’s Willpower is a measure of their proficiency with and resistance to magical forces and many status effects. When using magic, higher scores in Willpower increase the power and duration of spells, as well as the probability of successfully applying secondary magical effects. High Willpower provides increased defense against magic attacks and effects. A character with low Willpower will be unable to use magic and will be far more vulnerable to such effects.

  Each point in Willpower increases base MP by 1 and increases MP regeneration.

  The game displayed my new character stats.

  James

  Level 3 Bard

  HP: 15/20 MP: 10/10

  Experience: 208 Level Goal: 380

  Strength: 2 Reflex: 6 Willpower: 5 Charisma: 7

  Traits: none *

  Abilities: Song of Mocking, Song of Seduction (new song available)

  Spells: none (new spell available)

  Gold: 60

  Awesome. I had a pool of MP now to use for spells. The Traits section glowed with a small icon.

  Your most likely future traits are:

  Cowardly

  Personality Trait

  Reduced relationship with most characters.

  +25% chance to escape battles. -1 Moral to armies.

  Lustful

  Personality Trait

  Increased romantic relationship with attracted characters.

  -50% Seduction defense. Bonus experience for successful Seduction.

  Come on! Why did it think I was a lustful coward?

  Naomi had warned me. Player characters gained traits as responses to their behavior. So far I’d hit on every girl I met and avoided death by running away three times. No wonder the game wanted to brand me with these negative traits.

  I waited until light broke over the horizon, and then I crept out from my hideout. My knees and back ached from sitting in the same position for hours. I strolled through the slowly awakening town square. Businesses were opening their doors. Food vendors fought over the best spots. A line of women queued up to use the well.

  I walked to the quest board. Now that I was level three, more quests were legible. I scanned the pieces of paper. One wanted you to retrieve a prize hog. Another needed an escort into dangerous territory. My heart jumped as I glanced over a familiar face.

  Mine.

  Apprehend This Dangerous Bard!

  This man is wanted for assaulting my daughter. He is a sexual deviant who must be stopped. No one in Marshtown is safe until this monster is captured.

  “What the hell?” I breathed, glaring at it. “She kissed me!”

  A composite photo of my face was etched over the page. The bounty promised 100 gold to anyone who delivered me to Conrad. I made sure no one was watching, and then I ripped it from the board.

  Bounty Hunt Quest Available: The Foolish Bard

  Apprehend the reprehensible rogue that tried to force himself on Conrad’s innocent daughter.

  Reward: 100 gold, Improved Relationship with Conrad

  Well, that’s it. If I stuck around, I was dead meat. Thank God my lute was tucked in my inventory.

  I needed to leave before they replaced the poster. Redeeming my quest reward was out of the question. Galuf would betray me in an instant for the gold. I couldn’t trust anything from his lying mouth, but what about Goldbridge? He’d mentioned the city had a bustling port.

  Was it true?

  There was no time to debate the fact. The bounty made me a target, and I was standing in the open. Better to leave than risk capture by staying.

  Goldbridge it was. Before I left, I should pick a new song and magical spell. A glance at the list told me it wouldn’t be a quick decision.

  Trying not to walk too fast, I wandered the square in search of somewhere to lay low. The scent of baking bread lured me inside a bakery. Women kneaded dough in the back as a boy manned the till. I still wasn’t sure what the purpose of eating in this game was, but I couldn’t ignore the void in my stomach. The boy served me toasted bread with a knob of butter for one gold coin. I spread a generous helping of butter and ate. It melted over my tongue. Delicious. I tore another chunk and opened my leveling options. In addition to listing the basic Song of Sorrow and Song of Rest again, I considered the new intermediate song options.

  Learn any basic or intermediate song:

  Song of Sorrow - This mournful melody strikes listeners with a deep and profound sadness!

  Inflicts Despair on characters.

  Song of Rest - This soothing serenade brings peace and rest to those who hear it!

  Restore character’s HP over time, removes Rage, Silent, and Confuse.

  Chance to inflict Sleep +100%

  Song of Unmaking - This cryptic verse causes enchantments to unweave and fade away.

  Cancel spells and magic effects in audible range.

  Increases the casting MP of spells by +100% for characters.

  Song of Retching - This sickening sonata tears at the bowels of those who listen.

  Reduces the Charisma of characters.

  Chance to inflict Sick +100%

  Song of Splendor - This hallowed hymn drives away the powers of darkness.

  Damages Unholy and Undead characters.

  Chance to inflict Bless +100%

  Song of Spirit - This empowering anthem fills those who hear it with energy and inspiration.

  Increases Reflex and Willpower of characters.

  Temporarily cancels the Cowardly, Shy, Lazy, and Calm traits.

  Lots more options this time. In this game, songs were powerful, but they had unintended consequences. I had to choose wisely.

  Song of Sorrow? Was that like making so
meone cry? That seemed like a major bummer. Song of Unmaking could really mess with enemy mages, but I hadn’t bumped into anyone who used magical attacks. Song of Retching? More like the Brown Sound.

  I had two powers that screwed with enemies, and both got me in quite a lot of trouble. Maybe a song with positive effects would be a better choice, so I chose Song of Spirit.

  Now for my first spell. Finally.

  Restoration (Light) Level 1

  Channel divine power to close and heal wounds.

  Radiance (Light) Level 1

  Create a blinding light that illuminates darkness.

  Scrying (Order) Level 1

  Magically identify and locate objects or beings.

  Calm (Order) Level 1

  Dampen chaotic energies and the minds of beings.

  Mind (Illusion) Level 1

  Alter a being’s mind to change their opinions.

  Teleport (Illusion) Level 1

  Magically teleport a short distance

  Invisibility (Illusion) Level 1

  Bend light around the caster to hide from sight.

  Duplicate (Illusion) Level 1

  Create an illusionary duplicate of the caster.

  Curse (Dark) Level 1

  Weakens and vexes an enemy.

  Shadow (Dark) Level 1

  Create a shadow of thick dark fog.

  Frenzy (Destruction) Level 1

  Send a being’s mind into passion and rage.

  Amplify (Destruction) Level 1

  Multiply chaotic energies like sound and heat.

  Mending (Natural) Level 1

  Accelerate a being’s natural healing.

  Commune (Natural) Level 1

  Understand and communicate with animals.

  There were so many choices. An invisibility spell would be fascinating. So would messing with people’s minds. Healing, teleporting, and blinding enemies were the practical game choices. Could I have talked to that mouse I saw? Chatting with animals would be cool, but I couldn’t see what it’d accomplish.